Crappy day...
I have been in a bit of a mood all day.
I don't like to take sides.
I think that it goes back to the first time that my parents split up. It was the middle of November and it was really fucking snowing. Blizzard-like conditions. I was sixteen and I had been over at my friend Paul's house since after school. As I was pulling into the subdivision, I saw my mom walking. I stopped the car and asked what she was doing. She told me that she was leaving. The exact quote that I remember to this day was, "I came into this marriage with nothing, and I am leaving with nothing." At which point she walked away from the car. I drove home, stunned, in the snowstorm from hell. When I got to the house, I went to my room, which was by itself downstairs. I waited for about 15 minutes for my dad to come downstairs. I finally got up and went upstairs to get a glass of something (probably milk or OJ). I said hi to my dad but he didn't say anything back, so I went back downstairs. After about 15 minutes more, I got fed up with waiting and I got in the car to go look for my mom. By that time she had made it about halfway to Palmer. I stopped the car and told her to get in. No asking, just opend the door and told her to get in. When we got back to the house, I told my mom to sleep in my room. My dad had come downstairs by this time (I assume wondering where I had driven off to at 10:30 on a school night. I told him that mom was sleeping in my room and that tomorrow I was going to school and that by the time I got back things needed to be settled. The next day, I got up went to school and when I got home, things were settled. I knew then that it wouldn't last.
My second year of college, during the stock market crash of 1987, I called home to see how things were going. My mother informed me that they were getting a divorce. The next summer, I believe that they both actually thought that I was going to choose sides. Everytime that I talked to one or the other, they would say things like "your father this" or "your mother that." I decided to stay in Fairbanks and not go "home" for the summer. I still believe to this day that it was the best decision that I ever made (and I say that wholeheartedly).
I am writing this down because today was a crappy day. It is almost as if I am driving around in that snowstorm again. When I say that my friends are my family, I do mean it. I have been basically on my own since I was 16. I went to college (first in the "family" to do so.) I got a good job. Hell, I was even married for a short time. I have, since I was a teenager, always had to look out for me. Out of not having a "family" to go home to, I have made my friends my family.
So when my family start quibbling, arguing, and fighting, I fly to neutral ground. If I would get my head out of my ass, I could have probably done the career in politics (like I almost did) and actually made a good living as some type of mediator. You have your wins and your loses. I am fighting a losing battle, one that I cannot win. I am standing my ground, but as always, when I get this way the chipping at the stone really does start to hurt. No one is going to convince me that they are right or and the other is wrong. It just is.
When you make small changes, people sometimes do not notice right away and then suddenly you have changed a lot. I have made a lot of changes in my life. I am listening more and not going off on people. I deliniate lines that I am not going to cross and then stick to my word. I read two books last year. Just two. One was The Art of War and the other was 365 Tao. They both gave me insight into brilliant minds who lived centuries ago. Men who understood that concepts like war and peace. And then there is my favorite quote from the Godfather, Part III.
I am sorry that my moral high ground is not to the liking of some people. I have now somehow gone past the point of caring what "people" think. And while I may have a semblance of pie in the sky on that ivory tower outlook right now, I have been in the mud. I see no reason to get dirty this time. There is truly nothing that can be said to convince me otherwise because all I really have to do is stand there, nod and smile. At least I can retain the knowledge that I got here because "people" actually told it to me straight, that I was being an ass, and that I needed to change. So I did.
It is days like today that makes me wish I was 20 years younger, that I was still back in college, drinking beer and tossing frisbees around the Great Hall between the Library and the Symphony Hall when it was 60 below outside. But I can't be, and that is how it is. I made my path with the help of my friends, and I still have enough faith in myself know when and where to choose my battles.
Now that I am done ranting, I will leave you to what is probably more pleasurable things in other people's LJ's. Thanks for listening.
Note: I just went outside to have a cigarette and I realized that I was doing the same thing that I had been doing 20 years ago. Watching a sunset, looking north, and thinking about what I was going to do tomorrow.
