I might actually get it now.
For a while now, I've realized I need to pay more attention to my friends.
Not just the friends who might have a possibility of something more romantic in my future, but my good friends who have been there for me as much as I let them. For a long time I've realized that I'm not good at being a friend with someone I'm not sleeping with (take that as you will). I have a tendency to pick that one person close to me and keep everyone else at a certain remove. If anyone tells me they need help (especially emotionally) I usually do my best to be there for them. I'm good at helping, lousy at asking for help.
People who've been my friends (LJ, IRL or both) for a long time know that I will boil to a certain point and then blindly reach out to anyone because I just can't keep it in anymore. I have wonderful friends I've moved away from (physically) and am lousy about keeping up with them. Maybe it's because I'm not good at goodbyes. I have a nasty tendency to rush out at the last minute so I have an excuse for not saying proper goodbyes and then I avoid talking and thinking about it.
Lately, I've been trying to be a good friend to someone I thought might be a romantic interest. The fact that I see a lot of my own behaviors in his probably sucked me in even more. But I'm also feeling the brunt of those behaviors - and being ignored for long stretches really sucks. Knowing that it's not any conscious thing on his part but just part of being wrapped up in his own things doesn't make it easier - it underscores the things in my own behaviors that I really want to change.
Some things I can handle, other things I can't. I'm really getting the fact that getting romantically involved with a man is a bad idea for me. There's nobody suitable, and I don't know what I want - I just know what I don't want which is no way to go about things. Today, with the weather warming up and the sun shining, I believe that I'm going to commit myself to a plan where I will move away from here in maybe three or four years when the market's started to turn around again so I can sell the house. Until I go back to school (which I realize I will do, I always knew I would), I'm going to start a plan for working on my music in the studio, approaching it like a job. I've thought about this before, but wasn't sure what way to best implement it given my own tendencies.
Part of this plan is dropping any pretense of trying at romantic entanglements. I've done this ridiculous start/stop kind of dance that has done nothing but make matters worse. I'm tired of pulling back and putting distance when I don't want to. I refuse to keep giving to someone who just takes - again. There's a measure of anger at the fact I have sat and listened to someone say "just be patient with me" when they are obviously incapable of anything other than their own best interests. I have no problem with that - maybe it's healthy - but I'm not going to keep being patient and giving when there's not so much as a kind word or a "thank you for thinking of me" for my trouble. If you don't want it, I'm not giving it. Of course, this is ranting to someone who will never even read this and it just makes me feel better to say it - I don't know if they'll even notice that I'm letting this go.
I have to leave now, so I'm just going to say thank you to my friends who read/listen to me go through all this cycling around on the hamster wheel in my head.
greenpurple, I'm going to talk to you tomorrow and let's see if we can get together - the dogs miss you, too (as do I) and we need to hang out.
Letting go of false hopes and setting ones I feel are actually worth working toward (because they will actually get some results for my work, no matter how hard the work is) is a liberating feeling.
Not just the friends who might have a possibility of something more romantic in my future, but my good friends who have been there for me as much as I let them. For a long time I've realized that I'm not good at being a friend with someone I'm not sleeping with (take that as you will). I have a tendency to pick that one person close to me and keep everyone else at a certain remove. If anyone tells me they need help (especially emotionally) I usually do my best to be there for them. I'm good at helping, lousy at asking for help.
People who've been my friends (LJ, IRL or both) for a long time know that I will boil to a certain point and then blindly reach out to anyone because I just can't keep it in anymore. I have wonderful friends I've moved away from (physically) and am lousy about keeping up with them. Maybe it's because I'm not good at goodbyes. I have a nasty tendency to rush out at the last minute so I have an excuse for not saying proper goodbyes and then I avoid talking and thinking about it.
Lately, I've been trying to be a good friend to someone I thought might be a romantic interest. The fact that I see a lot of my own behaviors in his probably sucked me in even more. But I'm also feeling the brunt of those behaviors - and being ignored for long stretches really sucks. Knowing that it's not any conscious thing on his part but just part of being wrapped up in his own things doesn't make it easier - it underscores the things in my own behaviors that I really want to change.
Some things I can handle, other things I can't. I'm really getting the fact that getting romantically involved with a man is a bad idea for me. There's nobody suitable, and I don't know what I want - I just know what I don't want which is no way to go about things. Today, with the weather warming up and the sun shining, I believe that I'm going to commit myself to a plan where I will move away from here in maybe three or four years when the market's started to turn around again so I can sell the house. Until I go back to school (which I realize I will do, I always knew I would), I'm going to start a plan for working on my music in the studio, approaching it like a job. I've thought about this before, but wasn't sure what way to best implement it given my own tendencies.
Part of this plan is dropping any pretense of trying at romantic entanglements. I've done this ridiculous start/stop kind of dance that has done nothing but make matters worse. I'm tired of pulling back and putting distance when I don't want to. I refuse to keep giving to someone who just takes - again. There's a measure of anger at the fact I have sat and listened to someone say "just be patient with me" when they are obviously incapable of anything other than their own best interests. I have no problem with that - maybe it's healthy - but I'm not going to keep being patient and giving when there's not so much as a kind word or a "thank you for thinking of me" for my trouble. If you don't want it, I'm not giving it. Of course, this is ranting to someone who will never even read this and it just makes me feel better to say it - I don't know if they'll even notice that I'm letting this go.
I have to leave now, so I'm just going to say thank you to my friends who read/listen to me go through all this cycling around on the hamster wheel in my head.
greenpurple, I'm going to talk to you tomorrow and let's see if we can get together - the dogs miss you, too (as do I) and we need to hang out.
Letting go of false hopes and setting ones I feel are actually worth working toward (because they will actually get some results for my work, no matter how hard the work is) is a liberating feeling.