Sometimes words fail me and other times I fail them.
It feels so strange to be trying to write an LJ entry, my last post was Dec. of last year. I still love having this ongoing journal, and the ability to see where I was like 6 whatever years ago if I choose to. And I come often to read my "friends" posts and comment where I can. But in terms of new entries I have found myself strangely...
speechless?
I've always been introverted, a loner, private, secretive... But in recent months I've grown increasingly more bunkered and now well, I feel like I'm verging on agoraphobia sometimes. I hate leaving my apt, I don't DJ much anymore-or indeed set foot in nightclubs period. I love being with 1 or 2 friends even in a pub or wherever and that's cool. But the whole concept of "gatherings" leaves me breathless. I hate going to work, and even my family I can only take in moderation. It's why I didn't go see Nick Cave last year. That was the real start of it I think. I had a ride, a ticket, money, etc. I was even excited about hanging out with my ex-girlfriend who got me my ticket but the whole concept of leaving my bunker and traveling to Van/Seattle had me panicking.
My point being that perhaps my bunkering seems to have extended into blogging. And maybe that also started whenever it was last year that I officially "locked" up my journal? I steal quizzes to do and don't post them. I write things for here, Facebook, wherever, and never publish them. Even my DJ mixes I was putting up pretty regularly for awhile, I record them and then no one hears them.
But I think some of that could be related to the fact that my close friends all seem to have gotten shacked up. And with new boy/girl friends comes less time for other things people and so you retreat, I guess. Or at least I've always been someone who has to be encouraged erm dragged out.
Yesterday was a day to remember. Thanks to subdermal I fired a gun okay several guns for the first time ever in the afternoon.
/zombie_preparation
And then in the evening my mom passed away. I'm okay I guess, it was a blessing,
for lack of a better word she's suffered so much and it's been coming. She found out that she had lung cancer in only February, and it moved fast from there. It's awful to sit with someone as a Doctor tells them the disease that they have has zero hope for any treatment whatsoever, only for pain and (hopefully) quality of life management for a short-time. And awful/surreal to be making funeral plans for someone who isn't dead yet.
She was moved to a hospice only a couple of weeks ago and I had no idea, they are genuinely beautiful places. Nonprofits, they charge their patients absolutely nothing to have somewhere beautiful to die with as much dignity and grace as is possible prescriptions etc obviously withstanding. My mom had her own huge room, hospital bed, satellite TV, etc. and round the clock nursing care. And there's a social worker and spiritual care if the survivors have need of those. I think if I can get the wherewithal I might volunteer at one in Calgary, to give back. I need to try to get out of my apt more and well, it's something I could do.
My work has been crazy. Or perhaps I've just changed and it's getting to me more. We had a guy OD on morphine & epinephrine in the bathroom. He was grey, no pulse, we started CPR and ran for our defibrillator. I've attached the defib's paddles in the past as a precautionary measure, but never actually had it charge and shock. This time it did it checks for a pulse & electrical activity in the heart for itself, and won't shock if conditions aren't right. It shocked him 3 times and in-between we kept up CPR until the paramedics got there. They used adrenaline(?) and got his pulse back; he's okay now. But since then a month & a half maybe? we've had 2 other clients OD and die, having only found them too late. I need to win the lotto.
I don't know why I'm writing this really. Except that I feel the need to write something? I'm not putting anything about my mom on Facebook etc. I don't want a wall full of condolences I'll only delete them. Really I guess I go there to escape, but LJ well, I don't know why I come here anymore? Loneliness, curiosity, and habit. The feeling of community? I only have a few honest friends, and then a handful of acquaintances who are probably represented in whoever on here still reads this. So whoever is reading this <3 <3 <3