Please don't shoot me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dksluvsfwm]

She spent the night on Friday and I got drunk. The next day I was really upset, because Lyn's gf was treating her like shit. I told her she deserved better and should date me again and she was all "is that your pitch?" I sheepishly said yes to which she replied, "you will have to do better than that." So I was really upset and crying and she kept asking me what was wrong, and I pulled a "Scully" and said I am fine and she says Sara you are crying. She keeps bugging me all night, even putting her arm around me at one point I tell her when we are done hanging out @ the beach with the others I will tell her. So about 930 we leave, and after she gets off the phone, I tell her ok I am ready to tell you. I promised someone a long time ago who I loved and had my heart even if we break-up no one else will ever have my heart, and I feel guilty because someone does, I thought because she got quiet she didn't know who I meant. So I call her last night to flat out tell her "you have my heart", but instead I say "you know who I meant when I said someone else has my heart?" She says "me?" and I say "yeah, I didn't think you knew, because sometimes I don't explain myself properly" "Sara, I am not that stupid I knew who you meant." I guess she called me while I was in the shower, because I went to get my phone to charge it I had a missed call and when I looked who it was I call her back. She then says "So what did you have to tell me?" A lot of ums later I tell her "It was about what I said last night," once again I take the easy way out. Then she has to go pay attention to her son and she calls me back 20 minutes or so later and says "Sara, I don't think we should talk again for awhile" WTF? I am all like ok fine. Then about ten o'clock last night her gf calls me twice and apologizes for the truth or dare question she asked Lyn "if you weren't with me who would you be with?" Lyn has told me before if she was single we would have another chance, but she didn't say me. She had already told her gf she cheated on her with me.

I know I have given her all the power again, but she needed to know how I felt, so she knows. She has told me before she didn't think I was serious about a relationship and that is one reason it ended. She is also refusing to take the bus anymore to San Jose to see her gf and I asked "what if she breaks up with you over it?" "I don't really care if she does." So basically do I give up on the posibillity of us and hurt even worse? Or stick it out and hurt, but still have a chance? For all of you who knew me during Jo know I will hurt worse if I give up on this.