Merlin fic: The Merlin Dilemma
Title: The Merlin Dilemma
Author: dk323
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Merlin/Arthur, Merlin/Morgana, Arthur/Gwen, Lancelot/Gwen, Merlin/Gwen, Gwen/Morgana (friendship), mention of Arthur/Morgana (multi-pairing fest basically…)
Spoilers:
Takes place about a week after the events of 2x04
Disclaimer: The show Merlin is property of the BBC. No money being made.
Summary:
Arthur likes Gwen. Or at least he thinks he does. But then events occur that make him realize something about Merlin.
Meanwhile, Lancelot is back and Merlin gets some unexpected attention.
Author's Notes: It was a bit of a challenge, to say the least, working a whole host of pairings into the story. I'm happy with the end result though. Hope you enjoy this. Consider it a tag!fic to 2x04.
~ * ~
Merlin bent down to help Gwen with the linens she had dropped.
She leaned in toward him and said apologetically, “Sorry, I saw you coming and intentionally dropped them. I have to tell you something.”
Merlin looked at her in confusion. “You didn’t have to drop something just to talk to me.”
Gwen was about to reply when she appeared startled suddenly. “Oh no!” She cried softly.
“Gwen?” Merlin questioned.
He saw that she was looking at something ahead of him, over his shoulder. Merlin turned to find Arthur behind him a few feet away. He was approaching them.
After freeing her hands of the linens, Gwen grabbed Merlin by his shirt and she planted a searing kiss on his lips.
“Gwen, what are you doing?” Merlin demanded once she let him breathe.
Arthur was going to kill him. Why the hell was Gwen kissing him when she fancied Arthur?
Merlin was beginning to dread what Arthur would do to him. Arthur would definitely take this the wrong way and take it out on Merlin.
“Is Arthur still there?”
Merlin turned to see, Gwen’s hands still twisting his tunic, and yes, Arthur was still there. He had stopped walking and was, instead, staring in cold shock at the scene before him.
He faced her once again. She looked anxious, flighty. “Yeah, he is,” Merlin told her. “Gwen, what is this about?”
She shook her head quickly and then, just when Merlin thought it couldn’t get any worse, Gwen shoved her hand down the front of his pants.
And, god, she was feeling him up. Her hand wrapped around his cock --
He couldn’t help it - he groaned. Before Merlin could think or do anything else, Gwen pulled out her hand and pulled him into a nearby alcove.
“Arthur’s gone,” Gwen announced. She sounded breathless.
Merlin raised his eyebrow at her. “What are you doing this for? Are you trying to make Arthur jealous?”
Gwen said in a rush, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pull you into this, but I’m glad you came by. I know you’ll understand.”
“Gwen, what is going on??”
A dawning look of realization came over Gwen’s face just then. “Wait - you said “are you trying to make Arthur jealous?” You know about us?”
Merlin stared at her, realizing what he had just admitted to. Great, reason number two for Arthur to kill him.
“No! Uh, I just was saying things… I don’t know anything.”
Gwen just shook her head. She clearly didn’t believe him. “You’re right, there was something going on between Arthur and me…”
“ ‘Was’? Does Arthur know?”
She looked uneasy. “If he didn’t know before, he knows now,” Gwen put in. Merlin gave her a, “And whose fault is that?” look. She gave him a small, apologetic smile, though it seemed more obligatory than honest. “But, you see, I thought you might like to know: Lancelot’s back. He’s staying with me. Isn’t that great news?”
She grinned at him.
“Yes, that’s good to hear. But, Arthur…I don’t think he’ll like it. And you should really tell him that it’s over between you two.”
“Merlin, we barely had a relationship to start with! I don’t think I could wait for him. At least with Lancelot, I have a chance at a future with him!”
Merlin couldn’t help but agree with her.
Gwen looked at him significantly. She then spoke with trepidation, as if uncertain about her words. “I thought you’d be happy about this considering…”
“Considering what?”
“Morgana and I see how you look at Arthur--”
Merlin cut her off from saying anymore. He had hoped he hadn’t been so obvious, but maybe he had been. And anyway, he had made sure not to lose himself in the hope that Arthur would return those same feelings…
“I have to go,” Merlin said quickly.
He left before she could say anything else.
~ * ~
Arthur couldn’t believe what he had seen. He should have been angry, outraged at Merlin for doing that with Guinevere - especially after the business with Lancelot. Merlin had seen with his own two eyes how Arthur felt about another man taking Gwen away from him.
How could Merlin then go back and do the same thing that Lancelot did?
How dare he?
But, that wasn’t what he was feeling. Arthur didn’t know what to think anymore.
Because for a moment, startling in its intensity, Arthur had watched as he felt that yes, this was the moment when Merlin would be taken away from him.
Merlin, of all people, the useless, clumsy, ridiculous manservant, friend who…
…was always so cheerful with his guileless grin and those ridiculous ears, always there for him - reminding him, “you’ve still got me” - Merlin’s words from days ago echoing in his head.
No matter the consequences, Merlin was always willing to save his life. Did he even realize how Arthur would be affected by his loss? How he would feel at even the thought of losing Merlin, at seeing his bright, blue eyes fade to grey and breathing his last breath?
He couldn’t imagine living without Merlin. And Arthur certainly couldn’t bear the thought of Merlin favoring someone else… seeing another person who would be on the receiving end of Merlin’s affections, his devotion. He didn’t want to even consider the possibility of a day when that would come true, when Merlin would find another.
He hadn’t felt this strongly even when he had seen the telling looks between Lancelot and Guinevere a week ago when he had gone to rescue her.
There was no denying it, Arthur decided. He hadn’t been jealous of Merlin kissing Guinevere, but…
He had been jealous of Guinevere.
And what she had taken from Arthur…
Merlin.
He cared for him... he knew, maybe even harbored an affectionate love for him, but the depth of it…Arthur had never begun to explore it.
