The Day Before
(broken!xiuhan, pg13, angst/drama, nonAU, oneshot)
They don't even leave him alone for a few seconds, and Luhan has no idea why.
When he's in his room reading, Yifan would sit on his bed with a magazine or his iPhone, which is so unlike Yifan because he's usually at Tao's or Lay's. When he takes a minute too long for his shower or his business, someone would start knocking on the door like crazy, asking why he's not finished yet.
They watch his every step.
And Luhan has no idea why.
warnings (highlight to read): very tragic...
disclaimer: kind of inspired by/based on this (asdfghjklasrghklhgv-) and a bit on this.
__
The Day Before
Again, someone walks in on him watching that video. This time, it is their leader Yifan.
At first, Yifan doesn't see Luhan sitting on the floor in front of the TV, but when he witnesses the scene of Luhan searching for the remote and hitting the pause button in panic, he can't help but grin a little.
Luhan smiles a tiny little embarrassed smile, hoping that Yifan wouldn't ask him what he had been watching. To Luhan's surprise, the taller guy just says, "Don't dirty the floor," and leaves the room again after grabbing his jacket.
Luhan realizes a second later what this must have looked like. He waits until he hears the apartment door open, footsteps and mumbling, and the sound of the door closing again.
Luhan doesn't care what Yifan thinks, he is just glad that Yifan didn't bother to ask him to go with them. Sighing, he points the remote to the TV again, finger already on the play button, but the sound of someone knocking on the apartment door and shouting his name stops him.
It's Yifan and he's forgotten his keys.
"Well, I know you're really busy but how about you postpone your little fun time with your hand and go out with us instead?" he says, grinning a bit, but still being cautious with Luhan, just like he always is.
"Not this time," Luhan smiles and passes his leader the keys. "Have fun."
Yifan doesn't complain and leaves without another word, just a knowing grin on his lips, and Luhan wishes he'd always be able to convince his leader to leave him alone that easy.
~
It's Christmas and the M members are sitting in front of a huge tree, decorated in red and golden baubles, when Tao starts crying all of a sudden and nobody has to ask why. They keep quiet and Luhan watches Lay pet the maknae's head for a while. Lay's eyes, though, are carefully watching him.
He doesn't feel like crying.
They unpack their presents slowly, Jongdae being louder than usual, obviously trying to cheer the group up... in vain. Everyone, except the korean member, has fallen into that awfully oppressive silence and not even his ambiguous remarks about his christmas balls can ease the tension.
When Luhan unwraps the present from Yifan, he has to smile, squishing the light brown deer plush toy in his hands. He already has about two hundred of those, but it only takes him a second to decide that he likes this one best.
"Thanks," he says sincerely, looking at their leader, who is smiling at him. "I like the color of its fur," and he doesn't have to say more. Everybody knows why.
It's the color of his eyes.
Yifan's smile slowly fades looking at the toy and realizing how right Luhan is, but then he looks back up from the plushie, watching Luhan with worry in his eyes.
"You really like it?" Yifan asks slowly.
Luhan, feeling the members' eyes watching him, answers, "Mhm. It's beautiful." He sits the small animal on his lap, meaning every word.
He doesn't know why, but the members didn't smile any more that day.
~
They return home after recording a Chinese television show one afternoon, Tao and Jongdae complaining about how tired they are when Luhan sacrifices himself for the group and volunteers to make some food for them.
They only have a few servings of rice and some kimchi left so he decides to cook an easy and fast meal, putting everything in a pan and frying it. He adds two extra spoonfuls of soy sauce automatically before realizing that he's still making the dish to fit Minseok's taste, like he had in their trainee days.
Luhan smiles and stirs the rice well.
“Need any help?” Jongdae shouts, his voice booming throughout the whole apartment.
Luhan shouts back that he's almost done.
