Avoidance and denial
I'm used to being a strong person. I make a decision, it happens. I decide to build a computer table or wardrobe without plans? It happens. I put my efforts into an event or presentation, it happens. Mostly what happens is my sheer determination and stubbornness overcomes most obstacles.
So, imagine a thing that I cannot overcome. Something that, whatever I do or whichever powers I bring to bear, has no respect for my strength and determination. Something which can hit any one of us on a whim, or only affect us at a distance. Something which does not appreciate that I can do sums and stand on my head. I may be regressing a little there with that last image.
It sounds very dramatic but I am thinking very much about having just two days left of the healthiest I will be for some time. I'm not physically fit enough to drive, to work, to go and have a bloody good party 'round me mates. Yet, on Thursday, I shall be poisoned. Poisoned legally in the name of science and medicine to seek out and eradicate any slim chance of the pernicious disease which goes by the name of cancer.
This means I have two days of feeling as good as I'm going to feel for quite some time. People have, very carefully, asked me what to expect. Having gone through chemo once before, I know a bit, but the regime is different this time so it's not guaranteed to be the same. Everyone knows about the hair loss, the sickness, the lethargy. It's in all the papers. Name the demon and you can defeat it. So let me tell you about the gastro-intestinal discomfort, the gum boils, the oesophageal inflammation, the really harsh bowel trauma, nose bleeds, split finger nails, dead taste buds, destroyed veins, the fervent wish to jump for joy at your daughter's drama performance and the lack of energy to do so.
There. I've done it. Grossed you out but got it off my chest. If the demon is destroyed by its naming, it's now toast.
I know I've been improving. I was at work most of Thursday, did a lot of gardening on Friday; visited friends in Bristol and Wiltshire on Saturday; gardening and barbequeing on Sunday. Today, The Boy surprised me big time by turning up on the drive in an AA car. He then showed me his papers for passing his driving exam. He had not said a word to any of us about either his lessons or - indeed - his exam. We went out to celebrate - all the while I was thinking about times he could repay the lifts I'd given him. Unfortunately, it seems his mates have first dibs as he's been scavving lifts from them for the last four years. (How about the last twenty? Huh?) Anyway, I'm thrilled and pleased and proud for/of him.
I'd quite like to do a MEGcon again. I'm working on it.
So, imagine a thing that I cannot overcome. Something that, whatever I do or whichever powers I bring to bear, has no respect for my strength and determination. Something which can hit any one of us on a whim, or only affect us at a distance. Something which does not appreciate that I can do sums and stand on my head. I may be regressing a little there with that last image.
It sounds very dramatic but I am thinking very much about having just two days left of the healthiest I will be for some time. I'm not physically fit enough to drive, to work, to go and have a bloody good party 'round me mates. Yet, on Thursday, I shall be poisoned. Poisoned legally in the name of science and medicine to seek out and eradicate any slim chance of the pernicious disease which goes by the name of cancer.
This means I have two days of feeling as good as I'm going to feel for quite some time. People have, very carefully, asked me what to expect. Having gone through chemo once before, I know a bit, but the regime is different this time so it's not guaranteed to be the same. Everyone knows about the hair loss, the sickness, the lethargy. It's in all the papers. Name the demon and you can defeat it. So let me tell you about the gastro-intestinal discomfort, the gum boils, the oesophageal inflammation, the really harsh bowel trauma, nose bleeds, split finger nails, dead taste buds, destroyed veins, the fervent wish to jump for joy at your daughter's drama performance and the lack of energy to do so.
There. I've done it. Grossed you out but got it off my chest. If the demon is destroyed by its naming, it's now toast.
I know I've been improving. I was at work most of Thursday, did a lot of gardening on Friday; visited friends in Bristol and Wiltshire on Saturday; gardening and barbequeing on Sunday. Today, The Boy surprised me big time by turning up on the drive in an AA car. He then showed me his papers for passing his driving exam. He had not said a word to any of us about either his lessons or - indeed - his exam. We went out to celebrate - all the while I was thinking about times he could repay the lifts I'd given him. Unfortunately, it seems his mates have first dibs as he's been scavving lifts from them for the last four years. (How about the last twenty? Huh?) Anyway, I'm thrilled and pleased and proud for/of him.
I'd quite like to do a MEGcon again. I'm working on it.