(no subject)
I'm only writing this because I feel compelled to, not because it's important or significant or even that it relates to anyone but me. Yeah, I guess, it's just about me.
Auditions for Ash Girl were amazing, and not "ohmigodthatwasgood" but a truly amazing personal experience which, right now at least, has completely awed and inspired me, which I don't think happens very often. It was just three days but it seemed so... epic, I guess is the word. I didn't do very well, at all actually.
The first audition was so odd. It was funny, but not in a good theatre sort of way, more like sad funny that Judy and friends misinterpreted as hilarious. A Slothworm monologue "memorized" in about ten to twenty minutes mixed with my body's unusual and frantic response to pressure somehow made it. I know that it was really only based on past their past experiences with me, but I won't lie, it did feel good. Part one complete.
First wave: seven deadly sins. I sucked
(suck in terms of this audition= no bold choices, so sticking to these non- existent choices, no full commitment to these choices or development of these ideas from the choices, because well, there were no bold choices to begin with.)
I learned a lot. too much. not enough to fix me right away and too much to deny. just the shittiest combination possible. I learned how much I don't jump, something I always thought was not a problem, something that kind of disturbed me. Time again it was "how high?". (I'm discovering I like to write in a very roundabout way, both annoying and usually about a cliche. CHECK THE RHYME SKILZZ). The biggest and hardest part of that audition was being in theatre long enough to recognize when someone else did something really good. and not normal recognizable good, but qualities in a theatre worker, qualities in themselves, qualities that are needed and can't be taught fast enough for someone to learn them from scratch, I saw it everywhere. Well actually, not where I was standing. Nothing. nada. no qualities came or showed through my thick head pounding at the sight of so many successful comrades. Many of which were unconscious that they were doing it which (Ooooooo...) made it worse.
Second Wave: straight characters
I got to play Amir.
I knew I loved it when I loved it even when I sucked hard. And suck hard I did, but this suck did not come across as I wish it would have, because in my mind I was sucking even harder, and enjoying every second. It was wonderful, simply wonderful.
I also had to play the father. I sucked at that too, but differently.
It was all in my head, no feeling, no nothing. robotic in analysis and delivery. I pray to god that they recognized that, I hope I didn't fool them. It's not that it would make me be a better actor to do Amir, it would just make a different actor. I felt something real when I played him, even if it didn't come across, I felt it. Father is all in my head, it is where I've been for a long time, and if I was "better" I could make him feel too, and have him be just as real inside me. Amir, I feel, would give me a chance to go where I want. I don't think I've ever felt such a connection to a character, not an understanding, but a connection. It has left me now with inspiration and a desire, which probably won't come to full fruition, but even if it doesn't, I don't care, this was worth it.
I'll take whatever I get, father, amir, nothing or misc. because I trust that group of people enough to know that they are giving everything to this, and right now that means casting. They are giving as much as I want to give to this production right now, literally right now. Unfortunately though, right now it's eating me up, and what has propelled me to write a million year long and entirely incomplete essay that doesn't "relates to anyone but me".
thanks/suckstabeyou if you read the whole thing. I sincerely hope you just skimmed or just found a few lines that stood out. I'm tired, and ready for bed, but I don't know if I can sleep.
note: I wrote this last night, but it wouldn't post. c'est la vie.