Scion - Petro Campaign - Downtime 15
[Erika's Journal Entry - The Children of the Night]
Well, the tour is winding down, and we'll be done in a couple more months. It has been a blast, but I don't really think I've been able to enjoy it as much as I have in the past, probably because I've been co-locating. I mean, I'm able to entirely focus each of my duplicates on whatever they're doing, but somehow not being 100% completely invested in something has its downside too. Oh well.
Anyway, having multiple me's around does make all my duties and schemes more manageable. In fact, I've just finished a series a visits to my vampire associates, starting with Suchette. We spent several nights together, discussing music, politics, and other matters. I'm continuing to assist her with her lofty position as head of her clan, and of course she partook of my blood, which only strengthens out alliance. It's almost too bad we can't be together in other ways too, but I think we both understand the nature of our friendship.
Next I visited the Doge and Amelia. Amelia was characteristically doting, and the Doge was as austere and commanding as ever. I find his controlled, distant personality refreshing. As much as I love the adoration of…well, everyone, it is nice to spend time with someone who isn't even slightly in love with me and yet still treats me with respect and friendship. There's something valuable in that comfortable distance. The Doge has little need of my assistance in any of his plans, but he knows I'm available should the need arise. I am, after all, becoming the goddess of his people, and while he might not have any need for a god, some of the lesser vrykolokas do. I sometimes hear their prayers…
Of course, the vampires who worship me most dutifully are those of my own pantheon, so of course I visited Fuguhime as well. She is doing well, though she still mourns, in her immortal way, the loss of the Daimyo. Nevertheless, she is a pleasant host despite her grotesque appearance. And I really want to encourage her continued alliance and support. We talked a lot about the shikome and how they relate to her kind. She finds it both intriguing and amusing that when most of the other pantheons refer to me as a vampire goddess, they aren't talking about my divine role as the patron of vampires, but rather my tainted ichor. I simply find it ironic that my own pantheon respects me less than most other pantheons do, yet the dark creatures of Japan seem to adore me. It's only appropriate, I suppose. I am, after all, the Sun's Shadow.
Finally, I visited Brain Devouring Princess. With the troubles in Tien resolved (as much as they could be), it was time for me to begin working with her to assure her dominion over the Jiang Shi, all the while strengthening my alliance to her. We've laid some very solid groundwork, and I've gotten Da Li involved. That might not go over well with the Celestial Bureaucracy (it is what got her in trouble to start with), but she knows the Jiang Shi well, and she owes me. Plus, she understands what I'm attempting. I do worry that she might try to engineer things to her own advantage, but I would expect no less. And as long as I gain the allegiance of the Jiang Shi, I don't mind. The way things seem to be going, only the Camazotz will be holding out against me…and I have no idea how to change that.
[End Journal Entry]
[Erika's Journal Entry - Dahlia & T-Bone]
Bad news. Dahlia's left T-Bone. She had held out hope that he might come back to her after he dealt with the whole Abigail thing, but it didn't work out that way. Honestly, there's just no way those two can reconcile the fact that T-Bone is in love with me. Even though I never really did anything to destroy their relationship, I'm still to blame, and I feel terrible about it. Not as terrible as Dahlia or T-Bone, but terrible nonetheless. And helpless to do anything about it.
T-Bone was very genteel about the break-up. They both know why their marriage wasn't working out. But T-Bone still loves Dahlia and told her that if she ever needed anything, all she had to do is ask. T-Bone can be a very unbalanced guy sometimes, but I know he meant that, and I'm thankful he's still there for Dahlia in some way, at least.
Dahlia's taking it okay. She's been preparing for this for the past year, and she was the one who divorced him, not the other way around. But the finality of it still has her down. Sadly, I can't really be there for her, because of my inadvertent role in the whole thing. *Sigh* Quinn's been a sweetheart, though.
