Untitled CCS fic from days past.
Posting this for posterity.
I wrote this around three years ago. I'm not sure what I was thinking, or even if I were thinking coherently at all. It appears to have a great many random references and cameos from other anime series, which does give it a bit of nostalgia value.
Reproduced here without any editing. It's probably sad that I can't see any improvements in my writing from then and now.
Syaoran woke up, and wished he hadn't.
First things first. Take stock of one's location, both physically and mentally. Physically... he was handcuffed to an unfamiliar bed, there was a whiff of something he didn't really want to know pervading the room, he was massively, stupendously hung over, and he was wearing his boxers and one purple polka-dotted sock and nothing else.
He decided not to try for mentally.
He lifted his head as much as he dared, and then fell back until the freight trains on hyperdrive stopped hammering through his brain. Okay, definitely bad idea.
There was something important that was supposed to be happening... today? Yes, it was more or less morning, the very faint light that peeped through the window curtains just potent enough to boil his eyeballs.
Something important. Syaoran tried to clear the fog in his mind, and failed.
Ah well. If he couldn't remember it, it couldn't have been that serious anyway.
Syaoran closed his eyes, and immediately went back to sleep.
*****
All in all, Akizuki Nakuru was probably one of the better choices for an event organizer. She Got Things Done, mostly Quite Fast, and could Motivate People in all sorts of ways.
Now, if only she wasn't such a complete dictator about it.
"I said, where the hell are the streamers? Hello? Anyone actually listening to me, and has a brain? Geez, what a bunch of morons." Nakuru put away her megaphone, and scowled. "Good help these days is so hard to find."
"Maybe that's because we're not actually, you know, being paid to do this?" Touya commented.
Nakuru immediately whirled on him, and gave him a dazzling smile. "But Touya-kuuuun! Aren't you happy to be doing this for your sister?"
"If you put it like that..."
"Now go get ready, okay? We've got a long day ahead of us!" Nakuru beamed at him for a while longer, and then switched back into Psycho Planner Bitch Mode. "And where are the caterers?"
Rika raised a hand. "Ano... I think they're on the way."
"Finally, something going right around here. Cake! Where's the cake!"
"Akizuki-san sure is scary when she's mad," Chiharu commented to her partner.
"Speaking of scary..."
-BONK-
"Hai, hai. Now, dear, just run along and go find Naoko, okay? I think we need to check the guest list one more time."
"Hai..."
Chiharu Yamazaki watched her husband wander off, and frowned. "Come to think of it, has anyone seen Tomoyo?"
*****
Naoko, meanwhile, was having problems.
"Come on," she wheedled, "everyone's waiting for you. I'm sure Sakura will be very happy to see the dress you made for her, right?"
"I'll be out in a minute."
Well, that would make it seventy-four minutes and counting. Naoko stared in helplessness at the locked door, and tried another tack. "You are happy that Sakura is getting married, aren't you? To Li-kun?"
"... Yes."
She didn't sound very happy. "Now, don't you want to celebrate with them? As her best friend?"
Silence.
"Please?"
"... I'll be out in a minute."
Naoko was seriously considering taking a battering ram of some sort to the door, or (she remembered reading about this recently) obtaining a set of lockpicks, when Yamazaki arrived on the scene.
"Problems?" he asked, noticing Naoko's worried expression.
Naoko nodded. "She won't come out of the room," she said, indicating the door.
"... Is this because..."
"Yes."
"I see. Well, this reminds me of the time when-"
Naoko held up a hand. "Look, Yamazaki-kun, while I enjoy your stories, this is not the time. We have to get Tomoyo out of there now. She's got Sakura's and Li-kun's clothes."
"Now that could be interesting..."
"Yamazaki-kun!"
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding! How long have you tried convincing her to come out?"
"About an hour, maybe more." Naoko blinked. "You don't think..."
"We'll find a way," Yamazaki reassured her.
"It's just that..." Naoko stopped. "Where's Sakura? Maybe she can help."
"Kinomoto? She's... actually, I haven't seen her today. You?"
"No, I thought she was with you and Chiharu."
Yamazaki blinked.
*****
In the kitchen, disaster loomed.
"Food food food food GLORIOUS FOOD!!" Kero-chan cackled.
Just because something is less than a foot high doesn't mean it cannot loom.
"You do know that these are only snacks," Suppi noted. "The caterers have not arrived with the actual food yet."
"Yeah, but it's still FOOD!" Kero-chan inhaled a spoonful of pudding larger than his head. "Delicious!!"
Suppi muttered a rude word.
"Hm, did you say something?" Kero-chan asked, spoon halfway to his mouth.
"No, nothing," Suppi said nonchalantly. Before Kero-chan could ambush him with a spoonful of sugary confectionery, though, Suppi vaulted up high, and hovered.
"Aw, no fair!" Kero-chan complained. Then he shrugged. "More for me, then."
"Pig." Suppi looked around. The kitchen was still deserted, which would change once the caterers arrived.
His eyes were dragged over to the tall mass of... sugar... in the corner.
The cake.
Pondering the somewhat... unorthodox design of the cake, he didn't see Kero-chan rising up behind him like a beast from Hades, wielding the spoon in a pose that the baseball greats would have wept at.
Disaster loomed. It also does not need a recipe, although that would have been helpful.
*****
Yukito raised his hand to knock on Sakura's door, but hesitated. There was something... strange... about all this.
The eldritch glow emanating from beneath the door might have had something to do with that.
And then the door burst open, and Sakura barreled into Yukito's arms.
"WAAAAAAAH!!"
Yukito considered this, consulted his brain for options, came up blank, and decided to turn into Yue.
"I have never figured out why my other self loves to do this to me," Yue griped, as the Mistress of the Clow buried her face in his robes.
"I can't do this!" Sakura wailed, probably not even noticing that her Yukito-san had sprouted wings. "My hair's a mess..."
"It looks fine to me," Yue said.
"... and I don't have anything to wear..."
"Tomoyo's handling it," Yue said.
"... and I don't even know if Syaoran likes me..."
"He does," Yue said.
"... and then I kinda like Tomoyo-chan too..."
"..." Yue said. There didn't seem to be a good response to that.
"... and I don't know what to do and waaaaahh!!"
It dawned onto Yue that he was somehow expected to comfort and convince a woman he had kinda sorta known for over a decade to attend her own wedding. While in his current form.
Yukito's the one who can use the word "love" without looking all Day Of Judgement, he thought sourly.
*****
Sonomi Daidouji was worried.
For one thing, her daughter had locked herself into her room, and refused to come out. Sonomi would have put it down as pre-wedding jitters, except that it wasn't Tomoyo who was getting married, it was her... best friend... of sorts... Sonomi clamped down on that thought.
Also, she wasn't entirely sure that this Syaoran boy really was the best choice for Nadeshiko's daughter. Could any man be? Sure, he seemed devoted enough to her, and she seemed to like him enough, but still...
