i'm a princess, goddammit!
argh. i'm tired again today. i don't see why since i got more than enough sleep last night. maybe because it's fucking cold in here. fucking meat locker.
*sigh* and i'm grumpy and restless again. i want to go do something. maybe go play pool. watch ozzy. play guitar. i feel like it's been ages since i've just veg'ed and done that.
yeah, so your obvious answer is that i've been spending a lot of time with this guy. and it's been great. we had one moment so far, both of us paused to see what would happen next. he made a comment related to my smoking, lol. yeah. i think it's smoothed over, for now at least. funny, i don't think i'm as concerned about minor transgressions as he is.
*back from lunch*
i finally put my finger on it. i don't want to rely on him. (for now, you can add 'ever' on to that.) i wondered why i wanted to scream earlier, why i had this mad desire to just run, call it all off. i don't want to trust him, i don't want to rely on him, i'm so scared that i'll invest 3+ year and end up betrayed. that fear that i've tried to be so conscious of became smashingly real today. mostly because i haven't met anyone like him in so long, someone that you actually feel that you could trust.
*sigh* i want to slight all of it. tell him that i just can't, i need to take a step back, veg in a shallow, un-intimate facade of a relationship consisting of occasional bars and one-night stands. it's safe, the lack of commitment. it's what i've hidden in for the past year.
ugh. where was i?
sometimes i don't know what the point of it all is. i really don't. it seems so silly, everything, life. argh.
i left off earlier with wanting to slight it all. i meant to finish that thought with how that's the easy road. not trying, not pushing your fear factor is the easy way out of life. that's what suicide is ultimately. not being able to take the pain, generally being a pussy. *weak smile* haha.
he's worth it. he's worth overcoming fear, i know it. i know it like you know that you're alive. (well, alright, so maybe this is all a matrix-esque dream.) if i believed in auras, his would be bright blue, like a fucking homing beacon. i can't avoid or deny his goodness. and i'd be worse than a fool, a raging, blathering idiot to pass that up.
*sigh* i so snarf at the challenges in life, but they make life worth living. what fun is it to solve problems you already know the answer to?
you know you're still a kid when: you push all the buttons in the elevator.
(and you know you're still a dumbass kid when you're headed for the 6th floor and hit 1 through 9.)
*sigh* and i'm grumpy and restless again. i want to go do something. maybe go play pool. watch ozzy. play guitar. i feel like it's been ages since i've just veg'ed and done that.
yeah, so your obvious answer is that i've been spending a lot of time with this guy. and it's been great. we had one moment so far, both of us paused to see what would happen next. he made a comment related to my smoking, lol. yeah. i think it's smoothed over, for now at least. funny, i don't think i'm as concerned about minor transgressions as he is.
*back from lunch*
i finally put my finger on it. i don't want to rely on him. (for now, you can add 'ever' on to that.) i wondered why i wanted to scream earlier, why i had this mad desire to just run, call it all off. i don't want to trust him, i don't want to rely on him, i'm so scared that i'll invest 3+ year and end up betrayed. that fear that i've tried to be so conscious of became smashingly real today. mostly because i haven't met anyone like him in so long, someone that you actually feel that you could trust.
*sigh* i want to slight all of it. tell him that i just can't, i need to take a step back, veg in a shallow, un-intimate facade of a relationship consisting of occasional bars and one-night stands. it's safe, the lack of commitment. it's what i've hidden in for the past year.
ugh. where was i?
sometimes i don't know what the point of it all is. i really don't. it seems so silly, everything, life. argh.
i left off earlier with wanting to slight it all. i meant to finish that thought with how that's the easy road. not trying, not pushing your fear factor is the easy way out of life. that's what suicide is ultimately. not being able to take the pain, generally being a pussy. *weak smile* haha.
he's worth it. he's worth overcoming fear, i know it. i know it like you know that you're alive. (well, alright, so maybe this is all a matrix-esque dream.) if i believed in auras, his would be bright blue, like a fucking homing beacon. i can't avoid or deny his goodness. and i'd be worse than a fool, a raging, blathering idiot to pass that up.
*sigh* i so snarf at the challenges in life, but they make life worth living. what fun is it to solve problems you already know the answer to?
you know you're still a kid when: you push all the buttons in the elevator.
(and you know you're still a dumbass kid when you're headed for the 6th floor and hit 1 through 9.)