He starts to chop some more spring onions for decoration and for a split-second he sees his reflection on the shiny silver knife and thinks there's a red spot right beneath his mouth. He's not sure though. Using its mirror-like surface, he brings the kitchen tool closer to his chin. But before he can find the red spot for a second time, someone grabs his wrist forcefully and the knife is ripped out of his hand. Luhan nearly slips and barely holds on to the edge of the counter to regain his balance.
Jongdae, who's holding the confiscated knife, looks at him in horror and Luhan has no idea what's going on.
“What the hell?” he asks in confusion and keeps on looking at Jongdae, waiting for an explanation.
“What were you doing?” Jongdae counters with his own question, his eyes wide and his face pale.
Luhan doesn't get it.
“What the hell were you doing?” Jongdae asks again, this time in a near-hysterical voice.
And Luhan sees something like fear in his friend's eyes but before he can answer, Yifan enters the kitchen, probably having heard Jongdae's loud voice. He looks panicked as well.
“What's going on?”
“I have no idea,” Luhan just answers and, after looking at Jongdae in confusion for a few more seconds, snatches the knife back from Jongdae and continues chopping.
Luhan decides to drop the subject.
He hears Yifan call Jongdae over. They talk. From the corner of Luhan's eyes, he sees Yifan looking shocked at whatever the hell Jongdae was telling him.
A minute later, Yifan is standing by his side, Jongdae having gone to call the other guys to eat.
Luhan feels Yifan watching him.
“I don't need help, I'm almost done,” Luhan says, smiling at Yifan as he takes out five plates.
Yifan doesn't leave his side and continues watching him.
For the next few days, they don't leave him alone for even a second, and Luhan has no idea why. When he's in his room reading, Yifan would sit on his bed with a magazine or his iPhone, which is so unlike Yifan because he's usually at Tao's or Lay's.
When he takes a minute too long for his shower or his business, someone would start knocking on the door like crazy, asking why he's not finished yet.
They watch his every step.
And Luhan has no idea why.
He finally understands a few weeks later.
When he hears someone say his name through the slightly-opened door of the kitchen, Luhan ignores it. He doesn't want to listen. He just wants to go back to his room and continue reading his book. He has already turned around when Tao's almost-sob makes him stop anyway.
"He is not going to kill himself, is he?" he hears the maknae say and an angry Yifan is shushing him to be quiet a second later.
"Don't you dare say something like that again!" the older male admonishes Tao.
Luhan steps closer to the door to look through the small gap and he sees Yifan's eyes.
Despite the harsh tone of his voice, Yifan looks scared.
"But... he is so different. He's just changed so much since then. And he's not crying. Why is he not crying?" Tao tries to argue.
"That is a good thing. He is getting over it! And you should too. We all should."
"Ge... ," Tao says slowly, after taking a long pause, as if choosing his words carefully. "He is not getting over it."
Those words take Luhan by surprise so he stares at Tao this time, trying to figure out what he meant by that. He doesn't understand.
"What do you mean?" Yifan asks him, voice very quiet, but it doesn't sound like a question.
Yifan doesn't seem to be waiting for an answer either when Tao says, horror in his voice, "He is slowly fading away... and I don't think he has noticed."
Luhan leaves the two alone at that point and makes sure to close the door to his shared-room quietly. As he sits down on his bed and picks up the book he was reading before, he feels that heavy... heavy something threatening to take over. He has no idea what it is. He doesn't want to find out.
Luhan sits back and continues reading, smiling at a funny scene and laughing out loud at an even funnier one.
~
"Luhan, let's get some bubble tea," Sehun calls from the hallway, probably already putting on his coat and shoes, and Luhan drops his book.
K has come to visit them in China, after being apart for two months.
He goes out with Sehun and Jongin and they find a nice table somewhere in the corner of Luhan's favorite bubble tea shop where they will go unnoticed by fans if they're lucky.
Luhan listens to Jongin telling them the story about how he got beaten up and locked into a cupboard for hours after playing a prank on Kyungsoo.
