last night in williamsburg
i'm going back home tomorrow because the year is over. well, it is for me at least. i'm actually one of the last to leave. my last exam (econ) was this morning. jon & i spent the night reviewing and not reviewing for it. therefore i got a little more than an hour of sleep and slept during much of the day when i could have been spending time with my friends for the last time in a long time.
i feel so strange now. first of all it makes you feel a little displaced (not to mention conscious of time) when there are people graduating all around and heading out of williamsburg for good. i guess part of the reason all this [planned] upheaval got to me was because just a little less than a year ago i was going through all the sorts of feelings associated with these forced changes. graduating from high school affected me a lot more than i ever thought, for reasons of which i've already written.
and so in this environment of starts and endings, i feel strangely caught in between. my room smells like fresh paint because my roommate had to repaint one of the walls, and the smell reminds me of all the new and empty homes i've moved into and their immaculate white walls that still have the odor of 'wet paint'. i don't really know where to categorize myself, especially as this past school year has been quite difficult. i would hate william & mary, then ease into feeling comfortable with it, when suddenly someone or something would pull me out of feeling at ease and jolt me back into that displaced disposition once again. the truth is, though, that maybe that's just how my life is going to be, or how anyone's life usually is. the back-and-forth maybe keeps me from being too comfortable, from distancing myself too much from my being by feeling like i live externally as a result of loving my surroundings. i have realized just this past year through being here that i live much more in my head than others do; i live more in the world of the mind and emotion, as opposed to in the physical world. a balance is naturally always best, and maybe the back-and-forth helps to strike that balance, though the extremes of enjoyment and resentment are quite unsettling. i realized this by observing how people here value appearance more than i ever thought people did, which isn't a bad thing since people try to appear how they want to be perceived. but it was made known to me that others cared much more about, say, my weight or my style, than i ever did. (so there is one of the reasons - i assume - that i've had a nonexistent love life this freshman year of college.) i just assumed that others spent as much time in their heads as i do, and noticed things that struck them but did not actively seek out to award personal value to things or people.
this year has sometimes been a fucking nightmare. during winter break i thought so many times about staying home for second semester and being able to live a veritable life. my complaints were valid but i know that it was better for me to come back. i think it's good that i tend to evaluate experiences based on both what i learned and the strong moments that affected me, which often tend to be one in the same... which is why i'm not bitter about how these past eight months were spent. sure, i didn't get to live that part of me who is metropolitan and 'hip', but i spent it instead really evaluating who i am through my interactions with people. that is pretty much all there is to do here anyway. and i think i had not often chosen (or maybe noticed) who i am through interaction, but rather through observation of the world around me and what i considered favorable. both ways are necessary. i'm just always engaging in this questioning of not who i am but how i should be and act. i often think that i am deep down simply a sad person. so is that how i should act? but when i am most at peace, i am not acting sad. so if can i be sad and not act so at the same time, or is that a contradiction? it's easy to blame how one feels on innate tendencies. (we even speak of emotions as things that cannot be controlled.) but it's possible to choose to be at peace. i've done so - at least in the past semester - and therefore i think i've grown a lot. it might be because i chose to not believe that there was anything wrong with independence or what others might perceive as near eccentricity. i act upon my current feelings, not on any stored-up or inherent tendencies that i have. i thinkt it's better that way: to respond to the world through one's own lens.
there are a lot of conflicts that i'm sensing when i compare this time of abrupt ending. (my hallmates are almost all gone.) i noticed today that i've been seeking in the past couple days to see all my friends as soon as possible - which makes sense because we're all dispersing for the next couple months. but it's not just that. the realization that 'wow, maybe there is a lot to be offered here' and that things are slowly shaping up leads me to want to cultivate as much time as i can for those who have made this place bearable. it's funny that at so many times this year i craved time alone, and now i want to be around people. tonight i watched 'before sunset' with shirley and christy and i just felt so happy. then when they left i panicked and wondered what i was going to do by myself for the rest of the night. it's a weird feeling after this year, when i did often want to see people but also often wanted to retreat.
so now i guess i'll join the crowd and continue packing - i hear the sound of packing tape being dispensed and my RA celebrating her last day of college ever. i don't want to leave. i'd admitted it. things are going to be so different next year. i've decided to stay. but even so things will have changed. i'm living on the campus's periphery with people i don't know, far away from the people who've kept me sane and made me feel like i might not be a psycho / manic depressive / bitch / dirty liberal / snob, etc. luke is living in the units on the entire other side of campus; jon is living off-campus; all my close sisters are either in the AXO house or on braxton where i was not invited to live; many of my other friends have paired off, both in terms of living arrangements and social groups. i've drifted far from those who were my best friends fall semester. they were so important to me then and they remain so for the reason that they were often the highlight of my life. but they're not vital to my life, and instead of complaining about their tendencies (which were sometimes the lowpoints of my life), i've decided to maintain a distance and be with those who i feel a real connection with. it's hard but feasible to find someone here who laughs and my jokes and can occassionally sympathize - it's much different and more rewarding to find someone who is different from or similar to me but who i feel something with. this is why i fear the onset of summer: i'm afraid that it will be hard to start back up with these friendships that have not only kept me afloat but have changed my attitudes about this place. will a string of lunch and dinner dates at the beginning of the year be enough to re-cement them? also, i sort of just don't want to go home because i'll be taking macro at nova (starting monday.. good lord) and working (interviews at mexx and express). i don't know but i am not sure how much i want to hang out with friends from high school. will they just depress me more? one day i will come up with a way to best deal with myself.