Finally, she had been watching Fujitaka Kinomoto talk to himself for the past half hour. This generally has a rather unsettling effect on bystanders.
"But dear, I don't think a talk on anthropology would be appropriate for this occasion... yes, I understand, but... mysticism? I haven't studied much in that area... yes..." Fujitaka blinked. "Well, that is a good idea. Thank you for your suggestions, dear, I appreciate it... yes, it's over... oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you couldn't..."
Yes, definitely unsettling.
"Kinomoto-sensei," she called, in an effort to snap him out of his hallucinations.
Fujitaka did not notice her.
"Kinomoto-sensei," Sonomi tried again, with rather more force this time.
Fujitaka turned, and smiled. "Yes, Sonomi-kun?"
Sonomi took an involuntary step back. There was something in the man's eyes that did not seem quite... normal. Still, apart from his dialogue with himself, he seemed sane enough. "Do you know who's officiating the ceremony?" she asked. There, a safe topic.
Fujitaka told her.
Sonomi blinked. "I'm sorry, I must have misheard that... can you please repeat it?"
Fujitaka did so.
"... can he actually do that?"
"Apparently, yes. It's his job." Seeing the expression on Sonomi's face, Fujitaka added, "It's surprising, I know, but the authorization is there."
"Well. That's a thing." Sonomi recovered her composure. "I'll go see how the bride and groom are, then."
Fujitaka smiled.
"She looked troubled," Nadeshiko said.
"I'm sure she'll be fine," Fujitaka replied.
*****
Naoko took off her glasses, and gave them a good wipe. The guest list was long, rambling, and possibly written by either a Russian rice-husker attempting to translate Portugese into ancient Egyptian, or by Syaoran. Both amounted to more or less the same thing, anyway.
She looked up as several figures approached. "Bride or groom?" she asked by reflex.
The figures milled uncertainly. The lead, who was a blur of pink and white, said, "Uh, neither?"
"We're the caterers," another figure said.
Naoko put on her glasses, and smiled. "Ah, yes! We've been expecting you. The kitchens are over at... the back..." Her smile faded slightly as she focused on the group, and then returned with full force. "So please do your best!"
There was a sort of toccata on the theme of affirmatives, and the motley crew filed in. She wondered why the last person (who looked vaguely familiar, like she had seen him in the news before) was wearing what looked like a Tomoyo-creation, cloak and ribbons and all, and then shrugged it off. Stranger things have happened, after all.
*****
Chiharu was very glad that Yamazaki was with her. Otherwise, the faint but noticeable undercurrent of angst in Tomoyo's cheerful assertions of "one minute more" would have driven her to contemplate the possibilities inherent in thirty-storey drops, or perhaps an economical length of rope and a handy stool.
Yamazaki rubbed his chin. "This calls for drastic measures," he declared.
Chiharu gave him a Look. "I don't think I like the sound of that."
Yamazaki knocked at the door. "Daidouji? Are you coming out?"
"... in a minute."
"I thought so." Yamazaki leaned close to the door. "You know, speaking of coming out..."
There was a dreadful contemplative pause, and then the door was flung open.
"I'm ready," Tomoyo said cheerfully.
Chiharu facefaulted.
"So, what do you want me to do?" Tomoyo continued brightly, seemingly unaware of the brittleness of her own smile.
"Well," Chiharu said, recovering, "we do need the costumes... I mean, er, clothes..."
"Oh, they're right here." Tomoyo produced two sets of... well, they could be categorized under "clothing", if one didn't look too closely at the details.
Yamazaki looked closely at the details. "Fascinating," he said.
"Er... right." Chiharu sought for a change of topic. "Should we head to Sakura's room, then? Or Syaoran's?"
"Syaoran's not in his room," Yamazaki supplied. "I checked."
"... oh. Then where is he?"
"One problem at a time. One problem at a time."
Tomoyo smiled.
*****
Naoko looked up. "Oh, you're early! Please sign here beside your name." She indicated the clipboard. "Bride or groom?"
"Yes," the man said. "We have to make it a point to be early, or the unit may be in danger of traps and mines that have not been disarmed; also, the scouts may not have been fully accurate in their report, or the enemy may have installed snipers around the-"
-THWAP-
"Sorry about that," the woman said with practiced ease. She tucked her fan away into... somewhere, Naoko wasn't sure where. "He gets carried away sometimes."
"That hurt a lot," the man stated.
"Shut up. Ahem. Groom. We're his university friends."
Naoko pointed. "Seating to the left, then."
*****
Nakuru took a ragged breath. "Okay. I can handle this. I know I can." She ticked off items on her fingers. "First, Syaoran is nowhere to be found."
"That's right."
"Next, the catering staff has informed us that all the pastries are gone. I'm guessing Cerberus or Suppi-chan."
"Cerberus. We haven't found Spinel yet."
"Cerberus. Right. Has anyone dealt with that glutton?"
"I believe Kaho found him and confined him to her room," Eriol said.
"Also, Sakura is having second thoughts about the wedding."
"I'm inclined to think that it's just the normal jitters."
"Ah. So do we need to worry about it?"
"I shouldn't think so, no."
"Okay. Fine. So why is there a pig in the kitchen?"
"I believe he's part of the staff. He seems to be very useful, at least."
"Remind me again why we chose that bunch of wackos to do the catering."
"The pink-haired one is Daidouji's distant cousin, and they were willing to work for cost."
"Oh yeah."
*****
"Bride or groom?"
"Chii?"
"Groom. From university."
"We're his friends."
"To your left, then. Please sign here."
"Thank you."
"Chii."
*****
Sakura sniffled. "Thanks, Yue-san."
Yue passed her another packet of tissues. "So are we decided?"
"Yeah. I suppose that since me and Syaoran already went this far, we may as well go all the way. Even if I still kinda sorta like Tomoyo-chan."
"..."
"Let's go, then!" Sakura said, then stopped. "Ano, Yue-san..."
"Yes?"
"Could you turn back into Yukito, please? He's the Best Man, after all..."
"..."
*****
"Bride or..." Naoko trailed off. "Um, I don't think pets are allowed in here..."
"She'll behave." The tall woman smiled beatifically.
"Still..."
"Please trust us?" There was a note of desperation in the pigtailed girl's voice. "We promise she won't be trouble!"
"Which is more than I can say for certain people," another woman in the group muttered, adjusting her glasses.
Naoko gave up. "Just... just be careful, please?"
"Thank you very much!"
"We're with the bride," an older woman said.
"Please sign here, and proceed to your right." Naoko watched the group go past. "Out of interest..."
"Hm?" The tall woman inclined her head.
"What sort of cat is that?"
"Iriomote wildcat."
"... oh."
*****
"Sakura-chan!"
"Tomoyo-chan!"
The two embraced.
Chiharu turned pink.
Yamazaki coughed.
The two disengaged, and there was some subtle rearranging of clothes. "Sorry," Sakura said.