He had been too afraid of what he might find…
But Arthur couldn’t deny the truth any longer.
He cared for Guinevere, of course he did. He had felt something stir inside of him when they shared stolen moments; neither willing to pursue what they had for fear of being found out.
But what he felt for Merlin was stronger, deeper, something that both scared him and excited him.
Arthur just didn’t know what to do about it.
What if Merlin had feelings for Gwen?
Then, he recalled the flowers Merlin had taken to Morgana - the ‘token of his affections.’
Arthur still didn’t quite believe Merlin’s denial of his feelings for Morgana.
There was no worse time to realize what he felt for Merlin.
In light of that, Arthur’s mood turned decidedly gloomy for the rest of the day.
~ * ~
“Gwen?” Morgana asked.
“What?” Gwen said, sounding clearly distracted.
“What’s wrong? You look unhappy.”
Gwen sighed and she sat down on the bed. “Lancelot told me that he plans to go the day after tomorrow. Of course, it was foolish of me to think he would stay here indefinitely, but he only wanted to visit.”
“He has apologized to you though for leaving so suddenly before. That’s a start. It shows he has realized his error in his hasty retreat.” Morgana tried to console her.
She sat down beside her friend, placing her arm around her shoulders.
“I’m here for you, Gwen,” Morgana said sincerely.
Gwen looked at her, gracing her with a grateful smile.
“Thank you, my lady. I’m sorry for being such an emotional bother about this. It’s just…”
Morgana shook her head. She smiled at her. “It’s no trouble at all. You know you can confide in me, Gwen. I felt the same way for Arthur when I was younger. Clearly, I had poor taste. First time I beat him at sword-fighting, he refused to speak to me for an entire week. He wasn’t man enough to admit he was bested by a girl. After that, I realized the error of my ways.”
Gwen laughed and she asked, “What about now - do you have your eye on someone?”
“No,” Morgana said curtly. “You know very well that I hold no interest whatsoever in all those noblemen who think they can ‘woo’ me. I despise the whole matter of courtship. Especially knowing that whoever I marry - it won’t be for love, it will be for money, for the benefit of the kingdom, but not for me. You’re lucky that way, Gwen. You don’t have to deal with that nonsense.”
“Yes, I suppose you’re right. And yet, here I am, stuck between two men. I haven’t told Arthur yet about my change of heart,” Gwen sighed.
“Have you seen him lately? Arthur has been rather taciturn and aloof ever since you shoved your hand down Merlin’s pants.”
Morgana smiled at her. She had a mischievous twinkle in her eyes as she gave Gwen a congratulatory pat on the shoulder.
Gwen covered her face in embarrassment over what she had done. She had never once thought herself capable of being that forward with a man.
Morgana continued on, “And judging by the lingering looks Arthur has been bestowing upon Merlin… and how you said that Arthur has been giving you a bit of a cold shoulder…”
Gwen sat up straighter, her interest peaked. “Do you really think that Arthur feels the same for Merlin as --?” She questioned. She trailed off; knowing Morgana understood what she was asking.
“I’m never wrong. I know Arthur like an open book. Something is there. I know it - and I have a plan actually…”
Gwen looked intrigued. “A plan for what?”
“Our dear Merlin needs some attention.”
“What do you--” Gwen started, but then at seeing Morgana’s gesture, she nodded, understanding. “Is there an actual purpose to going ahead with this plan?”
Morgana smirked. “Well, Merlin will be happy. And Arthur--” She made a frown, imitating Arthur. Gwen stuck her fist in her mouth to stop herself from laughing out loud.
“-oh my god, that’s why? Is this really the best way to do this?” Gwen suddenly looked uncertain.
Morgana stood up and placed her hand on Gwen’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, Gwen. You don’t have to do a thing. Your performance yesterday, unintentional or not, was good enough. I’ll continue from there. You can help me with maneuvering - you’re all right with that, I hope?”
Gwen nodded. “Yes, of course, my lady. Anything you need. And that will work best considering…well, what Merlin told me.”
Morgana looked curiously at her. “What did he say?”
Gwen shrugged. “Oh, you know, he likes to complain about Arthur. He told me how ridiculous Arthur was about the flowers he gave to you and then, well, Arthur caught him after one of his late-night visits to your chambers…”
Morgana’s eyes widened. She looked a little too gleeful for Gwen’s liking.
“Those two are making it so easy. Poor Merlin doesn’t even know.”
Gwen nodded absently. “Yes, he clearly only sees Arthur. Anyone else just doesn’t compare…”
“Oh, I really don’t think that’s true,” Morgana put in.
Gwen looked at her in surprise. “What do you mean?”
Morgana waved her hand dismissively. “It’s not important. We best get our plan underway, don’t you think?”
Gwen nodded.
And so they did just that.
~ * ~
The next day:
“Merlin, I need to talk to you.”
Merlin stopped walking, finding Morgana in front of him and blocking his way.
“What is it, my lady?”
She smiled at him. “Oh, you don’t realize how much trouble you’re in.”
And Morgana pulled him into a small alcove nearby.
Merlin just stared at her.
“I know about your special talents… I’m hurt you didn’t trust me enough to confide in me after I did to you. Really, Merlin, that wasn’t fair.”
Merlin looked down, appearing undeniably uncomfortable. “I was meaning to tell you… it’s just I kept forgetting?”
She gave him an incredulous look. “You could use some work on your excuses. No matter - you can make it up to me.”
“And how do you propose I do that?” Merlin questioned.
Morgana looked down. “The fun way…”
Merlin followed her gaze and then he looked at her, the suspicion visible in his eyes. “First Gwen, now you. What is the point of this? If you think I’m easily played, then…”
“Oh, honestly, Merlin. Anyone with eyes knows you’re pining after Arthur.”
“Lucky that most of Camelot is blind then,” Merlin retorted, folding his arms across his chest.
