hello moronic world..
no one is on here anymore so i feel this is a rather safe place to post things that i don't necessarily want out in the entire world of the webz. i guess this will be for myself or anyone that cares enough to look up what's go'in on with me...
been having a real issue lately.. the only time i am remotely ok with life is when i'm working.. when i can shut off everything else and focus on work and making money. i'm not content sitting at home.. rarely have any more than a ok time when i go out. don't feel like seeing any of my friends. don't have the energy or drive to bother going out and making any new friends.. every time the phone rings be it a txt.. call.. or email.. i pray it's work.. and am disappointed when it's not. and it's not like i need to work all the time because it NEED the money to stay alive.. I'm getting by ok... i need the work to stay level to keep from hating my life.. and to keep from getting frustrated with everything/everyone around me.
further more.. the house i loved to be in is falling apart. and it's all things that are beyond my ability or responsibility to fix.. like the carpet is almost 6 years old.. as a renter i'm not gonna pay to replace that.. the paint is jsut as old..my dishwasher has been broken for over a year .. then replaced and is now still borken for almost another year...my garbage disposal is dead.. my water heater is caked with calcium so my faucets clog evey few weeks. and the owner isnt do'in shit to fix things.. and refuses to replace the carpet and the paint. how can i want to be here.. my plan is to start going through every room one at a time and cleaning and sorting throwing or giving away alot of stuff adn reducing what i own to potentialy move when my lease is up .. but that in and of it's self presets another issue.. i have shit for credit.. and i would be amazed to find a house like this anywhere decent in my price range.. so who knows there...
my cars that i love so much are getting to the point of death.. i just resurrected one of them. but the other ones need some serious love.. and for those of you that ask why i dont just go buy a new car.. because i have tax issues and can not get any financing for anything. so thats a right out idea.. and why would i go buy a used car instead of fixing the cars i already know what problems they have and know how they have been treated and what their history is.
stress stress stress.. and not the kind i can cope with.. ya know.. these are things that are out fo my control that are long and complicated fixes. that coupled with the problem i have with doing things alone. means it just gets harder..
several things that would help..
1. if i got a reliable cool roommate.. that doesn't destroy my house or my dishes or my garage and can deal with the fact i only work a week or 2 out of the month without feeling they are getting ripped off.
2. if i could find enough work be it in shows, clubs, concerts, installs, or anything else i'm good at to keep me away from home and away from everything on a regular basis so i can at minimum afford to fix the few things that money will fix. and i can not get fixated on the things i can fix right away.
3. if there was anyone reliable and loyal enough to give me a hand and some support with such things. and not always be busy or broke or car-less or generally useless.. ... now thats not an insult on anyone specific take it as you will but there aer days and time where i feel let down by some of the ppl i've done a lot for in the past even on simple and sort requests..
in part these realizations are coming due to the fact that monday is the one year anniversary of one of the best ppl i've known killing himself. someone that was a lot of what i mentioned under #3 up there. unfortunately the time he decided to let everyone down he did it in a big and un repairable way. and i honestly think that out of everyone i know, him missing from the picture left me as one of his best friends kinda hanging with no one to take up that slack.. and so far theres been no one that has even come close to being as much of a stand up person as he had been.
ok enough of that.. i leave you with this..
been having a real issue lately.. the only time i am remotely ok with life is when i'm working.. when i can shut off everything else and focus on work and making money. i'm not content sitting at home.. rarely have any more than a ok time when i go out. don't feel like seeing any of my friends. don't have the energy or drive to bother going out and making any new friends.. every time the phone rings be it a txt.. call.. or email.. i pray it's work.. and am disappointed when it's not. and it's not like i need to work all the time because it NEED the money to stay alive.. I'm getting by ok... i need the work to stay level to keep from hating my life.. and to keep from getting frustrated with everything/everyone around me.
further more.. the house i loved to be in is falling apart. and it's all things that are beyond my ability or responsibility to fix.. like the carpet is almost 6 years old.. as a renter i'm not gonna pay to replace that.. the paint is jsut as old..my dishwasher has been broken for over a year .. then replaced and is now still borken for almost another year...my garbage disposal is dead.. my water heater is caked with calcium so my faucets clog evey few weeks. and the owner isnt do'in shit to fix things.. and refuses to replace the carpet and the paint. how can i want to be here.. my plan is to start going through every room one at a time and cleaning and sorting throwing or giving away alot of stuff adn reducing what i own to potentialy move when my lease is up .. but that in and of it's self presets another issue.. i have shit for credit.. and i would be amazed to find a house like this anywhere decent in my price range.. so who knows there...
my cars that i love so much are getting to the point of death.. i just resurrected one of them. but the other ones need some serious love.. and for those of you that ask why i dont just go buy a new car.. because i have tax issues and can not get any financing for anything. so thats a right out idea.. and why would i go buy a used car instead of fixing the cars i already know what problems they have and know how they have been treated and what their history is.
stress stress stress.. and not the kind i can cope with.. ya know.. these are things that are out fo my control that are long and complicated fixes. that coupled with the problem i have with doing things alone. means it just gets harder..
several things that would help..
1. if i got a reliable cool roommate.. that doesn't destroy my house or my dishes or my garage and can deal with the fact i only work a week or 2 out of the month without feeling they are getting ripped off.
2. if i could find enough work be it in shows, clubs, concerts, installs, or anything else i'm good at to keep me away from home and away from everything on a regular basis so i can at minimum afford to fix the few things that money will fix. and i can not get fixated on the things i can fix right away.
3. if there was anyone reliable and loyal enough to give me a hand and some support with such things. and not always be busy or broke or car-less or generally useless.. ... now thats not an insult on anyone specific take it as you will but there aer days and time where i feel let down by some of the ppl i've done a lot for in the past even on simple and sort requests..
in part these realizations are coming due to the fact that monday is the one year anniversary of one of the best ppl i've known killing himself. someone that was a lot of what i mentioned under #3 up there. unfortunately the time he decided to let everyone down he did it in a big and un repairable way. and i honestly think that out of everyone i know, him missing from the picture left me as one of his best friends kinda hanging with no one to take up that slack.. and so far theres been no one that has even come close to being as much of a stand up person as he had been.
ok enough of that.. i leave you with this..
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