Falling Until They Were Gone
(chankai, side!krisbaek, pg13, 3159wc, drama/angst, AU)
Everything was beautiful and I guess, we had it really really easy up until that point, and we took it for granted. We were perfect. You were perfect. Until you weren't anymore.
wanrings (highlight to read): tragic
disclaimer: inspired by this and my weird feels
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falling until they were gone
We fell in love in high school. It was already senior year when we got into the same class for the first time and something immediately clicked between us. And now I should probably be remembering how we slowly fell in love, how we hesitatingly held hands for the first time and had an awkward first date and a sloppy first kiss, but really,that's not how it was between us. We became friends, just like that and just like that we started making out one day because it felt right and probably also because we were horny teenagers. Somehow we started to call that thing we had a relationship and that's basically how we lived for seven years. There were never any obstacles to overcome, non of us made a deal about being in a relationship with a man, our parents didn't complain when they found out about us, just like your friends didn't. Everything was so easy. When we got into college, we moved into a dorm-room together and it was so cramped, we had to sleep in a single-person bed together. Not that it bothered us much because we were always over each other anyway. But when you got your first job we were finally able to move into that huge place right by the side of a river. Remember how I told you that I wanted to be able to fly like those birds? It was the day we moved in our new place together and I spent an hour just looking out of the small round window facing the river behind the yard and it felt like a dream. Birds were flying by the river and then past it and falling fast, so fast, disappearing behind that line of trees until I couldn't see them anymore. Falling until they were gone. You loved that place, not as much as I did, though, because every time you called it “our love nest” - and you would always show me that toothy grin - I liked it so much, a shiver went through my body. Those were the times when I realized how good we had it, how lucky I was for having you and how much I really loved you.
Everything was beautiful and I guess, we had it really easy up until that point and we took it for granted. We were perfect. You were perfect. Until you weren't anymore.
The first time I noticed that something was wrong was when you came home from work one evening, chin pressed to your chest and sobbing. You have no idea how shocked I was. I had seen you cry a bunch of times before that but the way you had flinched away when I tried to hug you and ask what was wrong, showed me that this was more serious, that this was something you couldn't talk about. And from then on things just started getting worse. Sometimes you would start crying all of a sudden and every time I tried to comfort you it just got worse. At some point you started screaming at me, telling me that I should stop being so nice all the time and get angry at you. I had no idea what you were talking about at that time but now I guess it made a lot of sense. Sometimes I caught you watching me and at first I would smile and think that you were watching me like you used to in high school, in the middle of class just to tell me how beautiful I was and how much you liked the dark tone of my skin or the way I smiled at you, but it didn't take me long to notice that your eyes were different from that time. They were cold. And tired. And sorry. I don't know which one of those was the worst.
The day you finally told me what was going on, I was relieved but I wanted to kill myself at the same time. I was relieved because the secret behind your strange behaviour had finally been lifted but I wanted to kill myself because you told me that you had fallen out of love with me and I had never even thought of this possibility. The realization of what that meant hit me so hard that I couldn't breathe for a second. Everything we had was over and you would go away and I would not have you in my life anymore, but someone else would at some point and the thought of that was so unbearable. I seriously thought about jumping out of that window I loved so much, right at that moment, for you to see. But then you started crying, saying that you are sorry and that it was not my fault and that you fell for some weird guy called Baekhyun and I marked that name into my brain, hating him even though I'd never seen him before. You wanted me to hit you and when I didn't react you took my hand and slapped it in your face and I could see it in your gaze that you really wanted me to beat you up because the way I was staring at you silently, not knowing what to say or do, probably made you feel even more sorry than you already were at that moment. That's when you started crying even more and suddenly you were telling me about that Baekhyun guy and how you really loved him but he was already in a relationship with some other guy who was taller than you and I really didn't understand why you were telling me that. I really didn't know at that time but I think I was too out-of-my-mind to care anyway.
You left that evening, taking only a few things you needed for work the next day. You told me that you'd be back in a few days to get the rest of your stuff and I just stood there silently, watching you leave. And somehow you managed to move your stuff completely out of our apartment when I was at work and that was the day I came home to an half-empty wardrobe and half a cup of black coffee you had left on the kitchen table. Did I ever tell you that I kept that cup of coffee standing there for weeks in the hope you would come back one day and drink the rest of it? I was being so stupid, I know.