They heard approaching footsteps and using Merlin’s distraction to her advantage, she pressed him up against the wall.
“Isn’t this supposed to be the other way around?” Merlin muttered under his breath inconsequentially.
Morgana only smirked at him. “Trying to be funny, are you?”
Merlin shrugged. “Arthur seems to enjoy it,” He put in, all nonchalant.
She didn’t answer him, instead choosing to lay a kiss on his lips.
Soon, Merlin found out that Morgana had clearly been practicing her magic because god…
And he discovered that he kind of liked it…well, if the reaction his magic was having toward her ministrations was any indication.
~ * ~
Even Gwen couldn’t suppress her gasp when she, with Arthur by her side, found the state that Merlin and Morgana were in.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing, Morgana?” He demanded.
Morgana didn’t look all that concerned by Arthur’s anger. Merlin, on the other hand, had his head turned away from Arthur, refusing to look him in the face.
It was ridiculous to act as if he had been caught cheating, he thought, as he pulled up his pants with trembling fingers --because there was nothing going on between him and Arthur anyway.
Except the turmoil of emotions in his own head reminding him that yes, he cared far too much for that prat to be healthy, he was sure.
So maybe that’s exactly why Merlin did truly feel like he had done something wrong.
Well, besides the obvious - being caught with the King’s Ward and possibly facing execution if the king found out.
But Merlin didn’t find himself to be too worried about that. He wondered what that said about him.
Everything always seemed to come back to Arthur for him… everything else just didn’t seem as important…
Then Merlin tuned back into the shouting match, Gwen barely managing a word in, between Arthur and Morgana.
“He’s my manservant! You can’t just take him at your pleasure!”
“Oh, so he’s not your friend anymore, is he? Well, I apologize, Arthur, for only being nice! You’ve been absolutely horrible to Merlin the last few weeks! I don’t know what has gotten you so intolerable recently, but I, for one, am glad that Gwen is done with you!”
Gwen looked startled. “My lady…” She cut in softly.
“What is all this about?” Arthur demanded. He looked genuinely puzzled.
He turned to Gwen, a questioning look in his eyes.
She sighed and bit her lip before speaking, “Lancelot has come back for a visit. He has been staying with me. You understand, Arthur, you said it yourself - any chance of you and I pursuing a relationship now is not possible. And, I don’t think I can wait for you. Lancelot-I’m being practical here, you understand. Lancelot and I - I feel strongly for him.”
Arthur wasn’t sure how to respond. He just settled on looking to Merlin who half-hid behind Morgana.
“Thank you, Merlin, for introducing us to Lancelot,” Arthur told him, the sarcasm cutting through in his words.
“He saved my life,” Merlin pointed out smartly.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Merlin. I have saved your life more times than he has.”
Gwen and Morgana just looked at one another, not sure what to think of that exchange.
Then Arthur turned back to Gwen. “I understand, Guinevere. It wouldn’t be right of me to stop you from being with Lancelot if that is what your heart desires.”
Gwen nodded. She looked relieved as if an unpleasant burden had been lifted off of her.
Morgana, feeling fearless and just a bit too bold, said, “If you think you can just waltz in and take my maidservant and lead her on like that right under my nose, you are a greater fool than I imagined of you, Arthur Pendragon.” Morgana gave him a stern look.
Arthur turned his head to properly glare at Morgana. He rolled his eyes. “Well, I’m sorry if you were so distracted with my manservant to notice!”
“What is this then, Arthur? Do you just not like others playing with your things? You’re not a child anymore! Merlin isn’t some toy of yours to play with and throw away once it’s broken!” Morgana shot back at him.
Arthur looked stunned - like the breath had been knocked right out of him.
Right about then, Merlin really wanted to sneak away or make himself invisible, but Morgana was keeping a tight hold on his arm.
“You don’t have any idea, Morgana! Don’t talk about things that you don’t understand!” Arthur yelled back at her.
“Just let it go,” Merlin interrupted tiredly. He just wanted this argument to end.
Arthur turned his attention back to Merlin. Then he shifted his gaze down to see Morgana’s hand still on Merlin’s arm.
The frustration shone through in his eyes - turning them a stormy blue color. Without a word, he wrenched her hand away from Merlin.
She let him. But then she held her head high, challenging Arthur. “You think I don’t understand, but I know how you are, Arthur. You can’t hide from me. And if you insist on continuing to treat Merlin like he’s nothing better than a possession of yours, then I will continue to do as I please with him! At least I’m brave enough to call him my friend while you’re too much of a coward to do the same!”
“This is going too far!” Gwen said urgently in warning. Merlin didn’t have much time to ponder what Gwen meant by that, before he saw Arthur advancing with intent on Morgana.
Arthur said furiously, “That’s it, Morgana! I’ve heard enough out of you!”
“Stop it!” Merlin tried to intervene.
He moved in front of Morgana - despite her sharp words causing this reaction in Arthur, Merlin didn’t want anything to happen that Arthur would surely regret afterwards.
Merlin could just see Arthur’s fist coming toward his face before it hit him and he stumbled back in shock.
Morgana grasped his arms so he could regain his footing, his balance.
Merlin couldn’t believe that Arthur had just hit him in the face. He touched his face to check for injury and could feel some swelling around his left eye. It was a black eye.
“Gwen, take Merlin to see Gaius,” Morgana instructed Gwen.
Merlin saw Arthur staring at him as if he couldn’t believe what he had just done.
But then Gwen tugged on his arm. “Gaius needs to see to that,” she whispered lightly to him. He nodded, not sure of what else to do. Merlin allowed her to direct him away from Morgana and Arthur who were in the midst of a glaring match.
He fell into a silent stupor as he walked alongside Gwen. His mind was full of things he wanted to say to Arthur, but then he tossed each of them away…casting them aside because in truth, Merlin didn’t know what to say to Arthur anymore.
