The Calm Before The Murder (Part 2 of Merlin's Fall)
Title: The Calm Before the Murder
Author: dk323
Rating: R
Warnings: swearing, angst
Word count: 11,988
Characters/Pairings: Merlin/Arthur
Disclaimer: The show Merlin is property of the BBC. The Dark Is Rising book series is property of Susan Cooper.
Summary: Merlin is healed and he wakes up, but he’s not the same Merlin Arthur once knew. This wasn't the reunion Arthur was expecting. But then Arthur is forced to face a new reality, his years living in the immortal world coming to an abrupt end.
Part One
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
“You know this doesn’t look like we’re underground,” Arthur noted to Merlin’s cousin Gwydion.
They were about ten feet under Stonehenge in what looked like a snow-white ice palace. Beforehand, Arthur thought it would be just a lot of dirt around him and that he would be surrounded by darkness. But it was clear that the underground haven had been long ago transformed from a creepy possibly hellish place to a place like heaven. All light and peace.
The floor consisted of diamond-shaped tiles and the room they were in had purely rounded walls like they were inside a tube. Fortunately the ice felt firm at Arthur’s feet and was a strange type of ice that wasn’t ice. An ice floor that magically looked like ice, according to Gwydion, but felt like a common smooth tiled floor.
There was a centrally-located hearth as well that held blue and white fire. The blue and white flames were always in some sort of beautiful artistic design. Arthur recognized some of the Celtic knotwork and rune symbols that his adoptive godly family found significant.
“I hope that’s a compliment,” said Gwydion in a mock-threatening voice. He grinned at Arthur.
Gwydion was nearly finished with healing Merlin who was lying, still in deep sleep, upon what looked like an ice bed. But Gwydion had assured Arthur that the bed was still as soft and comfortable as a mattress. At least the pillow below Merlin’s head looked like a pillow.
One of the best features about this underground palace was the magically controlled temperature so that it wasn’t cold as it should’ve been in a place of ice. Arthur felt the warmth of a perfect spring day rather than the biting cold of a winter freeze.
Over the past few hours, he’d alternated between sitting in one of the cushioned chairs by the hearth and pacing back and forth anxiously as he hoped Merlin would be all right. Arthur tried not to pace too much as he didn’t want Gwydion to lose concentration. More than once over the last few hours, Gwydion had told him to stop pacing - that the noise was distracting him as he directed his magic to heal Merlin in an efficient manner.
Yet walking helped him feel that he was doing something. Since he couldn’t actually assist in healing Merlin, the small act of moving his legs felt like he was contributing instead of just sitting there and staring at the shifting fire of the hearth. Gwydion had threatened that he’d freeze Arthur in place if he didn’t just relax and stop pacing. Yet he never went through with the threat. After Gwydion reassured him that Merlin would be fine multiple times, Arthur had mercy on him and stopped pacing. So here he was, slumped in the far too comfortable chair, waiting for well, the waiting to be over, and for Merlin to wake up.
“It’s a compliment. So you really constructed all this with your magic?” Arthur asked, waving his hand at the whole area around him.
“My father gave me this as a project to do. I don’t know. Maybe he needed me to focus on something other than how many creative ways I can hurt Muirden,” Gwydion said, rolling his eyes.
Arthur nodded. The fire leaped then and formed a crescent moon outlined in blue. “Ah yes. Understandable.”
“I’m still in the middle of the project, of course. There are many worlds within the human realm, as you know, and a Stonehenge in each of those worlds. Except for one, I think, anyway… that’s a lot of them to go through.”
Since Gwydion had directly transported them under Stonehenge, Arthur hadn’t been able to see the intriguing stone slabs above ground in person. He had seen photos of Stonehenge though courtesy of Gwydion. Arthur could understand the curiosity of his fellow humans regarding the heavy stone slabs - some slabs placed upon two slabs and seeming to form a kind of mystical gateway.
In what felt like another lifetime ago, before Merlin’s sacrifice, Gwydion had joked to Arthur that his and Merlin’s grandfather used to spend time in his younger days, naked, just leisurely taking in Stonehenge. Sometimes their grandfather had just lain down in the center of the structure and gazed up at the stars. Merlin had been there at the enlightening conversation and he’d told Gwydion to shut up and stop making ridiculous stories. But Gwydion was too busy laughing to care about the reprimand.
Arthur never did find what the real story was behind the creation of Stonehenge. He didn’t doubt Merlin’s grandfather, the previous god of magic, had a role in the creation. Yet he couldn’t reconcile the image of the venerable man with white hair yet a smooth ageless face with the man Gwydion reportedly said had spent quality time naked at Stonehenge.
Arthur had only seen Merlin’s grandfather a few times as he was retired and seldom made appearances. Yet when Arthur had met with Merlin’s grandfather, he found him to be likable, always with a smile, not unlike Merlin’s father. Merlin’s grandfather was always interested in how Arthur was getting on in the world of the gods and goddesses or the immortal world as Arthur called his present home.
“You’ve done an incredible job so far,” Arthur remarked. Then thoughtfully, he brought up, “Hey, just in case something unexpected has happened to Merlin…not that you and I can’t handle it just fine, but Muirden was clearly involved in harming Merlin, and he can play dirty. He might have done something else to Merlin besides physical harm. I want to be prepared.”
Gwydion frowned. “Damn Muirden,” he muttered under his breath. “Don’t worry, Arthur. My father will come if necessary. And I don’t feel all that guilty for bothering him because he is my father after all. He’s used to it. It’ll be fine, I’m sure. I can’t imagine it coming to needing my father’s involvement,” said Gwydion. “I should stop in case I jinx myself.” He tilted his head, winking at Arthur.
“Yeah, that would be wise,” said Arthur wryly.
“Maybe something will happen,” Gwydion amended. “But Merlin’s only human…and I’m just healing him. When he wakes up, the trouble will come in explaining to him where he is and who we are. That will be the worst of it though in my opinion.”
Fleetingly, Arthur thought to suggest the god of magic coming to help. But Arthur let the idea die quickly. He was much too busy after all. Since being claimed by Merlin’s father, Arthur had been seeing more of him to where Merlin’s father insisted Arthur call him by his first name, Hephaestion. That it was the least he could do after he had claimed Arthur. Through greater interaction, Arthur witnessed firsthand the amount of stress Merlin’s father dealt with as he solely shouldered the weight and responsibility of his many duties. Without Merlin, his heir, to assist him in his magical duties for the past few weeks, the burden rested on his shoulders.
Magic existed in every world though most humans could not see it. Gwydion’s father was guardian to humans who possessed magic. Meanwhile, Merlin’s father studied and took care of the magic outside of the human body. Natural magic. The magic of nature: the flora and the fauna.
As grand overseer, Merlin’s father made sure his duties, the duties of his younger brother James, and of his elder sister Ceridwen - the goddess of creative magic who was responsible for the creativity that inspired artistry and other such enlightening works of brilliance -- were all being carried out satisfactorily.