"It's okay," Tomoyo said, beaming. She held out a dress. "I brought your wedding dress."
Sakura held it up. "Oh, it's lovely! Thank you so much!"
"And this is Li-kun's," Tomoyo said, holding out said item.
This was given due inspection.
"What are those?" Chiharu asked, pointing.
"Oh, those are little fluffy balls," Tomoyo said. "I thought they would give a certain style to the suit."
"Balls?" Sakura wondered.
"Balls," Tomoyo confirmed.
"Do I have balls?"
"No, I didn't include them in the dress. I can make alterations here if you want."
"What do you think, Yamazaki-kun?" Sakura asked. "Should I have balls?"
Yamazaki pondered this. "Well, I'm not sure. Does the bride need to have balls?"
"I'm not sure," Tomoyo said thoughtfully. "I haven't thought of the bride having balls, but I suppose it could work... normally the bride doesn't have balls, though."
"How about the groom? Does he need balls?"
"Yes," Tomoyo said earnestly, "the groom definitely needs balls. It's part of what makes him a groom; he has to have balls."
Yamazaki shrugged. "I'm trying to picture Kinomoto-san with balls, but it's just not working..."
"I can," Tomoyo said. "I mean, Sakura-chan has had balls before, haven't you?"
Sakura grinned uncomfortably, as she remembered her battle costumes. "Yes, I think those definitely had balls."
"Interesting." Yamazaki gave the suit one final stare. "Well, I suppose Li-kun will have his balls."
"Why is Chiharu making gagging noises?" Sakura wondered.
Yamazaki shrugged. "I have no idea."
*****
"Bride or-"
"SYAORAAAAAAAAAN!!!"
-WHOOOOOSH-
Naoko quickly recovered. Picking up her pen, she checked a name on the clipboard. "Groom. Definitely groom."
*****
Nakuru sighed. "So we're still left with that one problem."
"I believe so, yes."
"Where the heck is the groom? I mean, we can't have a wedding without the groom, right?"
Eriol shrugged. "Investigations are proceeding."
Nakuru slapped a hand over her eyes. "Why, Clow-sama, why."
"Ano..."
Nakuru turned, all smiles and sunshine. "Hai?"
"Does anyone know where Li-kun is?" Kaho asked. "It's just that the ceremony's about to start..."
"Investigations are proceeding," Eriol said calmly.
"We need a delaying tactic," Nakuru plotted.
"Akizuki-san?" Rika said, passing by on her way to somewhere else. "It's almost time."
Nakuru made a decision.
"Spike the punch," she said.
Kaho blinked. "Excuse me?"
"I said, spike the punch. Maybe that will stop the guests from being too restless."
"But why should I-"
Nakuru leaned in close. "Gnnng," she murmured.
Kaho turned bright red. "I'll get on it."
"Good."
*****
"Bride or..." Naoko blinked. "Mihara-kun?"
"Yo."
"Oh, Chiharu will be so happy you came! Are these your friends?"
"Yes, they are. So where do we go?"
"To your right, and sign here, please."
Meanwhile, the brown-haired woman flung an arm across her friend's shoulders. "Doesn't this make you feel good?"
"Na?"
*****
Yue held his forehead. Guardians of the Clow, as a rule, were not supposed to get migraines.
Theoretically, anyway.
He carefully made his way to the nearest men's room, making sure that nobody saw him.
Well, almost nobody.
Tall, blonde, and wearing what could either be a stylish gown or a Tomoyo-creation. After all, there is a fine line between genius and madness, even in fashion.
She stared at him.
He stared at her.
And then, a very very (very very) slight blush across both their cheeks, they entered their respective bathrooms.
Such as it is.
*****
Two girls sat facing each other.
The first one pointed. "Chii."
The second one inclined her head. "Chii?"
Nod nod. "Chii."
"Aah." Point. "Chii."
"Chii."
"Chiiiiiii."
Chiyo looked worriedly at them. "Are you sure they'll be fine?"
"For some reason," Koyomi said, "I think that they'll both be entertained for hours."
Kotoko nodded. "You may be right."
*****
"This place is defended very inadequately-" Sousuke said.
"You can't handle a persocon like-" Shinbo said.
"Has anyone seen-" Touya said.
All three stopped.
"You sound just like me!" they exclaimed in unison.
*****
Yukito stepped out of the washroom, turned, and bumped into a young girl.
"Aa! I'm sorry!" the girl apologized, bowing.
"No, it was my fault," Yukito said, smiling reassuringly. "Are you all right?"
Nod. "Yes, thank you." Pause, slight blush. "Ano... could you tell me where the kitchens are?"
"They're over there... would you like me to take you there?"
The girl beamed. "Hai! Thank you very much!" She bowed again. "My name is Ooshima Reiya."
"Tsukishiro Yukito desu. So, shall we go?"
*****
Eriol nodded. "Kokubunji."
"Hiiragizawa," Minoru acknowledged.
Silence.
"How are things?"
"Fine, fine. You?"
"Oh, can't complain."
Silence.
"Interesting wedding."
"Yes, it is, isn't it."
"It certainly is."
"Indeed."
Silence.
"So, how goes the subtle manipulation of lesser beings?"
"It proceeds well. What is it like, being the most influential person online?"
"So-so, so-so."
Loki backed away. "You guys scare me," he declared.
*****
"And predictably," Nakuru concluded, "we still can't find the groom." She turned to Yamazaki. "What the heck did you guys do at that stag party, anyway?"
"You do not want to know," Yamazaki said, completely seriously.
"I don't?"
"You don't. Trust me on this. Please." Pause. "Besides, I doubt any one of us really remembers what happened."
The doors to the kitchen swung open, and a cart was wheeled out.
"The cake's here," Yamazaki noted. "I suppose I should go back to looking for Li-kun."
"Please do," Nakuru said with much sugar and honey and assorted cavity-inducing sweetness. "Thank you, er..."
"Higashiyama," Heimdall said. "Higashiyama Kazumi."
"Higashiyama-san. Working part-time?"
"In a manner of speaking," Heimdall said, a study in restraint. He studiously ignored his bickering companions.
Nakuru stared at the cake, lost in thought. There was something strange about it, but she couldn't figure out what...
"Where could Li Syaoran be?" she muttered.
Not softly enough, apparently. The pink-haired young woman looked ecstatic. "The groom is missing?" She whipped out a pair of thick coke-bottle glasses and put them on. "Mysterious mystery!"
"Freyr," Heimdall said calmly, not turning around, "please escort Mayura-san back to the kitchen."
"But-"
"Now, Freyr."
"Be sure to try out the punch!" Nakuru called, as they left. She went back to her cake inspection.
Hm. Cake, check. Cream, check. Elaborate decorations that serve no purpose other than to confuse the simple-minded and look really tacky, check. Suppi-chan, check.
Wait a minute.
Nakuru grabbed Suppi off the top of the cake, where he had been molesting the miniature figures of the bride and groom. "What are you doing?"