He didn’t know what was going on with the prince - certainly, the punch, the resulting black eye had to have been an accident. Arthur wasn’t thinking clearly - he had been under a blind fit of anger. Surely, it wasn’t Arthur’s intention. And Merlin didn’t blame him for it.
But still, that left Merlin with his own feelings toward Arthur. Merlin had long resigned himself to defeat, that he would allow his love for the other man to fester and stay unrequited.
Because he couldn’t go through the hurt, the pain he would feel if Arthur did not feel the same way.
And worse, if Arthur were to pity him or hate Merlin for it…then Merlin could not bear to be around him anymore.
And then his job would become near impossible to do.
It was better to simply keep it to himself, Merlin decided.
It had to be.
~ * ~
Arthur looked up when he heard his door creak open and Merlin entered his room later that day.
Merlin could see the frown appear on Arthur’s face when his eyes passed over Merlin’s face.
“Did Gaius see to your injury?” Arthur inquired.
Merlin had a good feeling that Arthur just wanted to head off any awkward silences before things would get unbearable.
So, the easy questions came first.
Merlin nodded. “It still hurts a little bit though.”
“Sit down,” He directed Merlin.
He nodded toward the empty chair to his left at the table.
Merlin did as Arthur said and that was when he noticed what was on the table.
It was a bowl full of water and Arthur took the cloth beside it and held it in his hand.
“Arthur, you don’t need to do this,” Merlin said quietly as Arthur dipped the cloth into the bowl. He leaned forward toward Merlin and gently pressed the wet cloth on the purple and black swelling around his eye. Merlin could feel the biting coldness of the water, but it was welcome all the same.
“Shut up, Merlin.” Arthur retorted automatically without intent.
Merlin sighed and he let Arthur hold his chin still and continue to dab at the swelling, going back to wet the cloth when needed.
Merlin didn’t know what to make of Arthur’s piercing gaze directed at him as he shifted his concentration to the bruise and then to Merlin’s eyes - almost as if Arthur were trying to see into Merlin’s soul, to really figure him out…
The eyes are the windows to one’s soul - wasn’t that how the saying went?
After a few minutes, Arthur dropped the cloth back onto the table.
He let go of Merlin’s chin and looked down, away from Merlin’s uncertain gaze.
Then Arthur shook his head, coming to a decision.
He looked up. The honest, exposed, vulnerable look on Arthur’s face startled Merlin. “Merlin, I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right. I know you didn’t mean to give me a black eye. It was in the heat of the moment. I understand,” Merlin attempted to reassure him.
He gave him a small smile.
“No,” Arthur said, shaking his head. “It’s not just that I’m sorry for.”
Now Merlin was curious. “What is it, Arthur?”
“What I said to you about Guinevere that day - how I care about her more than anyone--”
“Yes, I remember that. What are you trying to tell me?”
“I thought I’d lost you - and Morgana just had to rub salt in my wound,” He looked annoyed as if he were recalling her bitter words. “I realize now how wrong I’ve been. I shouldn’t have said that to you.”
“Arthur?” Merlin said when Arthur didn't continue on.
“It’s not true," He continued in a firm tone. "It’s not her that I care about more than anyone. I’m not convinced anyone is sure who they truly care about more than any other. It’s a big admission, don’t you think?”
“Yes, I suppose you’re right. But what does this have to do with me?” Merlin asked.
He had a strange, unrepentantly hopeful feeling growing inside of him.
Was he not alone in what he felt for Arthur? It was almost too good to be true…
Arthur leaned toward Merlin, his face moving closer to him. And then, Merlin felt Arthur’s lips upon his own in a soft, tentative kiss.
His emotions getting the best of him, Merlin couldn’t help letting a tear escape from his traitorous eye. Arthur swept his thumb over the wetness, wiping it away.
“I care for you a great deal, Merlin,” Arthur said firmly, the sincerity in his words touching Merlin deeply.
Merlin couldn’t resist. “I’m not just your manservant, am I?” He teased lightly.
Arthur let out a chuckle. Apparently Morgana’s earlier words had lost their bite - for which Merlin was grateful.
Arthur answered mildly, the words speaking of their familiar banter rather than an insult meant to hurt. “You’re the worst manservant I’ve ever had," Merlin rolled his eyes at the common taunt - knowing full well that Arthur didn't really mean it most of the time. Arthur looked him straight in the eye when he spoke next. "But you’re my friend - maybe more than that, I don’t know. I just know that I want you by my side. That everything feels right when we’re working together. We’re like--”
“-two sides of the same coin?” Merlin contributed.
The Dragon’s mantra was always in the back of his mind when he thought of himself and Arthur.
Arthur nodded. “Yeah, that sounds adequate. Where did you come up with that?”
Merlin only grinned at him and answered with a kiss of his own.
This time, the kiss lasted longer and there was nothing tentative about it.
~ * ~
“So I won the glaring match with Arthur,” Morgana announced, a smug grin on her face.
Gwen and Lancelot both toasted to her success, clinking their cups to Morgana’s.
“Arthur and Merlin worked things out?” Lancelot asked.
Morgana nodded. “I’m certain of it. They looked content with each other. They were more at ease with one another than I’ve seen them in a while.”
“Merlin told me everything,” Gwen supplied, smiling as Lancelot took her hand in his.
“Oh, before I forget, Gwen - remember to tell Merlin to come by before Lancelot leaves.”
Gwen looked excited. “I definitely will make sure to do that. So he did agree to the magic show?”
“Yes, of course. I’m very persuasive. You know me, Gwen.”
Lancelot looked between the both of them and he asked, “So, the two of you know about Merlin. What about Arthur?”
“No, not yet,” Morgana said. “But that’s Merlin’s decision to make in the end. I - we’re - not going to force the issue, are we, Gwen?”
Her friend nodded quickly. “Of course. To everything there comes a time. I trust Merlin’s judgment.”