Frequently, Arthur had felt his heart go out to Merlin’s father. One time Merlin’s father had voiced his wandering thoughts. Arthur had heard the pain in Hephaestion’s voice as he’d spoken about conceiving another child what with Merlin being human now. Arthur was well aware that Merlin’s father couldn’t ask Merlin’s dryad mother to bear another child with him. After all, according to her, she felt she was only fated to bear Merlin with the god of magic and no other child. Merlin’s mother would not be shaken from the strength of that conviction.
Hephaestion was as ageless as other gods - forever in his thirties, his physical appearance changing little since Arthur was a young boy. He had a strong, handsome face and a charming persona everyone praised. Arthur knew from the ladies of the immortal world, the goddesses that is, how Hephaestion was an attractive man. While the god of magic could easily gain a consort; it was a task he shied away from. Arthur knew how much he cared for Merlin and didn’t want to make it seem like he would be ‘replacing’ him with another child.
Luckily Hephaestion had let the matter drop, understanding that Arthur missed Merlin just as much too, and this topic was, perhaps, too soon to delve into. Arthur had agreed. And a small part of him thought that if Merlin’s father had another child, another designated heir, then that truly meant Merlin was never coming back.
That Merlin would never be a god again.
“Arthur,” Gwydion spoke up. “I think Merlin’s waking up now.”
And that announcement had Arthur up and out of his chair before he realized he was moving.
Arthur reached the ice bed Merlin lay upon. He grasped his hand.
“He’s healed? Completely?” Arthur looked at Gwydion.
“Yes he is. Oh would I love to give Muirden a what for. How dare he do this to Merlin?” Gwydion said angrily.
“What a bastard,” Arthur acknowledged.
Then he turned his attention to Merlin whose dark eyelashes were fluttering in a clear sign that he would awaken soon.
Gwydion bit his lip uncertainly. “Hm, best you let go of his hand since he’ll consider you a stranger,” he advised Arthur.
Arthur frowned, understanding the issue but dearly wishing that Merlin still saw him as a friend instead of an unknown entity. Such was the trouble with being reborn.
He and Gwydion watched as Merlin’s eyes opened. Yet the bright, happy blue of his eyes that they had both anticipated wasn’t what they saw then.
Merlin’s eyes were a fierce golden colour, even glowing out past the confine of his eyes.
Merlin looked alien to him. Even before the energy storm, when Arthur had seen him perform great acts of magic, Merlin’s blue eyes always shifted to a warm, friendly golden colour. A colour that never made Arthur fearful of Merlin as he did now looking at him.
Merlin sat up and stared at each of them in turn, his look cool and uncaring. He spread both his arms wide and -
“Merlin, what the hell?” Gwydion exclaimed when Arthur was too shocked to even speak.
Then Arthur saw Gwydion tossed backwards a few feet, and he himself was also thrown back so that he hit the leg of a chair.
He felt bruised from the impact as he fell unpleasantly to the ground, but at least he hadn’t been knocked unconscious. It was clear, however inexplicably, that Merlin had regained his godly powers. While Merlin just being a human possessing magic would have also been a possibility, Arthur knew the nature of gods all too well after his years living in their world. Without a doubt, Merlin was a god again. And he wasn’t handling the situation well at all. What was Merlin aiming at - attacking him and Gwydion, his cousin, like that?
Merlin climbed off the bed and advanced on Gwydion.
“What have you done to me?” He demanded.
“I only healed you. You’re not acting like yourself, Merlin.” Gwydion said, looking at him oddly.
Yet Merlin made no sign he’d relent, his viciously glowing eyes sparked like fire. Arthur half-feared Merlin would set Gwydion on fire with the anger he was displaying.
“Merlin, calm down,” Arthur spoke to him, his tone surprisingly firm considering how unnerved he felt.
Merlin shot him a look. “Oh shut up,” he said to Arthur flippantly.
The tone left Arthur wondering if the best strategy for him was to stay quiet and not draw attention to himself. It was a defense mechanism he’d had to learn as a human living amongst gods and goddesses.
If Merlin remained in such a rage, then Arthur wasn’t so sure Merlin wouldn’t try to kill him. Gwydion was right, Merlin wasn’t acting like himself. He would never speak to Arthur in that way. Merlin would never look at Arthur like he wished to truly hurt him.
Merlin had become a god again at the worst possible time as something inside him was stopping him for being reasonable, from controlling himself into a more calmed state. That something was preventing the true Merlin, the Merlin Arthur loved and respected from coming forth.
Gwydion put out his hand, but the show of readying for attack was half-hearted at best. After working to heal Merlin for hours, Arthur could comprehend Gwydion’s reluctance to attack and harm his cousin.
“Don’t speak like that to Arthur. You have to calm down, Merlin. Can’t you see this isn’t you? You were human not a moment ago, the change back to being a god has addled your mind, I think.”
“Me, a human?” Merlin said, sounding as if the idea was distasteful to him.
Well Merlin was wasting no time disassociating himself with being a human, Arthur thought unhappily.
This wasn’t the son Hephaestion had raised. Arthur dearly hoped that whatever had overcome Merlin was a temporary problem - that the longer he remained a god and adjusted to the change from human to god, the old Merlin would return.
But this was Muirden’s handiwork. Who the hell knew what that wretched god had in store for Merlin?
Then Merlin seemed to deflate, the anger and tension appeared to leave him. Arthur wished he could help Merlin. But whatever Merlin was dealing with was beyond Arthur’s depth. Even the fact that Merlin seemed to have regained his past life memories - or at least some of them based on his present obsession of regaining his crown - did little to make Arthur feel better about the troubling situation.
“Merlin,” Arthur addressed him quietly. With a pointed look, Gwydion warned him to speak cautiously with Merlin. Arthur got the message. He of course didn’t want to raise Merlin’s ire when currently he seemed to have taken a break from his demands. Would it last? Arthur wasn’t so sure. “How much do you remember of your past life as a god? Do you remember me?”
“I - I… I do, I think,” Merlin said slowly, and then he paled, and blinked.
His eyes had returned to their normal blue. Arthur breathed out a sigh of relief, and he saw Gwydion visibly relax too.
Merlin looked directly at Arthur as if seeing him for the first time; and in a way, he was since this was the first time Merlin had laid eyes on Arthur since he’d been reincarnated. “My nineteen years as a human…those memories are fading away. I’m forgetting them… I can’t… I don’t know what to do…” He said, taking long pauses. He looked lost.
Arthur went to him, embracing him. Merlin returned the hug, but the return pressure was weak as Merlin still seemed to be overwhelmed by the change of situation. But then Merlin’s attention was focused on his neck, he noticed. That was where the lynx marking Merlin’s father had given him was located.
Arthur pulled away quickly. “Merlin…”
Merlin’s eyes returned to an angry gold. “You couldn’t wait, could you?? You whore! I can’t believe you! You couldn’t hold out hope long enough…and here I am back, and you’ve been claimed already! By my own father! How fuckin’ dare you!” Merlin raged, pushing Arthur down to the floor.
