(no subject)
I like to post things in livejournal that I think might matter one day, to someone, somewhere. Or even just myself. Or maybe just things that seem more worthy than a facebook status update, or the like. So, I will copy and paste my 25 random things from Facebook here, just so I can recall them, if need be.
1. I have the worst memory of any relatively young person you will ever meet. Most of this note will be a testimony to this unfortunate condition. Seriously, it has to be premature Alzheimer's.
2. I was born in Reno, Nevada. I'm not sure which hospital or at what time. I'm also starting to forget the day and year. When people ask me how old I am, I tell them "somewhere between 18 and 20". I'm not ashamed of my age, I just don't remember how old I am.
3. When I was three, maybe four, a childhood friend pushed me off the top bunk of her bed. I fell to the floor and broke my right arm. My parents obviously took me to the hospital. My dad held me as I went to get an x-ray. Though, being young and terrified, I thought the x-ray machine was going to slice my arm off. I screamed and screamed. ((My arm is still intact.)) This is probably my earliest memory.
4. My family and I moved to West Point, Kentucky when I was four-ish. At the time, I loved living there and I still look back on that poor, trashy town with the utmost fondness. I attended school there for preschool, kindergarten, first grade, half of third grade and fourth grade.
5. I knew from the first time I met my kindergarten teacher, Ms. Leslie, that I wanted to be a teacher "when I grow up". This aspiration has not once faltered. Currently, I now aspire to, at some point in my life, teach foreign languages to little kids.
6. My first "crush" was Joshua Rogers. He was the son of my fourth grade teacher. We would compete in everything. He beat me in a spelling bee once because I forgot the "e" on the end of the word "minute". So much for "sounding it out".
7. My parents divorced when I was in third grade. It took me 8 years to get over this. I finally came to terms with it when I was a sophomore in high school. Talk about holding a grudge. : )
8. When my family lived on Pulaski Ct, I spent the majority of my time outdoors. We had two pine trees in the back yard that I would climb, sit in and read books. The kids down the street had a HUGE tree in which we made a club-house. We had chairs and tables and all sorts of treasures in this tree. Also, while living in that house, I stepped on a queen bee with my barefoot. I found 23 four-leaf clovers in an hour (a personal record). And secretly made friends with the black-widow spider that made a web in our rose bush. ((Don't tell my parents I was friends with a poisonous spider. Heh.))
9. I've had countless pets in my life. A lizard named Spike, a hamster named Rose, a Dalmatian named Wendy, a cat named Sunflower and her three kittens--Toulouse, Corndog and ..something. I've had an iguana, four goats--Nanny, Buster, Elvis and Elton, many fish, two chinchillas, a mouse named Stuart, Dogs--Noel, Sage, Pepper, Blue, Copper, and Amber. More cats--Peanut, Lucky, and Jack. I had a pet squirrel for a day. Two ducks--Donald and Daisy. I found a nest of baby rabbits. We've had birds--Pewee and Petunia. And probably many more that I can't recall. Most of these pets have died. Our newest addition is a purebred German Shepherd puppy named Tesla.
10. Languages are a gift of mine. Through school, I've studied German, Japanese, Spanish, French and Arabic. In my spare time, I've learnt to say "I don't know" in 10 languages--English, French, Spanish, Arabic, German, Italian, Swedish, Polish, Portuguese, and Russian. I can never remember how to say it in Japanese, even though I've been told countless times.
11. Apparently, I do a lot of things that I never remember--I have major conversations (usually on the phone) that I can't recall. And I can't recall the first time I met Patrick, the guy I dated for 2.5 years. I frequently walk into a room with a purpose and immediately forget it. A lot of times I'll be somewhere, and have NO RECOLLECTION of driving/walking there at all (this happens a lot, and it is sometimes terrifying).
