Music or writing?
It's weird, I find myself thinking about this a lot.
So far I've found a way to bridge the two worlds (which rarely seem to intersect) by doing the weekly DJ gig at the Cantab. My poetry writing is sporadic at best, and I'm never really satisfied with it. There are people who are completely immersed in their writing "scene" and I like to come in and hang with people I enjoy who happen to also be great poets.
Now I'm getting mixed up with a guy who's really into the music side of things. Glitch, circuit bending, those weird people who hang around with the type who know the Dresden Dolls fairly well - there's all sorts of drama and dressing up and putting on a show - much like the poets, but with less fun naked at their parties (grin). Then again, I haven't been to one of their parties yet, I've only heard stories.
But I suppose the point of this is I get uncomfortable thinking about immersing myself completely in a world where I'm not really a poet in the good sense, and I feel vaguely guilty about it. I'm much more comfortable with people who ask me about being a DJ than being a poet. If someone asks me what I've written lately, I worry they'll want to read it. With music, I'm all too happy to tell them about my music - and if they want me to play somewhere, I'm going to do it. That's likely my difference in a nutshell.
Friend with issues says things like "let's start an electro/noise project and tour Europe" and I'm tempted (
greenpurple, you can watch the dogs, right? ;) . I'm accepting how it works to actually see if you care about someone - you see what you have in common, how you interact together, how you feel close to them (that elusive chemistry), and weigh the good and the bad points (as you see them, of course) and move forward based on all those factors. It's incredibly different from the past where I'd be dropping the L word (and no, not that one,
gamut_31 ;) far too soon and scaring the hell out of guys. Now, I don't feel that urge, and wonder if I even feel something leaning toward that. Yes, it's huge progress, and this is how it's supposed to work, but I'm still so inept at this process that I don't know what to think.
Reading that, it sounds like I'm all mental activity and no feeling. Maybe I'm minimizing because the feelings scare me as they connote a lack of control in my book. I like control. Not a control freak or anything (just a garden variety freak, thanks), but I need that order in my life and a feeling of being able to stop if I need to. It's like skiing - you can be hauling ass down the hill, but you know that if you need to you can bank a hard right turn and scrub off a good deal of speed or avert a fallen skier if necessary. When you pass that point, it gets scary and you know you're beyond your ability - and you should slow down. I like my moments of frightening abandon to be limited to times when my clothes are off and I'm...well, you get the idea. It's okay in small doses, but if you're doing it a lot with your clothes on, it's likely to lead you bad places (see also:
bad_sex).
So, I'm probably going to end up spending a night completely and utterly enjoying myself, eating, drinking and being merry. This is a welcome prospect and I am still working on (as oppposed to just letting) things happening without putting a lot of expectations or needs on them until they collapse under all that weight. I'm not going to bash anyone's house of cards with a baseball bat unless they really, truly deserve it - I'm just not that kind of bitch, you know? Yes, I'm certain kinds of bitch, but not that kind, that's all.
What's my point? Not sure. Perhaps just "I'm trying to enjoy who and what I am and feeling good around people who make me feel this kind of good." Not looking for strange interpersonal drama (ex girlfriends who sound unclear about what "ex" actually means) or people I don't feel comfortable around being myself. I refuse to engage with people who want me to restrain some aspect of myself, and if they can't accept that, then they know (because I've already told them) that they can use the exits in the front or rear of the plane, and thanks for flying.
Life's too short to not pursue what fascinates you and makes you feel alive. There is never a perfect time for anything. We've all been hurt at some point in the past or we're not living. Some of us have been through that more recently than others, but if you're not willing to move past it, then it's best to keep off tot he side of the road until you can start that engine again. Just remember that every moment you sit on the sidelines there are other people moving forward. As is life's wont, it will go on without you so you need to balance taking time to recover and needing to move forward to keep participating in life. Both are necessary, but it's a matter of knowing when you've done enough of one and need to move on to the other.
Sometimes you just have to head off down that black diamond trail and hope for the best because you won't get comfortable doing it by doing the lesser trails and wondering if you can tackle the bigger challenge. Trust me, the view's worth the risk.