After our breakup I had a hard time getting used to being alone. I had been with you for so many years, I had not slept alone in a bed for almost as many and I was miserable. The thought of you lying in bed somewhere else, thinking about another guy and maybe crying because of him made me toss and turn for hours and sleep would only come to me once I'd cried until my eyes and head hurt too much to continue. The first few months were the worst and I only started to get better because Kyungsoo forced me to let him move in, sharing our old bed and cooking meals for me that were about ten times tastier than the ones you had cooked but still didn't manage to make me smile. He had lied about needing a place to stay and having been kicked out by his roommate Jongdae, which was ridiculous because we all know that Jongdae hated being alone, but I guess Kyungsoo had figured that I needed him more than Jongdae did. And he was right. I don't know what I would have done if it wasn't for Kyungsoo. I don't know if I would be here writing this now. I don't know if I would have been able to start to get over you and go out again to meet other guys and try to fall in love again. Not that I was able to get over you that quick but I had stopped crying and feel like my heart was ripping apart just at the thought of you. When we met again, and you saw me kissing that guy in the bar and turned your head the moment I noticed you staring, I felt like I wanted to jump out of that window again. There you were and you had noticed me. I should have probably ignored you but you know exactly that I've always been weak to your stares. So I walked over to you, having had a few beers already, and stopped in front of you just to catch you looking back at me with those eyes. And then we kissed and it felt so wrong. Everything we did that night felt wrong and even though I had you back I hated it. I was lonelier then ever, knowing that I was doing it with the man who had left me for someone else and was now just getting back together with me because he hadn't landed with that other guy and knew that I would take him back any time at any place because I still loved you so much and I would always. Will always.
The next morning I woke up, you weren't next to me and I was so thankful. I felt empty but I was thankful because I would not have been able to send you away but it would have been the only right thing to do. When I walked into the kitchen, though, you were there, sipping on a cup of coffee and smiling at me and I had to think about the last time you had sat there and drunk your coffee just to leave it there and never turn up again. That's when I screamed at you for the first time in my life. To get out and never come back. To go see that Baekhyun guy and get the fuck out of my life and the I at that moment really couldn't have cared less about your feelings. You were watching me throw a tantrum silently, taking in my screams and when I punched you in the face you fell to the ground just to stand up again and get punched again and again and when I started crying and screaming and shoving your out of the door, even though you were only wearing your boxers, I was considering throwing you down those stairs because I wanted you to disappear for good. Because if I had no more place in your life, you would not have any in mine. I didn't even notice Kyungsoo who had slept on the couch and was watching the whole thing happening and when he suddenly grasped me by the shoulders to stop me from shoving and hitting you and screaming my name, telling me to stop or else I would kill you, I just screamed back it's Chanyeol who has killed me. That's when you got your clothes and disappeared again not saying a single word to me, just smiling before turning around to close the door behind you. Kyungsoo was stroking my back on the way into the kitchen and I was about to calm down and decide not to give a fuck about you anymore, but then I saw the cup of coffee you had left on the table, again, and I started crying because I realized that I would never be able not to care about you and I had just beat up the person I loved more than myself and had made him feel miserable and I just wanted to throw myself out of that window again and maybe I would have if Kyungsoo hadn't been there to press my snotty nose into his chest and stroke my sweaty hair, telling me Jongin, you will be alright again and again.
At first I didn't feel alright though, and I didn't feel like I would ever get better again. It was worse than the first time you had left me and I feared that the moment I would start getting better, you'd be back making me miserable again, but at the same time I wished that you would come back crawling on your knees, crying and begging me to take you back and tell me that you hadn't been in your right mind and that you had always only loved me and there was nobody called Baekhyun who had stolen you away from me... but it didn't happen. You never came back for me after that and you thought that it was for the best.
Just that I really thought that it wasn't.