12. Sophomore year of high school, on the last day of classes, we did this thing where half the day was spent visiting our fall semester classes for the next year. So, in the 45 minutes or so of my Spanish II class, I cussed out my professor. I don't remember doing it, but a couple weeks later, some kids came into Oldham 8 and said "HEY! You're the girl that cussed out Ms Ash! That was so cool!" I made them tell me this story, and I laughed a lot. You'd think I'd remember such a vulgar encounter with my Spanish professor.
13. Junior year of high school, Tara and I were taking AP Government together. I don't remember this particular story at all, but I've heard the tales, so I'll attempt to retell it. Evidently, our class was making fun of Bush (shocking) and how he pronounces the word "terror". It sounds a lot like "Tara". So, our teacher said something about "the war on terror" (pronounced as 'tara'), and I turned to my best friend and shouted "TARA, YOU BITCH!" Every time that teacher sees me, he laughs and tells me it's one of his greatest classroom moments.
14. When I was in 3rd grade, I had just moved back to West Point after my parents' divorce. I was back at West Point Independent school and had been there for several weeks. One day, while sitting on the floor reading, everyone started asking me if I was married because my husband had just shown up in class. I soon found out that this kid named Jason Zabel had joined us in class. I hated this guy for stealing my last name.
15. My best friend at West Point was a guy named Danny Warren. He was autistic. We always sat next to each other in class or stood next to each other in line. I adopted my rocking habit from him. But his parents would never let us hang out outside of school.
16. Also in the 3rd grade, a girl named Tara Dyke told me she was going to fight me on the playground. I didn't take her seriously. I should have. She was true to her word--and being a large girl that she was, she sat on my and shoved my face into the sand. I thought I was going to die.
17. I can't whistle. I used to be able to do so, but I've forgotten. And, contrary to popular belief, it IS possible to forget how to ride a bike. I've recently found out that I have forgotten how to ride a bike. ((Again, premature alzheimer's?))
18. Along with premature memory loss, I have premature tooth loss, I suppose. I'm missing 11 teeth, and therefore have dentures. I thoroughly believe my body and mind are ageing at different speeds.
19. I think it's a very attractive trait for men to have grey hair. This is something I'm pretty ashamed of thinking, but it's true. I can't wait to be old, that way it's okay to like grey hair. : )
20. I have the rest of my "perfect life" planned out. In my perfect world, I'll graduate in 2011 with two majors (French and Arabic) and two minors (African Studies and Linguistics). I'll stay in Columbus for a few years, working full time with DPS/OSUPD to save up money. After that, I'll study at MIIS working on my masters in TFL. I'll join the Peace Corps and work in Africa for two years, come back and finish my masters. I'll work for the government after building up an impressive résumé, get married, have five kids (two boys followed by two girls followed by a boy, and yes, I already have the names chosen. haha) and I'll never retire. When it comes time for me to retire, I'll just start teaching French and Arabic to small children.
21. In case you couldn't tell, I have a very active imagination. Sometimes, when I can't remember how I got somewhere, or what had just happened five or ten minutes before, I'll make up stories and convince myself and everyone else that my made up story is the truth. This is also very frightening. ((In case you couldn't tell, not remembering is very terrifying. Writing these things down, as in such an exercise as this, is relatively comforting. But writing things down doesn't guarantee I'll recall.))
22. I didn't lose my first tooth until I was in 2nd grade (when most people should have almost all of their adult teeth). I was super excited about finally getting a visit from the tooth fairy. I woke up the next morning and found my tooth still under my pillow. I picked it up, walked into the kitchen where mother was loading the dishwasher, and made a comment about the lack of money. My mother just muttered "Shit!" under her breath. At the time, I thought it was because she spilt some dishwashing detergent. I think I've made the connection now, though.
23. I have an inexplicable obsession with hockey. My father would watch the games with some frequency, and I'd occasionally watch a couple minutes, but it never really caught my attention until I was in 7th grade. That was also the year the Red Wings won the Stanley Cup. I've been addicted ever since. My sisters and I also made my dad make us milkshakes in the middle of a game once. He was none too pleased with our inopportune timing.
24. I don't eat blue M&Ms. I haven't eaten one since 7th grade. I also don't like chocolate in general, but I'm taking a chocolate tasting class this quarter at school.
