Tonight.
I was back at the Cantab after being off last week.
I read the poem about the walk in the woods again, for Shiva. Although I had a new poem to read, I wanted to go back to this one and acknowledge her leaving. I think I wasn't ready for the audience reaction when I said "I used to have three dogs and now I have two." My intention was to sort of skirt around it, I guess. But I think I bummed people out a bit which wasn't my intention. I made it most of the way through before I lost it just a little.
For much of my life, I was unable to start crying and have just a little cry. If I started crying, it was full-bore all-out sobbing, and I hated it. Learned to fear crying, and never wanted it. It's a measure of how far I've come that I was able to get through so much of the poem before I started with the crying thing. But it was good to feel like I was among friends, and that I shared something of the companion of 13 years that I lost two weeks ago tonight. She made me happy, she frustrated me at times (so smart, so stubborn, so loyal), and I will miss her so much.
Thank you, poetry friends, for making me a part of your family and sharing those things with me. It means a lot.
Shiva, I miss you. I know you're finally at peace, and I imagine you playing with Burke again.
There is something important I need to accept here - the people who mean so much to me all have a place in their hearts for the dogs I love so much. Even the ones who are cat people have a measure of caring for the fur people who share my life. I made a comment before I began my poem tonight about how someone told me that you shouldn't trust anyone who doesn't love dogs, and I think in what's happened recently I should try and remember that. Sometimes we find ourselves attracted to people who aren't at all good for us, and this is just one small measure of how wrong S. would have been for me.
I want to find someone who resonates with me, who makes me feel things on a deep level. Feeling like I should hide whatever emotions I have is not good, and I should steer clear of anyone who engenders that in me. In a perfect world, I would find someone who made me feel emotions I haven't felt in a long time. I don't want to feel like falling in love is a childish fantasy - I want that to be part of the reality of falling for someone. Maybe I am getting to the point where I can reconcile the girl in me who wants to fall head over heels with the pragmatist who wants to have someone I can be completely open and honest with and establish the communication that will build a lasting relationship.
I read the poem about the walk in the woods again, for Shiva. Although I had a new poem to read, I wanted to go back to this one and acknowledge her leaving. I think I wasn't ready for the audience reaction when I said "I used to have three dogs and now I have two." My intention was to sort of skirt around it, I guess. But I think I bummed people out a bit which wasn't my intention. I made it most of the way through before I lost it just a little.
For much of my life, I was unable to start crying and have just a little cry. If I started crying, it was full-bore all-out sobbing, and I hated it. Learned to fear crying, and never wanted it. It's a measure of how far I've come that I was able to get through so much of the poem before I started with the crying thing. But it was good to feel like I was among friends, and that I shared something of the companion of 13 years that I lost two weeks ago tonight. She made me happy, she frustrated me at times (so smart, so stubborn, so loyal), and I will miss her so much.
Thank you, poetry friends, for making me a part of your family and sharing those things with me. It means a lot.
Shiva, I miss you. I know you're finally at peace, and I imagine you playing with Burke again.
There is something important I need to accept here - the people who mean so much to me all have a place in their hearts for the dogs I love so much. Even the ones who are cat people have a measure of caring for the fur people who share my life. I made a comment before I began my poem tonight about how someone told me that you shouldn't trust anyone who doesn't love dogs, and I think in what's happened recently I should try and remember that. Sometimes we find ourselves attracted to people who aren't at all good for us, and this is just one small measure of how wrong S. would have been for me.
I want to find someone who resonates with me, who makes me feel things on a deep level. Feeling like I should hide whatever emotions I have is not good, and I should steer clear of anyone who engenders that in me. In a perfect world, I would find someone who made me feel emotions I haven't felt in a long time. I don't want to feel like falling in love is a childish fantasy - I want that to be part of the reality of falling for someone. Maybe I am getting to the point where I can reconcile the girl in me who wants to fall head over heels with the pragmatist who wants to have someone I can be completely open and honest with and establish the communication that will build a lasting relationship.