[End Journal Entry]
[Erika's Journal Entry - Deva Diplomacy]
So I've been spending a lot of time among the Devas on various diplomatic functions lately. I like them. They're good people, and I really get along well with Sarasvati. We share a lot of artistic and creative interests, and I can always talk about my music with her. She has such wonderful insights when I've hit a creative block! She's helped me out a lot in the past, and has agreed to help me out again…she's fashioning another Youan Ring for me, one that I can give to Miko to prevent her from being tainted if…when…we consummate our fatebound connection to one another.
Since I can co-locate, I've been spending more time on Red Mountain with my children and with Miko…who is their nanny, basically. She's so incredibly dear to me that I barely resist her charms, and not a day goes by when I don't wish that we could be together as one. As time goes on, I find it harder and harder to resist the lure of my fate-tangled emotions, and at this point, I don't know if I will ever be free of the taint. It's…complicated, and may be inextricably bound to my fate as a goddess. And if it's inescapable, then I'll never be able to accept my oneness with Miko, unless I find some other way to keep her pure. That's why I've asked Sarasvati for another ring.
[End Journal Entry]
[Private Journal Entry - Miko's Ring]
I've struggled with my attraction to Miko and my taint. Fate has contrived to make her irresistible to me, because she IS a part of me. Feeling separated from that part has become unbearable, and I fear that we both might give in to our desire for each other regardless of the taint. But the thought of ruining her purity with the taint of Soku-no-Kumi sickens me, so I had to find a way to avoid that. Thus, I've asked Sarasvati for another Youan Ring to channel the taint out of Miko just as Amaterasu's channels the taint from her and Takamagahara.
There has always been a sort of nobility to refusing to give in as long as I'm tainted. I heroically held out, hoping that when my schemes in Soku-no-Kumi are done that I would be able to purify myself and then unite with Miko as a pure goddess. That sense of nobility and Shinto virtue has given me strength, but let's face it, I'm not pure. I've been corrupted by Soku-no-Kumi, and a part of me is bound to that place and to Erebus and Melanthea. I don't think I'll ever be purified. It's a burden I'm willing to bear in triumph over Mikaboshi, but it also makes the idea of noble abstinence somewhat less endearing. I would maintain my physical distance from Miko, but I don't know if I can. So the ring seems a convenient solution.
Talking Sarasvati into making another one for me wasn't easy. I had to explain to her the relationship between Miko and me, and its fatebound significance. I couldn't tell her the whole truth. I couldn't tell her that Soku-no-Kumi might claim a part of me yet because of my schemes there, my romance with Erebus, and my love for my daughter Melanthea. But I told her that I believe the taint is a part of me that I will never escape. I've been tainted ever since I became a demigod…it's so bound into my fate that I can't escape it.
Eventually, Sarasvati relented and agreed to make me a ring. But I think she is worried about me. One days soon, I hope to be able to reveal the whole truth to her, but she'll probably be even more distressed then. *Sigh*
It worries me that I seem to blame fate for some of these things when in reality, I should be taking responsibility myself. There's a reason that Adam eschews the guiding hand of fate: accepting it alleviates some degree of personal responsibility. But fate shouldn't be a substitute for responsibility. I can blame fate all I want for my inescapable taint or my attraction to Miko, but in the end, I'm the one who made the choice to become tainted, and to deepen that taint to my own ends. And I'll be the one who decides to make Miko mine.
I hope I'm doing the right thing.
[End Private Journal]
[Erika's Private Journal - Cosmic Balance]
I've been thinking a lot about Miko lately, and about my one-sided troubles with Yi. I feel terrible that I can't get beyond the suffering that Yi commanded for me. I've tried so hard. It will not destroy our marriage - I know that much. I still love her so very much. But it has changed the nature of our romance in ways I never wanted. I suppose that had I not suffered in Diyu for her, she would be facing the same issues I am now. And if that's so, then I'd rather be the one harboring this bitterness. I couldn't bear sensing it in her dark-eyed gaze or soft caresses.
I can't help but see my existence in shades of balance and harmony. It's my role as a goddess, after all. Yi balances Amaterasu on the fulcrum of Echo, but where does Erebus fit into that scheme? I love him too, and of course I'm not sure I'll be able to ever completely escape Soku-no-Kumi. My sense of divine equilibrium feels off, and it's unsettling.
