LJI Week 11: Wild Goose Chase
Morning ya bunch of scrubs! Grab a seat, cop a squat, cause it's time for another of Dizzy's infamous salty Navy stories! "But Dizzy", I hear coming from your flapping trap, "most of your stories are about stuff that happened at shore training commands! Anyone at college could have written them, what makes them so salty?" The quick answer is "Your tears if ya don't stop interrupting me!" The longer answer is "Your tears if ya don't stop interrupting me, so sit down and listen!" The longer, longer answer is that it's not all about the content, the tale you have to tell. It's all about the way you spin the yarn, the amount of swagger in your step so to speak. Today's tale is full of content and attitude, so let's get at it if ya don't mind!
Our tale finds yours truly back in 1990, slogging his way through boot camp. They're releasing us into an unwary public for the first time, our uniforms all pressed with ranks fresh on our sleeves. It's restricted leave day which means everyone gets bussed somewhere, dumped off to get in trouble, then dragged back to be punished for whatever hellish social failures we perpetrated. We're Navy, someone's guaranteed to misbehave in public.
Our group was taken out to Universal Studios in Orlando. We all line up in the parking lot, they have us take a damn good look at where we're at, and make damn sure we know that the buses run once an hour from that spot until 1800 (6pm for you all). Miss the last bus, and your ass is theirs. Off we go to see the sights, eat a bunch of crap we haven't had access to in months, and rouse the rabble.
So, as expected, I manage to get separated from my shipmates I'd been hanging out with and get completely lost. It's getting late, and I know damn well I don't want to miss that last bus. I stop in the gift shop, and ask for directions back to the front gate. The nice young man points me down the path in front of the store, which I should follow to the end then turn, and follow THAT until I'm at the gate. It's a hell of a long walk, and I'm getting nervous so it turns into a power walk, then a bit of a jog. I come around the corner and BAM! Nothing there, it a dead end where they're building a new exhibit. I ask someone THERE how to get to the main gate, and find out the little fucker had sent me in the exact opposite direction. I tear ass through the park, out the gate, and into the parking lot...
...where I watch the last bus pulling away, taking with it all hope of keeping ownership of my ass. Well, shit.
Your beloved narrator is sitting on his keister right at this moment, so obviously I figured something out. I mention this cause I see a few of you checking. It is fabulous, and will be available for pictures after the show.
Anyway, back to the story. Looking around the parking lot for anything that looks like an alternative, I see some Navy uniforms disappearing into a bus. Maybe I didn't miss the last one, and I'm saved! Nope, different bus. It's the USO bus though, and the USO is on base, and I need to get to base. Solution found! I pay my last dime to get on, go find a seat, and wait.
And wait. And wait. The USO bus doesn't go from the base to Universal and back. It goes from base, to Universal, to Sea World, to Disney, to Epcot, to Adventure Island, to every god damned touristy spot in Orlando they could think of, THEN it goes back to base! It waits in every parking lot for people to get a chance to get there and get on the bus too. For three hours I sat on the bus with the cold, soul destroying inevitability of my doom sinking in with the passing of each second.
Eventually the bus pulls up outside the USO building and dumps me off. I'm a recruit on the wrong side of base, on the wrong side of the gate in, AWOL, and clueless. A tiny glimmer of luck shines on me though. I started at a higher rank than most in Boot, and we're wearing our full uniforms with rank on them. The only way someone knows I'm a recruit, is if I act like a recruit. Well fuck me here we go! I tip my hat back a little, swagger up to the gate, flash my ID, and straight on through! I avoided doing anything and everything recruits do. Just a nod and an "Evening Chief!" as I passed company commanders, strutting down the middle of the walkway, smiling and bopping along like I owned the place. I gave not a single indication I was scared to nearly crapping my trousers.
I kept that up right to our barracks, up the stairs to the second floor, and then instantly locked it on like a recruit in case someone saw me and knocked lightly on the door. The recruit on watch issued the challenge, and I whispered "Open the fucking door it's me!" The door flew open, and a bunch of my buddies where staring out the door at me and yanking me through. When everyone lined up and they counted off one of my bunkmates noticed I was missing, flubbed the count off by one, and for the first time we had seen our Chief didn't notice! So NOBODY KNEW I wasn't there! Sure, I could have been dead in a ditch, but better risking that than see me assless. I ran back to my bunk, stripped off my uniform and stuffed it under the mattress, and just got a pair of shorts on when the Chief came back to check on us and make sure we hadn't screwed anything up. No sir, all fine here sir. Ass intact, I'm happy! And lesson learned, never trust a landlubber to set your course!
