(no subject)
Been a while so I figured I would update.
First, I never posted about my mom's death.
It was rough. If I put it all down into words I may cry.
But I am going to try my best.
When I last spoke of her in my journal here I was going to go see her.
I went to TN to surprise her in December of 2009. It was the week of Christmas, and I will cherish that time always.
Watching her play the Wii.
Seeing her actually doing well through the cancer.
It took part of tongue and neck, but her spirit wasn't broken.
And that was 2009.
October 2010 visit was much different.
I talked to my mom everyday. She always was happy. Never complained. Suddenly my aunt was talking about things being bad so I had to come.
I knew they were bad. But what I saw wasn't what anyone wants to see.
She was sick. So sick that she was going to be placed in hospice.
So sick that my family started planning her funeral.
I told my brother I couldn't do stuff like that but its exactly what happened when I got there.
I had to put on a happy face, hold her hand, be a son. While when not with her: go through her belongings, help find jewelry, and pick a casket. It was the roughest week I think I ever had in my life.
I was wrong. I had to leave TN on the 26th because it was the only affordable flight back. And I was told I needed to get home and find pictures. Make sure that when the bad happened everyone could be contacted that needed to be.
I went to see my mom for what would be the last time. I couldn't hold back tears as I kissed her goodbye. I told her "I love you" and she couldn't speak. She could only mouth the words. "I love you David" as she smiled and handed me a piece of paper.
"Always be careful. Give Sassy a hug for me.
Take care of yourself. I love you. God bless you.
Love, Mom."
As I left she feigned "I love you" and said "Goodbye"
I said "Love you too Mom. No goodbye. I'll see you later."
On October 29th. At 4am I received the phone call. The moment that phone rang I expected bad news.
Me: Hello
"David, this is Rhonda" - My grandfather's girlfriend
Me: Yeah (I already started to cry)
Rhonda: She's gone David.
Me: I know
Rhonda: I have to get off the phone, your Grandpa and your Aunt need me right now. Are you going to be ok?
Me: (sobbing) yea, I just need to get off the phone, I will call later.
Rhonda:Ok
I was a wreck for the next 3 hours.
The next 3 days were even worse.
I wasn't a wreck. I was dead.
Part of me had died that morning.
The funeral came and went, Katie's dad did a wonderful service.
The holidays came and passed, nothing felt the same.
As days became weeks, and weeks became months, I was slowly drifting from the sad to the "normal" if you could call it that.
But any time I remember my mom, I feel a gut wrenching sadness take over.
Any time I remember her, I feel that I have let her down by somehow forgetting that she's no longer a phone call away.
I never want to forget my mom, and unless I get some mental illness I never will.
What I do want though. Is to only remember the good. The happy times we had.
I want to smile when I think of her, not cry at the way she was taken.
So I post this.
This is my mom as I will always see her. Smiling no matter what. She was and will always be my best friend.
First, I never posted about my mom's death.
It was rough. If I put it all down into words I may cry.
But I am going to try my best.
When I last spoke of her in my journal here I was going to go see her.
I went to TN to surprise her in December of 2009. It was the week of Christmas, and I will cherish that time always.
Watching her play the Wii.
Seeing her actually doing well through the cancer.
It took part of tongue and neck, but her spirit wasn't broken.
And that was 2009.
October 2010 visit was much different.
I talked to my mom everyday. She always was happy. Never complained. Suddenly my aunt was talking about things being bad so I had to come.
I knew they were bad. But what I saw wasn't what anyone wants to see.
She was sick. So sick that she was going to be placed in hospice.
So sick that my family started planning her funeral.
I told my brother I couldn't do stuff like that but its exactly what happened when I got there.
I had to put on a happy face, hold her hand, be a son. While when not with her: go through her belongings, help find jewelry, and pick a casket. It was the roughest week I think I ever had in my life.
I was wrong. I had to leave TN on the 26th because it was the only affordable flight back. And I was told I needed to get home and find pictures. Make sure that when the bad happened everyone could be contacted that needed to be.
I went to see my mom for what would be the last time. I couldn't hold back tears as I kissed her goodbye. I told her "I love you" and she couldn't speak. She could only mouth the words. "I love you David" as she smiled and handed me a piece of paper.
"Always be careful. Give Sassy a hug for me.
Take care of yourself. I love you. God bless you.
Love, Mom."
As I left she feigned "I love you" and said "Goodbye"
I said "Love you too Mom. No goodbye. I'll see you later."
On October 29th. At 4am I received the phone call. The moment that phone rang I expected bad news.
Me: Hello
"David, this is Rhonda" - My grandfather's girlfriend
Me: Yeah (I already started to cry)
Rhonda: She's gone David.
Me: I know
Rhonda: I have to get off the phone, your Grandpa and your Aunt need me right now. Are you going to be ok?
Me: (sobbing) yea, I just need to get off the phone, I will call later.
Rhonda:Ok
I was a wreck for the next 3 hours.
The next 3 days were even worse.
I wasn't a wreck. I was dead.
Part of me had died that morning.
The funeral came and went, Katie's dad did a wonderful service.
The holidays came and passed, nothing felt the same.
As days became weeks, and weeks became months, I was slowly drifting from the sad to the "normal" if you could call it that.
But any time I remember my mom, I feel a gut wrenching sadness take over.
Any time I remember her, I feel that I have let her down by somehow forgetting that she's no longer a phone call away.
I never want to forget my mom, and unless I get some mental illness I never will.
What I do want though. Is to only remember the good. The happy times we had.
I want to smile when I think of her, not cry at the way she was taken.
So I post this.
This is my mom as I will always see her. Smiling no matter what. She was and will always be my best friend.