And they drank to that.
~ * ~
Author: dk323
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Merlin/Arthur, Merlin/Morgana, Arthur/Gwen, Lancelot/Gwen, Merlin/Gwen, Gwen/Morgana (friendship), mention of Arthur/Morgana (multi-pairing fest basically…)
Spoilers:
Takes place about a week after the events of 2x04
Disclaimer: The show Merlin is property of the BBC. No money being made.
Summary:
Arthur likes Gwen. Or at least he thinks he does. But then events occur that make him realize something about Merlin.
Meanwhile, Lancelot is back and Merlin gets some unexpected attention.
Author's Notes: It was a bit of a challenge, to say the least, working a whole host of pairings into the story. I'm happy with the end result though. Hope you enjoy this. Consider it a tag!fic to 2x04.
~ * ~
Merlin bent down to help Gwen with the linens she had dropped.
She leaned in toward him and said apologetically, “Sorry, I saw you coming and intentionally dropped them. I have to tell you something.”
Merlin looked at her in confusion. “You didn’t have to drop something just to talk to me.”
Gwen was about to reply when she appeared startled suddenly. “Oh no!” She cried softly.
“Gwen?” Merlin questioned.
He saw that she was looking at something ahead of him, over his shoulder. Merlin turned to find Arthur behind him a few feet away. He was approaching them.
After freeing her hands of the linens, Gwen grabbed Merlin by his shirt and she planted a searing kiss on his lips.
“Gwen, what are you doing?” Merlin demanded once she let him breathe.
Arthur was going to kill him. Why the hell was Gwen kissing him when she fancied Arthur?
Merlin was beginning to dread what Arthur would do to him. Arthur would definitely take this the wrong way and take it out on Merlin.
“Is Arthur still there?”
Merlin turned to see, Gwen’s hands still twisting his tunic, and yes, Arthur was still there. He had stopped walking and was, instead, staring in cold shock at the scene before him.
He faced her once again. She looked anxious, flighty. “Yeah, he is,” Merlin told her. “Gwen, what is this about?”
She shook her head quickly and then, just when Merlin thought it couldn’t get any worse, Gwen shoved her hand down the front of his pants.
And, god, she was feeling him up. Her hand wrapped around his cock --
He couldn’t help it - he groaned. Before Merlin could think or do anything else, Gwen pulled out her hand and pulled him into a nearby alcove.
“Arthur’s gone,” Gwen announced. She sounded breathless.
Merlin raised his eyebrow at her. “What are you doing this for? Are you trying to make Arthur jealous?”
Gwen said in a rush, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pull you into this, but I’m glad you came by. I know you’ll understand.”
“Gwen, what is going on??”
A dawning look of realization came over Gwen’s face just then. “Wait - you said “are you trying to make Arthur jealous?” You know about us?”
Merlin stared at her, realizing what he had just admitted to. Great, reason number two for Arthur to kill him.
“No! Uh, I just was saying things… I don’t know anything.”
Gwen just shook her head. She clearly didn’t believe him. “You’re right, there was something going on between Arthur and me…”
“ ‘Was’? Does Arthur know?”
She looked uneasy. “If he didn’t know before, he knows now,” Gwen put in. Merlin gave her a, “And whose fault is that?” look. She gave him a small, apologetic smile, though it seemed more obligatory than honest. “But, you see, I thought you might like to know: Lancelot’s back. He’s staying with me. Isn’t that great news?”
She grinned at him.
“Yes, that’s good to hear. But, Arthur…I don’t think he’ll like it. And you should really tell him that it’s over between you two.”
“Merlin, we barely had a relationship to start with! I don’t think I could wait for him. At least with Lancelot, I have a chance at a future with him!”
Merlin couldn’t help but agree with her.
Gwen looked at him significantly. She then spoke with trepidation, as if uncertain about her words. “I thought you’d be happy about this considering…”
“Considering what?”
“Morgana and I see how you look at Arthur--”
Merlin cut her off from saying anymore. He had hoped he hadn’t been so obvious, but maybe he had been. And anyway, he had made sure not to lose himself in the hope that Arthur would return those same feelings…
“I have to go,” Merlin said quickly.
He left before she could say anything else.
~ * ~
Arthur couldn’t believe what he had seen. He should have been angry, outraged at Merlin for doing that with Guinevere - especially after the business with Lancelot. Merlin had seen with his own two eyes how Arthur felt about another man taking Gwen away from him.
How could Merlin then go back and do the same thing that Lancelot did?
How dare he?
But, that wasn’t what he was feeling. Arthur didn’t know what to think anymore.
Because for a moment, startling in its intensity, Arthur had watched as he felt that yes, this was the moment when Merlin would be taken away from him.
Merlin, of all people, the useless, clumsy, ridiculous manservant, friend who…
…was always so cheerful with his guileless grin and those ridiculous ears, always there for him - reminding him, “you’ve still got me” - Merlin’s words from days ago echoing in his head.
No matter the consequences, Merlin was always willing to save his life. Did he even realize how Arthur would be affected by his loss? How he would feel at even the thought of losing Merlin, at seeing his bright, blue eyes fade to grey and breathing his last breath?
He couldn’t imagine living without Merlin. And Arthur certainly couldn’t bear the thought of Merlin favoring someone else… seeing another person who would be on the receiving end of Merlin’s affections, his devotion. He didn’t want to even consider the possibility of a day when that would come true, when Merlin would find another.
He hadn’t felt this strongly even when he had seen the telling looks between Lancelot and Guinevere a week ago when he had gone to rescue her.
There was no denying it, Arthur decided. He hadn’t been jealous of Merlin kissing Guinevere, but…
He had been jealous of Guinevere.
And what she had taken from Arthur…
Merlin.
He cared for him... he knew, maybe even harbored an affectionate love for him, but the depth of it…Arthur had never begun to explore it.
