I keep slipping farther...
I'll format this post around a verse from Stone Sour's biggest song, "Bother":
"Wish I was too dead to care "
I find myself in this black hole of being, or more appropriately, not being. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I'd love to be where some of my friends are, content and happy. I have friends married or engaged, happy. I have friends out of college and working in the career of their choice. Here I am with none of that. And it's killing me. I cant be content with "one day". I'm utterly fucking alone. The last girl I actually gave a shit about was in HIGH SCHOOL. Liz, if you ever happen to bump into this: I'm sorry and you will always have a place in my heart. I need to progress, and it's not happening. I need something different.
"If indeed I cared at all "
Despite all of these feelings I'm fighting (hopelessness, loneliness, despair, regret), part of me just doesnt give a shit. I've endured this for so long that I'm just too used to the pain of being me that I can just say "fuck it all" and not care, atleast for a little bit. Out of this you get classic "Deast" attitude (see also: defense mechanism). You get a lot of "Fuck You"s because it's easier to play off not caring about something than caring about it. You wont see me smiling in a picture, or a picture without a middle finger most of the time, because it's so much easier to pretend I dont care than care and let everyone revel in my defeats.
"Never had a voice to protest "
I've found long ago that it seems that noone gives the slightest shit what I think. Sure, they pretend like they give a shit but in the end they do their own thing. While I guess that's how it should be, I would LOVE to be the important one for once. So I put myself in the position of Alpha Male a lot, which is really not the best place for me. Who do you get in contact with if you want to have a good time? A lot of people would probably say me. Cons, parties, whatever, apparently I'm a magnet for people having a good time, always organizing some kind of activity to make sure those around me are having fun. The downside? I always end up alone. I can be with a dozen people and still feel utterly alone. I'm glad you're having fun, I'm in the corner crying inside, do you give a shit? The fact that my torture is always kept inside (because it's easier to not care, see above) usually prevents others from seeing how I feel, and I take it personally. If I'm not having a good time, I get into a bad mood. Noone knows, and so I fester and it gets worse then I end up holding it against my friends for not cheering me up when often they dont even realize I could use it. Then I get this feeling that I dont matter. I have no idea of knowing who does and doesnt give a shit, because it's so rare that I let someone in, and that's kinda required in order to get a reaction.
"So you fed me shit to digest "
My easygoing exterior get taken advantage of so easily. My need to fill this hole in my heart that was ripped open 6.5 years ago (see first paragraph about last girl I gave a shit about) gets me used and taken advantage of by female after female, because I'm easy. I'll say it right now, right here: to every girl who has used me for money or a ride or whatever... FUCK YOU. Seriously. To every friend who has crossed the line because "Deast wont give a shit anyways", FUCK YOU. I know it's technically not your fault, cause that's how I act, but I fucking care. Your betrayals hurt.
"I wish I had a reason my flaws are open season"
The story of my life. Im overweight. I'm not happy about it. I'm glad you get your laughs from it. Dont be so quick to call me a psychopath when I laugh as I stab you in the fucking heart, because I'd be doing exactly what you're doing to me. I'm alone. I'm not happy about it. I'm glad you get your laughs from it. Dont be so quick to call me a psychopath when I laugh as I stab you in the fucking heart, because I'd be doing exactly what you're doing to me. I'm still living at home. I'm not happy about it. I'm glad you get your laughs from it. Dont be so quick to call me a psychopath when I laugh as I stab you in the fucking heart, because I'd be doing exactly what you're doing to me. I'm a failure at everything I've attempted to do, and have been mediocre at everything. I will probably be alone forever because my own fucking thought processes stop me from making any true bonds with anyone. I'm not happy about it. I'm glad you get your laughs from it. Dont be so quick to call me a psychopath when I laugh as I stab you in the fucking heart, because I'd be doing exactly what you're doing to me.
There's 2 more lines in the verse, but at this point I think I've gotten my point across. This is me. Overweight, still dwelling on a relationship from more than half a decade ago, slowly pushing everyone I care about away, covering it all up with a cheap parlor act of "fuck you"s and "i dont care"s and angry music. Surrounded by happy people as I drown in my own sorrow. Doomed to a life of being used over and over again. Bottling it all up inside until one day I snap and end it all. It might be tonight, it might be next week, it might be twenty years from now.
This isnt a for real suicide note, it's more of a call for help. Help me, please. I dont want to feel alone and worthless anymore.