"I felt like Harry Potter,” he says laughing and takes a sip from Sehun's bubble tea, which results in the two of them fighting and bickering over whose bubble tea Jongin is allowed to take a sip from and from whose he isn't. Apparently, Luhan's drink is a yes so the oldest of the group finds himself with only a few sips left after twenty minutes not having taken a single one himself.
"So how are you doing, hyung?" Jongin asks all of a sudden and Luhan knows that he isn't necessarily referring to what happened to Minseok, but he thinks about his answer anyway. Maybe a little too long, because he can sense his dongsaengs getting worried, glee leaving their eyes.
"I'm fine," he says smiling. They don't seem convinced.
Maybe he should try crying. Would that make them happier?
"Are you?" Sehun asks but leaves no time for Luhan to answer, obviously realizing that Luhan is sick of that question. "Well, that's good then. Let me tell you about last week, when I accidentally put Chanyeol's hand into a bucket of warm water and he peed himself in his sleep."
"Accidentally?" Luhan asks laughing and the maknae's evil grin tells him that it was everything but that.
~
When he comes home from vocal training a bit later than the other M members, he finds them waiting for him in the living room, a stranger sitting in their midst who is looking at Luhan with a subtle smile.
"Hi, you must be Luhan," the stranger says, standing up to shake his hand.
Luhan is about to say, You must have seen me on TV before so yes, obviously, I must be Luhan, but he stops himself and just smiles back at the stranger.
"I am Dr. Cho. I am here to talk to you about what happened to your friend."
The others watch him carefully and Luhan is a bit surprised, but then nods.
"Just me?" he asks and wonders for a moment why they decided to call a shrink after a year, just for him. The other members have been affected by it as well.
"Just you," Dr. Cho confirms and points at the seat in front of him for Luhan to sit down.
Luhan does as he's told. He watches his members' eyes as he makes his way to the chair and only then does it occur to him that they must have called Dr. Cho because they were still worried about him.
He suddenly remembers that talk between Tao and Yifan.
Dr. Cho takes off his glasses and looks at Luhan with a really stern expression.
"So I heard from your friends that Minseok committed suicide a year ago."
Again, Luhan is surprised by the sudden confrontation with that subject, because they had hushed up about it for months, but then he nods anyway.
The other members leave the room at Dr. Cho's request.
"So your friend took his own life," Dr. Cho repeats as soon as they are alone and Luhan nods once more.
"Will you tell me when and how exactly it happened?"
"It was almost a year ago, two months before our debut. He drank poison." Luhan still has no idea how Minseok had gotten hold of it and he doesn't care either. He expects Dr. Cho to ask him about that next, but he doesn't.
"And I heard that you were with him when he took the poison?"
Luhan nods.
"And you were with him when he passed?"
He nods again.
Dr. Choi doesn't say anything and just stares at Luhan.
The members had probably already told him everything before he had returned home so Luhan wonders why he has to tell him again.
"And I heard that he was not just a friend."
At this, Luhan's eyes grow wider.
"How..."
"Your friends told me. They told me that you and Minseok were in love. How long had you been going out?"
"Oh, ehm... two years," he says still a bit shocked that they had told him that much. Nobody except for the members even knew that he was in relationship with Minseok and he didn't think that would ever change.
"Can I ask you another question?" Dr. Cho puts his glasses back on and just continues talking. "If you were with him, why didn't you stop him?"
"Because I couldn't," he answers truthfully.
Dr. Cho continues to ask him some more questions about that day and Luhan tells him almost everything he knows and answers even the very private questions about the depth of their relationship.
After fifty minutes, their session is over and before Dr. Choi leaves he goes to see Yifan in their shared-room. Luhan waits in the living room, trying to figure out why the members would go behind his back and call a therapist for him.
Why were they that worried? He was fine.
When the apartment door closes behind Dr. Cho, Yifan steps into the living room.
