I keep starting journal entries here

[dkaine]

and as I start writing, I begin to censor myself, uncomfortable with who may be reading this... and I say this knowing full well who I have added to my friend-list... I start thinking about what I'm writing, and get self-conscious about absolutely nothing. I start sorting through my friends and family, wondering who should be allowed to see what I

Comments

[lordameth]

I often have the same difficulty, self-censoring, and feeling that I can't express myself for fear of who's reading and how they might choose to react, aggravating the situation rather than helping.

Sometimes I just go ahead and write anyway, and I don't know if that's the best course, but, sometimes you just really want to get something down, and feel that you're getting it out there, not just down in your personal notebook, but out there to people, even if you don't actually expect or desire anyone in particular to read it or to respond.

...

I'm glad and excited for you that you're starting this new life, doing a job that you enjoy. I think that to a large extent the illusion that others are enjoying their lives more is just that, an illusion. This is something I've struggled with myself, often thinking about that unattainable, romanticized New York lifestyle that it seems everyone else is having. But, really, maybe you're just seeing people on their good days. We can't know how unpleasant their day jobs are, or how lonely their home situations.

All I'm saying is, treasure what you have, and keep aspiring for better, keep hoping to find a more engaging or pleasant day-to-day life, but don't let it get you down if you can't seem to grasp some romantic fantasy of the perfect life that other people seem to be living.

[dkaine]

The funny thing is that it's not so much that others are definitely enjoying life more, I find that others seem to be progressing so much more... I've stagnated and even now when I have a good job, and am building a new foundation, everyone else seems to be way ahead of me in the whole progress lane. I realize that everyone has a different time line, and all that cliched nonsense people say... it's truly frustrating that after busting my ass for as long as I have, the past 6 years have literally been stagnant years watching everyone else kind of move on... I feel left behind, I don't know if there's any other way to put it.

[lordameth]

Well, I'm not sure there's anything I can say that you haven't heard before, or wouldn't be expecting to hear, but I mean it sincerely. I think it's a common thing to feel that way. I often feel the same way. I have friends our age who are finishing phds, friends who already finished and are full-fledged professors; friends who live high-powered lives with high-salary jobs, flying all over the world all the time for business; friends who are buying houses.

And I feel left behind. I've done two curatorial internships, am about to start a third, and do not feel at all ready to be a capable, competent museum professional on my own, let alone curator. I have at least a year and a half left in my MA, and then still a whole phd before I can really start pursuing a career.

People tell me that there will always be people ahead of me, just as there will always be people behind me, and it doesn't really make me feel better. But, that's all there is to it, really. We're all on different paths, and we all need to take different paths to get there. And while we struggle to find our way onto the fast track, or to a goal, life happens in the meantime.

I'm sure none of this can really make it better on it's own. It's frustrating, and that's not going to change. But, if it does make you feel better, at least you're not alone in feeling that way. You're not behind the curve in dealing with this - we all struggle with it.