god this sucks...
yea long time huh? well alotta things have gone down, mainly between me and melissa.
~this is a long entry, and it says exactly how i feel. if u r worried about exactly wat that is, then dont read. melissa i no this might make u upset, but i realy cant keep it in anymore~
vanentines day was good, her gift (vermont teddy bear) showed up and she loved it. and i got in retearn the pic of us at christmas time.(first time for that)
i remember bein realy happy, new classes were not to bad. had one w/ melissa and sherman which is awsome, and i wwas thinkin i can realy turn around myself and become a good student. i was also happy w/ all my friends(but as i look back i guess melissa was right) and most importantly i loved every min w/ melissa.
vacation rolled around and it was needed, i figured it was good to spend time w/ melissa and she seemed as eager as i was. i started to feel some weird pressure in my head like somethin form a cold... if i only took care of it and notice it was a warning.
well the sat at the end of vaca was horrible, melissa was on the verge of dumping me, but i asured her that we will be fine as long as my pain in my head went away.
sunday i woke up to a worried feeling... talking w/ melissa wasnt the same, i could tell something was wrong. throughtout the day my head felt worse and worse and finaly everything caved in. melissa said she wanted us to "break" which was exactly wat my heart did. i found myself crying nonstop as i watched our whole relationship spriel into nothing. i thought it wasnt real... this couldnt be happening.
monday i skiped school... i couldnt face melissa, i woulda lost control and i didnt feel like crying in class. the whole day i slept, and all my dreams were odd. some depicted melissa comming back, others depiced people from my past. when everyone was back from school, i tried to talk to melissa like i was ok, that everything was fine. but 5min into our convo i was balling my eyes out. i tried talkin to karen again, but it wasnt working. i got in my dads car with a death wish, cause thats all i wanted to die and not deal w/ these feelings. a snow storm ensured that i couldnt drive recklessly and prob saved my life.
after my ride i came back to talking to melissa, at this point i had no tears left. to my surprise i was able to put my happy mask on and leave on a good note.
tuesday(snow day) i had hopes of melissa... but that wasnt gonna happen. we chatted for a while, and at times(when i thought there was no hope) i would cry, and other i would cling to hope of us together again. i realy cant remember to much of it all, but i rememer goin to be thinkin we had a chance.
wednesday we were back to school. imediatly i felt sick, we felt like we nvr were together.... almost like she was already forgotten. and math wasnt good either. yes i laughed, but inside i was just falling apart, bein w/ melissa and how she acted made me feel like theres no hope, and thats all thats keeping me toghether for now. the rest of the day was horrible w/ every breath of my life felt like a burden to the world. when i left school, i didnt care if i lived or died... and i came pretty close to the second one. i found myself on 106 on the wrong side of the reoad playing chicken. 6 cars had to swerve outta my way before i snaped back and corrected myself. when i got home i was depressed the whole day. when melissa got online i wasnt sure if i should talk or now, but i did... and somehow she was able to boost my spirits. the whole conto confused me... parts seemed like she wanted us back, but others were tyring to hint we had no chance. and now im sitting here wondering where life will go. will it take the road ive been holding onto... or will it move the other way and force me to move on... its so hard when u love someone... and yet their so far away from you
i dont no wats gonna happen... i only know the 2 options.
we somehow rekindle our relationship
or i have to get over wat was lost and start over
i dn wats holding me together, but watever it is it better last.
and i gotta get back on eating again lol, i cant become the scrawny kid
welp, hope this all works out somhow
ray
~this is a long entry, and it says exactly how i feel. if u r worried about exactly wat that is, then dont read. melissa i no this might make u upset, but i realy cant keep it in anymore~
vanentines day was good, her gift (vermont teddy bear) showed up and she loved it. and i got in retearn the pic of us at christmas time.(first time for that)
i remember bein realy happy, new classes were not to bad. had one w/ melissa and sherman which is awsome, and i wwas thinkin i can realy turn around myself and become a good student. i was also happy w/ all my friends(but as i look back i guess melissa was right) and most importantly i loved every min w/ melissa.
vacation rolled around and it was needed, i figured it was good to spend time w/ melissa and she seemed as eager as i was. i started to feel some weird pressure in my head like somethin form a cold... if i only took care of it and notice it was a warning.
well the sat at the end of vaca was horrible, melissa was on the verge of dumping me, but i asured her that we will be fine as long as my pain in my head went away.
sunday i woke up to a worried feeling... talking w/ melissa wasnt the same, i could tell something was wrong. throughtout the day my head felt worse and worse and finaly everything caved in. melissa said she wanted us to "break" which was exactly wat my heart did. i found myself crying nonstop as i watched our whole relationship spriel into nothing. i thought it wasnt real... this couldnt be happening.
monday i skiped school... i couldnt face melissa, i woulda lost control and i didnt feel like crying in class. the whole day i slept, and all my dreams were odd. some depicted melissa comming back, others depiced people from my past. when everyone was back from school, i tried to talk to melissa like i was ok, that everything was fine. but 5min into our convo i was balling my eyes out. i tried talkin to karen again, but it wasnt working. i got in my dads car with a death wish, cause thats all i wanted to die and not deal w/ these feelings. a snow storm ensured that i couldnt drive recklessly and prob saved my life.
after my ride i came back to talking to melissa, at this point i had no tears left. to my surprise i was able to put my happy mask on and leave on a good note.
tuesday(snow day) i had hopes of melissa... but that wasnt gonna happen. we chatted for a while, and at times(when i thought there was no hope) i would cry, and other i would cling to hope of us together again. i realy cant remember to much of it all, but i rememer goin to be thinkin we had a chance.
wednesday we were back to school. imediatly i felt sick, we felt like we nvr were together.... almost like she was already forgotten. and math wasnt good either. yes i laughed, but inside i was just falling apart, bein w/ melissa and how she acted made me feel like theres no hope, and thats all thats keeping me toghether for now. the rest of the day was horrible w/ every breath of my life felt like a burden to the world. when i left school, i didnt care if i lived or died... and i came pretty close to the second one. i found myself on 106 on the wrong side of the reoad playing chicken. 6 cars had to swerve outta my way before i snaped back and corrected myself. when i got home i was depressed the whole day. when melissa got online i wasnt sure if i should talk or now, but i did... and somehow she was able to boost my spirits. the whole conto confused me... parts seemed like she wanted us back, but others were tyring to hint we had no chance. and now im sitting here wondering where life will go. will it take the road ive been holding onto... or will it move the other way and force me to move on... its so hard when u love someone... and yet their so far away from you
i dont no wats gonna happen... i only know the 2 options.
we somehow rekindle our relationship
or i have to get over wat was lost and start over
i dn wats holding me together, but watever it is it better last.
and i gotta get back on eating again lol, i cant become the scrawny kid
welp, hope this all works out somhow
ray