Luhan still doesn't get what's going on.
Their leader is crying and even if this is not the first time Luhan has seen him cry, it feels so different than the other times when Yifan had been sad about missing his mother or not getting enough beauty sleep.
Yifan whispers his name, tears welling down his face. Even though he still has no idea what's going on, Luhan hugs the tall crying mess anyway.
"It's okay," Luhan says, starting to get that weird feeling again.
"No, it's not," the taller one sobs and Luhan just repeats himself over and over again. Yifan continues answering "no, it's not" every time.
"You're not okay."
That night, Luhan lies in bed for a long time, thinking about everything that has happened after Minseok's suicide.
For the first time since Minseok's death, he starts to wonder...
Tao is right, he hasn't cried once.
Maybe he really isn't okay.
~
He starts to laugh and smile more often when he is around his members. He does it so they won't worry about him, but it only takes him a few days to notice that he achieved the exact opposite. They are becoming more and more cautious around him, nobody mentioning Minseok, and every time he does, they stare at him and wait for him to burst into tears or whatever the hell they are expecting him to do.
And then they start asking him if he's fine multiple times a day. He tells them yes every time because he is.
It's getting quite annoying, so he stops. He doesn't mention Minseok anymore and he doesn't laugh around them either and as weird as it sounds, it seems to work.
Slowly, things start to return to normal.
It is the sixth time Luhan has watched that video this week and it is only Thursday. The recent events and Dr. Cho making him talk about Minseok twice a week for hours have started to make him think about him more. He has even started looking at old pictures on his phone again, the ones he had taken with Minseok years ago.
Luhan tries to cry because apparently that's what everyone is expecting him to do. He really tries. He listens to sad music and thinks about how happy he was with Minseok by his side, but nothing happens. Not a single tear falls from his eyes. He doesn't even feel sad.
He doesn't feel like he has lost the most precious person in his life.
He doesn't know what he feels.
He doesn't even know if he feels.
~
Getting the news a few weeks after Christmas, they start to prepare for their first comeback, together with K, and everyone is very excited.
Luhan and the other vocalists have been called to special training. They are supposed to learn how to write songs and lyrics professionaly by themselves, finally.
"Write about something that's on your mind. It doesn't necessarily have to be about something serious. Just something that you have an emotional bonding with," the female teacher tells them but her obvious attempt to flirt with Jongdae throughout the whole meeting makes it hard for the other members to take her seriously.
"For example," she starts, looking at Kyungsoo. "Is there something that's been bothering you lately?"
Kyungsoo doesn't really think about it when he says, "Jongin and Sehun have been driving me crazy. I want to kill them sometimes."
"Anger! That's right," the woman says, apparently delighted. "What about you?" she askes Jongdae and when he answers that he's been feeling kind of lonely lately, Baekhyun and Kyungsoo start to giggle.
"What about you?" she finally asks Luhan and he thinks for a moment, not coming up with anything though.
"Well, I haven't really been feeling much lately," he says matter-of-factly and suddenly he senses his members growing uncomfortably stiff around him.
"Nothing that's made you especially mad, sad or happy?"
He thinks again. His book makes him laugh sometimes but he doesn't really feel emotionally attached to it so he just shakes his head, truthfully.
“Anything you really really wish to do but can't for some reason?”
He thinks again and suddenly knows.
“Actually, there is.”
The teacher looks at him curiously.
“I'd love to play soccer with Minseok.” It had always been so much fun playing with him because they had both been equally passionate about it. “But I can't because he's gone.”
He has a smile on his lips remembering how Minseok had always forced him to play with him, even in the middle of the night when it was cold and Luhan was tired. One of them would always end up with a serious cold.
“Gone where?” she suddenly asks and Luhan is about to answer when he feels his members looking at him with those eyes again. He looks from one to the other and when he sees that they are suffering from that memory he wonders...
Why isn't he?
“Far away,” Luhan answers. The teacher doesn't seem satisfied, but she doesn't ask again either.
