(no subject)
Sorry...but my journal is due for a serious entry I suppose.
One thing led to another, and on Monday night Korey and I broke up.
It was very surreal to realize it was happening at the time. The blunt reality, in fact, caused me to break down. The past 7 months (and more) had been spent thinking about this one person and how he was a crucial part of my life, and within the hour 7 months were instantly reversed. Although, in actuality, that is not how it was at all.
I had never wanted Korey more than the moment he spent the night at my place to comfort me while Joe was putting my emotions into turmoil. We stayed up all night telling stories about ourselves, learning we had more in common than I had imagined. I feel what I saw was the raw, pure form of Korey, vulnerable and beautiful. Already I could feel the cloud of despair that had loomed over my head for so long dissipate. By sunrise, not only were we still awake, but I was in love.
Korey was, to put it mildly, a stark contrast to Joe. Korey was not angry, spiteful, manipulative. He was genuine, sincere, and had been showing me more affection in the previous months than I had ever received before. In retrospect, I know this is why I pushed him away for so long. After all, why would anyone ever put me first in anything?
In time, I learned to appreciate how much effort and support Korey expressed toward me. I can't express the effects he had on me. It was a summer day after spending a lifetime indoors. It taught me I deserved more than I had lived for up until this point. Why had I not realized how happy I could be? Why had I allowed so many others to treat me like shit for so long? I was living a new me, and I could not have been happier.
However, I had always expect the one person to experience the same support from me as I did from him. That was where our relationship was failing. Despite what I did, the emotions I was feeling never quite seem to reach Korey. Words failed, expressions failed, gifts failed. It wasn't because he was ungrateful (although I recall numerous occasions I attributed the problem to that), but rather my offerings came across insincere.
Any and every conflict has two sides to the story, and I will attempt to convey the struggles he made. To him, I was a pushy and often insensitive boyfriend. I expected everything from him, and after he gave it his all, I only demanded more. I was not willing to just let fate take its course; rather, I wanted to be fate, and force everything upon us both. To put it simply, I was suffocating Korey.
This is where the rift began, and like sliding tectonic plates, it only grew and left disasters in its wake. One jealousy led to another, and my jealousy of him and Matt Tobel led me to befriend Matt Smith, which in turn led to his jealousy of us. He resented me for not being understanding of him (and to make things worse, I had been for everyone else), and then I resented him for not feeling understood. For whatever reason, once the boulder started rolling down the hill, neither of us tried to stop it. Looking back, I wonder if either of us could have...maybe it was yet another inevitability. When it comes to fate Korey can accept it, and I fight against it in futility.
What is most baffling is how two people who admire each other so greatly could end up like we have. All the strengths and talents Korey possesses are the ones I wish I had. The strengths Korey wishes he had I seem to possess. And both of us will tell the other they're the lucky ones, they're the ones who have been given great opportunities. We both strive to be like the other in many respects.
Nevertheless, it came down to deciding friendship was the best choice. In tears, we knew the relationship had failed. We were no longer willing to budge for the other. Both of us were hurt, felt abandoned, and had let the joy that ran our lives slip through our fingers. We contemplated the possibility that neither us of were really who the other thought they were. Could that be a prerequisite to being in love? Ability to blind ourselves to reality, and only then can we blissfully carry on in our little world of springtime and roses. Were Korey and I really on the same level at all?
Of course, these are just the random thoughts of someone who has walked his path into a dead end. Fortunately, I've never cared if it's a path I'm on; I can walk just as easily over anything.
A few songs come to mind right now: Konstantine is one of them and Vertical Horizon's Best I ever had (grey sky morning).
Korey...I know we were on the same level. We did know each other too, better than we both know. And for what it's worth, "It's not so bad...you're only the best I ever had."
One thing led to another, and on Monday night Korey and I broke up.
It was very surreal to realize it was happening at the time. The blunt reality, in fact, caused me to break down. The past 7 months (and more) had been spent thinking about this one person and how he was a crucial part of my life, and within the hour 7 months were instantly reversed. Although, in actuality, that is not how it was at all.
I had never wanted Korey more than the moment he spent the night at my place to comfort me while Joe was putting my emotions into turmoil. We stayed up all night telling stories about ourselves, learning we had more in common than I had imagined. I feel what I saw was the raw, pure form of Korey, vulnerable and beautiful. Already I could feel the cloud of despair that had loomed over my head for so long dissipate. By sunrise, not only were we still awake, but I was in love.
Korey was, to put it mildly, a stark contrast to Joe. Korey was not angry, spiteful, manipulative. He was genuine, sincere, and had been showing me more affection in the previous months than I had ever received before. In retrospect, I know this is why I pushed him away for so long. After all, why would anyone ever put me first in anything?
In time, I learned to appreciate how much effort and support Korey expressed toward me. I can't express the effects he had on me. It was a summer day after spending a lifetime indoors. It taught me I deserved more than I had lived for up until this point. Why had I not realized how happy I could be? Why had I allowed so many others to treat me like shit for so long? I was living a new me, and I could not have been happier.
However, I had always expect the one person to experience the same support from me as I did from him. That was where our relationship was failing. Despite what I did, the emotions I was feeling never quite seem to reach Korey. Words failed, expressions failed, gifts failed. It wasn't because he was ungrateful (although I recall numerous occasions I attributed the problem to that), but rather my offerings came across insincere.
Any and every conflict has two sides to the story, and I will attempt to convey the struggles he made. To him, I was a pushy and often insensitive boyfriend. I expected everything from him, and after he gave it his all, I only demanded more. I was not willing to just let fate take its course; rather, I wanted to be fate, and force everything upon us both. To put it simply, I was suffocating Korey.
This is where the rift began, and like sliding tectonic plates, it only grew and left disasters in its wake. One jealousy led to another, and my jealousy of him and Matt Tobel led me to befriend Matt Smith, which in turn led to his jealousy of us. He resented me for not being understanding of him (and to make things worse, I had been for everyone else), and then I resented him for not feeling understood. For whatever reason, once the boulder started rolling down the hill, neither of us tried to stop it. Looking back, I wonder if either of us could have...maybe it was yet another inevitability. When it comes to fate Korey can accept it, and I fight against it in futility.
What is most baffling is how two people who admire each other so greatly could end up like we have. All the strengths and talents Korey possesses are the ones I wish I had. The strengths Korey wishes he had I seem to possess. And both of us will tell the other they're the lucky ones, they're the ones who have been given great opportunities. We both strive to be like the other in many respects.
Nevertheless, it came down to deciding friendship was the best choice. In tears, we knew the relationship had failed. We were no longer willing to budge for the other. Both of us were hurt, felt abandoned, and had let the joy that ran our lives slip through our fingers. We contemplated the possibility that neither us of were really who the other thought they were. Could that be a prerequisite to being in love? Ability to blind ourselves to reality, and only then can we blissfully carry on in our little world of springtime and roses. Were Korey and I really on the same level at all?
Of course, these are just the random thoughts of someone who has walked his path into a dead end. Fortunately, I've never cared if it's a path I'm on; I can walk just as easily over anything.
A few songs come to mind right now: Konstantine is one of them and Vertical Horizon's Best I ever had (grey sky morning).
Korey...I know we were on the same level. We did know each other too, better than we both know. And for what it's worth, "It's not so bad...you're only the best I ever had."