To Be Alone (With You): Chapter Nine / Part One
Title: To Be Alone (With You): Chapter Nine / Part One
Author: dizzycalm beta'd by the lovely Madneto
Rating: NC-17 (R this chapter)
Warnings: alcoholism, violence, sexual situations
Author's Note: This is a WIP and the first time I've written such a long fic. Hopefully each new chapter will be posted on either Wednesday or Thursdays each week.
Summary: Based on this prompt which I wrote and decided to take on myself.
AU set in modern time. Charles and Erik meet as kids. They grow up, discover their powers together, and eventually fall in love... though one is more opposed to the idea than the other. Erik wants what he can't have and Charles is terrified of being like his mother.
Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven, Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Part One
Every day for the next three years, whenever Erik or Charles leaves their apartment they encounter the sign Nina had painted herself reminding them why they always come back. It’s a cheesy saying of “Home Is Where the Heart Is,” with tiny figures of Charles and Erik on either side and rattles whenever the door is slammed in haste. The sign was the first item to enter the house and the last thing they see before leaving. Erik treasures it the most, even more than their beyond comfortable couch or stove that he’s allowed to use. Once in Freshmen year, Charles was in such a hurry to get to class he slammed the door shut roughly causing the corner to crack off. Erik forced him to the hardware store when he came back exhausted to buy wood glue and fixed it immediately or Erik swore he would badger Charles to death.
Charles sometimes worries he’s become too comfortable living with Erik for the past couple years and how easily it was to forget all his problems at home. He misses being at home when he’s sitting in class surrounded by strange thoughts in odd voices banging against his skull. He’d rather listen to Erik’s voice talking softly in his head all day and night or Erik’s louder thoughts whenever he’s upset or excited.
Erik and Charles have settled into living together nicely with their own comfortable routine within the first few days of moving in. Erik is almost used to seeing Charles walking around in his too big pajamas that hang off his frame, almost calling for Erik to just pull off and kiss and bite and caress every inch of his pale skin. Charles in return has figured out how to school his expression into a neutral calmness whenever Erik comes back from his workout shirtless and sweaty, followed by strutting around in a towel still wet from the shower with his is hair hand brushed back off his forehead.
The routine for their Freshmen year starts on Saturday mornings (it was Erik’s horrible idea to have class on Saturday morning) when Charles barges into Erik’s room to wake him up. After missing his first class since even his loud alarm clock couldn't wake the slumbering student, Charles had begun to physically pull Erik by the ankle out of his twin bed and onto the floor. Thankfully the coffee is already brewing and toast ready to be inhaled to soften the blow of an early class. Erik doesn’t understand how Charles is always up and ready for the day at ungodly hours even with no class that day. Thankfully Erik learns from his mistakes and next year all his classes are during the week and aren’t at the crack of dawn.
They grocery shop together in the middle of the week which is a first for Charles who was raised with food magically appearing in the cabinets thanks to his cook. The first trip is spent with Charles filled with giddy excitement at pushing the shop cart all by himself while throwing in anything that might look good even if they don’t need it.
“This looks good it has a cute little cow on it! Look Erik, there’s a little cow on the package.”
Eventually Erik decides to play with him by using his abilities to ram the metal cart into shelves, causing all the employees and other customers to grimace at Charles as he runs after it before the display of Campbell soups go crashing to the floor.
Most week nights are spent with the two of them making dinner together, settling at their small table over burnt bread and crunchy pasta. Neither of them is familiar with a stove and their apartment didn’t come with a microwave so it takes both Charles and Erik to create something edible. They don’t complain since they always have a laugh throwing spaghetti at the ceiling and trying to get the strand to fall on the other’s head. Charles has completely banned anything remotely spicy from their apartment after an incident they both agreed to never speak about again.
Movie night is Thursday where they gather around the coffee table, which is usually stacked with homework and coffee cups (empty and full). They chat and watch movies as they work their way through their piles of assignments until early the next morning when Charles is always the first to fall asleep, slumped against Erik’s shoulder.
Friday nights is when Moira calls Charles and they talk on the phone for hours. It seems the distance between them have caused them to grow closer as friends instead of having that awkward physical contact that causes Charles to clam up. Erik always goes out on those nights. He spends them with some stranger that flushes so prettily, ramming themselves down on his cock, with thoughts of Charles dancing in his head. When he comes home smelling like sex and strange cologne Charles never fails to be splayed out on the couch waiting for him to return with the chess board set up. They never talk about where Erik goes and why.
