For myself......
once again I turn to the safety of Livejournal. Mysapce and facebook are great but way to public for the rest of the world. It seems to me that being the person I want to be gets harder and harder, mostly due to the rest of the worlds expectations. Im expected to be a certain person for work, another one for my family, and another one for Trav's family. And don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love His family like my own. but when does being appropriate stop and bending to their will begin? It seems like such a fine line. And with my family, I love them but they see me as one person, when Ive changed and become the person I wanted to be since I got away from them. I know now I could never return home. its just that so many of my ideas and the way I live and do things are just so different now than they were when I was under their thumb. And I think thats exactly why. All of my life I gave in. I did what Mom expected, tried to do what Dad wanted, when Rock threw a fit about something i just tried to pacify him, and don't even get me started on how I used to tiptoe around Mark. For a long time I looked up to my sister, i felt so proud when people dubbed us the twins. Then it was all just to much so I came here. Celia being really the only one with prior knowledge of my past life and Jonny. SO I was lost for awhile, made some bad choices, and reflected on a lot of bad choices I made a long time ago. And I changed, and Im still changing every day. so now its so weird to go back home, or go to visit the soon to be in laws, and have all of these expectations put on my head. Is that just part of getting older? realizing that your family is crazy but you love them anyway? not that I didn't know that, but now I see it on a whole other level. like my mom, buying another dog when I know she doesn't have the money...wtf? or my grandmother who's house is literally falling down around her but shes to stubborn to admit it? my eventual mother in law, and her side of the family that think your not a worthwhile person until you have an important degree, who doesn't "approve" of just about anything in life thats not tradition. i love them all just the same, but when they are around I just feel this anxiety to be the person they expect, but I feel as though they won't just open their eyes and see who I am. Cause Im finally ok with who that is, on most days anyway :).