Some days are difficult.
I have these days, usually when the weather's bad and the sun's not there, when I just have a hard time functioning. Although having all the space I get from not having to work helps with my stress level, at times like this it can be a mixed blessing because i have nothing to force me out of the house (and my funk) some days. This was one of them.
Of course, the skiing at Wa was out of the question because it was going to rain. So I fumbled around, and ended up putting together the table saw that's been sitting unopened in a box since I first moved in (it was left by the previous owner for me since she had no use for it). Since I'm going to be installing pergo flooring on the sun porch, I'll need it for that. I'm waiting on the underlayment I ordered (last piece, will get here tomorrow according to package tracking) and then I'll be ready to start, so I needed to put that saw together. It felt good to do something that had a tangible result at the end.
Part of my anxiety comes from the feeling that I'm missing something in my life, and that I feel like I'm not going to get to important things in time. I had that dream again about being at Wachusett (although it looks different in my dream in a way that works for the dream narrative) and having missed the last skiing of winter by days and realizing it was because I'd made some kind of mistake. I have this dream every so often, and it's a typical anxiety type dream. But it seems to tie into my feelings about being alone for the last three-plus years and how I feel about that and what I feel I've missed.
My therapist said to me at one point a few weeks back that she was relieved that none of the people I'd dated or gotten attached to emotionally over the past couple of years had worked out. She maintains that it was necessary for me to work on my own issues, and I know from past experience that I have a tendency to allow my relationship to become all of my life and ignore working on myself. She's right, and although that doesn't make it any easier to take the years-long absence of a significant emotional attachment to another person in my life, I appreciate that I've grown a lot emotionally in that time.
I can't stress that enough - I've grown so much in the past few years, even in the last year. Sometimes I look back at some of the things I did before and I cringe, wondering how I'd let myself do those things. There are people who will always think of me as some completely crazy bitch, and they're probably right, because the only time they knew me, I pretty much was. That's just the way things are going to be, because I'm not going to try and track people down to explain myself. I'm also trying to accept that it's okay that I've grown and that I did some things i don't like in the past, and they're just that - in the past.
So I'm moving forward, trying to assuage that feeling that I'm missing something important. I refuse to let myself make stupid decisions because I feel some rush to get into a relationship with someone. I want a relationship with the right someone, and I'm not going to settle for anything less. I know that the expectations I do have now are reasonable, and I understand so much better what I actually need from a partner, as well as what i can realistically (and in a healthy way) offer to someone else. There are still a lot of things i have to understand about where the kink part of things fits into my life, but the only way that's going to work itself out is with time and experience (of which there has been very little in the last year). As always, patience is not my strong suit, but I'll just have to deal with it.
Of course, the skiing at Wa was out of the question because it was going to rain. So I fumbled around, and ended up putting together the table saw that's been sitting unopened in a box since I first moved in (it was left by the previous owner for me since she had no use for it). Since I'm going to be installing pergo flooring on the sun porch, I'll need it for that. I'm waiting on the underlayment I ordered (last piece, will get here tomorrow according to package tracking) and then I'll be ready to start, so I needed to put that saw together. It felt good to do something that had a tangible result at the end.
Part of my anxiety comes from the feeling that I'm missing something in my life, and that I feel like I'm not going to get to important things in time. I had that dream again about being at Wachusett (although it looks different in my dream in a way that works for the dream narrative) and having missed the last skiing of winter by days and realizing it was because I'd made some kind of mistake. I have this dream every so often, and it's a typical anxiety type dream. But it seems to tie into my feelings about being alone for the last three-plus years and how I feel about that and what I feel I've missed.
My therapist said to me at one point a few weeks back that she was relieved that none of the people I'd dated or gotten attached to emotionally over the past couple of years had worked out. She maintains that it was necessary for me to work on my own issues, and I know from past experience that I have a tendency to allow my relationship to become all of my life and ignore working on myself. She's right, and although that doesn't make it any easier to take the years-long absence of a significant emotional attachment to another person in my life, I appreciate that I've grown a lot emotionally in that time.
I can't stress that enough - I've grown so much in the past few years, even in the last year. Sometimes I look back at some of the things I did before and I cringe, wondering how I'd let myself do those things. There are people who will always think of me as some completely crazy bitch, and they're probably right, because the only time they knew me, I pretty much was. That's just the way things are going to be, because I'm not going to try and track people down to explain myself. I'm also trying to accept that it's okay that I've grown and that I did some things i don't like in the past, and they're just that - in the past.
So I'm moving forward, trying to assuage that feeling that I'm missing something important. I refuse to let myself make stupid decisions because I feel some rush to get into a relationship with someone. I want a relationship with the right someone, and I'm not going to settle for anything less. I know that the expectations I do have now are reasonable, and I understand so much better what I actually need from a partner, as well as what i can realistically (and in a healthy way) offer to someone else. There are still a lot of things i have to understand about where the kink part of things fits into my life, but the only way that's going to work itself out is with time and experience (of which there has been very little in the last year). As always, patience is not my strong suit, but I'll just have to deal with it.