"Sweeeeeet," Suppi hiccupped.
Nakuru looked around desperately, and saw salvation. "Here," she said, tossing Suppi to the new arrival. "Lock him in with Cerberus."
Kaho looked much put-upon. "But..."
Nakuru leaned in close.
"I'll get on it," Kaho said, already accelerating.
*****
Sakura paced.
"Sakura-chan, that's going to ruin the hem," Tomoyo pointed out.
Sakura stopped.
"Sorry, Tomoyo-chan," she said sheepishly.
Tomoyo smiled. "I understand your worry, Sakura-chan, but worrying will not make Li-kun appear."
Sakura blinked. "Say, maybe if I used-"
"No," Tomoyo said.
"But-"
"No," Tomoyo repeated. "Trust me on this."
"But the ceremony starts in an hour..."
Eriol pondered this. "There is an alternative," he said.
"Hoe?"
"Marriage by proxy," Eriol said. "It's an obscure little clause that doesn't get used often, but it's still valid."
"Really? What's it about?"
Eriol explained it at some length. There was some discussion.
"Wait, wait, let me see if I've got it right," Sakura said. She ticked off items on her fingers. "Syaoran's not here, but I can still get married anyway. Someone has to stand in for Syaoran. And even though they'll be with me and take the oath with me and everything, I'm really marrying Syaoran, and not this person. This person is just standing in for Syaoran." Sakura looked up. "Am I right so far?"
Eriol nodded encouragingly. "You're doing fine."
"So all I have to do is pick someone to be the proxy." Sakura thought for all of two milliseconds. "Tomoyo-chan, would you like-"
"I'd love to," Tomoyo said, her face radiant.
Chiharu pulled her husband's ear down to her mouth. "I don't want any lies or stories," she said evenly. "Just tell me: is what Hiiragizawa said true?"
Yamazaki told her.
"Okay, next question: is what Hiiragizawa said legal?"
Yamazaki told her.
"Thought so." She looked at Sakura and Tomoyo. "Then again, who's going to know?"
*****
Fujitaka adjusted his bow tie, and tapped the microphone.
One banquet hall of slightly inebriated guests stared up at him.
"Um," he said, because very few things concentrated the mind like being the center of attention and the bearer of bizarre news to boot, "ladies and gentlemen, there will still be a wedding despite the slight delay, that I assure you. However, there is just a very very small change to make in today's schedule, insignificant, really, but..."
*****
All in all, everyone agreed, it was a splendid wedding. Well, it must have been, because why wouldn't it be? Even though nobody remembered much of it, but that only meant that it was even better, right?
"That was fast," Sakura murmured, as Tomoyo took her place beside her kinda sorta wife, wearing a gown resplendent in sparklies. There wasn't much else one could say about it. Also, it had balls.
"I kept it just in case," Tomoyo said demurely.
Sakura blinked, but held her peace.
Touya cleared his throat. He flipped through the unfeasably thick book in front of him. "Marriage," he intoned, and three tables of guests instantly fell asleep. "Marriage is what brings us together today..."
A thought struck Sakura. "Rings! Who's got the rings?"
"Tsukishiro-san has them," Tomoyo replied promptly.
"Oh yeah, I forgot." Pause. "You're certainly prepared for this."
"Yes," Tomoyo said, "I am."
"... and love, true love..."
Yukito tapped Touya on the shoulder. "I think we can skip the formalities," he said. "I don't think anyone's listening anymore."
Touya looked at the slumbering audience. Then he looked at the book.
Then he shrugged, and tossed the book over his shoulder, where it neatly flattened a cake-hunting Kero-chan.
"Anyone have any objections?" he called out. "If you do, we can discuss it in a while, outside. Really. Wouldn't want to trash the furnishings any more than we have to, of course."
There were a great many hastily-shaking heads, as the audience slowly returned to the land of the living.
"Good," Touya said. "Do you," he turned to his sister, "Kinomoto Sakura, agree to take Li Syaoran... I mean, Daidouji Tomoyo... I mean, er... lawfully wedded... very nearly lawfully... um... wife... bride..."
"Yes," both Sakura and Tomoyo said in unison.
Silence.
"Rings," Yukito murmured.
"Rings," Touya parroted.
Tomoyo gracefully applied ring to finger, while Sakura almost fumbled hers.
"And vows," Yukito coached patiently.
Touya looked at his sister and her almost wife, looking into each other's eyes. "I think we can skip the vows," he said. "Now, by the power temporarily vested in me because this is my part-time job even though I'm not actually being paid for it, and I'm not even sure if this is legal, but who's going to care," breathe, "I pronounce you ma- er, woman and wife. For the time being. Until we find the groom."
Longer silence.
"You may kiss the... each other," Touya added.
Absolute lack of noise for about an eternity, and then the applause began.
"You know, they could have at least waited until I told them they could kiss," Touya griped.
"At least they're happy," Yukito said cheerfully.
"Hmph." Touya looked at the two women. "Aren't they going to come up for air?"
"Later perhaps. For now..."
"Yeah, yeah, I getcha."
Pause.
"So, Yuki, how about we get together later?"
"My room? There's syrup."
"You're on."
*****
"Sousuke? Sousuke! Wake up!"
Sousuke blinked. "What happened?"
"You passed out during the ceremony," Chidori said. "For some reason, though, you could still walk... sleepwalk, something like that..."
"A good soldier never lets a minor thing like lack of sleep prevent him from completing his mission satisfactorily," Sousuke muttered. "What's our position?"
"The actual wedding's over, now the bride... one of them, at least... is going to throw the bouquet-"
Sousuke focused on the object in the air.
His eyes narrowed.
He shouted, "Get down!" while lunging forward, pistol drawn and cocked, and he aimed...
-BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM-
A shower of soft petals rained on the two people in the middle of a wide ring of shocked bystanders.
"Ow, my head..." Chidori slowly got to her feet, Fan of Retribution at the ready. "Sousuke you idiot... just because the bouquet's heading right towards me doesn't mean it's a bomb... Sousuke?"
Sousuke was standing in the ring, pistol pointed towards...
... a young woman with her pistol pointing towards him.
The last petal drifted from the sky, and landed on the woman's head.
"You're out of bullets," Sousuke said.
"So are you," the woman noted.
They withdrew and holstered their guns at the same time, with equally fluid motions. "Who are you?" the woman asked.
"Sergeant Major Sousuke Sagara. Yourself?"
"Kirika Yuumura."
Chidori sidled over to a blonde woman wearing the same shellshocked expression on her face. "What's happening?" she enquired, a tad unsteadily.
"I have absolutely no idea," Mireille admitted.
*****
"You know, we're not really married," Sakura said.
"I know."
"We still have to look for Syaoran."
"I know."
"Then why... gnnng."
"Because," Tomoyo said, smiling, "I'm the one with the balls."
*****
Syaoran woke up, blinked twice, completely failed to remember that Very Important Thing, and went back to sleep.