He had been too afraid of what he might find…
But Arthur couldn’t deny the truth any longer.
He cared for Guinevere, of course he did. He had felt something stir inside of him when they shared stolen moments; neither willing to pursue what they had for fear of being found out.
But what he felt for Merlin was stronger, deeper, something that both scared him and excited him.
Arthur just didn’t know what to do about it.
What if Merlin had feelings for Gwen?
Then, he recalled the flowers Merlin had taken to Morgana - the ‘token of his affections.’
Arthur still didn’t quite believe Merlin’s denial of his feelings for Morgana.
There was no worse time to realize what he felt for Merlin.
In light of that, Arthur’s mood turned decidedly gloomy for the rest of the day.
~ * ~
“Gwen?” Morgana asked.
“What?” Gwen said, sounding clearly distracted.
“What’s wrong? You look unhappy.”
Gwen sighed and she sat down on the bed. “Lancelot told me that he plans to go the day after tomorrow. Of course, it was foolish of me to think he would stay here indefinitely, but he only wanted to visit.”
“He has apologized to you though for leaving so suddenly before. That’s a start. It shows he has realized his error in his hasty retreat.” Morgana tried to console her.
She sat down beside her friend, placing her arm around her shoulders.
“I’m here for you, Gwen,” Morgana said sincerely.
Gwen looked at her, gracing her with a grateful smile.
“Thank you, my lady. I’m sorry for being such an emotional bother about this. It’s just…”
Morgana shook her head. She smiled at her. “It’s no trouble at all. You know you can confide in me, Gwen. I felt the same way for Arthur when I was younger. Clearly, I had poor taste. First time I beat him at sword-fighting, he refused to speak to me for an entire week. He wasn’t man enough to admit he was bested by a girl. After that, I realized the error of my ways.”
Gwen laughed and she asked, “What about now - do you have your eye on someone?”
“No,” Morgana said curtly. “You know very well that I hold no interest whatsoever in all those noblemen who think they can ‘woo’ me. I despise the whole matter of courtship. Especially knowing that whoever I marry - it won’t be for love, it will be for money, for the benefit of the kingdom, but not for me. You’re lucky that way, Gwen. You don’t have to deal with that nonsense.”
“Yes, I suppose you’re right. And yet, here I am, stuck between two men. I haven’t told Arthur yet about my change of heart,” Gwen sighed.
“Have you seen him lately? Arthur has been rather taciturn and aloof ever since you shoved your hand down Merlin’s pants.”
Morgana smiled at her. She had a mischievous twinkle in her eyes as she gave Gwen a congratulatory pat on the shoulder.
Gwen covered her face in embarrassment over what she had done. She had never once thought herself capable of being that forward with a man.
Morgana continued on, “And judging by the lingering looks Arthur has been bestowing upon Merlin… and how you said that Arthur has been giving you a bit of a cold shoulder…”
Gwen sat up straighter, her interest peaked. “Do you really think that Arthur feels the same for Merlin as --?” She questioned. She trailed off; knowing Morgana understood what she was asking.
“I’m never wrong. I know Arthur like an open book. Something is there. I know it - and I have a plan actually…”
Gwen looked intrigued. “A plan for what?”
“Our dear Merlin needs some attention.”
“What do you--” Gwen started, but then at seeing Morgana’s gesture, she nodded, understanding. “Is there an actual purpose to going ahead with this plan?”
Morgana smirked. “Well, Merlin will be happy. And Arthur--” She made a frown, imitating Arthur. Gwen stuck her fist in her mouth to stop herself from laughing out loud.
“-oh my god, that’s why? Is this really the best way to do this?” Gwen suddenly looked uncertain.
Morgana stood up and placed her hand on Gwen’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, Gwen. You don’t have to do a thing. Your performance yesterday, unintentional or not, was good enough. I’ll continue from there. You can help me with maneuvering - you’re all right with that, I hope?”
Gwen nodded. “Yes, of course, my lady. Anything you need. And that will work best considering…well, what Merlin told me.”
Morgana looked curiously at her. “What did he say?”
Gwen shrugged. “Oh, you know, he likes to complain about Arthur. He told me how ridiculous Arthur was about the flowers he gave to you and then, well, Arthur caught him after one of his late-night visits to your chambers…”
Morgana’s eyes widened. She looked a little too gleeful for Gwen’s liking.
“Those two are making it so easy. Poor Merlin doesn’t even know.”
Gwen nodded absently. “Yes, he clearly only sees Arthur. Anyone else just doesn’t compare…”
“Oh, I really don’t think that’s true,” Morgana put in.
Gwen looked at her in surprise. “What do you mean?”
Morgana waved her hand dismissively. “It’s not important. We best get our plan underway, don’t you think?”
Gwen nodded.
And so they did just that.
~ * ~
The next day:
“Merlin, I need to talk to you.”
Merlin stopped walking, finding Morgana in front of him and blocking his way.
“What is it, my lady?”
She smiled at him. “Oh, you don’t realize how much trouble you’re in.”
And Morgana pulled him into a small alcove nearby.
Merlin just stared at her.
“I know about your special talents… I’m hurt you didn’t trust me enough to confide in me after I did to you. Really, Merlin, that wasn’t fair.”
Merlin looked down, appearing undeniably uncomfortable. “I was meaning to tell you… it’s just I kept forgetting?”
She gave him an incredulous look. “You could use some work on your excuses. No matter - you can make it up to me.”
“And how do you propose I do that?” Merlin questioned.
Morgana looked down. “The fun way…”
Merlin followed her gaze and then he looked at her, the suspicion visible in his eyes. “First Gwen, now you. What is the point of this? If you think I’m easily played, then…”
“Oh, honestly, Merlin. Anyone with eyes knows you’re pining after Arthur.”
“Lucky that most of Camelot is blind then,” Merlin retorted, folding his arms across his chest.