however; despite all this, i cannot fully express my excitement about going back to switzerland in july..!
i feel so strange now. first of all it makes you feel a little displaced (not to mention conscious of time) when there are people graduating all around and heading out of williamsburg for good. i guess part of the reason all this [planned] upheaval got to me was because just a little less than a year ago i was going through all the sorts of feelings associated with these forced changes. graduating from high school affected me a lot more than i ever thought, for reasons of which i've already written.
and so in this environment of starts and endings, i feel strangely caught in between. my room smells like fresh paint because my roommate had to repaint one of the walls, and the smell reminds me of all the new and empty homes i've moved into and their immaculate white walls that still have the odor of 'wet paint'. i don't really know where to categorize myself, especially as this past school year has been quite difficult. i would hate william & mary, then ease into feeling comfortable with it, when suddenly someone or something would pull me out of feeling at ease and jolt me back into that displaced disposition once again. the truth is, though, that maybe that's just how my life is going to be, or how anyone's life usually is. the back-and-forth maybe keeps me from being too comfortable, from distancing myself too much from my being by feeling like i live externally as a result of loving my surroundings. i have realized just this past year through being here that i live much more in my head than others do; i live more in the world of the mind and emotion, as opposed to in the physical world. a balance is naturally always best, and maybe the back-and-forth helps to strike that balance, though the extremes of enjoyment and resentment are quite unsettling. i realized this by observing how people here value appearance more than i ever thought people did, which isn't a bad thing since people try to appear how they want to be perceived. but it was made known to me that others cared much more about, say, my weight or my style, than i ever did. (so there is one of the reasons - i assume - that i've had a nonexistent love life this freshman year of college.) i just assumed that others spent as much time in their heads as i do, and noticed things that struck them but did not actively seek out to award personal value to things or people.
this year has sometimes been a fucking nightmare. during winter break i thought so many times about staying home for second semester and being able to live a veritable life. my complaints were valid but i know that it was better for me to come back. i think it's good that i tend to evaluate experiences based on both what i learned and the strong moments that affected me, which often tend to be one in the same... which is why i'm not bitter about how these past eight months were spent. sure, i didn't get to live that part of me who is metropolitan and 'hip', but i spent it instead really evaluating who i am through my interactions with people. that is pretty much all there is to do here anyway. and i think i had not often chosen (or maybe noticed) who i am through interaction, but rather through observation of the world around me and what i considered favorable. both ways are necessary. i'm just always engaging in this questioning of not who i am but how i should be and act. i often think that i am deep down simply a sad person. so is that how i should act? but when i am most at peace, i am not acting sad. so if can i be sad and not act so at the same time, or is that a contradiction? it's easy to blame how one feels on innate tendencies. (we even speak of emotions as things that cannot be controlled.) but it's possible to choose to be at peace. i've done so - at least in the past semester - and therefore i think i've grown a lot. it might be because i chose to not believe that there was anything wrong with independence or what others might perceive as near eccentricity. i act upon my current feelings, not on any stored-up or inherent tendencies that i have. i thinkt it's better that way: to respond to the world through one's own lens.
there are a lot of conflicts that i'm sensing when i compare this time of abrupt ending. (my hallmates are almost all gone.) i noticed today that i've been seeking in the past couple days to see all my friends as soon as possible - which makes sense because we're all dispersing for the next couple months. but it's not just that. the realization that 'wow, maybe there is a lot to be offered here' and that things are slowly shaping up leads me to want to cultivate as much time as i can for those who have made this place bearable. it's funny that at so many times this year i craved time alone, and now i want to be around people. tonight i watched 'before sunset' with shirley and christy and i just felt so happy. then when they left i panicked and wondered what i was going to do by myself for the rest of the night. it's a weird feeling after this year, when i did often want to see people but also often wanted to retreat.
so now i guess i'll join the crowd and continue packing - i hear the sound of packing tape being dispensed and my RA celebrating her last day of college ever. i don't want to leave. i'd admitted it. things are going to be so different next year. i've decided to stay. but even so things will have changed. i'm living on the campus's periphery with people i don't know, far away from the people who've kept me sane and made me feel like i might not be a psycho / manic depressive / bitch / dirty liberal / snob, etc. luke is living in the units on the entire other side of campus; jon is living off-campus; all my close sisters are either in the AXO house or on braxton where i was not invited to live; many of my other friends have paired off, both in terms of living arrangements and social groups. i've drifted far from those who were my best friends fall semester. they were so important to me then and they remain so for the reason that they were often the highlight of my life. but they're not vital to my life, and instead of complaining about their tendencies (which were sometimes the lowpoints of my life), i've decided to maintain a distance and be with those who i feel a real connection with. it's hard but feasible to find someone here who laughs and my jokes and can occassionally sympathize - it's much different and more rewarding to find someone who is different from or similar to me but who i feel something with. this is why i fear the onset of summer: i'm afraid that it will be hard to start back up with these friendships that have not only kept me afloat but have changed my attitudes about this place. will a string of lunch and dinner dates at the beginning of the year be enough to re-cement them? also, i sort of just don't want to go home because i'll be taking macro at nova (starting monday.. good lord) and working (interviews at mexx and express). i don't know but i am not sure how much i want to hang out with friends from high school. will they just depress me more? one day i will come up with a way to best deal with myself.
however; despite all this, i cannot fully express my excitement about going back to switzerland in july..!