I don't like to take sides.
I think that it goes back to the first time that my parents split up. It was the middle of November and it was really fucking snowing. Blizzard-like conditions. I was sixteen and I had been over at my friend Paul's house since after school. As I was pulling into the subdivision, I saw my mom walking. I stopped the car and asked what she was doing. She told me that she was leaving. The exact quote that I remember to this day was, "I came into this marriage with nothing, and I am leaving with nothing." At which point she walked away from the car. I drove home, stunned, in the snowstorm from hell. When I got to the house, I went to my room, which was by itself downstairs. I waited for about 15 minutes for my dad to come downstairs. I finally got up and went upstairs to get a glass of something (probably milk or OJ). I said hi to my dad but he didn't say anything back, so I went back downstairs. After about 15 minutes more, I got fed up with waiting and I got in the car to go look for my mom. By that time she had made it about halfway to Palmer. I stopped the car and told her to get in. No asking, just opend the door and told her to get in. When we got back to the house, I told my mom to sleep in my room. My dad had come downstairs by this time (I assume wondering where I had driven off to at 10:30 on a school night. I told him that mom was sleeping in my room and that tomorrow I was going to school and that by the time I got back things needed to be settled. The next day, I got up went to school and when I got home, things were settled. I knew then that it wouldn't last.
My second year of college, during the stock market crash of 1987, I called home to see how things were going. My mother informed me that they were getting a divorce. The next summer, I believe that they both actually thought that I was going to choose sides. Everytime that I talked to one or the other, they would say things like "your father this" or "your mother that." I decided to stay in Fairbanks and not go "home" for the summer. I still believe to this day that it was the best decision that I ever made (and I say that wholeheartedly).
I am writing this down because today was a crappy day. It is almost as if I am driving around in that snowstorm again. When I say that my friends are my family, I do mean it. I have been basically on my own since I was 16. I went to college (first in the "family" to do so.) I got a good job. Hell, I was even married for a short time. I have, since I was a teenager, always had to look out for me. Out of not having a "family" to go home to, I have made my friends my family.
So when my family start quibbling, arguing, and fighting, I fly to neutral ground. If I would get my head out of my ass, I could have probably done the career in politics (like I almost did) and actually made a good living as some type of mediator. You have your wins and your loses. I am fighting a losing battle, one that I cannot win. I am standing my ground, but as always, when I get this way the chipping at the stone really does start to hurt. No one is going to convince me that they are right or and the other is wrong. It just is.
When you make small changes, people sometimes do not notice right away and then suddenly you have changed a lot. I have made a lot of changes in my life. I am listening more and not going off on people. I deliniate lines that I am not going to cross and then stick to my word. I read two books last year. Just two. One was The Art of War and the other was 365 Tao. They both gave me insight into brilliant minds who lived centuries ago. Men who understood that concepts like war and peace. And then there is my favorite quote from the Godfather, Part III.
I am sorry that my moral high ground is not to the liking of some people. I have now somehow gone past the point of caring what "people" think. And while I may have a semblance of pie in the sky on that ivory tower outlook right now, I have been in the mud. I see no reason to get dirty this time. There is truly nothing that can be said to convince me otherwise because all I really have to do is stand there, nod and smile. At least I can retain the knowledge that I got here because "people" actually told it to me straight, that I was being an ass, and that I needed to change. So I did.
It is days like today that makes me wish I was 20 years younger, that I was still back in college, drinking beer and tossing frisbees around the Great Hall between the Library and the Symphony Hall when it was 60 below outside. But I can't be, and that is how it is. I made my path with the help of my friends, and I still have enough faith in myself know when and where to choose my battles.
Now that I am done ranting, I will leave you to what is probably more pleasurable things in other people's LJ's. Thanks for listening.
Note: I just went outside to have a cigarette and I realized that I was doing the same thing that I had been doing 20 years ago. Watching a sunset, looking north, and thinking about what I was going to do tomorrow.