life as I figure it
hmmm...where to start. I'll leave off all of the in-depth car info and all b/c all of yall don't have a slight clue or care...ok. life. my life. i was always a poor english student. I have problems expressing myself and my emotions, but I usually do so in person rather than writing. probably a bad choice on my behalf because I am no eloquent speaker. I believe I may have finally hit a point in my life I can call neuteral. if even for a day, for this moment, I am completely neutral. I have a plan and a goal and no real idea as to how it will all work. I have a job that I like alot. not getting dirty and all, but the learnig and fun in a shop. ok,ok I like getting dirty too. I have a family that is still together and relatively very supportive most of the time. I feel bad like i'm almost playing a game with them some times because I have to feign. reminds me of church. played a perfect youthleader god-loving man and in truth was a complete hypocrite. I still understand the bible better than most men of the bible. that said... I love my car. Its a pos, but it is getting better. The friends I have right now mean more to me than anything else. I know they all care and respect me and I them. It seems to be hard sometimes to know who our true friends are until life gets hard, and harder. Its then that you look around you and see whos still standing with you and understand that some of the friendships and people you neglected are the only ones standing by you and willing to help during the hardest times of your life. I appreciate all of my friends because they are just that. true friends. I feel more like a family than friends. we still have problems with each other now and then, not to mention all the petty bullshit and drama, but we are people, and thats how it goes when there are people in the equation.
and then theres my love life. oh shit. not to be a male chauvinist asshole (show my other side) but just as a reference and an idea: no sex for the last 13 months; haven't passionately kissed anyone in over 2 months; haven't held anyone like I like to in over 2 years, although there was a split-second glimpse of it last night; haven't gotten to the point of buying nice things for the person i'm with in 8 or 9 months; haven't cuddled on the couch watching the rain in so long I can't remember; haven't taken a romantic walk on the beach in almost 3 years. ok, you get the point... WELL...theres this girl. everyone reading this knows, but in the effort of anonymity, no names. Ok, so heres the skinny. Shes my ex g/f. I am an asshole sometimes and a crazy, impulsive driver all the time. the problem was she found out. nevertheless. I still really care about her and want the absolute best for her and her life. she makes me nervous because I care so much about her, and I just don't want to fuck up again. I have this knack for fucking up. I would do anything and give everything to have her in my life. things will never be simple. I understand that me being just a friend right now might be what she needs. I want to be exactly the person she needs right now, no matter what that is. My problem is she won't really open up to me completely or be decisive. I don't want to push her or tell her what to do because that would make me the SAME THING that she needs to be away from. I want her to be able to be herself, find out who she is, make decisions for herself, and be FREE. I want to do nothing to keep that from happening. nothing.
damnit, I think the parks on fire again. gotta run and put it out. just follow the green light. don't trip because youre clumsy. watch out for cops.
and then theres my love life. oh shit. not to be a male chauvinist asshole (show my other side) but just as a reference and an idea: no sex for the last 13 months; haven't passionately kissed anyone in over 2 months; haven't held anyone like I like to in over 2 years, although there was a split-second glimpse of it last night; haven't gotten to the point of buying nice things for the person i'm with in 8 or 9 months; haven't cuddled on the couch watching the rain in so long I can't remember; haven't taken a romantic walk on the beach in almost 3 years. ok, you get the point... WELL...theres this girl. everyone reading this knows, but in the effort of anonymity, no names. Ok, so heres the skinny. Shes my ex g/f. I am an asshole sometimes and a crazy, impulsive driver all the time. the problem was she found out. nevertheless. I still really care about her and want the absolute best for her and her life. she makes me nervous because I care so much about her, and I just don't want to fuck up again. I have this knack for fucking up. I would do anything and give everything to have her in my life. things will never be simple. I understand that me being just a friend right now might be what she needs. I want to be exactly the person she needs right now, no matter what that is. My problem is she won't really open up to me completely or be decisive. I don't want to push her or tell her what to do because that would make me the SAME THING that she needs to be away from. I want her to be able to be herself, find out who she is, make decisions for herself, and be FREE. I want to do nothing to keep that from happening. nothing.
damnit, I think the parks on fire again. gotta run and put it out. just follow the green light. don't trip because youre clumsy. watch out for cops.