For a second, Luhan swears he feels that heavy something again but, as always, he doesn't let it take over.
When they get the task to try and write some lyrics for the rest of the lesson, Luhan spends the next hour staring at a blank piece of paper, not a single word coming to him.
~
The eleven of them move into a new dorm in Korea and Luhan is stuck with Yifan again but he doesn't really mind. He gets the two of them the largest room.
“I'm tall, I need a room that fits my size,” he says and Luhan wants to smile at that but doesn't and just continues sorting things into some shelves.
He tries to grasp 8 DVDs at the same time with one hand but fails miserably and half of them end up falling to the floor.
Luhan sighs.
When he starts picking them up, he finds a loose disc at his feet and blinks at it confused before realizing what it is.
“Ahh right,” he whispers, turning the disc in his hands.
“What is it?” Yifan asks curiously and for a moment Luhan considers telling him, but then he doesn't.
He waits until Yifan has left the room to eat something in the kitchen before pulling out his laptop and putting the disc into it carefully.
It contains pictures of him and Minseok from the time they had visited Luhan's family in China. He skims through them slowly.
Minseok and Luhan. Smiling.
Luhan. Smiling.
Minseok and Luhan. Smiling.
Minseok and Luhan. Smiling.
Luhan. Smiling.
Minseok. Smiling.
Minseok. Smiling.
Minseok. Smiling.
Minseok and Luhan. Smiling.
He remembers how much he had loved looking at those pictures with Minseok.
Luhan wonders why he'd never realized that none of the pictures shows Minseok's smile reaching his eyes.
Before Luhan can think about it further, Yifan is back and Luhan shuts his laptop close.
~
Weeks later, the vocal line starts recording short songs as practice and while everyone has been able to come up with some kind of lyrics, Luhan hasn't and he feels quite disappointed with himself. He locks himself in his room, trying to force himself to get his head free of any possible distractions and come up with some lyrics but he ends up staring at a blank paper for hours.
He just can't do it. Nothing was doing it for him, nothing was giving him inspiration to write something.
Luhan remembers what the teacher had said in their first lesson.
Think about something you have an emotional connection to.
Write about something that's on your mind.
Luhan thinks that he has a lot of emotional connections and that there are a lot of things on his mind every day, but none of them are worth writing about.
After three hours of scribbling crap about how much he's been missing Kyungsoo's kimchi spaghetti and how cute he thinks Jongin looks in his new pair of pants, he crumples the piece of paper in front of him to a ball and throws it away.
Taking a look at his watch, he decides to go to sleep a little early that day. He puts his PJs on, brushes his teeth and makes his way to bed, then he takes the TV remote and presses play.
Minseok stares at him from the huge screen, a tiny smile on his lips. Luhan smiles back.
"Hi lu ge," the older one says, and Luhan pulls the blanket to his chin, watching Minseok quietly.
"You will probably find this after... you know... I've gone from his world."
Minseok has that little frown on his forehead and Luhan wants to touch it with his fingertip so it disappears like he had always done, but he can't.
"I really have no idea how you are going to handle this, but I guess you will be fine, right? Because you are always just fine."
And there is something bitter in Minseok's voice that makes Luhan wonder what exactly he had meant by that.
It's true that Luhan has been fine, so in one way or another Minseok was right, but...
"Well, whatever. I've been thinking about what to do for you. I could have written you a letter but I don't know... I thought that this might be a nice change?! Anyway, since you are watching this right now it must mean that I am already gone and you are probably sad about that. Well, I hope you are."
Minseok adds that last part jokingly and laughs, but his laughter soon dies down.
Minseok had been a very funny person, but Luhan just can't seem to get that joke.
"With this video... I just wanted to tell you why I did what I did... or why I am going to do what I am going to do tomorrow..."
Minseok pauses, and for the first time the look in his eyes drastically changes.
