Stuart Appendectomy III, a Fish Tale
Tonight, burgunder and I kept ourselves amused by writing a story on bar napkins. We switched over at particularly knotty and evil places, and eventually, a tale was born.
Yes, you can expect this to happen again. Over and over again, in fact. Bonus points for correct guesses as to who wrote what!
-napkin 1-
Once upon a time, there was a goldfish named Stuart Appendectomy III. He was named this because his father was named Stuart Appendectomy Jr. He was different from the other goldfish in the pond because he was desperately fond of the woman who tended the pond. The way she swished her hand at the surface of the water to say hello... Stuart knew that they were meant to be together. He flaunted his fins and turned lazily in the water so that the sunlight glinted off his scales whenever she happened by, but she didn't seem to notice.
Stuart hatched a plan to gain her attention. He began working out and learned how to jump a quarter inch out of the water. But still she didn't notice. So he trained harder, and jumped for all his might and only his right fin cleared the surface before he flopped back into the water to gaze at her through the distorted surface of the pond.
-napkin 2-
What Stuart didn't know was that the girl's father had been brutally murdered by goldfish when she was only 3. Her tending of the pond was done at her therapist's insistence, to cure her of her acquired icthyphobia.
If Stuart knew, he would be the saddest fish in the pond, in the world! But he didn't know and he loved her and he was determined to tell her.
One morning, as her hand rippled the surface, he overcame his natural goldfish sense of propriety and swam up to nuzzle lovingly at her fingertips. The girl gave a shriek of utter terror and lost her balance in her startlement, tumbling into the pond. Immediately, two things happened.
Two goldfish saw their opportunity to act.
One, of course, was Stuart, who hoped to win the lady's heart by a gallant act of derring-do in this, her most desperate of moments. The other was the great-grand cousin (twice removed) of the fish that had killed her father.
-napkin 3-
He saw this as a chance to finish the job and avenge his ancestors.
She spluttered, she splashed, she gasped in water to scream it out in a harrowing gurgle. As she attempted to levitate out of the pond, she saw an enormous fish approaching, and a small goldfish dash into its path, as if to protect her. She would not have noticed except that the glint of sunlight on Stuart's scales was so bright and mesmerizing.
Stuart immediately recognized the big fish's evil intent. He realized there was no way he could take Bob (for such was the would-be assassin's name) in a fair fight. He closed his transparent eyelids and wished with all the love and power of his tiny heart for a length of rope.
In the mayhem of the girl's fall, her hair had floated away from her. It now presented itself to Stuart as a makeshift rope. It would have to do.
Taking a firm, yet loving, nibble of her raven-dark tresses, Stuart tugged towards the
-napkin 4-
surface with all his might. His strengthening exercises had served him well, pulling the girl swiftly out of Bob's large but slow clutches. Faster and harder he swam, until the girl's senses came back to her. She found her feet, planted them into the pond muck and stood up.
With Stuart attached to her hair!
Poor Stuart was forgotten as the girl stumbled, algae in her teeth, to shore. As she shook her head hard to clear the pond-water from her ears, Stuart was flung helplessly to the ground.
As he lay there, gasping for water, his vision clouding, a light appeared at the edge of his dying fog. It quickly resolved itself into the shape of a hand. A shaking hand, terrified with icthyphobia, grabbed Stuart and flung him through the air.
-napkin 5-
Even as Stuart recognized his salvation, his heart was torn in two at the thought of leaving her. So strong was the cry of his soul that the God of Goldfish, swimming in the heavenly depths, heard it ... and answered. Midway to the waters of the pond, sailing in an arc through the air, Stuart suddenly found himself transformed into a human man. A bright orange, somewhat metallic human man, but wishes can't fix everything.
He landed with a giant splash, his head and shoulders above water, gasping in air through his mouth, and breathing. The lack of gills on his neck felt suffocating but after the initial panic wore off, the air felt ... good.
He blinked visible lids and was overwhelmed by how huge this not-pond was. He staggered to shore, and, kneeling in the muck, declared his love in a human voice.
Fortunately, orange was the girl's very favorite color. With
-napkin 6-
a maidenly blush staining her alabaster cheeks, she accepted Stuart's declaration and consented to give him her lily-white, somewhat damp, hand in marriage.