One late night Charles can’t sleep knowing Erik isn’t home yet so he decides to try and make himself so tea only to find no milk.
“Erik, we’re out of milk.” He gets an interesting thought in his head that he hasn’t tried to do since they were kids and decides it would be a good idea to see how far he can broadcast his thoughts to wherever Erik happens to be. Charles brings a hand up to his temple and concentrates to open the mental connection to Erik’s unique mind that is usually simple when they’re in the same room. It takes a few moments to wade through all the other minds trying to get his attention before he locks on and feels the familiar murmur of Erik’s voice.
“Ah, fuck! Oh god yes.” Erik’s thoughts are frantic and slick with a frenzied pleasure, gushing in waves through Charles’s own mind causing him to fall back against the island in their kitchen.
“Erik?” Charles gasps out as he feels himself grow harder and harder listening to Erik’s orgasm rapidly build as he suddenly feels Charles’s presence inside his head.
“Ch-Arles, get out of my mind!” Erik half groans and half gasps out. Charles is surprised when he throws up a wall, pushing him out of his mind right when an image of himself naked and sweating flashes through him, leaving him breathless and slumped on the floor.
Charles doesn’t wait in the living room for Erik to get home that night. He sits on his bed with his door closed as he listens to Erik in the shower, an uneasy feeling coiled in his gut. When he wakes up in the morning there’s a gallon of milk in the refrigerator and a note attached telling Charles to just text him next time.
The holidays are usually the times when they feel the closest to each other. They either travel to visit Nina and Raven (Shaw is usually there in the background) or decorate their house and spend hours upon hours cleaning for company. Erik likes to pretend Charles is his as they clean the dishes together or as he listens to all the worries Charles has about impressing Nina. He wishes he could shush all his fears away with a kiss, but settles for a squeeze of the shoulder while tapping their foreheads together.
Their very first Hanukkah and Christmas together are spent at their apartment. Charles watches Erik light the menorah, his voice roughly saying the blessing as Charles quietly listens. They exchange tiny yet meaningful gifts afterwards each night and Erik tries his best to recreate latkes that Charles proclaims to be the best thing he’s ever eaten. Christmas arrives with Raven sleeping in Charles’s bed while he sleeps on the couch, Erik on the floor (he insisted to keep Charles company even though the floor was uncomfortable and cold).
Nina and Shaw arrive later that day to find Erik dressed up as Santa, Raven wearing the stolen white beard, and Charles wearing a Mrs. Clause apron trying to bake cookies. Charles feels sick thinking about winters in the future without Erik by his side, taste testing his cookies, making sure Charles’s scarf is wrapped tight, and always carrying an extra pair of gloves since Charles constantly forgets his own. He’s rather be driving around alone with Erik looking at the Christmas lights than at some fancy social event his parents used to get invited to, chattering about his father’s many accomplishments.
Sophomore Year
Things between Erik and Charles start to get rocky one Thursday during their second year of college. It was once again Charles’s turn to pick out a film for their weekly movie night so he was out browsing the comedy section at the movie rental. His phone starts vibrating in his pocket causing him to jump and shake a little shocked dance due to the phone and its closeness to his groin before pulling it out and seeing a text from Erik.
“Be home really late. Can’t tonite.” Charles frowns down at the phone, displeased. He had his heart set on watching Erik laugh so hard he cried which one of his favorite sights since nobody else has seen him in such a state. It’s almost a secret between them that Erik can actually laugh until tears fell and his face hurt.
“Cant wat? Evrytin k?” Charles isn’t adept at texting with only one hand while holding onto a number of DVDs in the other. He’s rented the movies along with buying a few sugary snacks before his phone vibrates again.
“Have plans. Mail on counter.” Charles is close to just calling Erik or trying to hone onto his mind and getting the real reason, but he’s still nursing a migraine from class and he’s promised Erik to never do that again without permission first. Neither of them have missed a movie night since they became a ritual and he gets worried wondering what’s really wrong with Erik.