They heard approaching footsteps and using Merlin’s distraction to her advantage, she pressed him up against the wall.
“Isn’t this supposed to be the other way around?” Merlin muttered under his breath inconsequentially.
Morgana only smirked at him. “Trying to be funny, are you?”
Merlin shrugged. “Arthur seems to enjoy it,” He put in, all nonchalant.
She didn’t answer him, instead choosing to lay a kiss on his lips.
Soon, Merlin found out that Morgana had clearly been practicing her magic because god…
And he discovered that he kind of liked it…well, if the reaction his magic was having toward her ministrations was any indication.
~ * ~
Even Gwen couldn’t suppress her gasp when she, with Arthur by her side, found the state that Merlin and Morgana were in.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing, Morgana?” He demanded.
Morgana didn’t look all that concerned by Arthur’s anger. Merlin, on the other hand, had his head turned away from Arthur, refusing to look him in the face.
It was ridiculous to act as if he had been caught cheating, he thought, as he pulled up his pants with trembling fingers --because there was nothing going on between him and Arthur anyway.
Except the turmoil of emotions in his own head reminding him that yes, he cared far too much for that prat to be healthy, he was sure.
So maybe that’s exactly why Merlin did truly feel like he had done something wrong.
Well, besides the obvious - being caught with the King’s Ward and possibly facing execution if the king found out.
But Merlin didn’t find himself to be too worried about that. He wondered what that said about him.
Everything always seemed to come back to Arthur for him… everything else just didn’t seem as important…
Then Merlin tuned back into the shouting match, Gwen barely managing a word in, between Arthur and Morgana.
“He’s my manservant! You can’t just take him at your pleasure!”
“Oh, so he’s not your friend anymore, is he? Well, I apologize, Arthur, for only being nice! You’ve been absolutely horrible to Merlin the last few weeks! I don’t know what has gotten you so intolerable recently, but I, for one, am glad that Gwen is done with you!”
Gwen looked startled. “My lady…” She cut in softly.
“What is all this about?” Arthur demanded. He looked genuinely puzzled.
He turned to Gwen, a questioning look in his eyes.
She sighed and bit her lip before speaking, “Lancelot has come back for a visit. He has been staying with me. You understand, Arthur, you said it yourself - any chance of you and I pursuing a relationship now is not possible. And, I don’t think I can wait for you. Lancelot-I’m being practical here, you understand. Lancelot and I - I feel strongly for him.”
Arthur wasn’t sure how to respond. He just settled on looking to Merlin who half-hid behind Morgana.
“Thank you, Merlin, for introducing us to Lancelot,” Arthur told him, the sarcasm cutting through in his words.
“He saved my life,” Merlin pointed out smartly.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Merlin. I have saved your life more times than he has.”
Gwen and Morgana just looked at one another, not sure what to think of that exchange.
Then Arthur turned back to Gwen. “I understand, Guinevere. It wouldn’t be right of me to stop you from being with Lancelot if that is what your heart desires.”
Gwen nodded. She looked relieved as if an unpleasant burden had been lifted off of her.
Morgana, feeling fearless and just a bit too bold, said, “If you think you can just waltz in and take my maidservant and lead her on like that right under my nose, you are a greater fool than I imagined of you, Arthur Pendragon.” Morgana gave him a stern look.
Arthur turned his head to properly glare at Morgana. He rolled his eyes. “Well, I’m sorry if you were so distracted with my manservant to notice!”
“What is this then, Arthur? Do you just not like others playing with your things? You’re not a child anymore! Merlin isn’t some toy of yours to play with and throw away once it’s broken!” Morgana shot back at him.
Arthur looked stunned - like the breath had been knocked right out of him.
Right about then, Merlin really wanted to sneak away or make himself invisible, but Morgana was keeping a tight hold on his arm.
“You don’t have any idea, Morgana! Don’t talk about things that you don’t understand!” Arthur yelled back at her.
“Just let it go,” Merlin interrupted tiredly. He just wanted this argument to end.
Arthur turned his attention back to Merlin. Then he shifted his gaze down to see Morgana’s hand still on Merlin’s arm.
The frustration shone through in his eyes - turning them a stormy blue color. Without a word, he wrenched her hand away from Merlin.
She let him. But then she held her head high, challenging Arthur. “You think I don’t understand, but I know how you are, Arthur. You can’t hide from me. And if you insist on continuing to treat Merlin like he’s nothing better than a possession of yours, then I will continue to do as I please with him! At least I’m brave enough to call him my friend while you’re too much of a coward to do the same!”
“This is going too far!” Gwen said urgently in warning. Merlin didn’t have much time to ponder what Gwen meant by that, before he saw Arthur advancing with intent on Morgana.
Arthur said furiously, “That’s it, Morgana! I’ve heard enough out of you!”
“Stop it!” Merlin tried to intervene.
He moved in front of Morgana - despite her sharp words causing this reaction in Arthur, Merlin didn’t want anything to happen that Arthur would surely regret afterwards.
Merlin could just see Arthur’s fist coming toward his face before it hit him and he stumbled back in shock.
Morgana grasped his arms so he could regain his footing, his balance.
Merlin couldn’t believe that Arthur had just hit him in the face. He touched his face to check for injury and could feel some swelling around his left eye. It was a black eye.
“Gwen, take Merlin to see Gaius,” Morgana instructed Gwen.
Merlin saw Arthur staring at him as if he couldn’t believe what he had just done.
But then Gwen tugged on his arm. “Gaius needs to see to that,” she whispered lightly to him. He nodded, not sure of what else to do. Merlin allowed her to direct him away from Morgana and Arthur who were in the midst of a glaring match.
He fell into a silent stupor as he walked alongside Gwen. His mind was full of things he wanted to say to Arthur, but then he tossed each of them away…casting them aside because in truth, Merlin didn’t know what to say to Arthur anymore.