So far I've found a way to bridge the two worlds (which rarely seem to intersect) by doing the weekly DJ gig at the Cantab. My poetry writing is sporadic at best, and I'm never really satisfied with it. There are people who are completely immersed in their writing "scene" and I like to come in and hang with people I enjoy who happen to also be great poets.
Now I'm getting mixed up with a guy who's really into the music side of things. Glitch, circuit bending, those weird people who hang around with the type who know the Dresden Dolls fairly well - there's all sorts of drama and dressing up and putting on a show - much like the poets, but with less fun naked at their parties (grin). Then again, I haven't been to one of their parties yet, I've only heard stories.
But I suppose the point of this is I get uncomfortable thinking about immersing myself completely in a world where I'm not really a poet in the good sense, and I feel vaguely guilty about it. I'm much more comfortable with people who ask me about being a DJ than being a poet. If someone asks me what I've written lately, I worry they'll want to read it. With music, I'm all too happy to tell them about my music - and if they want me to play somewhere, I'm going to do it. That's likely my difference in a nutshell.
Friend with issues says things like "let's start an electro/noise project and tour Europe" and I'm tempted (
greenpurple, you can watch the dogs, right? ;) . I'm accepting how it works to actually see if you care about someone - you see what you have in common, how you interact together, how you feel close to them (that elusive chemistry), and weigh the good and the bad points (as you see them, of course) and move forward based on all those factors. It's incredibly different from the past where I'd be dropping the L word (and no, not that one,
gamut_31 ;) far too soon and scaring the hell out of guys. Now, I don't feel that urge, and wonder if I even feel something leaning toward that. Yes, it's huge progress, and this is how it's supposed to work, but I'm still so inept at this process that I don't know what to think.
Reading that, it sounds like I'm all mental activity and no feeling. Maybe I'm minimizing because the feelings scare me as they connote a lack of control in my book. I like control. Not a control freak or anything (just a garden variety freak, thanks), but I need that order in my life and a feeling of being able to stop if I need to. It's like skiing - you can be hauling ass down the hill, but you know that if you need to you can bank a hard right turn and scrub off a good deal of speed or avert a fallen skier if necessary. When you pass that point, it gets scary and you know you're beyond your ability - and you should slow down. I like my moments of frightening abandon to be limited to times when my clothes are off and I'm...well, you get the idea. It's okay in small doses, but if you're doing it a lot with your clothes on, it's likely to lead you bad places (see also:
bad_sex).
So, I'm probably going to end up spending a night completely and utterly enjoying myself, eating, drinking and being merry. This is a welcome prospect and I am still working on (as oppposed to just letting) things happening without putting a lot of expectations or needs on them until they collapse under all that weight. I'm not going to bash anyone's house of cards with a baseball bat unless they really, truly deserve it - I'm just not that kind of bitch, you know? Yes, I'm certain kinds of bitch, but not that kind, that's all.
What's my point? Not sure. Perhaps just "I'm trying to enjoy who and what I am and feeling good around people who make me feel this kind of good." Not looking for strange interpersonal drama (ex girlfriends who sound unclear about what "ex" actually means) or people I don't feel comfortable around being myself. I refuse to engage with people who want me to restrain some aspect of myself, and if they can't accept that, then they know (because I've already told them) that they can use the exits in the front or rear of the plane, and thanks for flying.
Life's too short to not pursue what fascinates you and makes you feel alive. There is never a perfect time for anything. We've all been hurt at some point in the past or we're not living. Some of us have been through that more recently than others, but if you're not willing to move past it, then it's best to keep off tot he side of the road until you can start that engine again. Just remember that every moment you sit on the sidelines there are other people moving forward. As is life's wont, it will go on without you so you need to balance taking time to recover and needing to move forward to keep participating in life. Both are necessary, but it's a matter of knowing when you've done enough of one and need to move on to the other.
Sometimes you just have to head off down that black diamond trail and hope for the best because you won't get comfortable doing it by doing the lesser trails and wondering if you can tackle the bigger challenge. Trust me, the view's worth the risk.