Gwydion put himself in between Arthur and Merlin. “Stop it. Now,” he ordered his cousin.
Stubborn as he was, Gwydion wouldn’t let Merlin past him to get to Arthur. Arthur was glad because the accusations Merlin had made hurt. He had done what he thought was the right thing at the time. He had thought there was no way of Merlin returning home as a god. He wanted to insure he was protected in the immortal world, and the claiming gave him that. If Merlin was truly himself, then he would understand Arthur’s need to protect himself.
And if Merlin’s father, the powerful god that he was, offered to put Arthur under his direct protection then Arthur couldn’t refuse. How could he decline an offer from the god he considered like a father to him? He did the polite thing, and what would keep him safe as he continued to call the immortal world his beloved home.
“Arthur isn’t a whore,” Gwydion said, defending Arthur.
“Merlin, please,” Arthur told him earnestly. “I’m being honest when I say this. I’ve been with no one. Your father hasn’t…he hasn’t asked anything of me like that as he knows how much I wanted to be with you first. And we can still have that.”
“Ah, a pathetic virgin. Of course,” Merlin snapped, rolling his eyes.
Arthur wasn’t used to Merlin acting like this. It jarred him yet he continued to carry the hope that this was a temporary obstacle for Merlin. That this would blow over, that things would return to normal.
Merlin told him harshly, “We can’t have that, Arthur. Bloody hell, that’s not how the claiming works. I won’t be able to have you first. The one to claim you, the one whose mark you possess, must take you first. It’s a law. And now you have to live with your own impatience. Because of what you agreed to, you have to live the rest of your life under my father’s thumb. I can never be anything but second-best.”
“You will never be second-best to me.” Arthur assured him resolutely.
“Ha! Let us see what you say this time next year, you poor deluded human,” Merlin shot back in a cold sarcastic voice.
Arthur couldn’t stand how Merlin was speaking to him, as if small doses of hate and disappointment were seeped into each word Merlin spoke.
Then Merlin made a strong push to knock Gwydion down, putting red tendrils of magic behind the attack.
Gwydion quickly concentrated his power and forced Merlin to transform into a stone statue before Merlin could overpower him.
Fortunately Merlin’s recent transformation back into a god was a disadvantage. His body was still adjusting to the extreme change after years - from his perspective - of not having these godly powers. That had to slow him down. Arthur recalled Merlin’s father telling him that Merlin turning back into a god would not be without complications and had the potential to kill him.
It left Merlin mounting an effective magical assault more difficult especially now that Gwydion was prepared for Merlin acting out. Merlin’s initial attack of throwing them back had been unexpected, so Gwydion hadn’t been as ready then.
“Is that true, Gwydion?” Arthur asked him. Merlin’s pronouncement of the law requiring that the one who claimed him, Hephaestion, must have sex with him first, had surprised him. He hadn’t been aware of that particular detail.
Gwydion nodded. “But you shouldn’t worry. My uncle is the god of all magic after all. With all the clout and power he has, he can bend the law a bit for you. He knows that you’d like to be with Merlin first. Some rules are meant to be broken, I say,” he reassured Arthur.
“I hope that’s true now.”
~ * ~
When they had returned, Gwydion lifted his spell and freed Merlin from his stone confines.
Merlin looked unhappy after that, and he sought to apologize to Arthur.
Arthur held up his hand. “Don’t. I know you didn’t mean it. I just hope you get better. You should go see your father.”
“It’s probably just a temporary thing that happens when you change from human to god. It makes you say things you wouldn’t say otherwise,” Gwydion said, though Arthur thought Gwydion’s tone sounded doubtful.
“But Muirden…” Merlin reminded them. “He was directly involved, wasn’t he? I can’t remember the attack too well…those details are fading away along with the other memories of my human life… but we all know how much of a bastard Muirden is. If he had a part to play, then this condition of saying such horrible things might be a real cause of concern.”
“Won’t argue with you there about Muirden. But we need to take one thing at a time,” Arthur said to him. “Just go meet with your father, Merlin. All right?” He attempted to sound reassuring.
“Yeah. You’ll get the help you need,” Gwydion chimed in.
Merlin stared at them, crossing his arms against his chest. “The both of you have the least reassuring faces I’ve ever seen,” He remarked.
“That’s why I never dreamed of being an actor,” quipped Arthur.
“That’s one dream shattered for me,” said Gwydion with a dramatic sigh.
Merlin shook his head, but he luckily relented and went to see his father.
As soon as Merlin had magically disappeared, Arthur shared an uneasy look with Gwydion.
“Why do I have the feeling that wishing hard enough that this will be a temporary problem for Merlin won’t do any good?” Arthur voiced.
Gwydion bit his lip. “Hopefully my uncle will give a clearer picture of the situation to Merlin. And maybe our doubts will be baseless.”
Arthur nodded. Yes, for now, that would have to do.
~ * ~
In one of the palace’s reading rooms, Arthur was reading a book detailing Arthurian legend, a popular story in all the human worlds. Gwydion had given it to him saying that he thought Arthur would like it. So Arthur had been reading it for the last couple of weeks. When he was young, before he was taken to live in the immortal world, he had heard about this tale of Arthur and his knights, and the sorcerer Merlin who mentored him. He had been curious about it, as any boy would be, even more so probably because he shared his name with the mythical King whose life ultimately proved to be a tragedy.
Except now, years later, Arthur thought it didn’t seem right for such a King to have a plain, common name like Arthur. He should have had a grander name, not a name that anyone could have. While he liked the idea of a man named Merlin supporting this King, reminding him of his - Arthur stopped that train of thought.
Thinking about Merlin and how he had changed hurt… and Arthur worried that their friendship wouldn’t be the same again like before the energy storm. Not if Arthur had to be concerned about Merlin harming him, however unintentionally, with his godly powers. Arthur hated having to be wary around Merlin, to be hyperaware of the fact he was only human, and Merlin as a god could take him down if Arthur wasn’t on his guard. It was almost like with Muirden…and hell, Arthur didn’t want to compare Merlin to Muirden. That didn’t help his mood at all.
Arthur turned his attention to Bran. He was on the other side of the room, the side closest to the door, practicing a difficult piece on his harp. Bran had been drawn to playing the string instrument after learning of his birth mother’s talent at it. Arthur remembered Bran’s excitement when he discovered that he was a natural at the harp. That even if he’d never known his mother, at least he had this one thing he shared with her.
“How’s it coming?” Arthur asked him.
Bran gave him a wry smile. “I’m getting there… just need some more time, but my harp is cooperating most of the time…”
“Well you only got that new harp last year,” Arthur reminded him. Bran had received the small golden harp as a present from Gwydion’s father, Arthur remembered. “Understandable you need time to get used to it.”
“Couldn’t have picked a harder piece for that,” Bran quipped with a quick grin. “But this harp is definitely amazing, one of the best. Hmm…let’s see,” he murmured.
