The Plan (brought to you by a weekend at the cottage)
So the cottage was a wonderful chance to reflect on the terrible shit that has gone down and plan on how to move forward. For anybody who still cares I am going into speak to a professional on Wednesday about getting some help for everything that has gone down in the past 18 months.
(For those who are just tuning in a whole bunch of bad stuff has combined to lead me to the point where I am banished from my spiritual community, separated from my fiancee, and abandoned by some of my closest friends not to mention recovering two weeks of physical agony resulting from work, personal, and spiritual related stress).
I also hope to finally tackle some of the underlying issues which has led me in such a state of complete and utter helplessness when it comes to diggin myself out of this whole mess.
I am tired of being fucked up and fucking up. The sick part of this is that so much of this has resulted from my trying to *better* myself and so help those around me. This may seem like (yet another) outlandish claim but consider the influences that have led up to this point:
- psycho/spiritual ramifications of taking my Reiki II. Reiki often works by getting the reiki practitioner's own house in order, and I must admit to being warned by Tina that there may be some spiritual/mental fucked-up-edness. Again, I took it to be better able to heal. Little did I know exactly how much junk was up in my attic!
- Neophyte training. Again, hoping to help people by becoming a priest.
- some extreme metaphysical experimentation in the hopes of bringing something useful back from beyond the veil.
- Saturn Returns. It is said that every 28 years that Saturn returns to the point in the sky it was when you were born. As Saturn is the god of duty, honour, and other groovy stuff the idea is that you make massive changes to you life which defines who and what you are for the next 28 years of your life. This is not something I *chose* per se but I imagine it exists to help (I hope).
Anyways, these broke me, broke me, broke me, like a spring fucking pony. If I can make it through (rather by the time I make it through) I should be carved out of solid steel. But I guess its been a long time to get to the point of my actually admitting I need help to get through all this. Not really in my nature to ask for help I suppose, but I guess that is lesson #1 of this whole process. The rest I leave in the hands of my gods, my councilor, and hope that once this all clears I can regain the trust of those whom I have hurt.
[edit]
so some people who care have pointed out that I am still avoiding personal responsibility for all this, blaming it on Reiki, Saturn and whatever else. This of course is all my fault, and the root cause is some rather massive character flaws I have including a willingness to experiment with things I had a poor grasp on in my spiritual desperation some years ago.
(For those who are just tuning in a whole bunch of bad stuff has combined to lead me to the point where I am banished from my spiritual community, separated from my fiancee, and abandoned by some of my closest friends not to mention recovering two weeks of physical agony resulting from work, personal, and spiritual related stress).
I also hope to finally tackle some of the underlying issues which has led me in such a state of complete and utter helplessness when it comes to diggin myself out of this whole mess.
I am tired of being fucked up and fucking up. The sick part of this is that so much of this has resulted from my trying to *better* myself and so help those around me. This may seem like (yet another) outlandish claim but consider the influences that have led up to this point:
- psycho/spiritual ramifications of taking my Reiki II. Reiki often works by getting the reiki practitioner's own house in order, and I must admit to being warned by Tina that there may be some spiritual/mental fucked-up-edness. Again, I took it to be better able to heal. Little did I know exactly how much junk was up in my attic!
- Neophyte training. Again, hoping to help people by becoming a priest.
- some extreme metaphysical experimentation in the hopes of bringing something useful back from beyond the veil.
- Saturn Returns. It is said that every 28 years that Saturn returns to the point in the sky it was when you were born. As Saturn is the god of duty, honour, and other groovy stuff the idea is that you make massive changes to you life which defines who and what you are for the next 28 years of your life. This is not something I *chose* per se but I imagine it exists to help (I hope).
Anyways, these broke me, broke me, broke me, like a spring fucking pony. If I can make it through (rather by the time I make it through) I should be carved out of solid steel. But I guess its been a long time to get to the point of my actually admitting I need help to get through all this. Not really in my nature to ask for help I suppose, but I guess that is lesson #1 of this whole process. The rest I leave in the hands of my gods, my councilor, and hope that once this all clears I can regain the trust of those whom I have hurt.
[edit]
so some people who care have pointed out that I am still avoiding personal responsibility for all this, blaming it on Reiki, Saturn and whatever else. This of course is all my fault, and the root cause is some rather massive character flaws I have including a willingness to experiment with things I had a poor grasp on in my spiritual desperation some years ago.