A week's worth of PMS,
Damn, is it me or has it been a slightly crappy emotional week for everybody? Things are....I don't know. Weird, I suppose. Damn, why is it that whenever I sit down to write stuff out, I always come up with a blank. I'm tired, my head hurts and I want to write.
This is a weird purge of my mind. Things have been not so okay for the past week, though i suppose I've been ignoring in and putting it on the back burner. It's like unconscious denial - like you know something is wrong but your mind just refuses to acknowledge it? eeh, not making any sense here.
I almost thought to make this a private entry...but I don't know why I am not. God, I'm so melodramatic! *shoots self* I just want to get it all out.
See, this week has been a somewhat crappy week. With school, work, friends etc. It's strange. I find myself wanting to do things, but not being able to do them now. I always tell myself, "Oh, I'll do it next semester." etc. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH Im frustrated.
I want a good circle of friends. I want to be able to go out and not worry about who I am going to eat dinner with. I want to have a social life without thinking that I need one. I want to go to class and do well. I want to study and feel accomplished, instead of feeling like I just wasted another 12 hours of my life. I want to not feel this way right now. Because, it drives me crazy.
I'm usually a happy person, I think. My friends know me as such. Why am I having a hard time being happy? Like Jenn said, I have everything I want. A good family, great friends, food and clothes on my back...but none of this can compare to emotional happiness. If I could trade everything for complete and utter contentment, I would. I really would.
I feel very isolated and I don;t know why. I don't know how to fix this. I want people that I can talk to freely. My friends from back home are awesome, but it just isn't enough sometimes. I need more than that. I need a LIFE.
I don't want to spend my life like this. I felt like I had made so much progress after I can to the US. I feel like I am completely regressing in terms of who I am, who I was, what I want. I don't feel like I know what I want. I'm constantly confused and upset and it is so ANNOYING.
I'm a logical person, right? I usually know what to do, how things are going and who I am, random shit like that. For god's sake, I was just talking to my sister when she was upset and I said, "You need to be able to walk down the street and have people say, "wow, that is a confident woman"". I just completely suck at taking my own advice. I can't follow my own rules, my opinions and expectations. I'm such a hypocrite.
That's it. I'm done. I can't write anymore. It just feels weird and completely drama filled, but I don;t know how to say it better.
off to physics...