I wrote this around three years ago. I'm not sure what I was thinking, or even if I were thinking coherently at all. It appears to have a great many random references and cameos from other anime series, which does give it a bit of nostalgia value.
Reproduced here without any editing. It's probably sad that I can't see any improvements in my writing from then and now.
Syaoran woke up, and wished he hadn't.
First things first. Take stock of one's location, both physically and mentally. Physically... he was handcuffed to an unfamiliar bed, there was a whiff of something he didn't really want to know pervading the room, he was massively, stupendously hung over, and he was wearing his boxers and one purple polka-dotted sock and nothing else.
He decided not to try for mentally.
He lifted his head as much as he dared, and then fell back until the freight trains on hyperdrive stopped hammering through his brain. Okay, definitely bad idea.
There was something important that was supposed to be happening... today? Yes, it was more or less morning, the very faint light that peeped through the window curtains just potent enough to boil his eyeballs.
Something important. Syaoran tried to clear the fog in his mind, and failed.
Ah well. If he couldn't remember it, it couldn't have been that serious anyway.
Syaoran closed his eyes, and immediately went back to sleep.
*****
All in all, Akizuki Nakuru was probably one of the better choices for an event organizer. She Got Things Done, mostly Quite Fast, and could Motivate People in all sorts of ways.
Now, if only she wasn't such a complete dictator about it.
"I said, where the hell are the streamers? Hello? Anyone actually listening to me, and has a brain? Geez, what a bunch of morons." Nakuru put away her megaphone, and scowled. "Good help these days is so hard to find."
"Maybe that's because we're not actually, you know, being paid to do this?" Touya commented.
Nakuru immediately whirled on him, and gave him a dazzling smile. "But Touya-kuuuun! Aren't you happy to be doing this for your sister?"
"If you put it like that..."
"Now go get ready, okay? We've got a long day ahead of us!" Nakuru beamed at him for a while longer, and then switched back into Psycho Planner Bitch Mode. "And where are the caterers?"
Rika raised a hand. "Ano... I think they're on the way."
"Finally, something going right around here. Cake! Where's the cake!"
"Akizuki-san sure is scary when she's mad," Chiharu commented to her partner.
"Speaking of scary..."
-BONK-
"Hai, hai. Now, dear, just run along and go find Naoko, okay? I think we need to check the guest list one more time."
"Hai..."
Chiharu Yamazaki watched her husband wander off, and frowned. "Come to think of it, has anyone seen Tomoyo?"
*****
Naoko, meanwhile, was having problems.
"Come on," she wheedled, "everyone's waiting for you. I'm sure Sakura will be very happy to see the dress you made for her, right?"
"I'll be out in a minute."
Well, that would make it seventy-four minutes and counting. Naoko stared in helplessness at the locked door, and tried another tack. "You are happy that Sakura is getting married, aren't you? To Li-kun?"
"... Yes."
She didn't sound very happy. "Now, don't you want to celebrate with them? As her best friend?"
Silence.
"Please?"
"... I'll be out in a minute."
Naoko was seriously considering taking a battering ram of some sort to the door, or (she remembered reading about this recently) obtaining a set of lockpicks, when Yamazaki arrived on the scene.
"Problems?" he asked, noticing Naoko's worried expression.
Naoko nodded. "She won't come out of the room," she said, indicating the door.
"... Is this because..."
"Yes."
"I see. Well, this reminds me of the time when-"
Naoko held up a hand. "Look, Yamazaki-kun, while I enjoy your stories, this is not the time. We have to get Tomoyo out of there now. She's got Sakura's and Li-kun's clothes."
"Now that could be interesting..."
"Yamazaki-kun!"
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding! How long have you tried convincing her to come out?"
"About an hour, maybe more." Naoko blinked. "You don't think..."
"We'll find a way," Yamazaki reassured her.
"It's just that..." Naoko stopped. "Where's Sakura? Maybe she can help."
"Kinomoto? She's... actually, I haven't seen her today. You?"
"No, I thought she was with you and Chiharu."
Yamazaki blinked.
*****
In the kitchen, disaster loomed.
"Food food food food GLORIOUS FOOD!!" Kero-chan cackled.
Just because something is less than a foot high doesn't mean it cannot loom.
"You do know that these are only snacks," Suppi noted. "The caterers have not arrived with the actual food yet."
"Yeah, but it's still FOOD!" Kero-chan inhaled a spoonful of pudding larger than his head. "Delicious!!"
Suppi muttered a rude word.
"Hm, did you say something?" Kero-chan asked, spoon halfway to his mouth.
"No, nothing," Suppi said nonchalantly. Before Kero-chan could ambush him with a spoonful of sugary confectionery, though, Suppi vaulted up high, and hovered.
"Aw, no fair!" Kero-chan complained. Then he shrugged. "More for me, then."
"Pig." Suppi looked around. The kitchen was still deserted, which would change once the caterers arrived.
His eyes were dragged over to the tall mass of... sugar... in the corner.
The cake.
Pondering the somewhat... unorthodox design of the cake, he didn't see Kero-chan rising up behind him like a beast from Hades, wielding the spoon in a pose that the baseball greats would have wept at.
Disaster loomed. It also does not need a recipe, although that would have been helpful.
*****
Yukito raised his hand to knock on Sakura's door, but hesitated. There was something... strange... about all this.
The eldritch glow emanating from beneath the door might have had something to do with that.
And then the door burst open, and Sakura barreled into Yukito's arms.
"WAAAAAAAH!!"
Yukito considered this, consulted his brain for options, came up blank, and decided to turn into Yue.
"I have never figured out why my other self loves to do this to me," Yue griped, as the Mistress of the Clow buried her face in his robes.
"I can't do this!" Sakura wailed, probably not even noticing that her Yukito-san had sprouted wings. "My hair's a mess..."
"It looks fine to me," Yue said.
"... and I don't have anything to wear..."
"Tomoyo's handling it," Yue said.
"... and I don't even know if Syaoran likes me..."
"He does," Yue said.
"... and then I kinda like Tomoyo-chan too..."
"..." Yue said. There didn't seem to be a good response to that.
"... and I don't know what to do and waaaaahh!!"
It dawned onto Yue that he was somehow expected to comfort and convince a woman he had kinda sorta known for over a decade to attend her own wedding. While in his current form.
Yukito's the one who can use the word "love" without looking all Day Of Judgement, he thought sourly.
*****
Sonomi Daidouji was worried.
For one thing, her daughter had locked herself into her room, and refused to come out. Sonomi would have put it down as pre-wedding jitters, except that it wasn't Tomoyo who was getting married, it was her... best friend... of sorts... Sonomi clamped down on that thought.
Also, she wasn't entirely sure that this Syaoran boy really was the best choice for Nadeshiko's daughter. Could any man be? Sure, he seemed devoted enough to her, and she seemed to like him enough, but still...
