Revolving Life
I began to scan back through the writings of this thing and discover new things about myself. Pain and self discovery are constant as I grow up trying to define what will make me content with life. In the end of each adventure, I am left broken and left picking up the pieces with nothing left but a head full of thoughts and a computer full of memories to show for it. People come, people go, and eventually they fade on with some newer evolved version of what they feel they need in their lives at that time. Unfortunately it is not always you that they include in this equation. We train ourselves to be ok with this event in attempts to block the negative connotations surrounding losing contact with people we share experiences with. I am not exempt from this process as I have isolated myself from tons of people to mask the difficulties of separation. I create new bonds to fill those gaps and in most ways, those seem to slowly grow like a sapling being nourished in the harmful sunlight. There are times it all seems redundant and inevitable. My father was recently diagnosed with a cancerous tumor for example. A few years ago we had a falling out and I could not tolerate the man for various reasons due to his temperament. This led to us not talking for a full year until we finally got over it and just agreed to disagree. Since then, we went on trips with family and have been getting along great then suddenly, BOOM! Now he’s recovering from brain surgery and experiencing some of the most difficult things one could go through and struggling to gain control of his body again. It is in these moments that he offers me advice, praise, and the love he never shared with me. I find myself replaying every cheesy sitcom where an ill father tells his son everything he withheld for a lifetime. I hate to think that deathbeds and illness are the only solution for the appreciation of human contact. What is grueling in this whole process are my observations on how people react to having their own mortality dangled in their face. I am not saying that I am not thankful for people’s well wishes. When it comes from those who never cared in the first place it makes you wonder why. Their first reaction to bad news seems to be “I am sorry for your situation. I’ll pray for you. Let me know if I can help.” Again and again with this regurgitated saying, even from people who I never thought to be religious. I can’t help but be annoyed at these people because it feels like some self satisfying way to make yourself feel like you contributed to a situation you really can’t do anything about. My father came out of surgery where the doctor toiled away aimlessly to removed the tumor with much success. These same people who find out my father’s status thank god for guiding the surgeon’s hands. No praise is given to the doctor with science, his education, or his skills. This adds to my irritations at peoples handling of life situations. All in all I realize life is too short and I should technically be having an epiphany or something about the good of people coming together but I’m strangely not. I do love my father and still feel I never let myself hold back my true feelings in good times or bad. I’m not going to sugar coat things even if illness is involved. Too many people wait till the last moment. They feel like horrible people so they try to make up for it by cramming all their real feelings in before something bad happens. They come out of the woodworks and act concerned. I do not doubt the validity of their concerns but it all seems vacant if you never showed these things in the first place. It feels good to place this all in text. Perhaps years down the road I can learn something from myself upon reading it. I may outgrow how I think right now or perhaps it will get worse but it’s interesting to see how I evolved my mentality. I analyze myself just as much as anyone else since it’s only fair.