It was almost a year after our second separation when I was finally able to go out again, meet new people and try to start a new life. I met that guy called Kris at a bar. He was watching me and he was really handsome and tall and seemed like he had gone through a bad breakup himself and I was not looking for anything serious yet anyway, so I approached him, sitting down next to him and smiled. I'm Jongin I told him and Let's dance which turned out to be a huge mistake because the guy danced like an idiot, just like you. When I finally managed to get him to stop dancing and sit down again, we started talking and getting to know each other. It didn't take me long to realize that he was not the right guy for me because he was silly and silly people reminded me of you and I was still not over you enough to date someone like that. He was nice, though, so we continued talking to each other for a while and after a few drinks he started telling me about his ex and when he told me that his name was Baekhyun, I couldn't believe it. For a moment, I thought that I was cursed and every nice guy would fall in love with someone called Baekhyun, but then he said that his boyfriend had died two weeks ago and that Kris had wanted to kill himself that day but ended up in that bar because he was searching for someone. He told me that Baekhyun had been fighting against leukaemia for two years and just recently lost the battle and that somehow it was funny because he had died the same day the weird guy with the huge ears had and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. Weird guy with huge ears, I asked and then Kris smiled and told me about how Baekhyun and him had gotten to know you when you had visited the cancer ward for the first time, getting your very first treatment and you had been crying so bad, disturbing the whole ward with your loud sobs because you were terrified of dying and leaving someone important. Kris told me the both of you had spent a lot of time together and suddenly Kris was looking at me in a weird way and I realized something. You knew I was going to be here, didn't you, I asked him and Kris just smiled. The one you needed to find was me, and then he looked so sad all of a sudden while tracing fingers through his hair. That's when Kris started telling me how he had gone to visit you everytime he had been too sad to face Baekhyun because everybody already knew that Baekhyun would not make it and Kris was just waiting for him to die on him. Kris had spent so many hours crying next to you, being comforted by you and telling you that there was nothing worse than watching your love die and that's when Kris started apologizing to me because he was sure that it was his fault that you had broken up with me. Because you didn't want me to suffer like Kris was. I just listened to Kris from then on; stories of how you had been doing great at the beginning and that there had been a time when the doctors had told you that you were going to make it after all and you had been released from the hospital, but it had only lasted a month when you suddenly got way worse again but continued fighting your battle all alone just to die alone and miserable the same day as Baekhyun, telling Kris shortly before that at least, I won't leave anybody behind, with a smile on your face.
Just that it was not true.
Kris put a thumb to my cheek, wiping away tears while crying himself and whispering that he's sorry and that he doesn't know how to console me because he feels like dying and nothing really seemed to matter anymore. We spent that evening together, mostly crying and drinking and some more crying and drinking.
It's been two months since then and I don't know what happened to Kris after that. I never saw him again. I don't know if he really did kill himself, like he had planned all along, but the moment he left, drying the last of his tears, he seemed so peaceful. Too peaceful.
I know what I did, though. I went home, our home and sat down at your spot at the kitchen table and waited for you to come home. But you didn't. I waited for you to call. But you didn't. I waited for something. But nothing came. Then I started calling your old phone number. Nobody picked up. I called your work. You had quit almost two years ago. I called your parents. They hung up the moment I told them who I was. And then I remember how tired you had been in those last few weeks we had been together. How skinny you had become and how often you had disappeared into the bathroom at night, probably crying or throwing up. And it had not been because you had been love sick because of some other guy.
You had always loved me. You had always thought about me. Until your last breathe you had been thinking about my happiness. You had left me for my good. And you had come back to me for your good because you loved me and wanted to be with me but I had just abandoned you when you needed me most and you had still been smiling when I hit you and thought about killing you. You had smiled the whole time. And then you had left. And died. And now that I am writing this for nobody to read I am thinking about jumping out of that window again. “Love nest” you had called this place but everything about it makes me impossibly sad and finally I know what to do.
Remember how I told you that I wanted to be able to fly like those birds?
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the end
i apologize for this piece of... i don't even know what to call it. i have no idea what i was thinking when i wrote this. i just had a lot of feels and started writing, not really planning to go anywhere with this, but then it actually turned into smth and i thought why not publish it.
*huge thanks to my beta nima :D
i hope you liked it and it wasn't a waste of your time. i'd be great if you could leave me a comment if you enjoyed reading this^^