One-shot: Why Do I Love You...
Title: Why Do I Love You...
Pairing: Ikuta Toma / Matsumoto Jun ; sidepair Ikuta Toma / Ichikawa Yui
Rating: PG
Genre: romance, angst
A/N: Hey, hear about the Toma/Yui rumors? It was on yahoo japan, so Im thinking...they're not really "rumors." Which just gives me a whole new genre to play with Toma...
Jun knew, as soon as he opened the door, that this was the end.
It was in the droop of the other mans’s shoulders and the way his head hung in defeat. It screamed from every inch of his body language and all Jun wanted to do was close the door and pretend he wasn’t really there.
But, when their eyes locked he could see how they were full of regret. Jun could feel the numbness seep into his bones, and he stepped aside wordlessly to let him enter.
__
He knew it would come to this, one day. It would boil down to a choice, and naively, he’d always held onto the hope that in the end, he’d be the one he chose.
Not her.
It wasn’t something he could put into words, what he felt for this man. This man that he’d known nearly half his life, who he’d grown up with, and learned to trust so dearly.
They never talked about this thing between them and what it could mean. It had started, so many years ago; one moment they were congratulating each other on another successful countdown show, and the next, they were stumbling into the closest vacant room. The memory was a blur of teeth and tongues, hands scrabbling at god awful Johnny’s costumes, and pure lust. But, when they had finished and were basking in the afterglow, there was affection and playfulness, and just something that made it feel different than just a fling.
__
“I cant keep doing this…WE, can’t keep doing this…” he said after long moments of silence. He hadn’t even budged from the entranceway, standing there hands fisted at his sides and burning a hole in the floor with his heavy gaze.
Jun tried to be nonchalant, but it was hard, so hard, with the buzzing in his ear getting louder and his hands starting to shake as his mind cried nonononono. “Oh,” he tried to say, but it came out more of a broken sob.
His head snapped up to look at Jun, his face twisted in agony at the sound. “I never wanted to hurt you,” he whispered fiercely, pleading with tears in his eyes for Jun to know the truth in his words.
And Jun did.
__
When he started dating her, Jun didn’t know what to think. Sure, they hadn’t said they’d be exclusive, but it was still a strange situation. But, in their line of work, it made sense. To have a lover was scandalous enough, heaven forbid they be of the same sex. And when he’d brought it up, the other man had shrugged and said if they both knew about it, it wasn’t cheating. As long as he wasn’t committed to one more than the other.
And Jun had been ok with that because it was more than he could have asked for.
But, in the back of his mind, he knew it couldn’t last forever.
__
“She wants to get married,” he tried to explain, but it was increasingly difficult to understand through his tears. “…not, right away. But, someday. And, I do too.”
Jun’s heart clenched painfully at that, words like “duty” and “honor” ringing loudly in his ears.
“I want…to do right by her,” he continued softly, “and I want to do right by you, too.” Tears ran in steady trails down his face, those big eyes that spoke so much, begging for Jun’s forgiveness.
He tried to wretch his gaze away, but it was impossible. He never could resist those eyes.
Jun’s smile was shaky as he pulled himself to his full height, squaring his shoulders as he tried to bury his pain. “We had a good run, didn’t w-we?” But, his voice cracked on the last word opening the floodgates to the tears he’d been physically restraining since he’d opened the door.
Toma leaped into action, throwing his arms around the older man in a fierce bear hug. “I’m so, so, so, sorry,” he babbled through large sniffles. He hugged Jun tightly and Jun clung back. “I never, ever regretted a single moment,” he whispered harshly into Jun’s ear, “but, if this continues, I will. And I can’t, ever, do that to you.”
Jun nodded desperately, not trusting his voice at all. But, there was so much he wanted to say, felt he needed to say, never had the chance or courage to, and might never have the chance to ever again. Yet, when he opened his mouth all that came out was a loud sob. He bit down on his lip, the force of his restrained anguish sending tremors through his body.
Then, there were hands on his face, gently raising his head. He tried to resist, couldn’t bare the thought that this was their last goodbye. But, when soft lips pressed insistently against his own, he didn’t even think to hesitate.
The kiss was desperate and messy. Snot, spit, and tears were everywhere and behind it all were years of pent up feelings and emotions. Jun poured himself, his heart and his soul, into the kiss, wanting Toma to know he had never been just a thing. And maybe, only subconsciously, hoping his decision could be swayed.
But, all too soon, the younger man was pulling away, and Jun had to use every ounce of self-control he possessed to not cling to the man as he kissed him softly one last time, turned and was out the door without another word.
A/N: Ok, I take it back. I do not heart broken Junma. It hurts too much in a bad way. Like, Sakumoto angst hurts, but in a good way. This just hurt....I dont think I want to do that again...