Arthur heard him start playing a simpler melody. After hearing Bran practice for years now, Arthur couldn’t help but get a better sense of harp music…being able to tell when a melody was more intricate or of a simpler fare.
When Merlin entered the room, Arthur swore that the tension in the room increased.
“Hi,” Merlin said quietly to Arthur, approaching him after talking with Bran.
Arthur saw Bran’s unease with Merlin. Arthur, along with Gwydion, had relayed to him the details of Merlin speaking so uncharacteristically after he’d been healed and woken up. Arthur almost wished they hadn’t done that because of Bran’s reaction. But Gwydion wasn’t one to keep Bran in the dark, so Arthur had to accept that. And anyway, it was best to be informed ahead of time. Merlin might have another episode and Bran could be his next target. Arthur sincerely hoped that wouldn’t happen.
Arthur gave Merlin a small smile. “Hey. How did the talk with your father go?”
“Not well.” Merlin revealed with a sigh. He sat down across from Arthur, raising his elbows to rest on the table, and he swiped Arthur’s book. He frowned slightly as he skimmed through the book, probably not really reading it, Arthur thought. Maybe he was just looking for something to handle as he spoke to Arthur. Like an anchor to keep him from drifting.
“What did he say?” Arthur asked, uncertain whether he really wanted to, but his blasted curiosity was getting the better of him.
He looked subdued, desperately unhappy. “I informed my father about my problem. He told me that he believes my change back into a god is the cause of my abrupt bouts of unpleasant behavior. It’s not Muirden’s doing.”
“Isn’t that a good thing? Or maybe bad because it doesn’t give me another reason to hate him.”
“I wish it was a good thing,” Merlin said wistfully. “Because now, there is no clear cure for my… condition. This problem I’ll be stuck with for who knows how long. If Muirden had caused it, then we could pressure him to fix it, but now… it’s a real problem.”
“Your father did tell me that you could die from this transformation. At least you’re still alive, that’s good, right?” Arthur brought up in earnest, sounding as hopeful as he could muster.
“Not when I feel so miserable,” Merlin retorted bitterly. “And what’s worse, he said that if I choose to be with you in that way… that there’s the danger I’ll hurt you. That my condition may turn wild and overpower you during sex…and you might lose your free will completely, permanently.”
“Does your father have solid evidence of that?”
“In some texts, yes, a warning is present referring to such an event. I can’t risk it, Arthur. I can’t risk you losing yourself… we just…” Merlin paused, shaking his head.
He rubbed his face with his hands. He set down his hands again. “To make things even better,” he started sarcastically, “I yelled at my father. Just right out yelled at him. I’ve never done that before. I’ve never been in that kind of confrontation with him. I accused him of lying, that he wanted you only for himself. That’s why he was making up these lies about me hurting you. Giving me reasons not to be with you. He did say he’d allow for me to be your first, overruling that law, but when I told him about my condition… my father became more wary, cautious. And Arthur, oh gods, Arthur… I swear I felt so much hate and frustration with him. I want to be with you so much, and now…” Merlin trailed off, sighing and looking trapped in a situation he wished he could be freed from.
“I’m only seventeen, Merlin! There’s still time. You only just returned. This ‘condition’ could be temporary. In a few months maybe, we’ll see how you are, and all this uncertainty will be all for nothing.”
Merlin bit his lip. He looked down at the book in front of him. “This book is all too sad.”
“King Arthur dies in the end.” Arthur said lightly, allowing Merlin to change the subject.
Merlin smiled at him. “Oh no, not that. I meant the part where the sorcerer Merlin gets trapped in a tree. That’s the sad bit.”
Arthur gave him a wry look. “Seriously?”
Merlin shrugged. “Well if not sad then wholly unpleasant,” he said dismissively with a quick grin.
Arthur saw the old Merlin coming back, making him hope that Merlin’s uncharacteristic outbursts were just a bad memory.
Then Merlin gave a long sigh. “You’ll be happier with my father, Arthur… I think that …” he paused.
“Merlin, why are you giving up like this? You just need some rest and time. Don’t sound so defeated!” Arthur nearly demanded of him, not liking how Merlin wasn’t giving himself the chance to get better.
Merlin shook his head. “No, Arthur. You see, the thing is, my father believes that my condition could be permanent. He looked me over magically, and he determined that it wasn’t something I could hope to go away if I wish it hard enough. There may be a treatment, I don’t know…but it’s not every day a human being gets transformed into a god. That’s what I was, Arthur. I had been reincarnated as a human. For these last nineteen years of my life, I was only human…and now I’m back as a god, but I’m not the same god I once was, Arthur. You know that. Don’t deny you have doubts. I can’t be like this, I can’t act this way. I can’t be the proper heir my father needs. I need to be calm, steady, as the next god of all magic. That’s how my father is. He never gets angry, you know that. He never yells without good reason. He just gets disappointed. I used to be like my father, Arthur, before the energy storm… and now whatever I am is something I can’t…I don’t understand it. I hate being this way!” He exclaimed, irritated. He shoved the book off the table in frustration, covering his face with his hands.
Arthur flinched involuntarily at the mention of the energy storm. He still felt guilty for his part in that, however much he hadn’t wanted Merlin to sacrifice himself like that for him. And now Merlin’s very personality was negatively impacted. If Arthur could have stopped Merlin from the sacrifice, he would have. If only he could turn back time…
“Merlin, there’s still time. It’s too soon to be assuming the worst,” Arthur voiced, wanting to inspire some confidence in Merlin.
But his words seemed to fall on deaf ears. “And my father told me it’d be best that I take a while before returning to my official duties. Because of my condition of course.”
“You’ve been through a lot very recently, taking a beating from Muirden and everything. It’s understandable why your father wants you to rest and relax.”
“Yeah, but…” Merlin paused. Then he spoke, sounding nervous now. “Arthur, I think you should go…”
“Merlin, what is it?” Arthur asked in concern.
Merlin looked at him, his eyes a fathomless gold now.
Arthur stood up quickly. “Shit. Merlin, no…”
But Merlin didn’t listen. He shot out his hand and magically threw Arthur back a few feet.
“Bran!” Arthur exclaimed in warning.
But he could already see from across the room, Bran’s eyes were already narrowing. He had seen something was wrong with Merlin.
“Merlin, think of Gwydion…what he’ll say,” Arthur attempted to entreat him hurriedly when Merlin’s gold-eyed gaze settled on Bran.
“Shut up,” Merlin said to him, his face still turned away from him.
Then Arthur felt himself fall unconscious, mildly grateful that he hadn’t had something hard bludgeon him as sleep conquered him. It was too fast, he couldn’t stop it. He hoped Bran would be able to avoid Merlin. Arthur practiced sword fighting and other fighting skills with him, so he felt assured that Bran was good enough to defend himself. Or at least run for it because it was foolish for a human to take on a god, especially one as angry as Merlin was now.