"There has been a lot of good stuff happening lately. You know, when we got the news that we were going to debut soon, also the preparations and how we've finally moved in with the the other members a few months ago... a lot of stuff happened and it was all really exiting and I'm glad I was able to experience all of that before... you know, before this.
This is really cheesy and I know that every time I say it you pretend that it's nothing special but then you turn around and blush like an idiot, and I guess I am not going to see it this time, but I need to tell you one more time because I'm definitely not going to say it tomorrow.
I really love you, Luhan. I really did love you.
And I know, I should be sorry for leaving you, but... this is just what I have to do. I have to. Our love made my life a lot better than it would have ever been without it, but... it was not enough to save me."
And suddenly, very, very suddenly, Luhan feels that heavy, heavy something in his chest again. That something he's felt creeping up on him so many times but had always somehow managed to suppress before it had been able to take over.
Because he doesn't want it to be there.
Because maybe deep down inside he knew exactly what it would do to him.
"This has nothing to do with you... I've been feeling this for a long time. I've been feeling it even before we met. It is just there and it is not going away and I'm just too tried to try to make it go away by frantically trying to be happy. I feel like leaving is the only way to get rid of it. I feel like... this time I am going to sleep without having to worry about waking up again, with that horrible feeling that makes everything in my life so goddamn meaningless. That feeling that makes everything seem so trivial. Even our happiness. And we did have some happiness, didn't we?"
Minseok is quiet for a few seconds, looking at Luhan through the camera like he is waiting for an answer.
And for the first time... for the very first time.... Luhan feels he understands.
Really understand.
He can't breathe.
The words he has been hearing for months, so many times a week, have for the first time managed to get through to him and the emotions he had lost are coming back, crashing right into Luhan's body and soul.
He can't breathe.
Minseok is gone.
"I guess we did. I'm not sure. I just really... want to go. You probably don't understand, do you? Well, I guess it's pretty hard, took me years to understand what was going on with myself, after all."
No... he understands. For the first time, he does
And he wishes he didn't.
"Anyway... if everything goes to plan, we are going to meet up tomorrow and I am going to do it then... because I want to be with you when it happens. Is that selfish? Yes, it probably is..."
Luhan can't breathe. His lungs feel like they are going to explode, his head feels like it is on fire, his heart is completely out of control, threatening to jump out of his chest.
"Tomorrow when I leave... I want to be with the person I love most. I want your voice to be the last thing I hear. I am going to ask you to sing for me. Sing me to sleep.”
And he had sung for him that day. Sung him to a long-awaited and everlasting sleep.
"I want your eyes to be the last eyes I look into."
They had been.
"I know that it doesn't matter anyway after I'm gone, but to be honest, I'm a bit afraid of it... not of being dead but of the whole dying thing, you know? So I'm glad I'll have you there with me when I leave for a better world.... a better world... there is one, right?"
Minseok looks at him, no question in his eyes.
“... well, there must be-”
And as usual the video ends after that sentence. All of a sudden.
Minseok's mouth still open tells Luhan that he was going to say something more but for some reason the video was cut after that.
Luhan looks at Minseok, the lips he had kissed so often curled into a bit of a smile and the eyes he had looked into every day, looking right back at him.
Minseok is gone.
He can't breathe.
He feels like he is going to explode. His heart... everything... it hurts so much and he has no idea how to make it stop. It just won't stop.
It just won't stop!
Luhan thinks of screaming for help, but how would anyone be able to help him. How?
With Minseok gone.
For the first time he understands every single word Minseok had said. Why he had wanted Luhan to be there with him, despite knowing that it was selfish of him.
Luhan wishes... he wishes that Minseok was there with him as well. Right in that moment. So he could make that horrible feeling stop. In one way or another.
Make everything stop.
But Minseok was gone.
He was never coming back.
It had taken Luhan so long to realize that.