25. I'm a closet Michigan fan attending Ohio State. Sometimes I fear for my life, but I proudly display my support with my "I <3 Michigan" pin on my backpack. THANK YOU ERIN ELAINE FOR MY PIN!
I didn't think I had 25 random facts about me. I don't know exactly how much of that is random, or how much was unknown to people, but they're at least all true.
Since then, I've kind of thought about some other random things.
26. I don't believe in luck. Or the concept of "love at first sight." These are possibly the two worst abstract ideas I've ever heard of. I have never had any kind of "good luck charms". I don't believe any particular item or incident will make your life any more or less fortunate than it already is. "Love" at first sight is nothing more than an intense lust at first sight. Believe me, I know all too well.
27. I still want to be a dentist. But that could never happen.
28. One thing that makes me most uncomfortable is being doted upon. For this very reason, I dread my birthday, Valentine's Day and Christmas. Receiving gifts and compliments makes me feel selfish and undeserving. I believe, more than anything, these fuel my submission.
29. The worst feeling in the world is disappointment. Often times, I set standards for other people incredibly low, so they absolutely cannot disappoint me, no matter what they do. More often than not, then, they end up surprising me and exceeding my expectations. This makes me very happy. Contrarily, I set my own standards for myself incredibly high--otherwise, I fear disappointing my friends and family. It's a lose-lose situation, because even when I do succeed at something, that only calls for the bar to be set even higher.
30. The one thing I fear the most is not being able to have children. I dream so often, day and night, of when I will have kids. Everyone tells me I would make an excellent mother, and I can't wait for those days. I have possible names and hobbies for whatever kids I might have. Nothing would make my life more complete than to be a mother. However, the nightmares I have most often are about miscarriages, abortions, barrenness, etc. Sometimes, I'll wake up sobbing after dreams like these. I can't count the nights I've lost sleep due to this fear.
31. I am a workaholic. Currently, I am taking 20 credit hours worth of classes each quarter. I also work at least 28 hours a week at my job, sometimes more when I pick up extra shifts (this week, I will have worked 44 hours... which will put me in a lot of trouble with the department... They are none too pleased with overtime...) Even this feels like it's not enough. I feel compelled to work more often and take more classes. The less free time I have, the better I feel about myself. Along the same lines, if I could stop going to school and work full time, I would be very happy. Contrarily, I also really want nothing more than to be a stay-at-home mother. I am all about domesticity.
32. I have a love/hate relationship with writing. It's hard to explain. I enjoy it, and at the same time, I detest it. The only time I ever write anything well-written is at the very last minute under serious amounts of stress. Often times, however, there is little-to-no research to back up my thesis. However, I always get good grades on these papers. Unfortunately, they're never anything worth sharing. I wish I had the ability to write creatively, like I once did. Poetry and short stories are my favourites.
33. A lot of my philosophy about life has changed, recently. What brought about these changes, I'm not sure. They're kind of personal, but since this is my personal (and yet oh-so public) journal, I'll briefly discuss them here.
a. Drinking is not evil. I went to a party for the first time and lost track of the number of drinks I tried. It was fun relaxing and dancing and having a good time. Also, dancing is not evil. : ]
b. I don't understand why people put a price on virginity. When I started dating Jon, my one stipulation to our relationship was that I would not have sex with him. This made me ponder why my morals were as such. I can't say I was really raised to believe in "no sex before marriage" especially since Mother encouraged otherwise. My father has never really impressed such ideas into my head, and I didn't really have an overly religious upbringing. That being said, when I heard that a girl sold her virginity on eBay for 3.5 million dollars, I started pondering this moral dilemma even more. I've decided I don't care. I put no price on this idea of virginity.