~ * ~
Final part of The Calm Before The Murder
Author: dk323
Rating: R
Warnings: swearing, angst
Word count: 11,988
Characters/Pairings: Merlin/Arthur
Disclaimer: The show Merlin is property of the BBC. The Dark Is Rising book series is property of Susan Cooper.
Summary: Merlin is healed and he wakes up, but he’s not the same Merlin Arthur once knew. This wasn't the reunion Arthur was expecting. But then Arthur is forced to face a new reality, his years living in the immortal world coming to an abrupt end.
Part One
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
“You know this doesn’t look like we’re underground,” Arthur noted to Merlin’s cousin Gwydion.
They were about ten feet under Stonehenge in what looked like a snow-white ice palace. Beforehand, Arthur thought it would be just a lot of dirt around him and that he would be surrounded by darkness. But it was clear that the underground haven had been long ago transformed from a creepy possibly hellish place to a place like heaven. All light and peace.
The floor consisted of diamond-shaped tiles and the room they were in had purely rounded walls like they were inside a tube. Fortunately the ice felt firm at Arthur’s feet and was a strange type of ice that wasn’t ice. An ice floor that magically looked like ice, according to Gwydion, but felt like a common smooth tiled floor.
There was a centrally-located hearth as well that held blue and white fire. The blue and white flames were always in some sort of beautiful artistic design. Arthur recognized some of the Celtic knotwork and rune symbols that his adoptive godly family found significant.
“I hope that’s a compliment,” said Gwydion in a mock-threatening voice. He grinned at Arthur.
Gwydion was nearly finished with healing Merlin who was lying, still in deep sleep, upon what looked like an ice bed. But Gwydion had assured Arthur that the bed was still as soft and comfortable as a mattress. At least the pillow below Merlin’s head looked like a pillow.
One of the best features about this underground palace was the magically controlled temperature so that it wasn’t cold as it should’ve been in a place of ice. Arthur felt the warmth of a perfect spring day rather than the biting cold of a winter freeze.
Over the past few hours, he’d alternated between sitting in one of the cushioned chairs by the hearth and pacing back and forth anxiously as he hoped Merlin would be all right. Arthur tried not to pace too much as he didn’t want Gwydion to lose concentration. More than once over the last few hours, Gwydion had told him to stop pacing - that the noise was distracting him as he directed his magic to heal Merlin in an efficient manner.
Yet walking helped him feel that he was doing something. Since he couldn’t actually assist in healing Merlin, the small act of moving his legs felt like he was contributing instead of just sitting there and staring at the shifting fire of the hearth. Gwydion had threatened that he’d freeze Arthur in place if he didn’t just relax and stop pacing. Yet he never went through with the threat. After Gwydion reassured him that Merlin would be fine multiple times, Arthur had mercy on him and stopped pacing. So here he was, slumped in the far too comfortable chair, waiting for well, the waiting to be over, and for Merlin to wake up.
“It’s a compliment. So you really constructed all this with your magic?” Arthur asked, waving his hand at the whole area around him.
“My father gave me this as a project to do. I don’t know. Maybe he needed me to focus on something other than how many creative ways I can hurt Muirden,” Gwydion said, rolling his eyes.
Arthur nodded. The fire leaped then and formed a crescent moon outlined in blue. “Ah yes. Understandable.”
“I’m still in the middle of the project, of course. There are many worlds within the human realm, as you know, and a Stonehenge in each of those worlds. Except for one, I think, anyway… that’s a lot of them to go through.”
Since Gwydion had directly transported them under Stonehenge, Arthur hadn’t been able to see the intriguing stone slabs above ground in person. He had seen photos of Stonehenge though courtesy of Gwydion. Arthur could understand the curiosity of his fellow humans regarding the heavy stone slabs - some slabs placed upon two slabs and seeming to form a kind of mystical gateway.
In what felt like another lifetime ago, before Merlin’s sacrifice, Gwydion had joked to Arthur that his and Merlin’s grandfather used to spend time in his younger days, naked, just leisurely taking in Stonehenge. Sometimes their grandfather had just lain down in the center of the structure and gazed up at the stars. Merlin had been there at the enlightening conversation and he’d told Gwydion to shut up and stop making ridiculous stories. But Gwydion was too busy laughing to care about the reprimand.
Arthur never did find what the real story was behind the creation of Stonehenge. He didn’t doubt Merlin’s grandfather, the previous god of magic, had a role in the creation. Yet he couldn’t reconcile the image of the venerable man with white hair yet a smooth ageless face with the man Gwydion reportedly said had spent quality time naked at Stonehenge.
Arthur had only seen Merlin’s grandfather a few times as he was retired and seldom made appearances. Yet when Arthur had met with Merlin’s grandfather, he found him to be likable, always with a smile, not unlike Merlin’s father. Merlin’s grandfather was always interested in how Arthur was getting on in the world of the gods and goddesses or the immortal world as Arthur called his present home.
“You’ve done an incredible job so far,” Arthur remarked. Then thoughtfully, he brought up, “Hey, just in case something unexpected has happened to Merlin…not that you and I can’t handle it just fine, but Muirden was clearly involved in harming Merlin, and he can play dirty. He might have done something else to Merlin besides physical harm. I want to be prepared.”
Gwydion frowned. “Damn Muirden,” he muttered under his breath. “Don’t worry, Arthur. My father will come if necessary. And I don’t feel all that guilty for bothering him because he is my father after all. He’s used to it. It’ll be fine, I’m sure. I can’t imagine it coming to needing my father’s involvement,” said Gwydion. “I should stop in case I jinx myself.” He tilted his head, winking at Arthur.
“Yeah, that would be wise,” said Arthur wryly.
“Maybe something will happen,” Gwydion amended. “But Merlin’s only human…and I’m just healing him. When he wakes up, the trouble will come in explaining to him where he is and who we are. That will be the worst of it though in my opinion.”
Fleetingly, Arthur thought to suggest the god of magic coming to help. But Arthur let the idea die quickly. He was much too busy after all. Since being claimed by Merlin’s father, Arthur had been seeing more of him to where Merlin’s father insisted Arthur call him by his first name, Hephaestion. That it was the least he could do after he had claimed Arthur. Through greater interaction, Arthur witnessed firsthand the amount of stress Merlin’s father dealt with as he solely shouldered the weight and responsibility of his many duties. Without Merlin, his heir, to assist him in his magical duties for the past few weeks, the burden rested on his shoulders.
Magic existed in every world though most humans could not see it. Gwydion’s father was guardian to humans who possessed magic. Meanwhile, Merlin’s father studied and took care of the magic outside of the human body. Natural magic. The magic of nature: the flora and the fauna.
As grand overseer, Merlin’s father made sure his duties, the duties of his younger brother James, and of his elder sister Ceridwen - the goddess of creative magic who was responsible for the creativity that inspired artistry and other such enlightening works of brilliance -- were all being carried out satisfactorily.
