#000
I haven't posted on here in forever because why bother? I don't need a journal. I'm not a 16 year old girl. And that's nothing against any of you who still use livejournal. do your thing. It's just that I have full access to a computer 24/7, and the fact that i'm separating myself from all of this fake shit is really promising.
Why? Because i'm doing my thing. Simply put. I'm out there doing it. I'm satisfied with where I am, and I don't even know why. My job sucks, I feel I have a good amount of responsibility and authority, but the hours are dwindling and it has no future. I'm barely making it out on my own living with Kat. This isn't true I guess. Do I have money to pay bills? Yes. But do I have money to blow on shit I don't need? Not as much anymore. Is it a problem? I guess not. That's life. And to top all things off, what am I doing outside of work? A whole lot of nothing. I play a lot of video games, fuck around on the computer every once in a while. I'm building a home studio in our office, which is almost complete.
So considering all of this, am I doing my thing? have I reached that point of happiness? Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. It's done. I did it. Because honestly, fuck a job, fuck a paycheck, and fuck a social life. These are the things that matter only to those who think these things matter. It's all relative. Everything used to be judged by a certain degree of popularity and a relationship. It's really easy when you're fucking around to say "man, I need to get more friends" or "man, I need a girlfriend/boyfriend"....but then when you get that girl, and you make those friends, you no longer have something to prove and can really assess what's important to you.
Kat and I get along so well. She's easily my best friend and we communicate with each other better than almost anybody i've ever met. I have fucked around with some stupid girls in my life. I've seen just about every negative side of relationships and the sadism of a human being in control of another's feelings. I've fucked up and been fucked over. To find something special with somebody like this is really nice. It was worth fighting for, practically stealing from those who didn't deserve it. And now here I am. I live with her, my best friend. How fucking stupid would I have to be to find any faults in that? We're absolutely perfect where we are right now, so all that's required of me and her collectively is to not fuck it up.
Fuck friends. Friends are so fake. I've met so many people these past couple of years that mean less and less to me as I see them more. I know my friends. I keep them close to me. The social circles around here are so transient and ever changing that nobody gives a shit about anybody around them, just the fact that there are people around them. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.
So I'd say I definitely have friends, more than enough. They call me and I call them, and there's no social networking requirement to maintain a talking relationship. And above all, there's followup. It's not a one night hangout that bleeds into months of not hearing from each other while we explore the various other people in the "scene".
I'm regretless about Vera, The Ghost, but there are times I miss it so much. A melody will pop into my head, or i'll remember a time with Jeremy, Tony, and Leslie, and it'll strike a note of nostalgia that really stings sometimes. Yeah, things went sour, but now that the hype has died and the band has become to us what it always was to everybody else, I think it's sad the conflict that arose from something so simple. I lost two real good friends to that band who I really cared about, and for what? A couple of pop songs? This isn't to say I have regrets about how things went down. Leslie left the band, but I can't blame her...not that I will ever understand exactly why, but we all should've left the band. We began as four laughing friends. I'd drop an idea for a song and we wouldn't spend enough time on it because we were having too much fun. FUN. That's the element taken out of the band. What the fuck is the point if it's not fun? Breaking up that band was the best move any of us ever made, and that's because taking ourselves too seriously was the worst move we ever made.
But I digress, nobody cares. I'm the only one who even bothers to dedicate a paragraph to the band. Tony is doing his punk rock band thing, leslie is chasing her boyfriend across the country and his band, and Jeremy is engaged and living the life of a houseowner. And me? I'm right here.
I still want to write music. I'd love to take a backseat role in a band playing keyboards, but i'm not going out of my way to find one. Either something will happen or it won't. I have been writing music with Kat I really dig, and with the abilities I have in this office, I can make any kind of music I want. Maybe i'll do it, or maybe I won't.
I don't even know what i'm saying. I don't have money, power, fame, glory, security....but I have ambition and optimism, and that's worth the whole game to me.
Why? Because i'm doing my thing. Simply put. I'm out there doing it. I'm satisfied with where I am, and I don't even know why. My job sucks, I feel I have a good amount of responsibility and authority, but the hours are dwindling and it has no future. I'm barely making it out on my own living with Kat. This isn't true I guess. Do I have money to pay bills? Yes. But do I have money to blow on shit I don't need? Not as much anymore. Is it a problem? I guess not. That's life. And to top all things off, what am I doing outside of work? A whole lot of nothing. I play a lot of video games, fuck around on the computer every once in a while. I'm building a home studio in our office, which is almost complete.
So considering all of this, am I doing my thing? have I reached that point of happiness? Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. It's done. I did it. Because honestly, fuck a job, fuck a paycheck, and fuck a social life. These are the things that matter only to those who think these things matter. It's all relative. Everything used to be judged by a certain degree of popularity and a relationship. It's really easy when you're fucking around to say "man, I need to get more friends" or "man, I need a girlfriend/boyfriend"....but then when you get that girl, and you make those friends, you no longer have something to prove and can really assess what's important to you.
Kat and I get along so well. She's easily my best friend and we communicate with each other better than almost anybody i've ever met. I have fucked around with some stupid girls in my life. I've seen just about every negative side of relationships and the sadism of a human being in control of another's feelings. I've fucked up and been fucked over. To find something special with somebody like this is really nice. It was worth fighting for, practically stealing from those who didn't deserve it. And now here I am. I live with her, my best friend. How fucking stupid would I have to be to find any faults in that? We're absolutely perfect where we are right now, so all that's required of me and her collectively is to not fuck it up.
Fuck friends. Friends are so fake. I've met so many people these past couple of years that mean less and less to me as I see them more. I know my friends. I keep them close to me. The social circles around here are so transient and ever changing that nobody gives a shit about anybody around them, just the fact that there are people around them. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.
So I'd say I definitely have friends, more than enough. They call me and I call them, and there's no social networking requirement to maintain a talking relationship. And above all, there's followup. It's not a one night hangout that bleeds into months of not hearing from each other while we explore the various other people in the "scene".
I'm regretless about Vera, The Ghost, but there are times I miss it so much. A melody will pop into my head, or i'll remember a time with Jeremy, Tony, and Leslie, and it'll strike a note of nostalgia that really stings sometimes. Yeah, things went sour, but now that the hype has died and the band has become to us what it always was to everybody else, I think it's sad the conflict that arose from something so simple. I lost two real good friends to that band who I really cared about, and for what? A couple of pop songs? This isn't to say I have regrets about how things went down. Leslie left the band, but I can't blame her...not that I will ever understand exactly why, but we all should've left the band. We began as four laughing friends. I'd drop an idea for a song and we wouldn't spend enough time on it because we were having too much fun. FUN. That's the element taken out of the band. What the fuck is the point if it's not fun? Breaking up that band was the best move any of us ever made, and that's because taking ourselves too seriously was the worst move we ever made.
But I digress, nobody cares. I'm the only one who even bothers to dedicate a paragraph to the band. Tony is doing his punk rock band thing, leslie is chasing her boyfriend across the country and his band, and Jeremy is engaged and living the life of a houseowner. And me? I'm right here.
I still want to write music. I'd love to take a backseat role in a band playing keyboards, but i'm not going out of my way to find one. Either something will happen or it won't. I have been writing music with Kat I really dig, and with the abilities I have in this office, I can make any kind of music I want. Maybe i'll do it, or maybe I won't.
I don't even know what i'm saying. I don't have money, power, fame, glory, security....but I have ambition and optimism, and that's worth the whole game to me.