Erik is long gone by the time Charles gets home and he sees a huge box from Moira with cutesy stickers and hearts all over the cardboard. The box contains little gifts and items she’s collected around California. Sand in a little vial, candies from her favorite sweetshop, and a copy of the short story she wrote featuring a blue eyed boy facing a harsh family life that makes Charles wonder how much Moira really knew about his mother.
Erik can’t stand any reminders of Charles preferring somebody else so when the mail lady dropped off the box he had to leave before Charles got the chance to riffle through and share his gifts with Erik. He couldn’t sit there another night of feeling so close to Charles and then realizing as they parted ways for the night how much distance really separates them. Erik doesn’t want there to be anything keeping them apart including significant others, bedrooms, or clothing. He does the only thing he can whenever those thoughts get too much for him and finds a random stranger to work his pent up desires out on. Afterwards he only feels guilt and shame.
“Where have you been?” Charles asks when Erik finally comes home at two in the morning, clothes messed and hair displaced. He doesn’t mean for it to come off sounding jealous and upset, but he is a little of both.
“Why don’t you read my mind and find out?” Erik is oozing discomfort and disgust at himself; he’s filled with shame and hurt feelings. Charles doesn’t dive inside his mind any further than reading the surface thoughts. He follows Erik throughout the apartment as he takes off his jacket and washes his face in the kitchen sink.
“Sex? That’s what this was all about?” Charles laugh sounds brittle and fake to his own ears. “Oh mighty Erik, your sex is like the angry fist of a god!” He pokes fun trying to get Erik to lighten up his mood.
“At least that’s what the fellas say,” Erik grumbles back half-heartedly, gurgling water to get the horrid taste out of his mouth. He hadn’t meant for Charles to see him like this and feels oddly like he’s committed adultery.
“What?” Charles looks at him strangely as he realizing something important about his closest and dearest friend. “You’re gay?” He sounds shocked which shocks Erik. Erik had thought the two times Charles had popped into his head while he was in a rather intimate moment was enough so the moment of coming out wouldn’t be necessary.
“And?” Erik shrugs his shoulder getting upset that Charles hadn’t even noticed his sexuality after all these years. Erik didn’t flaunt his sex life, but he was always going off with guys and even had his tongue down Charles’s throat at one point. “Too wrapped up in your own self to notice my love for cock?” Erik sends his thoughts over to Charles, something that doesn’t happen so often anymore.
“I thought you wanted a family!” Charles yells out like an accusation making Erik wince. “Remember? You were going to name them after your parents.” He’s crowding Erik at the sink making him feel trapped.
“You are my family, Charles. You, Nina, and Raven,” Erik says softly with his eyes darting away and shoulders slumped. His anger has left him feeling defeated.
“You don’t find women attractive at all?” Charles had always visualized Erik getting married to some woman who adored him and her having child after dark haired child. He can’t even process Erik having a boyfriend and settling down with a man, the image leaving a sour taste in his mouth.
Charles thought and had hoped it was simply (or not so simply) high school hormones when he saw Erik with that stranger in the park. Erik’s only reply to his question was a small shrug before leaving the kitchen and shutting his bedroom door softly, leaving Charles confused and upset, the apartment feeling unusually quiet. Erik wasn’t following the plan Charles had envisioned for him.
The next day when Moira calls Charles doesn’t start the conversation with a greeting, but with immediately going straight into what happened the previous night with Erik. He had trouble that night going to sleep with thoughts of Erik going on dates with men and kissing them and then things got awkward when he felt himself getting hard. Of course Charles doesn’t tell all the details to Moira.
“I just want him to have a family of his own and be happy. I don’t want him to be alone, but I don’t want him having a relationship with a man either.” Charles knows he’s ranting and sounding confusing, but he has to explain his feelings and doing that to Erik just doesn’t feel possible right now. He wouldn’t understand and Charles doesn’t want anymore hurt feeling in their apartment.
“Charles, gay men can have families too. My professor and his partner of fifteen years adopted three kids!” Her voice sounds reassuring, but the words aren’t helping calm Charles down. He doesn’t want Erik to adopt with some random guy he meets on the street. Charles wants him to fall in love with somebody that knows him inside and out. He feels jealous and confused and hates himself for even asking Erik’s sexual orientation. “Erik is a strong person and he’ll find happiness. It’s okay to be gay, Charles.” Moira laughs softly and Charles’s jaw tenses.
