Writing
Reaching, reaching as far as possible. Just a little farther! We're so close! Hanging from the edge, only an arm and a leg keeping us from falling. How did this happen, how are we both now swaying and screaming to each other not to give up.
“Luis! Don't let go! Please! Don't fall! I don't want to lose you...”
Friends, that's all that we are. But it's hard to tell. I consider him my brother... Simply because in times like this before he always had my back. But how far have we fallen, what new levels of hell is this. Now, hanging from the edge, one of us secure as the other hangs by a limb. Tears from both eyes simply blow away in the cold wind as I watch him sway.
“Luis, please grab my hand... Brother, you have to come back up... Just stretch! Just reach! You can do it! I believe in you...”
But his only response is to look up at me with sorrow filled eyes, broken eyes. Eyes that have seen many wrong doings, and obviously have seen a lot of hurt
“Luis... You can't give up...”
Just looking into the eyes of my brother, it reminds me of myself. Maybe that's another reason why I'm trying to save him from his own spiraling disaster. Maybe the thoughts of me being able to crawl from the same spot with help from others makes me believe that my brother, who I always saw as so strong... Could do it to? Looking into his eyes, it causes a flashback of a time of my life that I tried to keep buried.
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“My god, you're such a stalker! Just go away already, Laura! You know how I feel about you... Won't you just go away already?!”
Flinching as I hear the door slam, tears running down my face, hands balled into fists as it feels as if someone just stabbed me in the stomach repeatedly. Pain, if only it was physical though. I could at least medicate the pain away... But no, this is deeper. This is on an emotional level.
“Yeah... I know... You said that you loved me...” Shaking, standing to my feet and just turning to go back to my room and lay face up on my bed and stare at my ceiling as I shake. I can't cry out loud, I can't make a sound. Speechless. A smile plays across my face, but this is no normal smile. This is the smile of a broken woman.
“You'll come back when she refuses to stay with you... You always do, Robert... And like a fool, I'm going to fall for you once more and ask myself why I even doubted us in the first place... That you were just exploring...”
Closing my eyes, trying not to scream. The neighbors might hear. Again... If only this was physical... I could medicate it. But... There is one way to medicate this sort of pain... But I won't think of that right now.
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“Laura... I can't... I'm so tired. I'm so tired of trying. I'm so tired...”
I watch him begin to slip, wailing, I try to get his attention. Anything, just to make him try...
“Luis! Don't you dare! You promised me that you would be there if I ever got married... You promised me! You Promised! And you said I could always trust your promises... Remember?! You said you wouldn't leave me, Luis! Brother! Please!”
He looks up, and it's a surprise. There's a spark there. Good, bad, or indifferent, it's there. There's some sort of fire there.
“You promised me in that email that we would always be friends... That nothing would be able to separate us... And if you're going to make this jump, then Luis? You're lying to me!”
Again, a spark, but after the spark dies, I see him fall back down into his own misery.
“Please... Can't we at least talk about this on solid ground?”
Shaking his head hard he looks down at the black below him.
“Laura... I just want to die... Please... Give me that... Let me die...”
That phrase... It knocks the wind out of my chest. I've heard it before. I've said it before.
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“Mary... I just want to die... Please... Give me that... Let me die...”
Staring down the neck of a darkly tinted bottle, I try to ignore the tears from the girl across from me on the bed.
“It's over... He's never coming back. He's never going to come back...”
Slamming her fits down on the bed, she reaches out quickly and takes the bottle from me, though it's not quite hard considering I can't even really tell where I am. My world is spinning, I see double. I feel as if I'm going to pass out soon...
“Laura, goddamnit! Don't you dare give up on me! You're my sister, and you know better than to... to... let your life just fade away! You of all people need to have the choice of dieing in a far better way than drinking yourself to your own grave!”
I try to ignore her words. It's not true. It's just like he said. I'm a freak, I'm stupid, I'm not special. I'm just a stalker. Shaking my head furiously, balling my hands into fists as I rub at my eyes drunkenly to attempt to keep from crying.