I wonder if consummating my connection to Miko won't swing the balance of my existence back to an earlier state, when Yi was the opposite to Miko. And if that happens, then Erebus will balance Amaterasu. I sense that it's already happening. Somehow it seems right, even though I know my fate would be sealed then. At the same time, Miko isn't a goddess, so can she really balance Yi? I don't really know how it all works, and perhaps this is all just my errant fancy.
In any event, the choices I make from here on out will decide everything, I fear.
[End Private Entry]
[Erika's Journal Entry - Echo's Fury]
Amaterasu is quite distressed by Echo's simmering anger over Himiko's Banishment. Echo can hold a grudge, and she hasn't returned to Takamagahara since Amaterasu offended her. Selfishly, that doesn't especially bother me, since it means I get Amaterasu all to myself. But it sucks not having Echo around in Kurayashiro. And it really sucks that neither of my other wives are getting along with Amaterasu. Sometimes I think Echo's right and that everything would work out if Yi would just sleep with Amaterasu. But I know that's never going to happen. I honestly think that would help me get over my issues with Yi, if only because it would prove that she has gotten over the issues that made her levy that punishment against me in the first place. But I don't see Yi ever going for that. Or Amaterasu for that matter. Besides, if they do remain harmonious opposites in my spiritual balance, then their opposition is key.
Sorry…rambling.
Anyway, Amaterasu wants to get back into Echo's good graces, so she asked me to intercede on her behalf. I told her that she would need to shower Echo with gifts to prove her sincerity, but she might also need to make up for it in some other way as well. Unfortunately, reinstating Himiko is kinda out of the question right now, since they've never gotten along, and Himiko was becoming a rallying point for the rebellious members of the pantheon. Personally, I like Himiko, and I wish she liked me. But I gotta stick by Amaterasu on this one.
So I've gone to talk to Echo and try to convince her to forgive Amaterasu. Echo believes that Amaterasu sent Himiko away in part because she was jealous of Himiko's obvious attraction to Echo, and I confess I felt a bit of cautious jealousy over that too. But if that was even a factor, it paled in comparison to the real reasons Himiko was sent away. At least I think so.
Anyway, it took some sweet talking and some delicate pouting, but I think Echo's relenting, and will return to Takamagahara once the tour is over.
[End Journal Entry]
[Private Journal Entry - My Scheming Daughter]
I suspect that Melanthea has some major plan in mind, and that she will act on it soon. She seems keyed up, excited about something lately. I know her as well as anyone, and I can tell that she is scheming. I think she might be planning to make a move against Mikaboshi or some other titan avatar of Soku-no-Kumi. She won't tell me what she's planning yet, but she has promised to draw me into it before she sets things in motion. I think I might be a part of her plans.
Ah, children grow up so quickly. (^_^)
[End Private Journal]
[Erika's Journal - Forgiveness]
I had an argument with Yi last night. We were making love and then all the things that have been bothering me lately came flooding in and I just couldn't go on. So I tried to talk to her about the issues I've been having over my betrayal of her trust and my punishment in Diyu.
I completely fucked up the argument. I thought I knew what I wanted to say, but I was completely lost. It was miserable. All I wanted was for Yi to show some sort of emotional response to what I was feelings, but every time we argue about it she becomes cold and rational and self-righteous. She says she is sorry for subjecting me to that and that she's forgiven me, but it's all just words. So all this time, I've never once felt that she's really sorry or that she's really forgiven me. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to let it go.
But tonight she finally saw what I needed. She took me in her arms and held me and told me that she's sorry, and that she loves and forgives me. And for the first time since my suffering in Diyu, I heard it in her voice and felt it in her comforting caresses. I saw it in the soft, warm way her deep black eyes gazed at me with a mixture of pain and sadness and hope. And I was finally able to forgive myself, and to believe that maybe our marriage isn't doomed after all because of my mistake.