c. The thing I find most difficult to grasp that I've discovered in the last couple weeks is that I am attractive. This makes me want to cry; I cannot explain that reaction whatsoever. After the hockey game a couple weeks ago, a guy asked me for my number. An attractive guy. Attractive guys do NOT take interest in women that look like me. Attractive guys ask attractive girls for their numbers. Guys don't express interest in me based on looks alone; they usually fall for my wit, my sarcasm, my intelligence, my overall personality... Not my face, not my body. My sisters are the ones in the family blessed with beauty--not me. However, I have recently learned that, apart from the hockey guy, two other guys have ...complimented me in a similar fashion. Evidently, when Jon met me the first night I worked, his first thoughts were "I love my job." Likewise, Pawel said he "couldn't wait to get the chance to talk to me." I'm still shocked. Guys simply don't like me for my looks. I have a hard time believing someone would be interested in me knowing little to nothing about my personality.
These three things have really turned my world upside down this past month. That may seem weird, but I have an entirely different perspective on life. A large part of me enjoys this. I thank my roommates.
34. Midgets scare me, and obese people piss me off. I know midgets can't help it, but they truly terrify me. People who are obese just make me angry--I can't rightly explain it, but they should lose weight.
35. Since I have converted to Catholicism, I find peace and serenity in the most minute things. No matter how terrible things get, either in my life or someone else's, I always have this profound feeling that everything will be all right. Perhaps it sounds cheesy, and it likely does not have anything to do with the actual religion itself, but I know that God will take care of me, of you, of us, no matter what. I wish I could help other people feel this sense of peace, but I'm too terrified to discuss faith with them. [Please don't judge me.]
36. I could never be with someone that I couldn't sit alone with for hours, doing absolutely nothing, and still be perfectly content. Sophomore year of high school, spent mainly with Andrew in this exact fashion, is the perfect example of how I want my relationship to be. To constantly be on the go, moving, doing, thinking, feeling... can be invigorating, yes, but also quite exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my fair share of deep, intellectual conversation or stimulating activity, but I also enjoy the simplicity of silence and the comfort of cuddling.
37. When I talk to people, or tell stories, particularly of my childhood or friends or things that really matter to me, I usually believe that my audience does not care, so I stop talking. [Also the product of my submission, I believe.]
38. All of my best thoughts, ideas, quotes, philosophies, mantras, etc come to me while I shower. Any time something is bothering me, I usually find my resolution while pondering the situation throughout a nice shower. Most of these thoughts listed here have been the product of those ponderings.
39. When I first started looking at colleges, I was absolutely set on not wanting a large school--absolutely nothing more than 1,000 students or so. Now that I am at Ohio State, I do not think I could have gone anywhere else. Even with 60,000 students, Ohio State seems so small. On any given day, I cannot walk across campus or eat a meal without seeing at least half a dozen people that I know. I enjoy the fact that I have made such a large community feel so small and close-knit. Contrarily, I feel like I could live on a farm for the rest of my life and love every minute of it.
40. Irony rules my life; sometimes, it's uncanny. Ask me sometime; I'd be more than happy to share my eerily ironic stories with you.
41. My beliefs switch between feminism and anti-feminism, if that makes any sense. As I've said, I could never live a life without work--I've always known I've wanted to work for the longest time; I love it. However, it is often my belief that women, myself included, should stay out of the workplace. I'm torn between these two polar opposites. To work, or not to work? Regardless of a woman's occupation, I, for the most part, hate women.
42. In case you hadn't noticed, my existence is riddled with incongruities--large school, small farm; workaholic, domesticity; submissive, yet strong-willed; low standards for other, yet high standards for myself... This creates a lot of gaps in my character. Mostly, I am very confused as to what I believe in and what I stand for--it changes so often, that I tend to avoid discussing my beliefs on anything of importance.
43. A combination of my rough childhood and fascination with Africa help keep my life in perspective [and subsequently, I help keep others in perspective]. Growing up in almost a homeless fashion has allowed me to keep in mind that things could always be worse. Yet, even though my family struggled all those years ago, I know our suffering was nothing compared to what many in Africa, South America, the Middle East, South East Asia, and even parts of the US are still fighting through. For this reason, I want to dedicate my life to aiding those who struggle just as my family and I did. Nothing is more satisfying than the idea of helping these people--so their poverty can become faint images of times long passed.