~
When they sit across from each other in their favorite café, Minseok is fumbling with the lid of a small weird-looking bottle he's been carrying around the whole day, Luhan has a feeling that he should be asking what is in there.
Drop after drop, Minseok pours the transparent liquid into his coffee, stirring it well afterwards and Luhan's eyes are fixed on the now empty container just in front of his boyfriend's cup of coffee.
He finally opens his mouth to ask what it is but Minseok looks at him and he feels their special bond stronger than he's ever had before.
Telling him not to ask. Not to stop him.
So he doesn't.
He watches Minseok quietly as he takes the first sip of the coffee slowly and then quickly gulps the whole content of the cup down his throat.
Luhan stares at him quietly.
He knows what's going on without Minseok having to say anything.
He has felt it coming.
For months.
For years.
Minseok coughs a little and Luhan thinks his world is breaking apart but then his boyfriend starts talking.
Telling him stuff. Normal stuff like what he'd been up to that day and Luhan just listens.
Minseok continues talking for a few minutes until his voice grows weaker and Luhan prepares himself for the worst.
“Luhan,” he finally hears him say, “sing for me, will you? One last time.”
Luhan really doesn't want to.
Not one last time.
He sees Minseok having a hard time keeping his head straight and still looking at Luhan. Smiling.
That's when Luhan, despite himself, starts singing to Minseok, the song he has been asked to sing a lot of times.
He sings.
Minseok's smile fades...
And for the first time, Luhan thinks that he sees the real Minseok.
Not smiling.
Broken.
And he understands.
Minseok's eyes close...
His head slowly sways back...
And then he has stopped moving completely.
Luhan stops singing and stares at Minseok.
At the boy who he loves so much.
The boy who just left him.
An hour passes and the waitress comes by. She notices that something is not right.
She screams. Then someone calls for an ambulance.
It's too late, they say.
He has already gone, they say.
They're sorry, they say.
And Luhan just smiles at them.
It's okay, he says.
~
A few weeks later, the day before they are supposed to have their first comeback, Tao enters Luhan's room to tell him goodnight, but only a scream comes out of his mouth.
Minseok's video is playing on repeat.
Hi lu ge
Luhan feels warm liquid running down his hand, his eyelids getting heavier and heavier. He turns his head to the door, looking at Tao who is looking back at him, screaming and crying, but Luhan doesn't really hear him. He just hears Minseok's voice.
I guess you will be fine, right? Because you are always just fine.
His head slowly turns back to the TV and Minseok smiles at him and he tries to smile back but it's not working the way it is supposed to.
...our happiness. And we did have some happiness, didn't we?
Something, someone is touching his arm, pressing down on the wound on his wrist, but he doesn't really care.
People are screaming and shouting his name, but he doesn't really hear them.
To his left, there is a paper with the last words he has written. Minseok hadn't liked the idea of a goodbye letter. Luhan didn't either. So he wrote a song.
His first song.
His last words.
I want your voice to be the last thing I hear.
Luhan manages a smile.
..
He was going to make everything go away.
Minseok's way was working.
Luhan feels it working.
His lids fall shut, with the eyes of Minseok being the last he looks into.
I just really... want to go. You probably don't understand that, do you?
He understands.
He understands so well.
.... a better world... there is one, right?... well, there must be-
...
he finally understands.
..
Minseok is waiting....
...
no need for goodbyes...
...because it's not over yet.
..
Because Minseok is waiting for him....
...
in a better world...
...
well...
..
he must be...
..
right?
~
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go
There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well...
Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye...
- Lu Han
__
the end
i recommend to watch the two videos i linked above the story (especially the first one) if you haven't done so yet.
I can't believe i wasted so much of my time on this short little story. nearly two whole days (is that long, i think it's long.)
thanks a lot to my beta steveloveseric who gave me a lot of great suggestions for improvements and my friend chanyeolness who i forced to read this even tho i know she hates angst
ho ho ho an a very merry krismas to those who read it on the day uploaded