He doesn’t know it at the time, but on the other end of the phone the wheels in Moira’s mind starts turning and she starts remembering how protective and territorial not only Erik was but Charles too. She remembers how proud Charles looked whenever Erik threw his arm lazily about his shoulders or how Charles could never really pry his eyes away from Erik on the soccer field. He never actually seemed interested in the sport when Erik wasn’t playing.
“Charles?” Moira suddenly has a brilliant idea to find out what really is going on in New York between her “boyfriend” and Erik. “Do you know the rules of soccer?” She tries to sound nonchalant.
“Soccer? Moira, honestly? I can’t think straight let alone try and remember what rules that stupid sport has. I never cared for it, myself.” He sighed deeply as Moira almost groaned feeling stupid and blind. “Erik, though,” he trails off as if remembering some fond moment in the past. “He was so fast with that ball and fierce whenever on the field. It was like watching a dancer or an artist.”
“Charles, who do you see yourself with in the future?” She suddenly asks ripping the band-aid off and Charles from his daydreaming about the past.
“What? What is with all these changes in subject? Are you feeling alright?”
“Do you see yourself moving to California? There are some very lovely houses out here Charles, enough room for you and Raven. She’d love the ocean.” Moira softens her voice before adding, “Do you see yourself marrying me?”
“Moira,” Charles doesn’t know what to say without sounding selfish and hurting her feelings.
“I’m not actually asking you to marry me, Charles.” Moira laughs, trying to ease the tension. “But can you see yourself doing that?”
“I- I just don’t know.” Charles can’t imagine marrying anybody or moving away from New York. He’s sure there is a lot of opportunity out there for him and Raven would love surfing, but Erik isn’t there and it wouldn’t feel like home.
“That isn’t good enough for me, Charles.” Moira sighs heavily into the phone. “I feel like a fool.”
“I do care for you Moira an awful lot, but I don’t see myself being tied down before I’ve accomplished all the goals I’ve set for myself. I see a lot of working like a crazed person and going bald from all these stupid finals!” Charles feels frazzled from worrying about his relationship with Erik to worrying about letting Moira down.
“I could wait, but I need to know if you’d want to eventually marry me.” Moira waits for a reply from Charles who remains quiet. “I won’t demand an answer now since I’m sure your schoolwork is frying your brain, but I need one before we finish college.”
Charles agrees to give her question some thought and either let her go or make a serious commitment before college ends. He feels sick at already knowing what his answer is really going to be.
In the meantime the atmosphere in the apartment between Charles and Erik becomes tense or at least on Charles’s side. When Charles isn’t buried in a book at their school’s massive library he’s built up a fort in the living room, head down even after Erik comes home unusually early. Charles tries his best to completely wall off Erik’s mind and it feels like a stabbing pain whenever he’s reminded of the absent thoughts he’s used to hearing in his head.
Erik throws his messenger bag filled with heavy texts and notebooks on the coffee table, while falling down on the couch jostling Charles over. He looks over at Erik’s wet hair from the rain and tries his hardest not to reach out and brush it back. Lately whenever Erik is home at the same time Charles’s body is hyperaware of Erik’s the whole time, his skin itching to be touched by Erik’s fingers. He refuses to give in, because he prides himself on his restraint.
“Alright there, darling?” Erik asks him with a cheeky grin while taking out his books to settle in to study. Charles’s reply sounds a lot like an angry cub would make when poked so Erik bumps his shoulder with his own. Charles’s adorable scowl only brightens Erik’s smile which causes Charles to collect his schoolwork and leave the room, headed towards his bedroom. Erik had thought school was creating the distance between him and Charles, but now he isn’t so sure. He stops making an effort to spend alone time with Charles and feels like a knife has jabbed him in the ribs when Charles doesn’t say anything.
Two months later and their sophomore year ends with lonely nights, no friendly conversation, no giggling Charles, no movie nights, and no home cooked meals. Erik is close to driving them both insane so he decides to take the weekend to visit with Nina without telling Charles and when he enters his old home he finds Shaw sitting on a new sofa in the living room. He goes home Sunday night with plans to occupy Shaw and Nina to Germany next summer and visit his childhood town. It will be the first summer Charles and Erik spends apart since meeting. He hasn’t told Charles yet.