1. I have the worst memory of any relatively young person you will ever meet. Most of this note will be a testimony to this unfortunate condition. Seriously, it has to be premature Alzheimer's.
2. I was born in Reno, Nevada. I'm not sure which hospital or at what time. I'm also starting to forget the day and year. When people ask me how old I am, I tell them "somewhere between 18 and 20". I'm not ashamed of my age, I just don't remember how old I am.
3. When I was three, maybe four, a childhood friend pushed me off the top bunk of her bed. I fell to the floor and broke my right arm. My parents obviously took me to the hospital. My dad held me as I went to get an x-ray. Though, being young and terrified, I thought the x-ray machine was going to slice my arm off. I screamed and screamed. ((My arm is still intact.)) This is probably my earliest memory.
4. My family and I moved to West Point, Kentucky when I was four-ish. At the time, I loved living there and I still look back on that poor, trashy town with the utmost fondness. I attended school there for preschool, kindergarten, first grade, half of third grade and fourth grade.
5. I knew from the first time I met my kindergarten teacher, Ms. Leslie, that I wanted to be a teacher "when I grow up". This aspiration has not once faltered. Currently, I now aspire to, at some point in my life, teach foreign languages to little kids.
6. My first "crush" was Joshua Rogers. He was the son of my fourth grade teacher. We would compete in everything. He beat me in a spelling bee once because I forgot the "e" on the end of the word "minute". So much for "sounding it out".
7. My parents divorced when I was in third grade. It took me 8 years to get over this. I finally came to terms with it when I was a sophomore in high school. Talk about holding a grudge. : )
8. When my family lived on Pulaski Ct, I spent the majority of my time outdoors. We had two pine trees in the back yard that I would climb, sit in and read books. The kids down the street had a HUGE tree in which we made a club-house. We had chairs and tables and all sorts of treasures in this tree. Also, while living in that house, I stepped on a queen bee with my barefoot. I found 23 four-leaf clovers in an hour (a personal record). And secretly made friends with the black-widow spider that made a web in our rose bush. ((Don't tell my parents I was friends with a poisonous spider. Heh.))
9. I've had countless pets in my life. A lizard named Spike, a hamster named Rose, a Dalmatian named Wendy, a cat named Sunflower and her three kittens--Toulouse, Corndog and ..something. I've had an iguana, four goats--Nanny, Buster, Elvis and Elton, many fish, two chinchillas, a mouse named Stuart, Dogs--Noel, Sage, Pepper, Blue, Copper, and Amber. More cats--Peanut, Lucky, and Jack. I had a pet squirrel for a day. Two ducks--Donald and Daisy. I found a nest of baby rabbits. We've had birds--Pewee and Petunia. And probably many more that I can't recall. Most of these pets have died. Our newest addition is a purebred German Shepherd puppy named Tesla.
10. Languages are a gift of mine. Through school, I've studied German, Japanese, Spanish, French and Arabic. In my spare time, I've learnt to say "I don't know" in 10 languages--English, French, Spanish, Arabic, German, Italian, Swedish, Polish, Portuguese, and Russian. I can never remember how to say it in Japanese, even though I've been told countless times.
11. Apparently, I do a lot of things that I never remember--I have major conversations (usually on the phone) that I can't recall. And I can't recall the first time I met Patrick, the guy I dated for 2.5 years. I frequently walk into a room with a purpose and immediately forget it. A lot of times I'll be somewhere, and have NO RECOLLECTION of driving/walking there at all (this happens a lot, and it is sometimes terrifying).
12. Sophomore year of high school, on the last day of classes, we did this thing where half the day was spent visiting our fall semester classes for the next year. So, in the 45 minutes or so of my Spanish II class, I cussed out my professor. I don't remember doing it, but a couple weeks later, some kids came into Oldham 8 and said "HEY! You're the girl that cussed out Ms Ash! That was so cool!" I made them tell me this story, and I laughed a lot. You'd think I'd remember such a vulgar encounter with my Spanish professor.
