(no subject)
this semester seems like it will either be my best semester or my worst semester, depending on what footing i get myself into after this first month. academic work seems pretty manageable; other than biochem, my classes don't seem too terribly hard. such a good scenario to see myself into considering that this MCAT coursework definitely beckons for my undivided attention. i find myself extremely freaked out already about april and this anxiety seems to grow day by day. maybe i'm just overreacting a little bit, but i think i've gotten myself so hellbent on doing so unhumanly stellar that no amount of studying i feel i can do will satiate that need for success. *sigh* what the hell am i doing considering med school sometimes? on one hand, i can't see myself doing anything else; it's been the plan since day one and it definitely will give me some sense of stability when i'm all done. on the other hand, i guess i also have this need to delve deeper, investigate further, and really explore... i don't know really what i mean by that, but more and more i find myself getting interested more in the "human experience", the knowledge learned by interacting with people, wandering around aimlessly until i reach some sort of self-determined conclusion... then go to med school. i've always had this premonition in my mind, i suppose, but i think because it seems like that time is here to figure things out, these thoughts are really coming to a head.
i really have no idea what i'm trying to say... do i ever really know what i'm trying to say in this thing anymore? it's amazing that i've had a run with you so long, livejournal.
definitely though, i do have things in my head that i need to sort through. i found myself breaking down last night, and i realized that there are some issues that i've tabled that i suppose i should resolve soon. out of that, the prevailing question i found myself asking was, "do i compromise my expectations and values too easily?" i've always thought myself as a pretty tolerant person, but also i've always had clear cut expectations of people, especially those i care about deeply. while i realize that perfection is never going to be fulfilled, i wonder how much of myself i feel like i have to compromise of myself or to what extent am i going against everything i believe or had held dear to me because of some unexplainable force or reason. this lack of control in this sense scares me and i wish i had the mind to see things as solely black and white on everything. for most of the college experience, i feel like i've been able to stick to my guns and affirm why i believe the way i believe; in some instances it took having to get away to realize there was an ensuing void. however, why now am i finding myself questioning everything, thinking that my opinions might not be as valid or my views cockneyed? for the most part, i know that i am a strong person, or at least that i'm capable of being strong. i guess i'm just scared that i've increasingly become weaker and weaker, and i've just kind of let it go unchecked.
then again, what in the hell is strength measured by anyway? is it by the rationale one uses to deal with emotional outbursts like these, or the ability to work with what i am feeling? i don't know...
this has become extremely verbose, and i'm sorry that i've subjected ya'll to this... i really need to to start writing in this thing more often, preferably during times when i'm not in some sort of emotional extreme.
i really have no idea what i'm trying to say... do i ever really know what i'm trying to say in this thing anymore? it's amazing that i've had a run with you so long, livejournal.
definitely though, i do have things in my head that i need to sort through. i found myself breaking down last night, and i realized that there are some issues that i've tabled that i suppose i should resolve soon. out of that, the prevailing question i found myself asking was, "do i compromise my expectations and values too easily?" i've always thought myself as a pretty tolerant person, but also i've always had clear cut expectations of people, especially those i care about deeply. while i realize that perfection is never going to be fulfilled, i wonder how much of myself i feel like i have to compromise of myself or to what extent am i going against everything i believe or had held dear to me because of some unexplainable force or reason. this lack of control in this sense scares me and i wish i had the mind to see things as solely black and white on everything. for most of the college experience, i feel like i've been able to stick to my guns and affirm why i believe the way i believe; in some instances it took having to get away to realize there was an ensuing void. however, why now am i finding myself questioning everything, thinking that my opinions might not be as valid or my views cockneyed? for the most part, i know that i am a strong person, or at least that i'm capable of being strong. i guess i'm just scared that i've increasingly become weaker and weaker, and i've just kind of let it go unchecked.
then again, what in the hell is strength measured by anyway? is it by the rationale one uses to deal with emotional outbursts like these, or the ability to work with what i am feeling? i don't know...
this has become extremely verbose, and i'm sorry that i've subjected ya'll to this... i really need to to start writing in this thing more often, preferably during times when i'm not in some sort of emotional extreme.