Finally, she had been watching Fujitaka Kinomoto talk to himself for the past half hour. This generally has a rather unsettling effect on bystanders.
"But dear, I don't think a talk on anthropology would be appropriate for this occasion... yes, I understand, but... mysticism? I haven't studied much in that area... yes..." Fujitaka blinked. "Well, that is a good idea. Thank you for your suggestions, dear, I appreciate it... yes, it's over... oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you couldn't..."
Yes, definitely unsettling.
"Kinomoto-sensei," she called, in an effort to snap him out of his hallucinations.
Fujitaka did not notice her.
"Kinomoto-sensei," Sonomi tried again, with rather more force this time.
Fujitaka turned, and smiled. "Yes, Sonomi-kun?"
Sonomi took an involuntary step back. There was something in the man's eyes that did not seem quite... normal. Still, apart from his dialogue with himself, he seemed sane enough. "Do you know who's officiating the ceremony?" she asked. There, a safe topic.
Fujitaka told her.
Sonomi blinked. "I'm sorry, I must have misheard that... can you please repeat it?"
Fujitaka did so.
"... can he actually do that?"
"Apparently, yes. It's his job." Seeing the expression on Sonomi's face, Fujitaka added, "It's surprising, I know, but the authorization is there."
"Well. That's a thing." Sonomi recovered her composure. "I'll go see how the bride and groom are, then."
Fujitaka smiled.
"She looked troubled," Nadeshiko said.
"I'm sure she'll be fine," Fujitaka replied.
*****
Naoko took off her glasses, and gave them a good wipe. The guest list was long, rambling, and possibly written by either a Russian rice-husker attempting to translate Portugese into ancient Egyptian, or by Syaoran. Both amounted to more or less the same thing, anyway.
She looked up as several figures approached. "Bride or groom?" she asked by reflex.
The figures milled uncertainly. The lead, who was a blur of pink and white, said, "Uh, neither?"
"We're the caterers," another figure said.
Naoko put on her glasses, and smiled. "Ah, yes! We've been expecting you. The kitchens are over at... the back..." Her smile faded slightly as she focused on the group, and then returned with full force. "So please do your best!"
There was a sort of toccata on the theme of affirmatives, and the motley crew filed in. She wondered why the last person (who looked vaguely familiar, like she had seen him in the news before) was wearing what looked like a Tomoyo-creation, cloak and ribbons and all, and then shrugged it off. Stranger things have happened, after all.
*****
Chiharu was very glad that Yamazaki was with her. Otherwise, the faint but noticeable undercurrent of angst in Tomoyo's cheerful assertions of "one minute more" would have driven her to contemplate the possibilities inherent in thirty-storey drops, or perhaps an economical length of rope and a handy stool.
Yamazaki rubbed his chin. "This calls for drastic measures," he declared.
Chiharu gave him a Look. "I don't think I like the sound of that."
Yamazaki knocked at the door. "Daidouji? Are you coming out?"
"... in a minute."
"I thought so." Yamazaki leaned close to the door. "You know, speaking of coming out..."
There was a dreadful contemplative pause, and then the door was flung open.
"I'm ready," Tomoyo said cheerfully.
Chiharu facefaulted.
"So, what do you want me to do?" Tomoyo continued brightly, seemingly unaware of the brittleness of her own smile.
"Well," Chiharu said, recovering, "we do need the costumes... I mean, er, clothes..."
"Oh, they're right here." Tomoyo produced two sets of... well, they could be categorized under "clothing", if one didn't look too closely at the details.
Yamazaki looked closely at the details. "Fascinating," he said.
"Er... right." Chiharu sought for a change of topic. "Should we head to Sakura's room, then? Or Syaoran's?"
"Syaoran's not in his room," Yamazaki supplied. "I checked."
"... oh. Then where is he?"
"One problem at a time. One problem at a time."
Tomoyo smiled.
*****
Naoko looked up. "Oh, you're early! Please sign here beside your name." She indicated the clipboard. "Bride or groom?"
"Yes," the man said. "We have to make it a point to be early, or the unit may be in danger of traps and mines that have not been disarmed; also, the scouts may not have been fully accurate in their report, or the enemy may have installed snipers around the-"
-THWAP-
"Sorry about that," the woman said with practiced ease. She tucked her fan away into... somewhere, Naoko wasn't sure where. "He gets carried away sometimes."
"That hurt a lot," the man stated.
"Shut up. Ahem. Groom. We're his university friends."
Naoko pointed. "Seating to the left, then."
*****
Nakuru took a ragged breath. "Okay. I can handle this. I know I can." She ticked off items on her fingers. "First, Syaoran is nowhere to be found."
"That's right."
"Next, the catering staff has informed us that all the pastries are gone. I'm guessing Cerberus or Suppi-chan."
"Cerberus. We haven't found Spinel yet."
"Cerberus. Right. Has anyone dealt with that glutton?"
"I believe Kaho found him and confined him to her room," Eriol said.
"Also, Sakura is having second thoughts about the wedding."
"I'm inclined to think that it's just the normal jitters."
"Ah. So do we need to worry about it?"
"I shouldn't think so, no."
"Okay. Fine. So why is there a pig in the kitchen?"
"I believe he's part of the staff. He seems to be very useful, at least."
"Remind me again why we chose that bunch of wackos to do the catering."
"The pink-haired one is Daidouji's distant cousin, and they were willing to work for cost."
"Oh yeah."
*****
"Bride or groom?"
"Chii?"
"Groom. From university."
"We're his friends."
"To your left, then. Please sign here."
"Thank you."
"Chii."
*****
Sakura sniffled. "Thanks, Yue-san."
Yue passed her another packet of tissues. "So are we decided?"
"Yeah. I suppose that since me and Syaoran already went this far, we may as well go all the way. Even if I still kinda sorta like Tomoyo-chan."
"..."
"Let's go, then!" Sakura said, then stopped. "Ano, Yue-san..."
"Yes?"
"Could you turn back into Yukito, please? He's the Best Man, after all..."
"..."
*****
"Bride or..." Naoko trailed off. "Um, I don't think pets are allowed in here..."
"She'll behave." The tall woman smiled beatifically.
"Still..."
"Please trust us?" There was a note of desperation in the pigtailed girl's voice. "We promise she won't be trouble!"
"Which is more than I can say for certain people," another woman in the group muttered, adjusting her glasses.
Naoko gave up. "Just... just be careful, please?"
"Thank you very much!"
"We're with the bride," an older woman said.
"Please sign here, and proceed to your right." Naoko watched the group go past. "Out of interest..."
"Hm?" The tall woman inclined her head.
"What sort of cat is that?"
"Iriomote wildcat."
"... oh."
*****
"Sakura-chan!"
"Tomoyo-chan!"
The two embraced.
Chiharu turned pink.
Yamazaki coughed.
The two disengaged, and there was some subtle rearranging of clothes. "Sorry," Sakura said.