13. Junior year of high school, Tara and I were taking AP Government together. I don't remember this particular story at all, but I've heard the tales, so I'll attempt to retell it. Evidently, our class was making fun of Bush (shocking) and how he pronounces the word "terror". It sounds a lot like "Tara". So, our teacher said something about "the war on terror" (pronounced as 'tara'), and I turned to my best friend and shouted "TARA, YOU BITCH!" Every time that teacher sees me, he laughs and tells me it's one of his greatest classroom moments.
14. When I was in 3rd grade, I had just moved back to West Point after my parents' divorce. I was back at West Point Independent school and had been there for several weeks. One day, while sitting on the floor reading, everyone started asking me if I was married because my husband had just shown up in class. I soon found out that this kid named Jason Zabel had joined us in class. I hated this guy for stealing my last name.
15. My best friend at West Point was a guy named Danny Warren. He was autistic. We always sat next to each other in class or stood next to each other in line. I adopted my rocking habit from him. But his parents would never let us hang out outside of school.
16. Also in the 3rd grade, a girl named Tara Dyke told me she was going to fight me on the playground. I didn't take her seriously. I should have. She was true to her word--and being a large girl that she was, she sat on my and shoved my face into the sand. I thought I was going to die.
17. I can't whistle. I used to be able to do so, but I've forgotten. And, contrary to popular belief, it IS possible to forget how to ride a bike. I've recently found out that I have forgotten how to ride a bike. ((Again, premature alzheimer's?))
18. Along with premature memory loss, I have premature tooth loss, I suppose. I'm missing 11 teeth, and therefore have dentures. I thoroughly believe my body and mind are ageing at different speeds.
19. I think it's a very attractive trait for men to have grey hair. This is something I'm pretty ashamed of thinking, but it's true. I can't wait to be old, that way it's okay to like grey hair. : )
20. I have the rest of my "perfect life" planned out. In my perfect world, I'll graduate in 2011 with two majors (French and Arabic) and two minors (African Studies and Linguistics). I'll stay in Columbus for a few years, working full time with DPS/OSUPD to save up money. After that, I'll study at MIIS working on my masters in TFL. I'll join the Peace Corps and work in Africa for two years, come back and finish my masters. I'll work for the government after building up an impressive résumé, get married, have five kids (two boys followed by two girls followed by a boy, and yes, I already have the names chosen. haha) and I'll never retire. When it comes time for me to retire, I'll just start teaching French and Arabic to small children.
21. In case you couldn't tell, I have a very active imagination. Sometimes, when I can't remember how I got somewhere, or what had just happened five or ten minutes before, I'll make up stories and convince myself and everyone else that my made up story is the truth. This is also very frightening. ((In case you couldn't tell, not remembering is very terrifying. Writing these things down, as in such an exercise as this, is relatively comforting. But writing things down doesn't guarantee I'll recall.))
22. I didn't lose my first tooth until I was in 2nd grade (when most people should have almost all of their adult teeth). I was super excited about finally getting a visit from the tooth fairy. I woke up the next morning and found my tooth still under my pillow. I picked it up, walked into the kitchen where mother was loading the dishwasher, and made a comment about the lack of money. My mother just muttered "Shit!" under her breath. At the time, I thought it was because she spilt some dishwashing detergent. I think I've made the connection now, though.
23. I have an inexplicable obsession with hockey. My father would watch the games with some frequency, and I'd occasionally watch a couple minutes, but it never really caught my attention until I was in 7th grade. That was also the year the Red Wings won the Stanley Cup. I've been addicted ever since. My sisters and I also made my dad make us milkshakes in the middle of a game once. He was none too pleased with our inopportune timing.
24. I don't eat blue M&Ms. I haven't eaten one since 7th grade. I also don't like chocolate in general, but I'm taking a chocolate tasting class this quarter at school.
