Scion - Petro Campaign - Crossroads
[The following are a couple of Erika’s private journal entries. She doesn’t actually post these to her livejournal, but I’m posting them here to those of you who read her livejournal will know what she’s thinking. This is, after all, a pretty important crossroads for her, and it was a pretty difficult decision for me to make].
[Journal Excerpt 1]
So I feel that I’ve come to a crossroads. It basically boils down to a choice. Do I seek purity and remove the shikome taint I’ve held onto for so long, or do I keep the taint and use it as a weapon against the forces of evil?
I feel like I should purify myself and get rid of the taint. Recent events, like the purification of Miko and my recent conversations with Amaterasu have only made that desire stronger. Miko especially is a compelling reason for me to become pure again. She’s basically a part of me, and her purity seems like a symbol of my own potential. My affection for her has only grown since she was purified, but my taint feels like a wall that separates us. I just can’t bear the thought of soiling her with it, even if she can purify herself again pretty easily.
But that’s only part of the issue. For a long time, I held onto the taint because I felt that it was what connected me to the Underworld and let me express the duality between light and darkness I seek. But I’ve matured a lot on my path to godhood, and I realize how naïve that was. I don’t need the taint to be what I want to be. I can get rid of it and barely even miss it. And even if I do feel the need to make more shikome, I have Tabby for that.
Moreover, my talks with Amaterasu have begun to show me a different and fascinating way to become a goddess of duality. I have the potential to become Amaterasu’s complimentary opposite. I could be the darkness and death to match her light and life. I could be her “shadow” not in a subordinate sense, but as an equal and opposite compliment to what she represents.
There are those who would argue that Mikaboshi represents that now. But Amaterasu disagrees, and so do I. The darkness he represents is a tainted, evil darkness, and it’s largely because of him that Shintoism views things like death as inherently impure. What Amaterasu wants (and I agree with her) is a shadow free of such taint. The darkness that accompanies her light should be pure. It should be a lot more like the darkness I’ve been exploring with Feng Yi.
So by accepting that sort of divine role, I could not only fulfill my destiny as a goddess of duality (just in a different way than I originally envisioned), but I could also help to improve the nature of Takamagahara and Shintoism, helping the rest of the Amatsukami to accept things that Mikaboshi (and to a lesser extent my mother) have long ruined for them.
The only problem is that the taint is a potent weapon that I can use against Mikaboshi.
The taint gives me a strong connection to Erebus, and I can use that connection to manipulate him, pushing him to oppose and overthrow or destroy Mikaboshi. It wouldn’t take much prodding; he already hates Mikaboshi for imprisoning him. If I could do that, it would eliminate the Amatsukami’s worst enemy. It won’t be easy to accomplish, but if I succeed, it will make a huge difference in the war against the titans.
That’s a pretty strong reason to keep the taint. It gives me an advantage in dealing with Erebus. And while I might eventually be able to work on him without it, I’d almost certainly be tainted again by his presence, or rather the presence of Mikaboshi’s Soku-no-kumi, so if I decide follow this plan, purifying myself would be pointless anyway. When Mikaboshi’s been defeated, then I can be purified. The only thing is that it’s a dangerous plan and has the potential to backfire. I’d have to tread very carefully…
I want to be purified. But rationally, keeping the taint and using it against Erebus is also very appealing.
I’ve really been struggling with this, so I consulted some of the people whose wisdom and guidance I value most: Fukuda-san, Oiwa, Echo, Miko, and Amaterasu. Fukuda-san encouraged me to become pure again. Miko…she said she respected my choices and that she would follow me in whatever path I chose. Amaterasu definitely wants me pure, but she didn’t exactly say I should go out and do so now. She just implied that any role fate might have for me in conjunction with her would have to wait until such a time as I am pure.
Oiwa claims that I should keep the taint, but I don’t think she was talking about the shikome taint. She seemed to imply that she had tainted me when she was in my womb, and that taint was a part of me. She said I’d miss it if it was gone. I feel like she was probably talking about the more primal taint of death, and if my plans with Erebus succeed, then the “taint” she’s talking about might not even be an issue anymore.
Echo believes that it shouldn’t be an either/or thing at all. She says I should be able to taint and purify myself as I see fit. That is an interesting concept and it does fit with my sense of duality, but I’m not sure that it really works. She tends to think of me as superior to everyone else (which I’m obviously not, but love blinds her to these things ^_^), and I think that clouds her judgment. Still…the idea does appeal to me.
Anyway, despite all that advice, I still can’t decide. I feel like I’ve outgrown the taint, and I want to be rid of it. But if that decision is to be final, then I’d have to give up my plan for defeating Mikaboshi.
I think it’s time I brought Adam in on this. I value his intelligence and wisdom, and he’s usually willing to look at both sides of an issue and weigh the pros and cons fairly. He should be able to help me figure out what’s best. I’ll talk to him next week when I’m Chicago to meet Miki and play some clubs.
[Journal Excerpt 2]
My conversation with Adam went really well. The depth and breadth of his knowledge never ceases to amaze me!
I confided in him what I’d learned about my connection to Erebus, and I explained my plans for dealing with Erebus and my conflicting desire to seek purity.
Adam asked a lot of questions to help him better understand the situation, and from there he was able to extrapolate, well, everything, based on his occult expertise and knowledge of both us and the titans. And ultimately he counseled me to keep the taint and use it against Erebus. It’s simply too significant a weapon to be ignored in the war against the titans.
If I do this, it will involve basically wooing Erebus and encouraging him to fight against his imprisonment, lending my strength to his. Completely destroying Mikaboshi is unlikely, but Erebus could defeat Mikaboshi, diminishing his power and subjugating him within the great primal darkness of Soku-no-kumi. According to Adam, this is probably the best scenario, as destroying Soku-no-kumi would destroy a part of the divine landscape, doing more harm than good. Erebus would be left in control of that great darkness. Since his darkness is not inherently evil and tainted and he holds no serious grudges against the gods, Erebus could thus be removed from the war along with the potent darkness that he represents.
The real trick will be manipulating Erebus, which won’t be easy. I couldn’t do it now. But in time, I’m sure I can handle him. Adam seemed to think so.
Adam made me promise to keep him updated every step of the way as I undertake this plan, and I was more than happy to make this promise. I’ll eventually be treading on dangerous ground with this, and having his help, and eventually, hopefully, the help of the rest of our band, will be crucial. In the interest of keeping him completely informed, I told him everything I knew about the taint and how it interacts with the shikome. I admitted to him that Tabby managed to create fourteen more shikome a long time ago (before she was an elite) when she lost control and attacked a hiker, who went on to turn others before Keiko managed to round up the new shikome and confine them to the Underworld.
Adam also examined the Unclean Ring, the ring that lets me keep the taint in check. He discovered that while it used to serve to keep my shikome-ness subdued, it now helps to keep it active. Apparently, when I became a demigod, my divine ichor would have subsumed the taint, making it largely dormant were it not for the ring. Pretty insidious, huh?
Anyway, armed with this knowledge and a better idea of how to enact the plot against Erebus, I still had to make a decision: taint or purity?
But really, by the time Adam and I had worked things out, I guess I’d already made my decision. The opportunity to eliminate Mikaboshi is simply too great to pass up. Looks like I’m keeping the taint for the time being.