Our tale finds yours truly back in 1990, slogging his way through boot camp. They're releasing us into an unwary public for the first time, our uniforms all pressed with ranks fresh on our sleeves. It's restricted leave day which means everyone gets bussed somewhere, dumped off to get in trouble, then dragged back to be punished for whatever hellish social failures we perpetrated. We're Navy, someone's guaranteed to misbehave in public.
Our group was taken out to Universal Studios in Orlando. We all line up in the parking lot, they have us take a damn good look at where we're at, and make damn sure we know that the buses run once an hour from that spot until 1800 (6pm for you all). Miss the last bus, and your ass is theirs. Off we go to see the sights, eat a bunch of crap we haven't had access to in months, and rouse the rabble.
So, as expected, I manage to get separated from my shipmates I'd been hanging out with and get completely lost. It's getting late, and I know damn well I don't want to miss that last bus. I stop in the gift shop, and ask for directions back to the front gate. The nice young man points me down the path in front of the store, which I should follow to the end then turn, and follow THAT until I'm at the gate. It's a hell of a long walk, and I'm getting nervous so it turns into a power walk, then a bit of a jog. I come around the corner and BAM! Nothing there, it a dead end where they're building a new exhibit. I ask someone THERE how to get to the main gate, and find out the little fucker had sent me in the exact opposite direction. I tear ass through the park, out the gate, and into the parking lot...
...where I watch the last bus pulling away, taking with it all hope of keeping ownership of my ass. Well, shit.
Your beloved narrator is sitting on his keister right at this moment, so obviously I figured something out. I mention this cause I see a few of you checking. It is fabulous, and will be available for pictures after the show.
Anyway, back to the story. Looking around the parking lot for anything that looks like an alternative, I see some Navy uniforms disappearing into a bus. Maybe I didn't miss the last one, and I'm saved! Nope, different bus. It's the USO bus though, and the USO is on base, and I need to get to base. Solution found! I pay my last dime to get on, go find a seat, and wait.
And wait. And wait. The USO bus doesn't go from the base to Universal and back. It goes from base, to Universal, to Sea World, to Disney, to Epcot, to Adventure Island, to every god damned touristy spot in Orlando they could think of, THEN it goes back to base! It waits in every parking lot for people to get a chance to get there and get on the bus too. For three hours I sat on the bus with the cold, soul destroying inevitability of my doom sinking in with the passing of each second.
Eventually the bus pulls up outside the USO building and dumps me off. I'm a recruit on the wrong side of base, on the wrong side of the gate in, AWOL, and clueless. A tiny glimmer of luck shines on me though. I started at a higher rank than most in Boot, and we're wearing our full uniforms with rank on them. The only way someone knows I'm a recruit, is if I act like a recruit. Well fuck me here we go! I tip my hat back a little, swagger up to the gate, flash my ID, and straight on through! I avoided doing anything and everything recruits do. Just a nod and an "Evening Chief!" as I passed company commanders, strutting down the middle of the walkway, smiling and bopping along like I owned the place. I gave not a single indication I was scared to nearly crapping my trousers.
I kept that up right to our barracks, up the stairs to the second floor, and then instantly locked it on like a recruit in case someone saw me and knocked lightly on the door. The recruit on watch issued the challenge, and I whispered "Open the fucking door it's me!" The door flew open, and a bunch of my buddies where staring out the door at me and yanking me through. When everyone lined up and they counted off one of my bunkmates noticed I was missing, flubbed the count off by one, and for the first time we had seen our Chief didn't notice! So NOBODY KNEW I wasn't there! Sure, I could have been dead in a ditch, but better risking that than see me assless. I ran back to my bunk, stripped off my uniform and stuffed it under the mattress, and just got a pair of shorts on when the Chief came back to check on us and make sure we hadn't screwed anything up. No sir, all fine here sir. Ass intact, I'm happy! And lesson learned, never trust a landlubber to set your course!