25. I'm a closet Michigan fan attending Ohio State. Sometimes I fear for my life, but I proudly display my support with my "I <3 Michigan" pin on my backpack. THANK YOU ERIN ELAINE FOR MY PIN!
I didn't think I had 25 random facts about me. I don't know exactly how much of that is random, or how much was unknown to people, but they're at least all true.
Since then, I've kind of thought about some other random things.
26. I don't believe in luck. Or the concept of "love at first sight." These are possibly the two worst abstract ideas I've ever heard of. I have never had any kind of "good luck charms". I don't believe any particular item or incident will make your life any more or less fortunate than it already is. "Love" at first sight is nothing more than an intense lust at first sight. Believe me, I know all too well.
27. I still want to be a dentist. But that could never happen.
28. One thing that makes me most uncomfortable is being doted upon. For this very reason, I dread my birthday, Valentine's Day and Christmas. Receiving gifts and compliments makes me feel selfish and undeserving. I believe, more than anything, these fuel my submission.
29. The worst feeling in the world is disappointment. Often times, I set standards for other people incredibly low, so they absolutely cannot disappoint me, no matter what they do. More often than not, then, they end up surprising me and exceeding my expectations. This makes me very happy. Contrarily, I set my own standards for myself incredibly high--otherwise, I fear disappointing my friends and family. It's a lose-lose situation, because even when I do succeed at something, that only calls for the bar to be set even higher.
30. The one thing I fear the most is not being able to have children. I dream so often, day and night, of when I will have kids. Everyone tells me I would make an excellent mother, and I can't wait for those days. I have possible names and hobbies for whatever kids I might have. Nothing would make my life more complete than to be a mother. However, the nightmares I have most often are about miscarriages, abortions, barrenness, etc. Sometimes, I'll wake up sobbing after dreams like these. I can't count the nights I've lost sleep due to this fear.
31. I am a workaholic. Currently, I am taking 20 credit hours worth of classes each quarter. I also work at least 28 hours a week at my job, sometimes more when I pick up extra shifts (this week, I will have worked 44 hours... which will put me in a lot of trouble with the department... They are none too pleased with overtime...) Even this feels like it's not enough. I feel compelled to work more often and take more classes. The less free time I have, the better I feel about myself. Along the same lines, if I could stop going to school and work full time, I would be very happy. Contrarily, I also really want nothing more than to be a stay-at-home mother. I am all about domesticity.
32. I have a love/hate relationship with writing. It's hard to explain. I enjoy it, and at the same time, I detest it. The only time I ever write anything well-written is at the very last minute under serious amounts of stress. Often times, however, there is little-to-no research to back up my thesis. However, I always get good grades on these papers. Unfortunately, they're never anything worth sharing. I wish I had the ability to write creatively, like I once did. Poetry and short stories are my favourites.
33. A lot of my philosophy about life has changed, recently. What brought about these changes, I'm not sure. They're kind of personal, but since this is my personal (and yet oh-so public) journal, I'll briefly discuss them here.
a. Drinking is not evil. I went to a party for the first time and lost track of the number of drinks I tried. It was fun relaxing and dancing and having a good time. Also, dancing is not evil. : ]
b. I don't understand why people put a price on virginity. When I started dating Jon, my one stipulation to our relationship was that I would not have sex with him. This made me ponder why my morals were as such. I can't say I was really raised to believe in "no sex before marriage" especially since Mother encouraged otherwise. My father has never really impressed such ideas into my head, and I didn't really have an overly religious upbringing. That being said, when I heard that a girl sold her virginity on eBay for 3.5 million dollars, I started pondering this moral dilemma even more. I've decided I don't care. I put no price on this idea of virginity.
c. The thing I find most difficult to grasp that I've discovered in the last couple weeks is that I am attractive. This makes me want to cry; I cannot explain that reaction whatsoever. After the hockey game a couple weeks ago, a guy asked me for my number. An attractive guy. Attractive guys do NOT take interest in women that look like me. Attractive guys ask attractive girls for their numbers. Guys don't express interest in me based on looks alone; they usually fall for my wit, my sarcasm, my intelligence, my overall personality... Not my face, not my body. My sisters are the ones in the family blessed with beauty--not me. However, I have recently learned that, apart from the hockey guy, two other guys have ...complimented me in a similar fashion. Evidently, when Jon met me the first night I worked, his first thoughts were "I love my job." Likewise, Pawel said he "couldn't wait to get the chance to talk to me." I'm still shocked. Guys simply don't like me for my looks. I have a hard time believing someone would be interested in me knowing little to nothing about my personality.
