Antidepressants
I kinna feel like I have failed. I had a total mental collapse on Sun night.. well it actually started mid Sat after 3 cups of coffee. Here is what happened:
Hugo was up and we were gonna make music all day. I was totally stoked for it and all. Unfortunately I was already tired from not getting enuf rest (an effect of antidepressant withdrawl is restlessness and insomnia) and I didnt get high quality sleep on Sat night either. Already fighting off the anxiety, general depression, inability to focus, etc etc.. my mind just collapsed. My panic attack started by first feeling like I was really tired... I went to lie down but my mind was racing. I tried every trick in the book to stop the upcoming doom. After Hugo left my heart rate went way up I felt like my head was gonna explode, I was sweating like a pig and I kept thinking I was gonna have a heart attack (yeah Im a hypocondriac [sp?]). I successfully calmed down by watching tv (mental distraction) and drinking a lot of water.
But then bang! For no reason I started crying like a baby. Cool people were winning Emmys on TV and in my mind I was logically happy but emotionally sad and feelings of hopelessness and dispair overwhelmed me. If I ever wanted to know what pure chemical depression was I got slapped in the face with it. Hugo was a good friend to lean on and I took his advice and just let it all out. Sure we all have things to cry about if we focus on them and lose perspective, but in my mind what broke the back was seeing that I had not been able to really make it over a 1.5 weeks off antidepressants (I had successfully tapered to 5mg from 20mg for the record). I knew what I had to do and called Walgreens. I dont have insurance so after spending $102 I got a two month supply (20mg/2... I might go back down to 5mg but I need a fucking kick start).
I took 10mg at noon and by 5pm was showing signs of sharper focus, was much more calm, decreased general/social anxiety, and didnt feel like there was a knot in my stomach and something on my chest. By midnight I actually felt like myself. Its like almost 2 and Im about to go to bed and I really think this will be a good nights sleep san sleeping pills. It appears that yes... I have been set back in my goal to rid myself of antis but for the sake of the greater goal of better health, I have taken a step in the direction I need to be right now.
For all those who have been around me the past several weeks all I can say is I AM SORRY FOR BEING SO BITCHY - it was so much so from coming off the antidepressants.
ok Im effin tired but wanted to express all that...
Hugo was up and we were gonna make music all day. I was totally stoked for it and all. Unfortunately I was already tired from not getting enuf rest (an effect of antidepressant withdrawl is restlessness and insomnia) and I didnt get high quality sleep on Sat night either. Already fighting off the anxiety, general depression, inability to focus, etc etc.. my mind just collapsed. My panic attack started by first feeling like I was really tired... I went to lie down but my mind was racing. I tried every trick in the book to stop the upcoming doom. After Hugo left my heart rate went way up I felt like my head was gonna explode, I was sweating like a pig and I kept thinking I was gonna have a heart attack (yeah Im a hypocondriac [sp?]). I successfully calmed down by watching tv (mental distraction) and drinking a lot of water.
But then bang! For no reason I started crying like a baby. Cool people were winning Emmys on TV and in my mind I was logically happy but emotionally sad and feelings of hopelessness and dispair overwhelmed me. If I ever wanted to know what pure chemical depression was I got slapped in the face with it. Hugo was a good friend to lean on and I took his advice and just let it all out. Sure we all have things to cry about if we focus on them and lose perspective, but in my mind what broke the back was seeing that I had not been able to really make it over a 1.5 weeks off antidepressants (I had successfully tapered to 5mg from 20mg for the record). I knew what I had to do and called Walgreens. I dont have insurance so after spending $102 I got a two month supply (20mg/2... I might go back down to 5mg but I need a fucking kick start).
I took 10mg at noon and by 5pm was showing signs of sharper focus, was much more calm, decreased general/social anxiety, and didnt feel like there was a knot in my stomach and something on my chest. By midnight I actually felt like myself. Its like almost 2 and Im about to go to bed and I really think this will be a good nights sleep san sleeping pills. It appears that yes... I have been set back in my goal to rid myself of antis but for the sake of the greater goal of better health, I have taken a step in the direction I need to be right now.
For all those who have been around me the past several weeks all I can say is I AM SORRY FOR BEING SO BITCHY - it was so much so from coming off the antidepressants.
ok Im effin tired but wanted to express all that...