Frequently, Arthur had felt his heart go out to Merlin’s father. One time Merlin’s father had voiced his wandering thoughts. Arthur had heard the pain in Hephaestion’s voice as he’d spoken about conceiving another child what with Merlin being human now. Arthur was well aware that Merlin’s father couldn’t ask Merlin’s dryad mother to bear another child with him. After all, according to her, she felt she was only fated to bear Merlin with the god of magic and no other child. Merlin’s mother would not be shaken from the strength of that conviction.
Hephaestion was as ageless as other gods - forever in his thirties, his physical appearance changing little since Arthur was a young boy. He had a strong, handsome face and a charming persona everyone praised. Arthur knew from the ladies of the immortal world, the goddesses that is, how Hephaestion was an attractive man. While the god of magic could easily gain a consort; it was a task he shied away from. Arthur knew how much he cared for Merlin and didn’t want to make it seem like he would be ‘replacing’ him with another child.
Luckily Hephaestion had let the matter drop, understanding that Arthur missed Merlin just as much too, and this topic was, perhaps, too soon to delve into. Arthur had agreed. And a small part of him thought that if Merlin’s father had another child, another designated heir, then that truly meant Merlin was never coming back.
That Merlin would never be a god again.
“Arthur,” Gwydion spoke up. “I think Merlin’s waking up now.”
And that announcement had Arthur up and out of his chair before he realized he was moving.
Arthur reached the ice bed Merlin lay upon. He grasped his hand.
“He’s healed? Completely?” Arthur looked at Gwydion.
“Yes he is. Oh would I love to give Muirden a what for. How dare he do this to Merlin?” Gwydion said angrily.
“What a bastard,” Arthur acknowledged.
Then he turned his attention to Merlin whose dark eyelashes were fluttering in a clear sign that he would awaken soon.
Gwydion bit his lip uncertainly. “Hm, best you let go of his hand since he’ll consider you a stranger,” he advised Arthur.
Arthur frowned, understanding the issue but dearly wishing that Merlin still saw him as a friend instead of an unknown entity. Such was the trouble with being reborn.
He and Gwydion watched as Merlin’s eyes opened. Yet the bright, happy blue of his eyes that they had both anticipated wasn’t what they saw then.
Merlin’s eyes were a fierce golden colour, even glowing out past the confine of his eyes.
Merlin looked alien to him. Even before the energy storm, when Arthur had seen him perform great acts of magic, Merlin’s blue eyes always shifted to a warm, friendly golden colour. A colour that never made Arthur fearful of Merlin as he did now looking at him.
Merlin sat up and stared at each of them in turn, his look cool and uncaring. He spread both his arms wide and -
“Merlin, what the hell?” Gwydion exclaimed when Arthur was too shocked to even speak.
Then Arthur saw Gwydion tossed backwards a few feet, and he himself was also thrown back so that he hit the leg of a chair.
He felt bruised from the impact as he fell unpleasantly to the ground, but at least he hadn’t been knocked unconscious. It was clear, however inexplicably, that Merlin had regained his godly powers. While Merlin just being a human possessing magic would have also been a possibility, Arthur knew the nature of gods all too well after his years living in their world. Without a doubt, Merlin was a god again. And he wasn’t handling the situation well at all. What was Merlin aiming at - attacking him and Gwydion, his cousin, like that?
Merlin climbed off the bed and advanced on Gwydion.
“What have you done to me?” He demanded.
“I only healed you. You’re not acting like yourself, Merlin.” Gwydion said, looking at him oddly.
Yet Merlin made no sign he’d relent, his viciously glowing eyes sparked like fire. Arthur half-feared Merlin would set Gwydion on fire with the anger he was displaying.
“Merlin, calm down,” Arthur spoke to him, his tone surprisingly firm considering how unnerved he felt.
Merlin shot him a look. “Oh shut up,” he said to Arthur flippantly.
The tone left Arthur wondering if the best strategy for him was to stay quiet and not draw attention to himself. It was a defense mechanism he’d had to learn as a human living amongst gods and goddesses.
If Merlin remained in such a rage, then Arthur wasn’t so sure Merlin wouldn’t try to kill him. Gwydion was right, Merlin wasn’t acting like himself. He would never speak to Arthur in that way. Merlin would never look at Arthur like he wished to truly hurt him.
Merlin had become a god again at the worst possible time as something inside him was stopping him for being reasonable, from controlling himself into a more calmed state. That something was preventing the true Merlin, the Merlin Arthur loved and respected from coming forth.
Gwydion put out his hand, but the show of readying for attack was half-hearted at best. After working to heal Merlin for hours, Arthur could comprehend Gwydion’s reluctance to attack and harm his cousin.
“Don’t speak like that to Arthur. You have to calm down, Merlin. Can’t you see this isn’t you? You were human not a moment ago, the change back to being a god has addled your mind, I think.”
“Me, a human?” Merlin said, sounding as if the idea was distasteful to him.
Well Merlin was wasting no time disassociating himself with being a human, Arthur thought unhappily.
This wasn’t the son Hephaestion had raised. Arthur dearly hoped that whatever had overcome Merlin was a temporary problem - that the longer he remained a god and adjusted to the change from human to god, the old Merlin would return.
But this was Muirden’s handiwork. Who the hell knew what that wretched god had in store for Merlin?
Then Merlin seemed to deflate, the anger and tension appeared to leave him. Arthur wished he could help Merlin. But whatever Merlin was dealing with was beyond Arthur’s depth. Even the fact that Merlin seemed to have regained his past life memories - or at least some of them based on his present obsession of regaining his crown - did little to make Arthur feel better about the troubling situation.
“Merlin,” Arthur addressed him quietly. With a pointed look, Gwydion warned him to speak cautiously with Merlin. Arthur got the message. He of course didn’t want to raise Merlin’s ire when currently he seemed to have taken a break from his demands. Would it last? Arthur wasn’t so sure. “How much do you remember of your past life as a god? Do you remember me?”
“I - I… I do, I think,” Merlin said slowly, and then he paled, and blinked.
His eyes had returned to their normal blue. Arthur breathed out a sigh of relief, and he saw Gwydion visibly relax too.
Merlin looked directly at Arthur as if seeing him for the first time; and in a way, he was since this was the first time Merlin had laid eyes on Arthur since he’d been reincarnated. “My nineteen years as a human…those memories are fading away. I’m forgetting them… I can’t… I don’t know what to do…” He said, taking long pauses. He looked lost.
Arthur went to him, embracing him. Merlin returned the hug, but the return pressure was weak as Merlin still seemed to be overwhelmed by the change of situation. But then Merlin’s attention was focused on his neck, he noticed. That was where the lynx marking Merlin’s father had given him was located.
Arthur pulled away quickly. “Merlin…”
Merlin’s eyes returned to an angry gold. “You couldn’t wait, could you?? You whore! I can’t believe you! You couldn’t hold out hope long enough…and here I am back, and you’ve been claimed already! By my own father! How fuckin’ dare you!” Merlin raged, pushing Arthur down to the floor.