These three things have really turned my world upside down this past month. That may seem weird, but I have an entirely different perspective on life. A large part of me enjoys this. I thank my roommates.
34. Midgets scare me, and obese people piss me off. I know midgets can't help it, but they truly terrify me. People who are obese just make me angry--I can't rightly explain it, but they should lose weight.
35. Since I have converted to Catholicism, I find peace and serenity in the most minute things. No matter how terrible things get, either in my life or someone else's, I always have this profound feeling that everything will be all right. Perhaps it sounds cheesy, and it likely does not have anything to do with the actual religion itself, but I know that God will take care of me, of you, of us, no matter what. I wish I could help other people feel this sense of peace, but I'm too terrified to discuss faith with them. [Please don't judge me.]
36. I could never be with someone that I couldn't sit alone with for hours, doing absolutely nothing, and still be perfectly content. Sophomore year of high school, spent mainly with Andrew in this exact fashion, is the perfect example of how I want my relationship to be. To constantly be on the go, moving, doing, thinking, feeling... can be invigorating, yes, but also quite exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my fair share of deep, intellectual conversation or stimulating activity, but I also enjoy the simplicity of silence and the comfort of cuddling.
37. When I talk to people, or tell stories, particularly of my childhood or friends or things that really matter to me, I usually believe that my audience does not care, so I stop talking. [Also the product of my submission, I believe.]
38. All of my best thoughts, ideas, quotes, philosophies, mantras, etc come to me while I shower. Any time something is bothering me, I usually find my resolution while pondering the situation throughout a nice shower. Most of these thoughts listed here have been the product of those ponderings.
39. When I first started looking at colleges, I was absolutely set on not wanting a large school--absolutely nothing more than 1,000 students or so. Now that I am at Ohio State, I do not think I could have gone anywhere else. Even with 60,000 students, Ohio State seems so small. On any given day, I cannot walk across campus or eat a meal without seeing at least half a dozen people that I know. I enjoy the fact that I have made such a large community feel so small and close-knit. Contrarily, I feel like I could live on a farm for the rest of my life and love every minute of it.
40. Irony rules my life; sometimes, it's uncanny. Ask me sometime; I'd be more than happy to share my eerily ironic stories with you.
41. My beliefs switch between feminism and anti-feminism, if that makes any sense. As I've said, I could never live a life without work--I've always known I've wanted to work for the longest time; I love it. However, it is often my belief that women, myself included, should stay out of the workplace. I'm torn between these two polar opposites. To work, or not to work? Regardless of a woman's occupation, I, for the most part, hate women.
42. In case you hadn't noticed, my existence is riddled with incongruities--large school, small farm; workaholic, domesticity; submissive, yet strong-willed; low standards for other, yet high standards for myself... This creates a lot of gaps in my character. Mostly, I am very confused as to what I believe in and what I stand for--it changes so often, that I tend to avoid discussing my beliefs on anything of importance.
43. A combination of my rough childhood and fascination with Africa help keep my life in perspective [and subsequently, I help keep others in perspective]. Growing up in almost a homeless fashion has allowed me to keep in mind that things could always be worse. Yet, even though my family struggled all those years ago, I know our suffering was nothing compared to what many in Africa, South America, the Middle East, South East Asia, and even parts of the US are still fighting through. For this reason, I want to dedicate my life to aiding those who struggle just as my family and I did. Nothing is more satisfying than the idea of helping these people--so their poverty can become faint images of times long passed.