Bob was served up as a very nice sushi roll during their wedding banquet. The guests clapped and cheered, and they all (except for Bob) lived happily ever after.
Yes, you can expect this to happen again. Over and over again, in fact. Bonus points for correct guesses as to who wrote what!
-napkin 1-
Once upon a time, there was a goldfish named Stuart Appendectomy III. He was named this because his father was named Stuart Appendectomy Jr. He was different from the other goldfish in the pond because he was desperately fond of the woman who tended the pond. The way she swished her hand at the surface of the water to say hello... Stuart knew that they were meant to be together. He flaunted his fins and turned lazily in the water so that the sunlight glinted off his scales whenever she happened by, but she didn't seem to notice.
Stuart hatched a plan to gain her attention. He began working out and learned how to jump a quarter inch out of the water. But still she didn't notice. So he trained harder, and jumped for all his might and only his right fin cleared the surface before he flopped back into the water to gaze at her through the distorted surface of the pond.
-napkin 2-
What Stuart didn't know was that the girl's father had been brutally murdered by goldfish when she was only 3. Her tending of the pond was done at her therapist's insistence, to cure her of her acquired icthyphobia.
If Stuart knew, he would be the saddest fish in the pond, in the world! But he didn't know and he loved her and he was determined to tell her.
One morning, as her hand rippled the surface, he overcame his natural goldfish sense of propriety and swam up to nuzzle lovingly at her fingertips. The girl gave a shriek of utter terror and lost her balance in her startlement, tumbling into the pond. Immediately, two things happened.
Two goldfish saw their opportunity to act.
One, of course, was Stuart, who hoped to win the lady's heart by a gallant act of derring-do in this, her most desperate of moments. The other was the great-grand cousin (twice removed) of the fish that had killed her father.
-napkin 3-
He saw this as a chance to finish the job and avenge his ancestors.
She spluttered, she splashed, she gasped in water to scream it out in a harrowing gurgle. As she attempted to levitate out of the pond, she saw an enormous fish approaching, and a small goldfish dash into its path, as if to protect her. She would not have noticed except that the glint of sunlight on Stuart's scales was so bright and mesmerizing.
Stuart immediately recognized the big fish's evil intent. He realized there was no way he could take Bob (for such was the would-be assassin's name) in a fair fight. He closed his transparent eyelids and wished with all the love and power of his tiny heart for a length of rope.
In the mayhem of the girl's fall, her hair had floated away from her. It now presented itself to Stuart as a makeshift rope. It would have to do.
Taking a firm, yet loving, nibble of her raven-dark tresses, Stuart tugged towards the
-napkin 4-
surface with all his might. His strengthening exercises had served him well, pulling the girl swiftly out of Bob's large but slow clutches. Faster and harder he swam, until the girl's senses came back to her. She found her feet, planted them into the pond muck and stood up.
With Stuart attached to her hair!
Poor Stuart was forgotten as the girl stumbled, algae in her teeth, to shore. As she shook her head hard to clear the pond-water from her ears, Stuart was flung helplessly to the ground.
As he lay there, gasping for water, his vision clouding, a light appeared at the edge of his dying fog. It quickly resolved itself into the shape of a hand. A shaking hand, terrified with icthyphobia, grabbed Stuart and flung him through the air.
-napkin 5-
Even as Stuart recognized his salvation, his heart was torn in two at the thought of leaving her. So strong was the cry of his soul that the God of Goldfish, swimming in the heavenly depths, heard it ... and answered. Midway to the waters of the pond, sailing in an arc through the air, Stuart suddenly found himself transformed into a human man. A bright orange, somewhat metallic human man, but wishes can't fix everything.
He landed with a giant splash, his head and shoulders above water, gasping in air through his mouth, and breathing. The lack of gills on his neck felt suffocating but after the initial panic wore off, the air felt ... good.
He blinked visible lids and was overwhelmed by how huge this not-pond was. He staggered to shore, and, kneeling in the muck, declared his love in a human voice.
Fortunately, orange was the girl's very favorite color. With
-napkin 6-
a maidenly blush staining her alabaster cheeks, she accepted Stuart's declaration and consented to give him her lily-white, somewhat damp, hand in marriage.
Bob was served up as a very nice sushi roll during their wedding banquet. The guests clapped and cheered, and they all (except for Bob) lived happily ever after.