He didn’t know what was going on with the prince - certainly, the punch, the resulting black eye had to have been an accident. Arthur wasn’t thinking clearly - he had been under a blind fit of anger. Surely, it wasn’t Arthur’s intention. And Merlin didn’t blame him for it.
But still, that left Merlin with his own feelings toward Arthur. Merlin had long resigned himself to defeat, that he would allow his love for the other man to fester and stay unrequited.
Because he couldn’t go through the hurt, the pain he would feel if Arthur did not feel the same way.
And worse, if Arthur were to pity him or hate Merlin for it…then Merlin could not bear to be around him anymore.
And then his job would become near impossible to do.
It was better to simply keep it to himself, Merlin decided.
It had to be.
~ * ~
Arthur looked up when he heard his door creak open and Merlin entered his room later that day.
Merlin could see the frown appear on Arthur’s face when his eyes passed over Merlin’s face.
“Did Gaius see to your injury?” Arthur inquired.
Merlin had a good feeling that Arthur just wanted to head off any awkward silences before things would get unbearable.
So, the easy questions came first.
Merlin nodded. “It still hurts a little bit though.”
“Sit down,” He directed Merlin.
He nodded toward the empty chair to his left at the table.
Merlin did as Arthur said and that was when he noticed what was on the table.
It was a bowl full of water and Arthur took the cloth beside it and held it in his hand.
“Arthur, you don’t need to do this,” Merlin said quietly as Arthur dipped the cloth into the bowl. He leaned forward toward Merlin and gently pressed the wet cloth on the purple and black swelling around his eye. Merlin could feel the biting coldness of the water, but it was welcome all the same.
“Shut up, Merlin.” Arthur retorted automatically without intent.
Merlin sighed and he let Arthur hold his chin still and continue to dab at the swelling, going back to wet the cloth when needed.
Merlin didn’t know what to make of Arthur’s piercing gaze directed at him as he shifted his concentration to the bruise and then to Merlin’s eyes - almost as if Arthur were trying to see into Merlin’s soul, to really figure him out…
The eyes are the windows to one’s soul - wasn’t that how the saying went?
After a few minutes, Arthur dropped the cloth back onto the table.
He let go of Merlin’s chin and looked down, away from Merlin’s uncertain gaze.
Then Arthur shook his head, coming to a decision.
He looked up. The honest, exposed, vulnerable look on Arthur’s face startled Merlin. “Merlin, I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right. I know you didn’t mean to give me a black eye. It was in the heat of the moment. I understand,” Merlin attempted to reassure him.
He gave him a small smile.
“No,” Arthur said, shaking his head. “It’s not just that I’m sorry for.”
Now Merlin was curious. “What is it, Arthur?”
“What I said to you about Guinevere that day - how I care about her more than anyone--”
“Yes, I remember that. What are you trying to tell me?”
“I thought I’d lost you - and Morgana just had to rub salt in my wound,” He looked annoyed as if he were recalling her bitter words. “I realize now how wrong I’ve been. I shouldn’t have said that to you.”
“Arthur?” Merlin said when Arthur didn't continue on.
“It’s not true," He continued in a firm tone. "It’s not her that I care about more than anyone. I’m not convinced anyone is sure who they truly care about more than any other. It’s a big admission, don’t you think?”
“Yes, I suppose you’re right. But what does this have to do with me?” Merlin asked.
He had a strange, unrepentantly hopeful feeling growing inside of him.
Was he not alone in what he felt for Arthur? It was almost too good to be true…
Arthur leaned toward Merlin, his face moving closer to him. And then, Merlin felt Arthur’s lips upon his own in a soft, tentative kiss.
His emotions getting the best of him, Merlin couldn’t help letting a tear escape from his traitorous eye. Arthur swept his thumb over the wetness, wiping it away.
“I care for you a great deal, Merlin,” Arthur said firmly, the sincerity in his words touching Merlin deeply.
Merlin couldn’t resist. “I’m not just your manservant, am I?” He teased lightly.
Arthur let out a chuckle. Apparently Morgana’s earlier words had lost their bite - for which Merlin was grateful.
Arthur answered mildly, the words speaking of their familiar banter rather than an insult meant to hurt. “You’re the worst manservant I’ve ever had," Merlin rolled his eyes at the common taunt - knowing full well that Arthur didn't really mean it most of the time. Arthur looked him straight in the eye when he spoke next. "But you’re my friend - maybe more than that, I don’t know. I just know that I want you by my side. That everything feels right when we’re working together. We’re like--”
“-two sides of the same coin?” Merlin contributed.
The Dragon’s mantra was always in the back of his mind when he thought of himself and Arthur.
Arthur nodded. “Yeah, that sounds adequate. Where did you come up with that?”
Merlin only grinned at him and answered with a kiss of his own.
This time, the kiss lasted longer and there was nothing tentative about it.
~ * ~
“So I won the glaring match with Arthur,” Morgana announced, a smug grin on her face.
Gwen and Lancelot both toasted to her success, clinking their cups to Morgana’s.
“Arthur and Merlin worked things out?” Lancelot asked.
Morgana nodded. “I’m certain of it. They looked content with each other. They were more at ease with one another than I’ve seen them in a while.”
“Merlin told me everything,” Gwen supplied, smiling as Lancelot took her hand in his.
“Oh, before I forget, Gwen - remember to tell Merlin to come by before Lancelot leaves.”
Gwen looked excited. “I definitely will make sure to do that. So he did agree to the magic show?”
“Yes, of course. I’m very persuasive. You know me, Gwen.”
Lancelot looked between the both of them and he asked, “So, the two of you know about Merlin. What about Arthur?”
“No, not yet,” Morgana said. “But that’s Merlin’s decision to make in the end. I - we’re - not going to force the issue, are we, Gwen?”
Her friend nodded quickly. “Of course. To everything there comes a time. I trust Merlin’s judgment.”
And they drank to that.
~ * ~