Watching it all....
...and enjoying. Life has slowed down a bit from my hectic pace. For
me, this is the first time in probably ten or more months, and I
realize the end of school and finals marked a turning point for me.
Anyone who hasn't gotten annoyed and removed themselves from reading all my daily blatherings on LJ (or even glanced at them) knows I've done/gone through/experienced and agonized over a lot.
Let's review, shall we?
Before I came to the divorce and all the emotional turmoil that follows, there was a lot before it. One of the biggest among them was the tenth anniversary (as I said then, there should be another name for the yearly marking of a tragedy that isn't the same as one used for weddings and other happy events) of the Oklahoma City Bombing. The way that experience both threw me on the mat and and changed me so hugely - breaking down more barriers - I can't even begin to fully explain how much it started the change in me. It was a change that was already in progress, honestly. I knew things were missing in my life and relationship, but I didn't realize they came from inside me, not the relationship itself.
I made some very stupid mistakes, but it's all a part of learning. I met some wonderful people, and I consider myself very fortunate. Along the way I didn't end up dead in a dumpster from some of the stupid, overly trusting things I did over that period, so I'm grateful for that.
People were hurt along the way, and for that I am so sorry. Me, I'm used to being hurt, and having to develop self-esteem, for a long time I felt like I deserved to be hurt. But that's a thing of the past, and I will work to make sure it stays that way.
There were so many people who helped me along the way. Gmann was there in so many ways to help me finally get the courage up to do what I needed to do (although I don't know if he even realized it at the time) and thisrabbit helped me think of practical matters when the separation process became particularly acrimonious and stressful. A spurned lover and partner who knows all your weak spots can be the most dangerous enemy when provoked, and I learned that first-hand. Javabill was always there with invaluable advice, and a patience and soothing presence that would give me moments of calm and lessons that would turn into my own clarity. Cait_rpillar was there when I needed to leave my own spun web and become a butterfly (as weak and wet and bedraggled as I was at first) and helped me through the dark times when it seemed the like the only way out was not through, but out altogether. She's become a sister, a great friend, and a support system as well as a matchmaker. Xvfui was someone I met through thisrabbit and he's been a help to me also - putting the mirror up to my face and saying 'is this what you really want for yourself?" The honesty and bluntness he brought to my attempts to hold on to something that really only existed the way it did was in my mind helped me to finally cut the cord. Mirist - my photo-negative, the one who told me that trying to cut off my caring and shut down was impossible, that it would be like cutting off a limb, and that it wouldn't be me anymore - you kept me going when I was so distraught, and gave me hope. The pain is so worth the joy, it was just a need to find the person who would be willing (and not afraid) to accept that. Every day you give me something, and you've helped me realize the parts of myself I never had a chance to explore, guiding my way with answers to all my novice questions, helping me do things the way I always wanted to.
Of course, there are so many others I can't even begin to name - Chryslerpoet with his Hennessey and catching me dancing underneath the chandelier (ah, a good memory indeed) and wonderful conversation, theryk with his honesty, caustic wit and caring soul helping me get through some times that I don't even know if he realized (and his poetry that makes me so happy - I have someone to read "Crazy Leap of Fath" to now who will understand me), and so many others I feel bad leaving out, but you all knwo who you are. I love all of you. No, don't worry, I don't want to sleep with all of you.
The people in my life are my family, because I chose them. My biological family is nothing to me but birth records, marriage records and death records that make up my family tree (as I explore it) and memories - both good and bad. The people I have now show me how people can be both strong and not-so-strong, and are always an inspiration to me. Simshatner has been a special inspiration to me, holiding up the mirror once again, and showing me why I've come this far to learn to be patient - so I could see things unfold with someone who saw me and at once was intrigued, fascinated (even when I was married, and of course,he could do nothing, but that was so long ago), and had the courage to risk rejection after other harsh rejections to reach out to me. Thank you for your continued courage as we grow every day and find out that it's not necessary to be alone, or together every minute, but there is a very happy medium in there. Thank you for wanting to know about me, even when it hurts, for wanting to give me what I need even when it's difficult, and for wanting to let me share with you. You are helping me grow as a person, and were willing to take the leap without equivocation. I only wish I had been right there ready to jump, it just took me a little bit. Thank you. I don't know where this goes from here, but life is a beautiful path of unexplored paths and avenues. I look forward to exploring them.