I feel at peace with Yi for the first time in a long time.
[End Journal Entry]
Well, the tour is winding down, and we'll be done in a couple more months. It has been a blast, but I don't really think I've been able to enjoy it as much as I have in the past, probably because I've been co-locating. I mean, I'm able to entirely focus each of my duplicates on whatever they're doing, but somehow not being 100% completely invested in something has its downside too. Oh well.
Anyway, having multiple me's around does make all my duties and schemes more manageable. In fact, I've just finished a series a visits to my vampire associates, starting with Suchette. We spent several nights together, discussing music, politics, and other matters. I'm continuing to assist her with her lofty position as head of her clan, and of course she partook of my blood, which only strengthens out alliance. It's almost too bad we can't be together in other ways too, but I think we both understand the nature of our friendship.
Next I visited the Doge and Amelia. Amelia was characteristically doting, and the Doge was as austere and commanding as ever. I find his controlled, distant personality refreshing. As much as I love the adoration of…well, everyone, it is nice to spend time with someone who isn't even slightly in love with me and yet still treats me with respect and friendship. There's something valuable in that comfortable distance. The Doge has little need of my assistance in any of his plans, but he knows I'm available should the need arise. I am, after all, becoming the goddess of his people, and while he might not have any need for a god, some of the lesser vrykolokas do. I sometimes hear their prayers…
Of course, the vampires who worship me most dutifully are those of my own pantheon, so of course I visited Fuguhime as well. She is doing well, though she still mourns, in her immortal way, the loss of the Daimyo. Nevertheless, she is a pleasant host despite her grotesque appearance. And I really want to encourage her continued alliance and support. We talked a lot about the shikome and how they relate to her kind. She finds it both intriguing and amusing that when most of the other pantheons refer to me as a vampire goddess, they aren't talking about my divine role as the patron of vampires, but rather my tainted ichor. I simply find it ironic that my own pantheon respects me less than most other pantheons do, yet the dark creatures of Japan seem to adore me. It's only appropriate, I suppose. I am, after all, the Sun's Shadow.
Finally, I visited Brain Devouring Princess. With the troubles in Tien resolved (as much as they could be), it was time for me to begin working with her to assure her dominion over the Jiang Shi, all the while strengthening my alliance to her. We've laid some very solid groundwork, and I've gotten Da Li involved. That might not go over well with the Celestial Bureaucracy (it is what got her in trouble to start with), but she knows the Jiang Shi well, and she owes me. Plus, she understands what I'm attempting. I do worry that she might try to engineer things to her own advantage, but I would expect no less. And as long as I gain the allegiance of the Jiang Shi, I don't mind. The way things seem to be going, only the Camazotz will be holding out against me…and I have no idea how to change that.
[End Journal Entry]
[Erika's Journal Entry - Dahlia & T-Bone]
Bad news. Dahlia's left T-Bone. She had held out hope that he might come back to her after he dealt with the whole Abigail thing, but it didn't work out that way. Honestly, there's just no way those two can reconcile the fact that T-Bone is in love with me. Even though I never really did anything to destroy their relationship, I'm still to blame, and I feel terrible about it. Not as terrible as Dahlia or T-Bone, but terrible nonetheless. And helpless to do anything about it.
T-Bone was very genteel about the break-up. They both know why their marriage wasn't working out. But T-Bone still loves Dahlia and told her that if she ever needed anything, all she had to do is ask. T-Bone can be a very unbalanced guy sometimes, but I know he meant that, and I'm thankful he's still there for Dahlia in some way, at least.
Dahlia's taking it okay. She's been preparing for this for the past year, and she was the one who divorced him, not the other way around. But the finality of it still has her down. Sadly, I can't really be there for her, because of my inadvertent role in the whole thing. *Sigh* Quinn's been a sweetheart, though.