Gwydion put himself in between Arthur and Merlin. “Stop it. Now,” he ordered his cousin.
Stubborn as he was, Gwydion wouldn’t let Merlin past him to get to Arthur. Arthur was glad because the accusations Merlin had made hurt. He had done what he thought was the right thing at the time. He had thought there was no way of Merlin returning home as a god. He wanted to insure he was protected in the immortal world, and the claiming gave him that. If Merlin was truly himself, then he would understand Arthur’s need to protect himself.
And if Merlin’s father, the powerful god that he was, offered to put Arthur under his direct protection then Arthur couldn’t refuse. How could he decline an offer from the god he considered like a father to him? He did the polite thing, and what would keep him safe as he continued to call the immortal world his beloved home.
“Arthur isn’t a whore,” Gwydion said, defending Arthur.
“Merlin, please,” Arthur told him earnestly. “I’m being honest when I say this. I’ve been with no one. Your father hasn’t…he hasn’t asked anything of me like that as he knows how much I wanted to be with you first. And we can still have that.”
“Ah, a pathetic virgin. Of course,” Merlin snapped, rolling his eyes.
Arthur wasn’t used to Merlin acting like this. It jarred him yet he continued to carry the hope that this was a temporary obstacle for Merlin. That this would blow over, that things would return to normal.
Merlin told him harshly, “We can’t have that, Arthur. Bloody hell, that’s not how the claiming works. I won’t be able to have you first. The one to claim you, the one whose mark you possess, must take you first. It’s a law. And now you have to live with your own impatience. Because of what you agreed to, you have to live the rest of your life under my father’s thumb. I can never be anything but second-best.”
“You will never be second-best to me.” Arthur assured him resolutely.
“Ha! Let us see what you say this time next year, you poor deluded human,” Merlin shot back in a cold sarcastic voice.
Arthur couldn’t stand how Merlin was speaking to him, as if small doses of hate and disappointment were seeped into each word Merlin spoke.
Then Merlin made a strong push to knock Gwydion down, putting red tendrils of magic behind the attack.
Gwydion quickly concentrated his power and forced Merlin to transform into a stone statue before Merlin could overpower him.
Fortunately Merlin’s recent transformation back into a god was a disadvantage. His body was still adjusting to the extreme change after years - from his perspective - of not having these godly powers. That had to slow him down. Arthur recalled Merlin’s father telling him that Merlin turning back into a god would not be without complications and had the potential to kill him.
It left Merlin mounting an effective magical assault more difficult especially now that Gwydion was prepared for Merlin acting out. Merlin’s initial attack of throwing them back had been unexpected, so Gwydion hadn’t been as ready then.
“Is that true, Gwydion?” Arthur asked him. Merlin’s pronouncement of the law requiring that the one who claimed him, Hephaestion, must have sex with him first, had surprised him. He hadn’t been aware of that particular detail.
Gwydion nodded. “But you shouldn’t worry. My uncle is the god of all magic after all. With all the clout and power he has, he can bend the law a bit for you. He knows that you’d like to be with Merlin first. Some rules are meant to be broken, I say,” he reassured Arthur.
“I hope that’s true now.”
~ * ~
When they had returned, Gwydion lifted his spell and freed Merlin from his stone confines.
Merlin looked unhappy after that, and he sought to apologize to Arthur.
Arthur held up his hand. “Don’t. I know you didn’t mean it. I just hope you get better. You should go see your father.”
“It’s probably just a temporary thing that happens when you change from human to god. It makes you say things you wouldn’t say otherwise,” Gwydion said, though Arthur thought Gwydion’s tone sounded doubtful.
“But Muirden…” Merlin reminded them. “He was directly involved, wasn’t he? I can’t remember the attack too well…those details are fading away along with the other memories of my human life… but we all know how much of a bastard Muirden is. If he had a part to play, then this condition of saying such horrible things might be a real cause of concern.”
“Won’t argue with you there about Muirden. But we need to take one thing at a time,” Arthur said to him. “Just go meet with your father, Merlin. All right?” He attempted to sound reassuring.
“Yeah. You’ll get the help you need,” Gwydion chimed in.
Merlin stared at them, crossing his arms against his chest. “The both of you have the least reassuring faces I’ve ever seen,” He remarked.
“That’s why I never dreamed of being an actor,” quipped Arthur.
“That’s one dream shattered for me,” said Gwydion with a dramatic sigh.
Merlin shook his head, but he luckily relented and went to see his father.
As soon as Merlin had magically disappeared, Arthur shared an uneasy look with Gwydion.
“Why do I have the feeling that wishing hard enough that this will be a temporary problem for Merlin won’t do any good?” Arthur voiced.
Gwydion bit his lip. “Hopefully my uncle will give a clearer picture of the situation to Merlin. And maybe our doubts will be baseless.”
Arthur nodded. Yes, for now, that would have to do.
~ * ~
In one of the palace’s reading rooms, Arthur was reading a book detailing Arthurian legend, a popular story in all the human worlds. Gwydion had given it to him saying that he thought Arthur would like it. So Arthur had been reading it for the last couple of weeks. When he was young, before he was taken to live in the immortal world, he had heard about this tale of Arthur and his knights, and the sorcerer Merlin who mentored him. He had been curious about it, as any boy would be, even more so probably because he shared his name with the mythical King whose life ultimately proved to be a tragedy.
Except now, years later, Arthur thought it didn’t seem right for such a King to have a plain, common name like Arthur. He should have had a grander name, not a name that anyone could have. While he liked the idea of a man named Merlin supporting this King, reminding him of his - Arthur stopped that train of thought.
Thinking about Merlin and how he had changed hurt… and Arthur worried that their friendship wouldn’t be the same again like before the energy storm. Not if Arthur had to be concerned about Merlin harming him, however unintentionally, with his godly powers. Arthur hated having to be wary around Merlin, to be hyperaware of the fact he was only human, and Merlin as a god could take him down if Arthur wasn’t on his guard. It was almost like with Muirden…and hell, Arthur didn’t want to compare Merlin to Muirden. That didn’t help his mood at all.
Arthur turned his attention to Bran. He was on the other side of the room, the side closest to the door, practicing a difficult piece on his harp. Bran had been drawn to playing the string instrument after learning of his birth mother’s talent at it. Arthur remembered Bran’s excitement when he discovered that he was a natural at the harp. That even if he’d never known his mother, at least he had this one thing he shared with her.
“How’s it coming?” Arthur asked him.
Bran gave him a wry smile. “I’m getting there… just need some more time, but my harp is cooperating most of the time…”
“Well you only got that new harp last year,” Arthur reminded him. Bran had received the small golden harp as a present from Gwydion’s father, Arthur remembered. “Understandable you need time to get used to it.”
“Couldn’t have picked a harder piece for that,” Bran quipped with a quick grin. “But this harp is definitely amazing, one of the best. Hmm…let’s see,” he murmured.