"Wish I was too dead to care "
I find myself in this black hole of being, or more appropriately, not being. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I'd love to be where some of my friends are, content and happy. I have friends married or engaged, happy. I have friends out of college and working in the career of their choice. Here I am with none of that. And it's killing me. I cant be content with "one day". I'm utterly fucking alone. The last girl I actually gave a shit about was in HIGH SCHOOL. Liz, if you ever happen to bump into this: I'm sorry and you will always have a place in my heart. I need to progress, and it's not happening. I need something different.
"If indeed I cared at all "
Despite all of these feelings I'm fighting (hopelessness, loneliness, despair, regret), part of me just doesnt give a shit. I've endured this for so long that I'm just too used to the pain of being me that I can just say "fuck it all" and not care, atleast for a little bit. Out of this you get classic "Deast" attitude (see also: defense mechanism). You get a lot of "Fuck You"s because it's easier to play off not caring about something than caring about it. You wont see me smiling in a picture, or a picture without a middle finger most of the time, because it's so much easier to pretend I dont care than care and let everyone revel in my defeats.
"Never had a voice to protest "
I've found long ago that it seems that noone gives the slightest shit what I think. Sure, they pretend like they give a shit but in the end they do their own thing. While I guess that's how it should be, I would LOVE to be the important one for once. So I put myself in the position of Alpha Male a lot, which is really not the best place for me. Who do you get in contact with if you want to have a good time? A lot of people would probably say me. Cons, parties, whatever, apparently I'm a magnet for people having a good time, always organizing some kind of activity to make sure those around me are having fun. The downside? I always end up alone. I can be with a dozen people and still feel utterly alone. I'm glad you're having fun, I'm in the corner crying inside, do you give a shit? The fact that my torture is always kept inside (because it's easier to not care, see above) usually prevents others from seeing how I feel, and I take it personally. If I'm not having a good time, I get into a bad mood. Noone knows, and so I fester and it gets worse then I end up holding it against my friends for not cheering me up when often they dont even realize I could use it. Then I get this feeling that I dont matter. I have no idea of knowing who does and doesnt give a shit, because it's so rare that I let someone in, and that's kinda required in order to get a reaction.
"So you fed me shit to digest "
My easygoing exterior get taken advantage of so easily. My need to fill this hole in my heart that was ripped open 6.5 years ago (see first paragraph about last girl I gave a shit about) gets me used and taken advantage of by female after female, because I'm easy. I'll say it right now, right here: to every girl who has used me for money or a ride or whatever... FUCK YOU. Seriously. To every friend who has crossed the line because "Deast wont give a shit anyways", FUCK YOU. I know it's technically not your fault, cause that's how I act, but I fucking care. Your betrayals hurt.
"I wish I had a reason my flaws are open season"
The story of my life. Im overweight. I'm not happy about it. I'm glad you get your laughs from it. Dont be so quick to call me a psychopath when I laugh as I stab you in the fucking heart, because I'd be doing exactly what you're doing to me. I'm alone. I'm not happy about it. I'm glad you get your laughs from it. Dont be so quick to call me a psychopath when I laugh as I stab you in the fucking heart, because I'd be doing exactly what you're doing to me. I'm still living at home. I'm not happy about it. I'm glad you get your laughs from it. Dont be so quick to call me a psychopath when I laugh as I stab you in the fucking heart, because I'd be doing exactly what you're doing to me. I'm a failure at everything I've attempted to do, and have been mediocre at everything. I will probably be alone forever because my own fucking thought processes stop me from making any true bonds with anyone. I'm not happy about it. I'm glad you get your laughs from it. Dont be so quick to call me a psychopath when I laugh as I stab you in the fucking heart, because I'd be doing exactly what you're doing to me.
There's 2 more lines in the verse, but at this point I think I've gotten my point across. This is me. Overweight, still dwelling on a relationship from more than half a decade ago, slowly pushing everyone I care about away, covering it all up with a cheap parlor act of "fuck you"s and "i dont care"s and angry music. Surrounded by happy people as I drown in my own sorrow. Doomed to a life of being used over and over again. Bottling it all up inside until one day I snap and end it all. It might be tonight, it might be next week, it might be twenty years from now.
This isnt a for real suicide note, it's more of a call for help. Help me, please. I dont want to feel alone and worthless anymore.