courtesy laughs
it's early morning and i'm listening to phoenix. it is the perfect mix of melancholy and hopeful, i say. working on my last assignment of the semester.. analysis of gender roles in aeschylus's oresteia woo.
i wish i had more of an inclination to do things for my personal improvement and/or sanity. i wish i had the urge to take a walk from time to time. i wish i could still write...
anyway this week has been one of pretty intense emotional turmoil. the whole next semester issue is eating me up, from the inside out. i guess i've decided that i'll stay here for spring and then go to NYC in the fall. taking a page from my mother's book, i'll do what i need to do first and then do more optional things later. but i feel like i will die? williamsburg kills me. i am left so unfulfilled by the majority of my daily social interactions that i do things like i have this weekend, which entails locking myself in my room, watching conan o'brien, painting my nails, and trying to get work done. i guess the main thing about next semester that would be hard is that there is only 1 break (a week for spring vacation) so it would be hard for me to continue what i'm doing now which is to live break-to-break.
my mom is on an airplane to israel right now. i miss her so much, even though she often treats me like shit, but she is literally all i have had for my entire life. and actually for a while i didn't even have her. i think about that sometimes, that i missed out on a year and a half with my mom when i was a child because of the kidnapping. maybe i wasn't supposed to leave home when i was 18. but there's a lot more than just that.. i see people around me, and as much as i try to have hope in humanity, the conversations i overhear in the UC and the blank expressions i see as i walk around old campus make my belief in People hard to maintain. all i see is a crowd of relatively docile creatures, sometimes with those loudmouthed overachievers of which we seem to have so many here.
i guess we're all looking for the grand adventure. or at least i hope so, because that's all i seem to think about. i sit in arabic class and imagine future fantastic adventures disappearing into little streets in the casbah that meander up hills, sitting in a cafe in beirut, or something. sometimes this idealized notion of the arab world creeps up on me - do i really think that maybe returning to the arab culture from whence i partially came would make me feel like a part of something? also, i imagine living in DC or NYC and doing something. that's basically all that that fantasy requires, because that would be more than i'm doing now. i would love to work for some NGO, and have money to buy proenza schouler dresses, and to eventually have someone to go out with, discuss with, maybe even have sex with. haha, even that sounds far off.
i wish i had more of an inclination to do things for my personal improvement and/or sanity. i wish i had the urge to take a walk from time to time. i wish i could still write...
anyway this week has been one of pretty intense emotional turmoil. the whole next semester issue is eating me up, from the inside out. i guess i've decided that i'll stay here for spring and then go to NYC in the fall. taking a page from my mother's book, i'll do what i need to do first and then do more optional things later. but i feel like i will die? williamsburg kills me. i am left so unfulfilled by the majority of my daily social interactions that i do things like i have this weekend, which entails locking myself in my room, watching conan o'brien, painting my nails, and trying to get work done. i guess the main thing about next semester that would be hard is that there is only 1 break (a week for spring vacation) so it would be hard for me to continue what i'm doing now which is to live break-to-break.
my mom is on an airplane to israel right now. i miss her so much, even though she often treats me like shit, but she is literally all i have had for my entire life. and actually for a while i didn't even have her. i think about that sometimes, that i missed out on a year and a half with my mom when i was a child because of the kidnapping. maybe i wasn't supposed to leave home when i was 18. but there's a lot more than just that.. i see people around me, and as much as i try to have hope in humanity, the conversations i overhear in the UC and the blank expressions i see as i walk around old campus make my belief in People hard to maintain. all i see is a crowd of relatively docile creatures, sometimes with those loudmouthed overachievers of which we seem to have so many here.
i guess we're all looking for the grand adventure. or at least i hope so, because that's all i seem to think about. i sit in arabic class and imagine future fantastic adventures disappearing into little streets in the casbah that meander up hills, sitting in a cafe in beirut, or something. sometimes this idealized notion of the arab world creeps up on me - do i really think that maybe returning to the arab culture from whence i partially came would make me feel like a part of something? also, i imagine living in DC or NYC and doing something. that's basically all that that fantasy requires, because that would be more than i'm doing now. i would love to work for some NGO, and have money to buy proenza schouler dresses, and to eventually have someone to go out with, discuss with, maybe even have sex with. haha, even that sounds far off.