Arthur heard him start playing a simpler melody. After hearing Bran practice for years now, Arthur couldn’t help but get a better sense of harp music…being able to tell when a melody was more intricate or of a simpler fare.
When Merlin entered the room, Arthur swore that the tension in the room increased.
“Hi,” Merlin said quietly to Arthur, approaching him after talking with Bran.
Arthur saw Bran’s unease with Merlin. Arthur, along with Gwydion, had relayed to him the details of Merlin speaking so uncharacteristically after he’d been healed and woken up. Arthur almost wished they hadn’t done that because of Bran’s reaction. But Gwydion wasn’t one to keep Bran in the dark, so Arthur had to accept that. And anyway, it was best to be informed ahead of time. Merlin might have another episode and Bran could be his next target. Arthur sincerely hoped that wouldn’t happen.
Arthur gave Merlin a small smile. “Hey. How did the talk with your father go?”
“Not well.” Merlin revealed with a sigh. He sat down across from Arthur, raising his elbows to rest on the table, and he swiped Arthur’s book. He frowned slightly as he skimmed through the book, probably not really reading it, Arthur thought. Maybe he was just looking for something to handle as he spoke to Arthur. Like an anchor to keep him from drifting.
“What did he say?” Arthur asked, uncertain whether he really wanted to, but his blasted curiosity was getting the better of him.
He looked subdued, desperately unhappy. “I informed my father about my problem. He told me that he believes my change back into a god is the cause of my abrupt bouts of unpleasant behavior. It’s not Muirden’s doing.”
“Isn’t that a good thing? Or maybe bad because it doesn’t give me another reason to hate him.”
“I wish it was a good thing,” Merlin said wistfully. “Because now, there is no clear cure for my… condition. This problem I’ll be stuck with for who knows how long. If Muirden had caused it, then we could pressure him to fix it, but now… it’s a real problem.”
“Your father did tell me that you could die from this transformation. At least you’re still alive, that’s good, right?” Arthur brought up in earnest, sounding as hopeful as he could muster.
“Not when I feel so miserable,” Merlin retorted bitterly. “And what’s worse, he said that if I choose to be with you in that way… that there’s the danger I’ll hurt you. That my condition may turn wild and overpower you during sex…and you might lose your free will completely, permanently.”
“Does your father have solid evidence of that?”
“In some texts, yes, a warning is present referring to such an event. I can’t risk it, Arthur. I can’t risk you losing yourself… we just…” Merlin paused, shaking his head.
He rubbed his face with his hands. He set down his hands again. “To make things even better,” he started sarcastically, “I yelled at my father. Just right out yelled at him. I’ve never done that before. I’ve never been in that kind of confrontation with him. I accused him of lying, that he wanted you only for himself. That’s why he was making up these lies about me hurting you. Giving me reasons not to be with you. He did say he’d allow for me to be your first, overruling that law, but when I told him about my condition… my father became more wary, cautious. And Arthur, oh gods, Arthur… I swear I felt so much hate and frustration with him. I want to be with you so much, and now…” Merlin trailed off, sighing and looking trapped in a situation he wished he could be freed from.
“I’m only seventeen, Merlin! There’s still time. You only just returned. This ‘condition’ could be temporary. In a few months maybe, we’ll see how you are, and all this uncertainty will be all for nothing.”
Merlin bit his lip. He looked down at the book in front of him. “This book is all too sad.”
“King Arthur dies in the end.” Arthur said lightly, allowing Merlin to change the subject.
Merlin smiled at him. “Oh no, not that. I meant the part where the sorcerer Merlin gets trapped in a tree. That’s the sad bit.”
Arthur gave him a wry look. “Seriously?”
Merlin shrugged. “Well if not sad then wholly unpleasant,” he said dismissively with a quick grin.
Arthur saw the old Merlin coming back, making him hope that Merlin’s uncharacteristic outbursts were just a bad memory.
Then Merlin gave a long sigh. “You’ll be happier with my father, Arthur… I think that …” he paused.
“Merlin, why are you giving up like this? You just need some rest and time. Don’t sound so defeated!” Arthur nearly demanded of him, not liking how Merlin wasn’t giving himself the chance to get better.
Merlin shook his head. “No, Arthur. You see, the thing is, my father believes that my condition could be permanent. He looked me over magically, and he determined that it wasn’t something I could hope to go away if I wish it hard enough. There may be a treatment, I don’t know…but it’s not every day a human being gets transformed into a god. That’s what I was, Arthur. I had been reincarnated as a human. For these last nineteen years of my life, I was only human…and now I’m back as a god, but I’m not the same god I once was, Arthur. You know that. Don’t deny you have doubts. I can’t be like this, I can’t act this way. I can’t be the proper heir my father needs. I need to be calm, steady, as the next god of all magic. That’s how my father is. He never gets angry, you know that. He never yells without good reason. He just gets disappointed. I used to be like my father, Arthur, before the energy storm… and now whatever I am is something I can’t…I don’t understand it. I hate being this way!” He exclaimed, irritated. He shoved the book off the table in frustration, covering his face with his hands.
Arthur flinched involuntarily at the mention of the energy storm. He still felt guilty for his part in that, however much he hadn’t wanted Merlin to sacrifice himself like that for him. And now Merlin’s very personality was negatively impacted. If Arthur could have stopped Merlin from the sacrifice, he would have. If only he could turn back time…
“Merlin, there’s still time. It’s too soon to be assuming the worst,” Arthur voiced, wanting to inspire some confidence in Merlin.
But his words seemed to fall on deaf ears. “And my father told me it’d be best that I take a while before returning to my official duties. Because of my condition of course.”
“You’ve been through a lot very recently, taking a beating from Muirden and everything. It’s understandable why your father wants you to rest and relax.”
“Yeah, but…” Merlin paused. Then he spoke, sounding nervous now. “Arthur, I think you should go…”
“Merlin, what is it?” Arthur asked in concern.
Merlin looked at him, his eyes a fathomless gold now.
Arthur stood up quickly. “Shit. Merlin, no…”
But Merlin didn’t listen. He shot out his hand and magically threw Arthur back a few feet.
“Bran!” Arthur exclaimed in warning.
But he could already see from across the room, Bran’s eyes were already narrowing. He had seen something was wrong with Merlin.
“Merlin, think of Gwydion…what he’ll say,” Arthur attempted to entreat him hurriedly when Merlin’s gold-eyed gaze settled on Bran.
“Shut up,” Merlin said to him, his face still turned away from him.
Then Arthur felt himself fall unconscious, mildly grateful that he hadn’t had something hard bludgeon him as sleep conquered him. It was too fast, he couldn’t stop it. He hoped Bran would be able to avoid Merlin. Arthur practiced sword fighting and other fighting skills with him, so he felt assured that Bran was good enough to defend himself. Or at least run for it because it was foolish for a human to take on a god, especially one as angry as Merlin was now.
~ * ~
Final part of The Calm Before The Murder