"It's okay," Tomoyo said, beaming. She held out a dress. "I brought your wedding dress."
Sakura held it up. "Oh, it's lovely! Thank you so much!"
"And this is Li-kun's," Tomoyo said, holding out said item.
This was given due inspection.
"What are those?" Chiharu asked, pointing.
"Oh, those are little fluffy balls," Tomoyo said. "I thought they would give a certain style to the suit."
"Balls?" Sakura wondered.
"Balls," Tomoyo confirmed.
"Do I have balls?"
"No, I didn't include them in the dress. I can make alterations here if you want."
"What do you think, Yamazaki-kun?" Sakura asked. "Should I have balls?"
Yamazaki pondered this. "Well, I'm not sure. Does the bride need to have balls?"
"I'm not sure," Tomoyo said thoughtfully. "I haven't thought of the bride having balls, but I suppose it could work... normally the bride doesn't have balls, though."
"How about the groom? Does he need balls?"
"Yes," Tomoyo said earnestly, "the groom definitely needs balls. It's part of what makes him a groom; he has to have balls."
Yamazaki shrugged. "I'm trying to picture Kinomoto-san with balls, but it's just not working..."
"I can," Tomoyo said. "I mean, Sakura-chan has had balls before, haven't you?"
Sakura grinned uncomfortably, as she remembered her battle costumes. "Yes, I think those definitely had balls."
"Interesting." Yamazaki gave the suit one final stare. "Well, I suppose Li-kun will have his balls."
"Why is Chiharu making gagging noises?" Sakura wondered.
Yamazaki shrugged. "I have no idea."
*****
"Bride or-"
"SYAORAAAAAAAAAN!!!"
-WHOOOOOSH-
Naoko quickly recovered. Picking up her pen, she checked a name on the clipboard. "Groom. Definitely groom."
*****
Nakuru sighed. "So we're still left with that one problem."
"I believe so, yes."
"Where the heck is the groom? I mean, we can't have a wedding without the groom, right?"
Eriol shrugged. "Investigations are proceeding."
Nakuru slapped a hand over her eyes. "Why, Clow-sama, why."
"Ano..."
Nakuru turned, all smiles and sunshine. "Hai?"
"Does anyone know where Li-kun is?" Kaho asked. "It's just that the ceremony's about to start..."
"Investigations are proceeding," Eriol said calmly.
"We need a delaying tactic," Nakuru plotted.
"Akizuki-san?" Rika said, passing by on her way to somewhere else. "It's almost time."
Nakuru made a decision.
"Spike the punch," she said.
Kaho blinked. "Excuse me?"
"I said, spike the punch. Maybe that will stop the guests from being too restless."
"But why should I-"
Nakuru leaned in close. "Gnnng," she murmured.
Kaho turned bright red. "I'll get on it."
"Good."
*****
"Bride or..." Naoko blinked. "Mihara-kun?"
"Yo."
"Oh, Chiharu will be so happy you came! Are these your friends?"
"Yes, they are. So where do we go?"
"To your right, and sign here, please."
Meanwhile, the brown-haired woman flung an arm across her friend's shoulders. "Doesn't this make you feel good?"
"Na?"
*****
Yue held his forehead. Guardians of the Clow, as a rule, were not supposed to get migraines.
Theoretically, anyway.
He carefully made his way to the nearest men's room, making sure that nobody saw him.
Well, almost nobody.
Tall, blonde, and wearing what could either be a stylish gown or a Tomoyo-creation. After all, there is a fine line between genius and madness, even in fashion.
She stared at him.
He stared at her.
And then, a very very (very very) slight blush across both their cheeks, they entered their respective bathrooms.
Such as it is.
*****
Two girls sat facing each other.
The first one pointed. "Chii."
The second one inclined her head. "Chii?"
Nod nod. "Chii."
"Aah." Point. "Chii."
"Chii."
"Chiiiiiii."
Chiyo looked worriedly at them. "Are you sure they'll be fine?"
"For some reason," Koyomi said, "I think that they'll both be entertained for hours."
Kotoko nodded. "You may be right."
*****
"This place is defended very inadequately-" Sousuke said.
"You can't handle a persocon like-" Shinbo said.
"Has anyone seen-" Touya said.
All three stopped.
"You sound just like me!" they exclaimed in unison.
*****
Yukito stepped out of the washroom, turned, and bumped into a young girl.
"Aa! I'm sorry!" the girl apologized, bowing.
"No, it was my fault," Yukito said, smiling reassuringly. "Are you all right?"
Nod. "Yes, thank you." Pause, slight blush. "Ano... could you tell me where the kitchens are?"
"They're over there... would you like me to take you there?"
The girl beamed. "Hai! Thank you very much!" She bowed again. "My name is Ooshima Reiya."
"Tsukishiro Yukito desu. So, shall we go?"
*****
Eriol nodded. "Kokubunji."
"Hiiragizawa," Minoru acknowledged.
Silence.
"How are things?"
"Fine, fine. You?"
"Oh, can't complain."
Silence.
"Interesting wedding."
"Yes, it is, isn't it."
"It certainly is."
"Indeed."
Silence.
"So, how goes the subtle manipulation of lesser beings?"
"It proceeds well. What is it like, being the most influential person online?"
"So-so, so-so."
Loki backed away. "You guys scare me," he declared.
*****
"And predictably," Nakuru concluded, "we still can't find the groom." She turned to Yamazaki. "What the heck did you guys do at that stag party, anyway?"
"You do not want to know," Yamazaki said, completely seriously.
"I don't?"
"You don't. Trust me on this. Please." Pause. "Besides, I doubt any one of us really remembers what happened."
The doors to the kitchen swung open, and a cart was wheeled out.
"The cake's here," Yamazaki noted. "I suppose I should go back to looking for Li-kun."
"Please do," Nakuru said with much sugar and honey and assorted cavity-inducing sweetness. "Thank you, er..."
"Higashiyama," Heimdall said. "Higashiyama Kazumi."
"Higashiyama-san. Working part-time?"
"In a manner of speaking," Heimdall said, a study in restraint. He studiously ignored his bickering companions.
Nakuru stared at the cake, lost in thought. There was something strange about it, but she couldn't figure out what...
"Where could Li Syaoran be?" she muttered.
Not softly enough, apparently. The pink-haired young woman looked ecstatic. "The groom is missing?" She whipped out a pair of thick coke-bottle glasses and put them on. "Mysterious mystery!"
"Freyr," Heimdall said calmly, not turning around, "please escort Mayura-san back to the kitchen."
"But-"
"Now, Freyr."
"Be sure to try out the punch!" Nakuru called, as they left. She went back to her cake inspection.
Hm. Cake, check. Cream, check. Elaborate decorations that serve no purpose other than to confuse the simple-minded and look really tacky, check. Suppi-chan, check.
Wait a minute.
Nakuru grabbed Suppi off the top of the cake, where he had been molesting the miniature figures of the bride and groom. "What are you doing?"
