(no subject)
I'm sitting here staring at empty pill bottles, wondering what it's like not to have to rely on medications to balance myself out. I like to think i don't need them, that i'm not completely fucked up, but after i've been off of them for a while, i realise why i'm on them in the first place. I hate myself. I hate my thoughts. Why do i have them? I appear to be a retarded burnout, when i actually have a brilliant mind that i have absolutely no control over. I torture myself, and I can't stop. I guess that's one reason i've turned to drugs in the past. The only way ive been able to control myself is by numbing my mind. I'm so tired of relying on substances and medications just to control my thoughts and emotions. I want to be normal, but im a fucking nutcase. I hate what i am. I hate not being able to control myself. I've fucked up my life. Lost control and hit a cop. Got severely depressed and ended up a phone call away from death (thanks matt).Although sometimes i wonder if it would have been better for everyone if i had died. I've caused my family so many problems, caused myself so many problems. I'm tired of talking to doctors and being pilled up. Need mood stabilizers so i dont freak out and kill someone, need sleep aids so i can actually sleep at night, need ADD medication so i can keep my mind from wandering, I'm on the maximum dose of my antidepressants to keep me from ending my life. I'm all out of my medications right now, and probably need to go see my psychiatrist. I kind of want to go without my medications for a while, i want to try to learn to handle myself, but i've tried before and hate what i can become. I hate having no self control, I end up doing things that i regret or that ruin my life. Like i said before, I want to be normal.