Thank you, my friends. All of you.
Anyone who hasn't gotten annoyed and removed themselves from reading all my daily blatherings on LJ (or even glanced at them) knows I've done/gone through/experienced and agonized over a lot.
Let's review, shall we?
Before I came to the divorce and all the emotional turmoil that follows, there was a lot before it. One of the biggest among them was the tenth anniversary (as I said then, there should be another name for the yearly marking of a tragedy that isn't the same as one used for weddings and other happy events) of the Oklahoma City Bombing. The way that experience both threw me on the mat and and changed me so hugely - breaking down more barriers - I can't even begin to fully explain how much it started the change in me. It was a change that was already in progress, honestly. I knew things were missing in my life and relationship, but I didn't realize they came from inside me, not the relationship itself.
I made some very stupid mistakes, but it's all a part of learning. I met some wonderful people, and I consider myself very fortunate. Along the way I didn't end up dead in a dumpster from some of the stupid, overly trusting things I did over that period, so I'm grateful for that.
People were hurt along the way, and for that I am so sorry. Me, I'm used to being hurt, and having to develop self-esteem, for a long time I felt like I deserved to be hurt. But that's a thing of the past, and I will work to make sure it stays that way.
There were so many people who helped me along the way. Gmann was there in so many ways to help me finally get the courage up to do what I needed to do (although I don't know if he even realized it at the time) and thisrabbit helped me think of practical matters when the separation process became particularly acrimonious and stressful. A spurned lover and partner who knows all your weak spots can be the most dangerous enemy when provoked, and I learned that first-hand. Javabill was always there with invaluable advice, and a patience and soothing presence that would give me moments of calm and lessons that would turn into my own clarity. Cait_rpillar was there when I needed to leave my own spun web and become a butterfly (as weak and wet and bedraggled as I was at first) and helped me through the dark times when it seemed the like the only way out was not through, but out altogether. She's become a sister, a great friend, and a support system as well as a matchmaker. Xvfui was someone I met through thisrabbit and he's been a help to me also - putting the mirror up to my face and saying 'is this what you really want for yourself?" The honesty and bluntness he brought to my attempts to hold on to something that really only existed the way it did was in my mind helped me to finally cut the cord. Mirist - my photo-negative, the one who told me that trying to cut off my caring and shut down was impossible, that it would be like cutting off a limb, and that it wouldn't be me anymore - you kept me going when I was so distraught, and gave me hope. The pain is so worth the joy, it was just a need to find the person who would be willing (and not afraid) to accept that. Every day you give me something, and you've helped me realize the parts of myself I never had a chance to explore, guiding my way with answers to all my novice questions, helping me do things the way I always wanted to.
Of course, there are so many others I can't even begin to name - Chryslerpoet with his Hennessey and catching me dancing underneath the chandelier (ah, a good memory indeed) and wonderful conversation, theryk with his honesty, caustic wit and caring soul helping me get through some times that I don't even know if he realized (and his poetry that makes me so happy - I have someone to read "Crazy Leap of Fath" to now who will understand me), and so many others I feel bad leaving out, but you all knwo who you are. I love all of you. No, don't worry, I don't want to sleep with all of you.
The people in my life are my family, because I chose them. My biological family is nothing to me but birth records, marriage records and death records that make up my family tree (as I explore it) and memories - both good and bad. The people I have now show me how people can be both strong and not-so-strong, and are always an inspiration to me. Simshatner has been a special inspiration to me, holiding up the mirror once again, and showing me why I've come this far to learn to be patient - so I could see things unfold with someone who saw me and at once was intrigued, fascinated (even when I was married, and of course,he could do nothing, but that was so long ago), and had the courage to risk rejection after other harsh rejections to reach out to me. Thank you for your continued courage as we grow every day and find out that it's not necessary to be alone, or together every minute, but there is a very happy medium in there. Thank you for wanting to know about me, even when it hurts, for wanting to give me what I need even when it's difficult, and for wanting to let me share with you. You are helping me grow as a person, and were willing to take the leap without equivocation. I only wish I had been right there ready to jump, it just took me a little bit. Thank you. I don't know where this goes from here, but life is a beautiful path of unexplored paths and avenues. I look forward to exploring them.
Thank you, my friends. All of you.