Public Speech, Because my email isn't working and I need it at school
People ... are weasels. And I don't mean the slimy, ugly animal kind. Oh wait ... yes I ... I do. When I say "weasels" I'm sure that most people understand what I mean. But that won't stop me from wasting the next five minutes of your life explaining it thoroughly. Weasels are the kind of people who never tell the whole truth, the masters at manipulating others, and squirming out of responsibilities. They are everywhere, and we should all learn how to recognise and deal with them.
The main trademarks of weasels are their laziness and their weaselling abilities. Now, when I say weaselling abilities I don't mean the thickness of their fur coat or their ability to catch fish. I mean their ability to skip deadlines, avoid responsibility and create a tapestry of doubt and suspicion around them strong enough that they can expect a jury to side with THEM if you impale them with your umbrella. Weaselling is somewhat similar to lying, but with some subtle differences. When you lie, you're deceiving everyone. But if you're being a weasel, everyone's fully aware that you're a dirty, manipulative, scheming, misleading scumbag. For example, no one believes a contract employee who says the job will be done in a week. No one believes a salesman who says there are no hidden costs. No one believes a politician who says that he is not influenced by bribes. And no one believes a lawyer who says "Have a nice day". But since we KNOW that none of that is sincere, its really a kind of honesty. A weasel kind.
At school it is a lot harder to use your weasel abilities to their full extent, because you're generally expected to be healthy and fit 24/7, and your work and social lives are predictable if existant. As such, weaselling abilities are like fine wines, in that they appreciate with age, and come in small glass bottles with labels. As your age increases, so does your weasel arsenal and you'll have many more opportunities to slither your oily hide out of any situation imaginable. For instance, all of your limbs, joints and bones will start to give out with age, so you'll constantly have excuses up your sleeve. Once you grow up, many of you will have kids. If you don't have kids now, go get some. It's not that hard, the playgrounds are full of them. And kids are the singular best excuse for weasels around. They are fun to make, common, and can be easily substituted with a bunch of tissue boxes taped together. Which does cut down on the costs. But the reason kids are so good is that there is always something wrong with them. They are always complaining, and they're constantly hungry, sleepy or sore from making sneakers for 16 hours a day. It's always something.
If weasels had a dance, it would look exactly like you arguing with your parents about chores. Now, your parents want to get as much work out of you as they can without giving you a healthy increase in your allowance, while on the other hand, you want them to ask you to do tasks which could be accomplished by a squirrel in a coma. But be smart, think before you act. Otherwise, your friends will start wearing T-shirts that say "I'm with stupid" and you won't understand why.
The main component of being a succesful weasel is to pretend to be good at things. As such, you need to walk the walk, and talk the talk. You need to appear to know what you're doing, and even if you just spend all day at school or work snapping yourself with the elastic on your underwear, you can make it appear to others that everything you do is slightly harder than performing brain surgery with chopsticks. The easiest, and therefore best, way of doing this is to use terms which are ridiculously complex, and therefore make you look smart. There are many words used almost exclusively by weasels, and one of these is the word analysis. The word analysis, like most things, was invented by my ancestors, the ancient Greeks. It consists of the base word "anal" and the term "ysis", which means "to pull information from". Upon entering the working world, you'll be exposed to many of these, and you'll realise that it is extremely difficult to tell whether the person is giving relevant information or whether their digestive system has inexplicably reversed direction. Honest, accurate analyses are rare. How rare, you say? Imagine the abominable snowman milking the Loch Ness monster to get milk for his pet unicorn. Honest analyses are more rare than good analogies in this speech. Which is why most weasels find it much easier to pretend to cooperate than to find an objective worth doing. Have you ever noticed that the word "comply" has the word "lie" built right into it? That's probably not a coincidence.
Before I leave you, I will give you the only piece of weasel advice you will ever need in order to survive in the big harsh working world. And that is to suck up to authority figures. Sucking up has been around since the dawn of humanity, but thanks to evolution, humans made the leap from sniffing butts to kissing butts, and the seeds of capitalism were sown.
The main trademarks of weasels are their laziness and their weaselling abilities. Now, when I say weaselling abilities I don't mean the thickness of their fur coat or their ability to catch fish. I mean their ability to skip deadlines, avoid responsibility and create a tapestry of doubt and suspicion around them strong enough that they can expect a jury to side with THEM if you impale them with your umbrella. Weaselling is somewhat similar to lying, but with some subtle differences. When you lie, you're deceiving everyone. But if you're being a weasel, everyone's fully aware that you're a dirty, manipulative, scheming, misleading scumbag. For example, no one believes a contract employee who says the job will be done in a week. No one believes a salesman who says there are no hidden costs. No one believes a politician who says that he is not influenced by bribes. And no one believes a lawyer who says "Have a nice day". But since we KNOW that none of that is sincere, its really a kind of honesty. A weasel kind.
At school it is a lot harder to use your weasel abilities to their full extent, because you're generally expected to be healthy and fit 24/7, and your work and social lives are predictable if existant. As such, weaselling abilities are like fine wines, in that they appreciate with age, and come in small glass bottles with labels. As your age increases, so does your weasel arsenal and you'll have many more opportunities to slither your oily hide out of any situation imaginable. For instance, all of your limbs, joints and bones will start to give out with age, so you'll constantly have excuses up your sleeve. Once you grow up, many of you will have kids. If you don't have kids now, go get some. It's not that hard, the playgrounds are full of them. And kids are the singular best excuse for weasels around. They are fun to make, common, and can be easily substituted with a bunch of tissue boxes taped together. Which does cut down on the costs. But the reason kids are so good is that there is always something wrong with them. They are always complaining, and they're constantly hungry, sleepy or sore from making sneakers for 16 hours a day. It's always something.
If weasels had a dance, it would look exactly like you arguing with your parents about chores. Now, your parents want to get as much work out of you as they can without giving you a healthy increase in your allowance, while on the other hand, you want them to ask you to do tasks which could be accomplished by a squirrel in a coma. But be smart, think before you act. Otherwise, your friends will start wearing T-shirts that say "I'm with stupid" and you won't understand why.
The main component of being a succesful weasel is to pretend to be good at things. As such, you need to walk the walk, and talk the talk. You need to appear to know what you're doing, and even if you just spend all day at school or work snapping yourself with the elastic on your underwear, you can make it appear to others that everything you do is slightly harder than performing brain surgery with chopsticks. The easiest, and therefore best, way of doing this is to use terms which are ridiculously complex, and therefore make you look smart. There are many words used almost exclusively by weasels, and one of these is the word analysis. The word analysis, like most things, was invented by my ancestors, the ancient Greeks. It consists of the base word "anal" and the term "ysis", which means "to pull information from". Upon entering the working world, you'll be exposed to many of these, and you'll realise that it is extremely difficult to tell whether the person is giving relevant information or whether their digestive system has inexplicably reversed direction. Honest, accurate analyses are rare. How rare, you say? Imagine the abominable snowman milking the Loch Ness monster to get milk for his pet unicorn. Honest analyses are more rare than good analogies in this speech. Which is why most weasels find it much easier to pretend to cooperate than to find an objective worth doing. Have you ever noticed that the word "comply" has the word "lie" built right into it? That's probably not a coincidence.
Before I leave you, I will give you the only piece of weasel advice you will ever need in order to survive in the big harsh working world. And that is to suck up to authority figures. Sucking up has been around since the dawn of humanity, but thanks to evolution, humans made the leap from sniffing butts to kissing butts, and the seeds of capitalism were sown.