I need a hug?
Lately I have had the hugest feeling that I have met all the men I will ever meet and that is it. It is over. I lose.
I know this is a silly thought process, but that is how I feel. I guess there is just something daunting about realizing I am about to be 20 (well, in February) and I have not so much as been out on a date, much less been in an actual relationship. (Note: This does not mean I want to go out on random dates with whoever, as I am just not that type of person, it instead means just what it says: I would like to go out on a date, complete with the excitement and attraction that should accompany such an outing).
I guess my point is that I just feel like I am never enough. And I do not express this feeling only in relation to dating (that just so happens to be the emotional platform this feeling is standing on tonight), I feel this when it comes to everything lately. I am not smart enough to make better grades in class, I am not spending enough time with God the way I should, I am not really a good enough friends to the people I claim to care about, I am not passionate enough about anything, I am not devoted enough to the things I should be devoted to, I am not attractive enough to be sought after (that is, unless the man is a stalker or a creepy black man who beckons me in grunts), I am not independent enough, I am not talented enough to really have talent at all..... I am just not enough.
Now, when it comes to dating, I know that all comes at the right time. (Try telling my impatient nature that, ha!) I am not writing this because I think I am ugly, so there is no need to suggest a self-help book to me as a source of encouragement (I do not say that rudely, but instead just to say that I really am alright, I am just thinking a lot tonight). I am not writing this to say that I have extremely low self-esteem either, because I know I am not nothing.... I just feel as if, though I am something, I am not enough.
I know what it's like to feel like I'm nothing, and I know what it's like to feel like I am not enough... and I think I prefer being nothing. To be not enough simply means that I am trying as hard as I can, but that I have failed.
*Sigh* Now, please excuse everything you have just read, by realizing that I think too much and my thoughts must be written or else they will be pent up and lead to many more tear filled nights than previously planned on. Thank you.
PS: Thank you to everyone who encourages me. I am generally happy, regardless of what this note expresses, and seeing you guys with your smiles and hugs increases that happiness level immensely. I treasure you.
I know this is a silly thought process, but that is how I feel. I guess there is just something daunting about realizing I am about to be 20 (well, in February) and I have not so much as been out on a date, much less been in an actual relationship. (Note: This does not mean I want to go out on random dates with whoever, as I am just not that type of person, it instead means just what it says: I would like to go out on a date, complete with the excitement and attraction that should accompany such an outing).
I guess my point is that I just feel like I am never enough. And I do not express this feeling only in relation to dating (that just so happens to be the emotional platform this feeling is standing on tonight), I feel this when it comes to everything lately. I am not smart enough to make better grades in class, I am not spending enough time with God the way I should, I am not really a good enough friends to the people I claim to care about, I am not passionate enough about anything, I am not devoted enough to the things I should be devoted to, I am not attractive enough to be sought after (that is, unless the man is a stalker or a creepy black man who beckons me in grunts), I am not independent enough, I am not talented enough to really have talent at all..... I am just not enough.
Now, when it comes to dating, I know that all comes at the right time. (Try telling my impatient nature that, ha!) I am not writing this because I think I am ugly, so there is no need to suggest a self-help book to me as a source of encouragement (I do not say that rudely, but instead just to say that I really am alright, I am just thinking a lot tonight). I am not writing this to say that I have extremely low self-esteem either, because I know I am not nothing.... I just feel as if, though I am something, I am not enough.
I know what it's like to feel like I'm nothing, and I know what it's like to feel like I am not enough... and I think I prefer being nothing. To be not enough simply means that I am trying as hard as I can, but that I have failed.
*Sigh* Now, please excuse everything you have just read, by realizing that I think too much and my thoughts must be written or else they will be pent up and lead to many more tear filled nights than previously planned on. Thank you.
PS: Thank you to everyone who encourages me. I am generally happy, regardless of what this note expresses, and seeing you guys with your smiles and hugs increases that happiness level immensely. I treasure you.