okay, so i haven't been here for a while.
i've been in mexico. that's right my friends, mexico. why mexico? because i met the love of my life.
it started on October 24th, when i decided to make brownies. soon into my baking, i realized that i had absolutely no...chocolate. how can one make brownies with no chocolate? exactly. they can't. so, realizing my predicament, i went on a quest to the grocery store. on route, an old women tried to assassinate yours truly by running me off the damned road. we each pulled over and exchanged civil conversation (mostly consisting of "fuck you, you senile old bitch! put on your glasses and look at where the hell you're going!" and "punk ass kids, never watching where they're going. go to hell") and went on our lovely ways.
i arrived at the grocery store with barely my life. regardless, i had reached my destination and retrieved my prize. i made my way to the checkout counter and placed my chocolate down. just then, i heard the most beautiful voice ever to reach my ears. twas the checkout girl, and what a girl she was. she stood at 5'4", with her long black hair pulled back into a ponytail that reached her waist. she had big black eyes that pierced my soul and long fingernails that almost pierced my hand when she took my money. the name tag on her uniform read Maria Juana. i knew from that moment, i had found my one and only.
i swept her off her feet and wisked her out to my VW van, leaving my chocolate behind. who cared about brownies, baking, music, and other such things? once beauty and love like that is found, nothing else in the world matters. she let down her hair and through her work vest out the window (among other articles of clothing, ahem). we made nasty love right then and there. it was the most beautiful 27 hours of my entire life. we then decided that it was time for me to meet her dear mother and announce our engagement.
we drove for four months to mexico. i do realize that that would've taken only a couple days but we were constantly being sidetracked, ahem. when we arrived to her mother's home, it was evident that my dear Maria was pregnant. her mother was overjoyed and quickly invited us in. i met her 14 brothers and 2 sisters and the gladly welcomed me into their family (mind you, not a single one of them spoke english. luckily, i am fluent in it, among 10 other languages). we feasted for six days straight, in honor of the upcoming wedding and little bundle of joy that would soon be joining us. at the end of the feast, we began making wedding plans. Maria ran out with her sisters to find the perfect dress while her 14 brothers and i bonded like fly paper to a fly.
whilst we prepared, it came to question, whether or not i was catholic. i answered no, not realizing how religious mexicans really are. i heard my dear Maria burst out into a sob. her mothered screamed like a banshee, and began to charge me like a three ton bull. as i ran to avoid her crushing blow, her brothers, whom i had bonded so closely with, tripped me and began to throw handcrafted pottery at me. i struggled away to my van and looked back for my darling Maria. her sisters held her back, there hair flying about their heads, much like medusa. she screamed to me "VAS VAS," as the pottery began to shatter against my windshield. i hurridly drove off, leaving my love behind.
i was upset of course, but then i came back to california, too see all of you lovely people again. HA
it started on October 24th, when i decided to make brownies. soon into my baking, i realized that i had absolutely no...chocolate. how can one make brownies with no chocolate? exactly. they can't. so, realizing my predicament, i went on a quest to the grocery store. on route, an old women tried to assassinate yours truly by running me off the damned road. we each pulled over and exchanged civil conversation (mostly consisting of "fuck you, you senile old bitch! put on your glasses and look at where the hell you're going!" and "punk ass kids, never watching where they're going. go to hell") and went on our lovely ways.
i arrived at the grocery store with barely my life. regardless, i had reached my destination and retrieved my prize. i made my way to the checkout counter and placed my chocolate down. just then, i heard the most beautiful voice ever to reach my ears. twas the checkout girl, and what a girl she was. she stood at 5'4", with her long black hair pulled back into a ponytail that reached her waist. she had big black eyes that pierced my soul and long fingernails that almost pierced my hand when she took my money. the name tag on her uniform read Maria Juana. i knew from that moment, i had found my one and only.
i swept her off her feet and wisked her out to my VW van, leaving my chocolate behind. who cared about brownies, baking, music, and other such things? once beauty and love like that is found, nothing else in the world matters. she let down her hair and through her work vest out the window (among other articles of clothing, ahem). we made nasty love right then and there. it was the most beautiful 27 hours of my entire life. we then decided that it was time for me to meet her dear mother and announce our engagement.
we drove for four months to mexico. i do realize that that would've taken only a couple days but we were constantly being sidetracked, ahem. when we arrived to her mother's home, it was evident that my dear Maria was pregnant. her mother was overjoyed and quickly invited us in. i met her 14 brothers and 2 sisters and the gladly welcomed me into their family (mind you, not a single one of them spoke english. luckily, i am fluent in it, among 10 other languages). we feasted for six days straight, in honor of the upcoming wedding and little bundle of joy that would soon be joining us. at the end of the feast, we began making wedding plans. Maria ran out with her sisters to find the perfect dress while her 14 brothers and i bonded like fly paper to a fly.
whilst we prepared, it came to question, whether or not i was catholic. i answered no, not realizing how religious mexicans really are. i heard my dear Maria burst out into a sob. her mothered screamed like a banshee, and began to charge me like a three ton bull. as i ran to avoid her crushing blow, her brothers, whom i had bonded so closely with, tripped me and began to throw handcrafted pottery at me. i struggled away to my van and looked back for my darling Maria. her sisters held her back, there hair flying about their heads, much like medusa. she screamed to me "VAS VAS," as the pottery began to shatter against my windshield. i hurridly drove off, leaving my love behind.
i was upset of course, but then i came back to california, too see all of you lovely people again. HA