[End Journal Entry]
[Erika's Journal Entry - Deva Diplomacy]
So I've been spending a lot of time among the Devas on various diplomatic functions lately. I like them. They're good people, and I really get along well with Sarasvati. We share a lot of artistic and creative interests, and I can always talk about my music with her. She has such wonderful insights when I've hit a creative block! She's helped me out a lot in the past, and has agreed to help me out again…she's fashioning another Youan Ring for me, one that I can give to Miko to prevent her from being tainted if…when…we consummate our fatebound connection to one another.
Since I can co-locate, I've been spending more time on Red Mountain with my children and with Miko…who is their nanny, basically. She's so incredibly dear to me that I barely resist her charms, and not a day goes by when I don't wish that we could be together as one. As time goes on, I find it harder and harder to resist the lure of my fate-tangled emotions, and at this point, I don't know if I will ever be free of the taint. It's…complicated, and may be inextricably bound to my fate as a goddess. And if it's inescapable, then I'll never be able to accept my oneness with Miko, unless I find some other way to keep her pure. That's why I've asked Sarasvati for another ring.
[End Journal Entry]
[Private Journal Entry - Miko's Ring]
I've struggled with my attraction to Miko and my taint. Fate has contrived to make her irresistible to me, because she IS a part of me. Feeling separated from that part has become unbearable, and I fear that we both might give in to our desire for each other regardless of the taint. But the thought of ruining her purity with the taint of Soku-no-Kumi sickens me, so I had to find a way to avoid that. Thus, I've asked Sarasvati for another Youan Ring to channel the taint out of Miko just as Amaterasu's channels the taint from her and Takamagahara.
There has always been a sort of nobility to refusing to give in as long as I'm tainted. I heroically held out, hoping that when my schemes in Soku-no-Kumi are done that I would be able to purify myself and then unite with Miko as a pure goddess. That sense of nobility and Shinto virtue has given me strength, but let's face it, I'm not pure. I've been corrupted by Soku-no-Kumi, and a part of me is bound to that place and to Erebus and Melanthea. I don't think I'll ever be purified. It's a burden I'm willing to bear in triumph over Mikaboshi, but it also makes the idea of noble abstinence somewhat less endearing. I would maintain my physical distance from Miko, but I don't know if I can. So the ring seems a convenient solution.
Talking Sarasvati into making another one for me wasn't easy. I had to explain to her the relationship between Miko and me, and its fatebound significance. I couldn't tell her the whole truth. I couldn't tell her that Soku-no-Kumi might claim a part of me yet because of my schemes there, my romance with Erebus, and my love for my daughter Melanthea. But I told her that I believe the taint is a part of me that I will never escape. I've been tainted ever since I became a demigod…it's so bound into my fate that I can't escape it.
Eventually, Sarasvati relented and agreed to make me a ring. But I think she is worried about me. One days soon, I hope to be able to reveal the whole truth to her, but she'll probably be even more distressed then. *Sigh*
It worries me that I seem to blame fate for some of these things when in reality, I should be taking responsibility myself. There's a reason that Adam eschews the guiding hand of fate: accepting it alleviates some degree of personal responsibility. But fate shouldn't be a substitute for responsibility. I can blame fate all I want for my inescapable taint or my attraction to Miko, but in the end, I'm the one who made the choice to become tainted, and to deepen that taint to my own ends. And I'll be the one who decides to make Miko mine.
I hope I'm doing the right thing.
[End Private Journal]
[Erika's Private Journal - Cosmic Balance]
I've been thinking a lot about Miko lately, and about my one-sided troubles with Yi. I feel terrible that I can't get beyond the suffering that Yi commanded for me. I've tried so hard. It will not destroy our marriage - I know that much. I still love her so very much. But it has changed the nature of our romance in ways I never wanted. I suppose that had I not suffered in Diyu for her, she would be facing the same issues I am now. And if that's so, then I'd rather be the one harboring this bitterness. I couldn't bear sensing it in her dark-eyed gaze or soft caresses.
I can't help but see my existence in shades of balance and harmony. It's my role as a goddess, after all. Yi balances Amaterasu on the fulcrum of Echo, but where does Erebus fit into that scheme? I love him too, and of course I'm not sure I'll be able to ever completely escape Soku-no-Kumi. My sense of divine equilibrium feels off, and it's unsettling.