“S-shut up! You don't understand! Mary, my life... half of my life... Just... gone. I spent half of my life with him!...”
She sits the bottle to the side before pulling me into a hug, just petting my back.
“Baby, I know... I know it hurts... But you have to push past this. For those who care about you... You have to push past this. You have friends who need you. Think of Carolyn, and your mom, your family... Your friends. We all need you, babe... Just pull out of this.”
All I can do is cry, only that. Just before the vomiting starts.
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“Please... Luis. Please come back up on land... We can talk this over.”
He turns from the black bellow to look at me. Those eyes. Broken. Empty. Scared.
“Luis... I've been where you are. I've looked down the barrel of my own life, and questioned if I would be better dead or alive. Look where I am today. I didn't give up, and I never made the promise that you did.”
“But you don't understand! I wasted my life on him! He... He said he loved me!”
Again, leaving me breathless. I shake the tears from my eyes before I stretch even harder.
“He said that he would be there for me, and that we would be together. But it was always just after one more fling. To get it out of his system!”
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Staring at him with loving eyes. I can't believe I would ever be mad at him as he stares at me so lovingly. Holding hands and watching each other as if we were the only ones in the world.
“Baby, that other girl was just a fling... I promise. I would never say those things to you! She put me up to it...”
He pets my hand as he watches, but what I don't see is the lies. All of what he's saying. Every poisonous and manipulative word coming from his mouth is a lie. I can see the look he's putting on his face, but I forget to not only look at his eyes, but into his eyes. The eyes are the window to the soul.
“So... we... we can finally try again, can't we? That was your last fling? Robert, you promised...”
He just lowers his head.
“Robert! You promised!”
He acts as if he's upset that I'm yelling, and I instantly feel bad.
“Babe! I just got over the other relationship... Give me some time. I promise that we can try... Just let me heal from my encounter with Celest... Please?”
And like a fool, I don't look. I don't see the signs. I just sigh and nod. With a kiss on my cheek, he leaves. Leaning back on my bed, I can't help but feel at least a little bit excited. He said we can try! Only one problem. That time never comes. Weeks go by before I ask him again, and I get the same response. More time goes back, and more. And I ask again, and his response was the same as the last time. To call me a stalker, too clingy, too emotional, and just not his type. That he found a chick that was nothing like me, and that I should just stop talking to him. Once more I find myself staring down the neck of the bottle, watching the last drops of some strange liqueur forming at the bottom. With a glance I look to my bed side table where the gun my mother lays beside me. I could just end the pain he's caused.
I could just end it all. This pain, all the pain together. Being alone. Forgotten. Being used, abused. That alone triggers more and more memories, all rushing, all causing my head to spin. I see my own father, telling me he wanted nothing to do with me. I wasn't his little BOY that he wanted. That I was just a miserable failure. That I was too fat, and that I wouldn't fit in. I see a blank face, drunk, shaking me by the shoulders and screaming that I was a fuck up. That I fucked up in school, that I fuck up at home, that I fuck up in everything. That I'll never amount to anything. It's not my father, but it's someone I know I knew at one point. I was staying the night, but where. I don't know. The memory is foggy to me... But I remember those words. So clearly. They still echo in my head, and bounce from one ear to the next every time I mess up. Closing my eyes, I see the face. It's black, but I see a hat, and beer bottles on the floor.
“You little fuckup! You fuck up in everything, don't you?! ANSWER ME!”
All I can do is shake my head and cry.
“N-No...I'm not...”
He shakes me again, screaming in my face. My weakness, screaming. Like a deer in the headlights, it causes me to pause.
“Yes you do! Yes you are! You fucked up your life, that's why you live with your dad! You fucked up at school, you fucked up at home, you fuck up in everything you do! You'll never amount to anything! You know, for once, think of the rest of the world for a damn change and just kill yourself before you can do any real damage on the world!”
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“Laura... I'm a fuck up. I can't do anything right. I'm just a manipulator. I'm a liar, a whore. Why won't you just let me die. Why won't you just let me make the world a little bit brighter?”