Pairing: Ikuta Toma / Matsumoto Jun ; sidepair Ikuta Toma / Ichikawa Yui
Rating: PG
Genre: romance, angst
A/N: Hey, hear about the Toma/Yui rumors? It was on yahoo japan, so Im thinking...they're not really "rumors." Which just gives me a whole new genre to play with Toma...
Jun knew, as soon as he opened the door, that this was the end.
It was in the droop of the other mans’s shoulders and the way his head hung in defeat. It screamed from every inch of his body language and all Jun wanted to do was close the door and pretend he wasn’t really there.
But, when their eyes locked he could see how they were full of regret. Jun could feel the numbness seep into his bones, and he stepped aside wordlessly to let him enter.
__
He knew it would come to this, one day. It would boil down to a choice, and naively, he’d always held onto the hope that in the end, he’d be the one he chose.
Not her.
It wasn’t something he could put into words, what he felt for this man. This man that he’d known nearly half his life, who he’d grown up with, and learned to trust so dearly.
They never talked about this thing between them and what it could mean. It had started, so many years ago; one moment they were congratulating each other on another successful countdown show, and the next, they were stumbling into the closest vacant room. The memory was a blur of teeth and tongues, hands scrabbling at god awful Johnny’s costumes, and pure lust. But, when they had finished and were basking in the afterglow, there was affection and playfulness, and just something that made it feel different than just a fling.
__
“I cant keep doing this…WE, can’t keep doing this…” he said after long moments of silence. He hadn’t even budged from the entranceway, standing there hands fisted at his sides and burning a hole in the floor with his heavy gaze.
Jun tried to be nonchalant, but it was hard, so hard, with the buzzing in his ear getting louder and his hands starting to shake as his mind cried nonononono. “Oh,” he tried to say, but it came out more of a broken sob.
His head snapped up to look at Jun, his face twisted in agony at the sound. “I never wanted to hurt you,” he whispered fiercely, pleading with tears in his eyes for Jun to know the truth in his words.
And Jun did.
__
When he started dating her, Jun didn’t know what to think. Sure, they hadn’t said they’d be exclusive, but it was still a strange situation. But, in their line of work, it made sense. To have a lover was scandalous enough, heaven forbid they be of the same sex. And when he’d brought it up, the other man had shrugged and said if they both knew about it, it wasn’t cheating. As long as he wasn’t committed to one more than the other.
And Jun had been ok with that because it was more than he could have asked for.
But, in the back of his mind, he knew it couldn’t last forever.
__
“She wants to get married,” he tried to explain, but it was increasingly difficult to understand through his tears. “…not, right away. But, someday. And, I do too.”
Jun’s heart clenched painfully at that, words like “duty” and “honor” ringing loudly in his ears.
“I want…to do right by her,” he continued softly, “and I want to do right by you, too.” Tears ran in steady trails down his face, those big eyes that spoke so much, begging for Jun’s forgiveness.
He tried to wretch his gaze away, but it was impossible. He never could resist those eyes.
Jun’s smile was shaky as he pulled himself to his full height, squaring his shoulders as he tried to bury his pain. “We had a good run, didn’t w-we?” But, his voice cracked on the last word opening the floodgates to the tears he’d been physically restraining since he’d opened the door.
Toma leaped into action, throwing his arms around the older man in a fierce bear hug. “I’m so, so, so, sorry,” he babbled through large sniffles. He hugged Jun tightly and Jun clung back. “I never, ever regretted a single moment,” he whispered harshly into Jun’s ear, “but, if this continues, I will. And I can’t, ever, do that to you.”
Jun nodded desperately, not trusting his voice at all. But, there was so much he wanted to say, felt he needed to say, never had the chance or courage to, and might never have the chance to ever again. Yet, when he opened his mouth all that came out was a loud sob. He bit down on his lip, the force of his restrained anguish sending tremors through his body.
Then, there were hands on his face, gently raising his head. He tried to resist, couldn’t bare the thought that this was their last goodbye. But, when soft lips pressed insistently against his own, he didn’t even think to hesitate.
The kiss was desperate and messy. Snot, spit, and tears were everywhere and behind it all were years of pent up feelings and emotions. Jun poured himself, his heart and his soul, into the kiss, wanting Toma to know he had never been just a thing. And maybe, only subconsciously, hoping his decision could be swayed.
But, all too soon, the younger man was pulling away, and Jun had to use every ounce of self-control he possessed to not cling to the man as he kissed him softly one last time, turned and was out the door without another word.
A/N: Ok, I take it back. I do not heart broken Junma. It hurts too much in a bad way. Like, Sakumoto angst hurts, but in a good way. This just hurt....I dont think I want to do that again...