I wonder if consummating my connection to Miko won't swing the balance of my existence back to an earlier state, when Yi was the opposite to Miko. And if that happens, then Erebus will balance Amaterasu. I sense that it's already happening. Somehow it seems right, even though I know my fate would be sealed then. At the same time, Miko isn't a goddess, so can she really balance Yi? I don't really know how it all works, and perhaps this is all just my errant fancy.
In any event, the choices I make from here on out will decide everything, I fear.
[End Private Entry]
[Erika's Journal Entry - Echo's Fury]
Amaterasu is quite distressed by Echo's simmering anger over Himiko's Banishment. Echo can hold a grudge, and she hasn't returned to Takamagahara since Amaterasu offended her. Selfishly, that doesn't especially bother me, since it means I get Amaterasu all to myself. But it sucks not having Echo around in Kurayashiro. And it really sucks that neither of my other wives are getting along with Amaterasu. Sometimes I think Echo's right and that everything would work out if Yi would just sleep with Amaterasu. But I know that's never going to happen. I honestly think that would help me get over my issues with Yi, if only because it would prove that she has gotten over the issues that made her levy that punishment against me in the first place. But I don't see Yi ever going for that. Or Amaterasu for that matter. Besides, if they do remain harmonious opposites in my spiritual balance, then their opposition is key.
Sorry…rambling.
Anyway, Amaterasu wants to get back into Echo's good graces, so she asked me to intercede on her behalf. I told her that she would need to shower Echo with gifts to prove her sincerity, but she might also need to make up for it in some other way as well. Unfortunately, reinstating Himiko is kinda out of the question right now, since they've never gotten along, and Himiko was becoming a rallying point for the rebellious members of the pantheon. Personally, I like Himiko, and I wish she liked me. But I gotta stick by Amaterasu on this one.
So I've gone to talk to Echo and try to convince her to forgive Amaterasu. Echo believes that Amaterasu sent Himiko away in part because she was jealous of Himiko's obvious attraction to Echo, and I confess I felt a bit of cautious jealousy over that too. But if that was even a factor, it paled in comparison to the real reasons Himiko was sent away. At least I think so.
Anyway, it took some sweet talking and some delicate pouting, but I think Echo's relenting, and will return to Takamagahara once the tour is over.
[End Journal Entry]
[Private Journal Entry - My Scheming Daughter]
I suspect that Melanthea has some major plan in mind, and that she will act on it soon. She seems keyed up, excited about something lately. I know her as well as anyone, and I can tell that she is scheming. I think she might be planning to make a move against Mikaboshi or some other titan avatar of Soku-no-Kumi. She won't tell me what she's planning yet, but she has promised to draw me into it before she sets things in motion. I think I might be a part of her plans.
Ah, children grow up so quickly. (^_^)
[End Private Journal]
[Erika's Journal - Forgiveness]
I had an argument with Yi last night. We were making love and then all the things that have been bothering me lately came flooding in and I just couldn't go on. So I tried to talk to her about the issues I've been having over my betrayal of her trust and my punishment in Diyu.
I completely fucked up the argument. I thought I knew what I wanted to say, but I was completely lost. It was miserable. All I wanted was for Yi to show some sort of emotional response to what I was feelings, but every time we argue about it she becomes cold and rational and self-righteous. She says she is sorry for subjecting me to that and that she's forgiven me, but it's all just words. So all this time, I've never once felt that she's really sorry or that she's really forgiven me. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to let it go.
But tonight she finally saw what I needed. She took me in her arms and held me and told me that she's sorry, and that she loves and forgives me. And for the first time since my suffering in Diyu, I heard it in her voice and felt it in her comforting caresses. I saw it in the soft, warm way her deep black eyes gazed at me with a mixture of pain and sadness and hope. And I was finally able to forgive myself, and to believe that maybe our marriage isn't doomed after all because of my mistake.
I feel at peace with Yi for the first time in a long time.
[End Journal Entry]