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Those words now bounce around in my head as I hold the bottle, staring at the black shiny surface of the gun. I could just make the world a little brighter... If I just... do it. Reaching for the gun, I fail to hear the car doors outside, but Iit's amazing with what accuracy a pair of drunk and shaky hands can pull back the hammer on a gun. Without thinking, I pull it back and cock it, just like I was taught at the firing range.
“Maybe... I can make the world a little brighter... Maybe the world doesn't need me. No one really needs me. They're all going to leave. All of them. Online or not. Jake, Sidi, Mary, MateKa... All of them. They're all going to forget me... I'm just the back burner bitch...”
As I put the gun to my head though, I hear a scream from my bedroom door. Looking up into the horrified face of my mother all I can do is freeze.
“M.....Mom....”
She just holds her hands out, attempting to get close enough to take the gun away.
“Mom.... I just.... Want out of this life. I can't take it anymore... I'm so alone...”
I fail to even realize that she's close enough to grab the gun, and before I can even think she's put it to the side, deactivated it, and is hugging me close as she cries and rocks me back and forth.
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“Luis. I didn't give up, but I almost did! Mom came in and stopped me. You remember that. Please... Let me be mom in this situation. Please?”
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“Mom...”
Crying, I turn and cling to her tightly as I shake.
“Mom, I need help... I need... help. Mom, I'm so scared. I don't want to die. I don't want to die! Mama... Please help me...”
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“Laura...”
Turning to look down at the black below him one more time, he looks up at me, swinging just enough to grab my hand, gripping it tightly as tears stream down his face.
“I don't want to die... Please... Help me...”
Just as he grabs my hand, the limb he had been hanging from falls from the side of the cliff. Now, I'm the only thing he's resting on. I can't fail now. Pulling, twisting, but never letting go. Pulling, pain, soreness. But we make it. Leaning over to hug him closely as we sit there shaking, we cry as he pulls me away and holds me at arms length.
“I don't know how you found me... Or why you even care. But... why?”
“Luis, I've been where you've been...”
Moving to grab onto his hands and stare at his dirty and wet face, for the first time ever I don't flinch as I look into someone's eyes.
“Why don't I tell you how I understand?...”
I explain everything. Every story, every word that has ever been forced into my head. He can only look at me and stare before finally answering.
“How are you still here? What has kept you sane? All of that... And you're not in an asylum?”
I can't help but smile. All of that that I tell him, at least 2 years in my past. Today, I sit in front of him a changed woman. The man manipulator? Gone. I finally gave him the boot. I've never seen that dark man again. My dad? Cut him from my life, we don't speak anymore. But one thing I've come to realize... Friends are everything. Friendship, Hope, Love... Light. An inner light that never goes out, no matter how dim it may seem. I see the faces of the people who have held me up the highest. I see Carolyn, a brave woman who continues to fight, no matter what has come her way. I see my mother, a mixed bag; if you will. She may have her moments when she yells, and becomes something I'm not quite use to, but she only means well. I love her all the same. I see my family... all strong, all loving, all kind. Tears stream down my face as more and more people come to mind. I see Roger, one of the best men I've ever known. Just like I had, he had been through rough relationships, but he didn't give up either. He almost did. Like all people who reach that final low, there was a moment where it was just a hairs breath away from life or death. But just the same; Fate, like a gentle breeze, will blow through and whisper 'Don't give up'. His life? A simple coin flip. Mine, a few seconds from a trigger pull. Family, friends, and even just every day people on the street. A smile, a hug, a wave. All of it. Filling me from the bottom of my heart.
“I realized something...”
He leans a little closer as he sees me starting to cry. Looking up at him, he realizes I'm not crying because I'm sad... But because I'm happy. There's a light that he hadn't seen in my eyes for over 10 years. And looking into his eyes, I see a spark, one that this time doesn't dim.
“I realized... That as long as you have at least one person in your life... And you have someone to love you... That nothing is too hard to overcome. You just have to find your light, Luis. And hold onto it as tightly as you can. Because no matter how tight you hold onto it, it will never go out. It's always there, and it will always light whatever darkness comes your way...”