"Sweeeeeet," Suppi hiccupped.
Nakuru looked around desperately, and saw salvation. "Here," she said, tossing Suppi to the new arrival. "Lock him in with Cerberus."
Kaho looked much put-upon. "But..."
Nakuru leaned in close.
"I'll get on it," Kaho said, already accelerating.
*****
Sakura paced.
"Sakura-chan, that's going to ruin the hem," Tomoyo pointed out.
Sakura stopped.
"Sorry, Tomoyo-chan," she said sheepishly.
Tomoyo smiled. "I understand your worry, Sakura-chan, but worrying will not make Li-kun appear."
Sakura blinked. "Say, maybe if I used-"
"No," Tomoyo said.
"But-"
"No," Tomoyo repeated. "Trust me on this."
"But the ceremony starts in an hour..."
Eriol pondered this. "There is an alternative," he said.
"Hoe?"
"Marriage by proxy," Eriol said. "It's an obscure little clause that doesn't get used often, but it's still valid."
"Really? What's it about?"
Eriol explained it at some length. There was some discussion.
"Wait, wait, let me see if I've got it right," Sakura said. She ticked off items on her fingers. "Syaoran's not here, but I can still get married anyway. Someone has to stand in for Syaoran. And even though they'll be with me and take the oath with me and everything, I'm really marrying Syaoran, and not this person. This person is just standing in for Syaoran." Sakura looked up. "Am I right so far?"
Eriol nodded encouragingly. "You're doing fine."
"So all I have to do is pick someone to be the proxy." Sakura thought for all of two milliseconds. "Tomoyo-chan, would you like-"
"I'd love to," Tomoyo said, her face radiant.
Chiharu pulled her husband's ear down to her mouth. "I don't want any lies or stories," she said evenly. "Just tell me: is what Hiiragizawa said true?"
Yamazaki told her.
"Okay, next question: is what Hiiragizawa said legal?"
Yamazaki told her.
"Thought so." She looked at Sakura and Tomoyo. "Then again, who's going to know?"
*****
Fujitaka adjusted his bow tie, and tapped the microphone.
One banquet hall of slightly inebriated guests stared up at him.
"Um," he said, because very few things concentrated the mind like being the center of attention and the bearer of bizarre news to boot, "ladies and gentlemen, there will still be a wedding despite the slight delay, that I assure you. However, there is just a very very small change to make in today's schedule, insignificant, really, but..."
*****
All in all, everyone agreed, it was a splendid wedding. Well, it must have been, because why wouldn't it be? Even though nobody remembered much of it, but that only meant that it was even better, right?
"That was fast," Sakura murmured, as Tomoyo took her place beside her kinda sorta wife, wearing a gown resplendent in sparklies. There wasn't much else one could say about it. Also, it had balls.
"I kept it just in case," Tomoyo said demurely.
Sakura blinked, but held her peace.
Touya cleared his throat. He flipped through the unfeasably thick book in front of him. "Marriage," he intoned, and three tables of guests instantly fell asleep. "Marriage is what brings us together today..."
A thought struck Sakura. "Rings! Who's got the rings?"
"Tsukishiro-san has them," Tomoyo replied promptly.
"Oh yeah, I forgot." Pause. "You're certainly prepared for this."
"Yes," Tomoyo said, "I am."
"... and love, true love..."
Yukito tapped Touya on the shoulder. "I think we can skip the formalities," he said. "I don't think anyone's listening anymore."
Touya looked at the slumbering audience. Then he looked at the book.
Then he shrugged, and tossed the book over his shoulder, where it neatly flattened a cake-hunting Kero-chan.
"Anyone have any objections?" he called out. "If you do, we can discuss it in a while, outside. Really. Wouldn't want to trash the furnishings any more than we have to, of course."
There were a great many hastily-shaking heads, as the audience slowly returned to the land of the living.
"Good," Touya said. "Do you," he turned to his sister, "Kinomoto Sakura, agree to take Li Syaoran... I mean, Daidouji Tomoyo... I mean, er... lawfully wedded... very nearly lawfully... um... wife... bride..."
"Yes," both Sakura and Tomoyo said in unison.
Silence.
"Rings," Yukito murmured.
"Rings," Touya parroted.
Tomoyo gracefully applied ring to finger, while Sakura almost fumbled hers.
"And vows," Yukito coached patiently.
Touya looked at his sister and her almost wife, looking into each other's eyes. "I think we can skip the vows," he said. "Now, by the power temporarily vested in me because this is my part-time job even though I'm not actually being paid for it, and I'm not even sure if this is legal, but who's going to care," breathe, "I pronounce you ma- er, woman and wife. For the time being. Until we find the groom."
Longer silence.
"You may kiss the... each other," Touya added.
Absolute lack of noise for about an eternity, and then the applause began.
"You know, they could have at least waited until I told them they could kiss," Touya griped.
"At least they're happy," Yukito said cheerfully.
"Hmph." Touya looked at the two women. "Aren't they going to come up for air?"
"Later perhaps. For now..."
"Yeah, yeah, I getcha."
Pause.
"So, Yuki, how about we get together later?"
"My room? There's syrup."
"You're on."
*****
"Sousuke? Sousuke! Wake up!"
Sousuke blinked. "What happened?"
"You passed out during the ceremony," Chidori said. "For some reason, though, you could still walk... sleepwalk, something like that..."
"A good soldier never lets a minor thing like lack of sleep prevent him from completing his mission satisfactorily," Sousuke muttered. "What's our position?"
"The actual wedding's over, now the bride... one of them, at least... is going to throw the bouquet-"
Sousuke focused on the object in the air.
His eyes narrowed.
He shouted, "Get down!" while lunging forward, pistol drawn and cocked, and he aimed...
-BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM-
A shower of soft petals rained on the two people in the middle of a wide ring of shocked bystanders.
"Ow, my head..." Chidori slowly got to her feet, Fan of Retribution at the ready. "Sousuke you idiot... just because the bouquet's heading right towards me doesn't mean it's a bomb... Sousuke?"
Sousuke was standing in the ring, pistol pointed towards...
... a young woman with her pistol pointing towards him.
The last petal drifted from the sky, and landed on the woman's head.
"You're out of bullets," Sousuke said.
"So are you," the woman noted.
They withdrew and holstered their guns at the same time, with equally fluid motions. "Who are you?" the woman asked.
"Sergeant Major Sousuke Sagara. Yourself?"
"Kirika Yuumura."
Chidori sidled over to a blonde woman wearing the same shellshocked expression on her face. "What's happening?" she enquired, a tad unsteadily.
"I have absolutely no idea," Mireille admitted.
*****
"You know, we're not really married," Sakura said.
"I know."
"We still have to look for Syaoran."
"I know."
"Then why... gnnng."
"Because," Tomoyo said, smiling, "I'm the one with the balls."
*****
Syaoran woke up, blinked twice, completely failed to remember that Very Important Thing, and went back to sleep.