walk it out
it's been quite the eventful semester so far.
my roommate & i no longer speak, not that speaking to her was ever beneficial or positive. basically, she was going to move out, then decided not to, then was convinced by the RA to go through with it, then changed her mind again. i hate her. she is a psycho - literally disturbed - without any form of social skills. she has crazy things in her mind. and apparently this idiot girl on the hall who talks about everyone all the time while sitting atop her pedestal has talked about me too - yeah, ok, go tell everyone i was drunk while studying arabic with you. right. at least i get the room to myself friday afternoon through monday morning as a result of her childish urge to run home every weekend. there is so much tension though; i get uncomfortable.
my life is going all right at the moment, besides the rage that i harbor towards the person i have to live with. (though her avoidance of me has practically turned into a full-time job at this point.) i'm moderately satisfied. i don't go out really at all, but this is mainly for two reasons: first, the parties i do go to bore me and second, watching conan by myself in my room on the weekend is enough of a party for me these days. i do things mainly on my own, like going to the french film festival or taking this short course on america in the world. i get my work done on time (or find creative ways of not needing to do it). i see lizB a lot a lot and it makes me happy. i will miss her very much and we have a great connection which makes our understanding of each other perfect on so many levels. pooja & i are becoming really good friends which makes me happy - we complain to each other about this school & our shitty roommates, and she tells me stories about indian riots and plots against her family.
sometimes i feel like this feeling of missing something follows me around now and then. not missing as in having a piece of me lost (which may also be applicable), but more like i just long for people in whose lives i used to be present, for places where i eventually felt whole, for feelings in general. it's occurred to me in the past couple years that i seem to be more attached to places than people. that shouldn't sound bad, because it's not. and that's because the people i met in each place were more like a part of that location, intrinsic to it, characteristics of the place. where you are definitely determines what kinds of people you meet. put me in a metropole like DC and i'll be outgoing and meet people with whom i feel comfortable. transport me to a colonial town, and i'll want to die, the come to terms with it, but not enough to prevent me from applying to transfer, and then be too scared to go through with it, end up back in the same backwater place, have the same thoughts, and partially come to terms with it. by the time i graduate i see myself being all right here, but i don't see any desire to want to come back at homecoming, donate money, or anything of the sort. which is why i want to go away next year. i can't wait. at the moment i'm scheduled to go to the bard program in NYC in the fall and then to toulouse (or berlin) in the spring. but during the past couple weeks i've been thinking that maybe i just want to do something completely different and be able to abandon my life here with some sort of excuse and without too many reprecussions. i'm not allowed to go to the middle east, so i might as well booze it up in france and immerse myself (in culture not booze).
my mom is coming tomorrow! i miss her so much - she was in holland and switzerland for a while, and now she's coming to williamsburg to see me. we are going to go out to dinner and to a french film and have copious amounts of general fun, i hope. refuge!
about france, and my life in general, i think in this pursuit for adventure, sometimes i seem to expect big things to happen just because i'm in a place i want to be. when i'm here, i want to be in DC because i think i'm going to go out to a bar and do something crazy and meet silly people, but i usually end up watching some weird show like 'dog the bounty hunter' with my mom. when i'm bored at home, i think about flying off to europe or some other interesting place, and doing some variation of the same things as above. but honestly, even this past summer, though fun, was nothing monumental to write home about. and now i'm planning out this whole junior which, while i'm 100% it will be a great experience and far better than the present, i think i'm doing the same with. i'm looking at summer programs in istanbul for after my time in france, and i feel myself doing the same thing. why do i often end up being satisfied but not realizing any of these crazy youthful moments in time that i want to achieve? i think i must expect too much. or i need to put myself out there. i guess, really, i just project expectations and these grand fantasies of adventure onto events... before they even happen.
my roommate & i no longer speak, not that speaking to her was ever beneficial or positive. basically, she was going to move out, then decided not to, then was convinced by the RA to go through with it, then changed her mind again. i hate her. she is a psycho - literally disturbed - without any form of social skills. she has crazy things in her mind. and apparently this idiot girl on the hall who talks about everyone all the time while sitting atop her pedestal has talked about me too - yeah, ok, go tell everyone i was drunk while studying arabic with you. right. at least i get the room to myself friday afternoon through monday morning as a result of her childish urge to run home every weekend. there is so much tension though; i get uncomfortable.
my life is going all right at the moment, besides the rage that i harbor towards the person i have to live with. (though her avoidance of me has practically turned into a full-time job at this point.) i'm moderately satisfied. i don't go out really at all, but this is mainly for two reasons: first, the parties i do go to bore me and second, watching conan by myself in my room on the weekend is enough of a party for me these days. i do things mainly on my own, like going to the french film festival or taking this short course on america in the world. i get my work done on time (or find creative ways of not needing to do it). i see lizB a lot a lot and it makes me happy. i will miss her very much and we have a great connection which makes our understanding of each other perfect on so many levels. pooja & i are becoming really good friends which makes me happy - we complain to each other about this school & our shitty roommates, and she tells me stories about indian riots and plots against her family.
sometimes i feel like this feeling of missing something follows me around now and then. not missing as in having a piece of me lost (which may also be applicable), but more like i just long for people in whose lives i used to be present, for places where i eventually felt whole, for feelings in general. it's occurred to me in the past couple years that i seem to be more attached to places than people. that shouldn't sound bad, because it's not. and that's because the people i met in each place were more like a part of that location, intrinsic to it, characteristics of the place. where you are definitely determines what kinds of people you meet. put me in a metropole like DC and i'll be outgoing and meet people with whom i feel comfortable. transport me to a colonial town, and i'll want to die, the come to terms with it, but not enough to prevent me from applying to transfer, and then be too scared to go through with it, end up back in the same backwater place, have the same thoughts, and partially come to terms with it. by the time i graduate i see myself being all right here, but i don't see any desire to want to come back at homecoming, donate money, or anything of the sort. which is why i want to go away next year. i can't wait. at the moment i'm scheduled to go to the bard program in NYC in the fall and then to toulouse (or berlin) in the spring. but during the past couple weeks i've been thinking that maybe i just want to do something completely different and be able to abandon my life here with some sort of excuse and without too many reprecussions. i'm not allowed to go to the middle east, so i might as well booze it up in france and immerse myself (in culture not booze).
my mom is coming tomorrow! i miss her so much - she was in holland and switzerland for a while, and now she's coming to williamsburg to see me. we are going to go out to dinner and to a french film and have copious amounts of general fun, i hope. refuge!
about france, and my life in general, i think in this pursuit for adventure, sometimes i seem to expect big things to happen just because i'm in a place i want to be. when i'm here, i want to be in DC because i think i'm going to go out to a bar and do something crazy and meet silly people, but i usually end up watching some weird show like 'dog the bounty hunter' with my mom. when i'm bored at home, i think about flying off to europe or some other interesting place, and doing some variation of the same things as above. but honestly, even this past summer, though fun, was nothing monumental to write home about. and now i'm planning out this whole junior which, while i'm 100% it will be a great experience and far better than the present, i think i'm doing the same with. i'm looking at summer programs in istanbul for after my time in france, and i feel myself doing the same thing. why do i often end up being satisfied but not realizing any of these crazy youthful moments in time that i want to achieve? i think i must expect too much. or i need to put myself out there. i guess, really, i just project expectations and these grand fantasies of adventure onto events... before they even happen.