(no subject)
there's so much to deal with lately. moving waya from home, leaving all that's there bihnd and beginging over again with the feeling of love still in my grasp, leaving the little ones, feeling like that's a constant pattern they will learn. Everything just is so fucked up right now. I find happiness in the smallest amounts, almost like stubling upon a oasis in the dessert (yummy). so my grandma's boyfriend died this week. we're here, in illinois, trying to help my grandmother out as much as possible. to be strong for her, to give her hopw for her inevitable ending as well. we always thought that don would out live many of the older people in out small/large family. it's a first for many of my fanliy member seeing me speak my mind, have my voice heard. like my uncle lester for expamle. he's one of the most religious men i know but you couldn't have said that about him 20 years prior to this letter/whateverthefuckitis. He wanted to know who i was involved with at the moment and i, of course and much willingly, told him where i come from and whaqt beliefs i share with the small group of others that are in this place of small town usa. But he doesn't believe that a woman should have the right to CHOSE bewteen giving and taking life. Like him, and many of the others out there like him, he believes the bible is the only way to live. we must go by this text to live our lives. i gave him the appropriate fuck you in the nicest way i could gather. he's one of the many men in this world who don't believe women have a voice. I feel that he imposes this on all the people that he meets. i want to get off of him before i just can't type anymore. shit. my brain is jsut fucking racing with the pedal to the metal, exhuast and steam coming from the front of my engine, i can't tame that beast. i don't think that will ever be able to be tamed. there's only one person i believe that will ever be able to do this. and how i miss her so and how i will miss her so.
too much reality has hit me over the course of the past two days. i got to see all the friends that don has/had walk past his open casket upon two ocassions. the first day was the wake. this viewing is so tormenting to all loved ones and people who despised this man. He was honorable in his self righteuos esteem, built in his head by all that he has done. Like i was saying, the first day was horrible. my mother, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandma and great aunt, all entered the McDaniel funeral home from the back. why we didn't use the appropriate door i will never know but i remember seeing the coat rack. My first instinct, hang up my coat as to not be so sweaty when i see his lifeless body held up by the solid oak coffin stand he now lyes on. After entering, i then joined some of the others in the foyier, where we were suppose to enter. I saw a glimpse of his face when my grandmother and her children filled into the viewing area. It was a split second and the energy of the room changed. they had their crying bit and i couldn't help but still hold back the tears that were long deserved when i had first heard the news two days prior to the current described situation. Then, it was our turn, all the grandchildern. I had to be the first to go up there because i knew i would be the first to leave. and so it went on like that. me sobing with all my might questioning way too many things for my own good. why we're here? why life is so short, why is all that we're given taken away so quickly, like the heart attack that took him from us. i saw his face and the tears came pouring down. his lifeless body just there. with his arms crossed al pleasant like...all normal. fuck that. he didn't want it that way. he never pressented himself in that fassion. i don't want to describe anymore...it's kind of hard to.
i feel...empty...without you girl i feel completely empty.
too much reality has hit me over the course of the past two days. i got to see all the friends that don has/had walk past his open casket upon two ocassions. the first day was the wake. this viewing is so tormenting to all loved ones and people who despised this man. He was honorable in his self righteuos esteem, built in his head by all that he has done. Like i was saying, the first day was horrible. my mother, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandma and great aunt, all entered the McDaniel funeral home from the back. why we didn't use the appropriate door i will never know but i remember seeing the coat rack. My first instinct, hang up my coat as to not be so sweaty when i see his lifeless body held up by the solid oak coffin stand he now lyes on. After entering, i then joined some of the others in the foyier, where we were suppose to enter. I saw a glimpse of his face when my grandmother and her children filled into the viewing area. It was a split second and the energy of the room changed. they had their crying bit and i couldn't help but still hold back the tears that were long deserved when i had first heard the news two days prior to the current described situation. Then, it was our turn, all the grandchildern. I had to be the first to go up there because i knew i would be the first to leave. and so it went on like that. me sobing with all my might questioning way too many things for my own good. why we're here? why life is so short, why is all that we're given taken away so quickly, like the heart attack that took him from us. i saw his face and the tears came pouring down. his lifeless body just there. with his arms crossed al pleasant like...all normal. fuck that. he didn't want it that way. he never pressented himself in that fassion. i don't want to describe anymore...it's kind of hard to.
i feel...empty...without you girl i feel completely empty.