Erik spends most of his days talking to Nina and Raven instead of his own roommate and alleged best friend. His phone calls with Raven usually start out cheery with her asking about how many keg stands he’s done and the total number of professors he’s blown to achieve better grades (“Too many,” is Erik’s usual reply), but ends with them talking about Charles.
“How am I supposed to make him love me?” is the question Erik is constantly asking her and himself at night. He wants their easy relationship back and more, he wants so much more than Charles wants to give.
“He does love you; he just doesn’t want to love you.” Raven always sounds years beyond her actual age which she accounts to being in a long distance relationship as the cause.
“That’s worse.”
Junior Year
Raven starts college in the spring with Angel who Charles has helped get an apartment a few doors down from their own. Erik and Charles spend their whole summer helping them move in and dancing around each other with silted conversations and grunted greetings.
It’s around that time Erik turns twenty-one and instead of Raven’s insistence at having a huge drunken party (“You wouldn’t be allowed to go!” Charles had exclaimed as she told them her plans) he decides to have a nice and quiet dinner at Nina’s house. The day starts out okay with Charles actually making him breakfast that doesn’t consist of frozen waffles or pop-tarts and having small talk around the table. It’s continues to go well for Erik, but Charles isn’t so lucky.
His phone rings with the ID saying, “the mansion.” Charles doesn’t think anything of it as it’s probably the groundskeeper asking for permission or the cleaning service wanting instructions. Instead he hears the husky voice of his mother who currently in a sober state.
“Darling, the house is so empty today.” Charles can hear glasses clinking on granite and knows she is working on curing her sobriety. “You’ve left Mama all alone in this big house.”
“I’ve been gone for going on three years now, Mother.” He was in the middle of wrapping a beautifully crafted white gold watch for Erik which now lies forgotten on his bedspread.
“That long? It feels like just yesterday,” she pauses to take a sip from her crystal glass. “Why haven’t you visited?”
“I was there last week, but you were drunk.” He leans back against his headboard, closing his eyes to keep the room from spinning. He’s had conversations with his mother since starting college, but never when she was sober or aware of what was going on around her. He tried hiring a nurse to keep her company once a week, but Sharon had driven the woman out by throwing filled glasses of alcohol at her.
“I drink, because I’m alone,” her voice is quiet and sad. However she quickly cheers herself up with another gulp of brandy. “I’m going to die alone, you know.” She says cheerfully causing Charles to cover his mouth instead of allowing his mother to hear his shuddering breath.
“Don’t say that,” he tries to keep the pleading from his voice.
“I’ve known it since I married Kurt. The ones you love the most will always leave you, Charles. We all die alone in the end.”
Charles doesn’t make it to the birthday dinner.
Raven drives the slightly inebriated Erik home late that night, still clutching the half drunk wine bottle Shaw had insisted he wait a few years to open, given to him as an expensive birthday gift. Shaw stared with his mouth hanging open as the birthday boy downed half the thousand dollar bottle in one go, wine spilling onto his chin and dress shirt.
He burped before declaring, “The bottle’s pretty.” Erik had just received the message explaining Charles had plans and couldn’t be there that night. He had hoped their relationship was starting to repair itself.
“Happy Birthday to me!” He sings loudly as he walks down the small hallway to stand outside Charles’s door. “Char-les! Are you decent?” Erik goes to open his door, but finds it locked. Charles doesn’t make a move to get up and unlock it, he stays covered up in his bed with all the lights off pretending to sleep. “Charles?” Erik’s voice is quieter now. “Charles. I’d never do that to you on your own birthday.”
Charles shuts his eyes and keeps them shut, unwilling to let tears out as he feels Erik’s presence still outside his door, silently praying for Charles to open the door. He doesn’t and Erik goes to his own room to drink the rest of the bottle.
Charles leaves the present outside Erik’s door with the note, “If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over? - John Wooden. I have a big test this morning and needed the study time. Hope you had a blast. X Charles.”
He tries after that awful night to be friendly and open to Erik, but withholding himself at the same time. Erik immediately notices what he’s doing and yet plays along, enjoying the little part of Charles he’s now allowed to have. Eventually time wears Erik down to the point where he’s tired of walking on eggshells, of Charles never staying around him too long, and he misses feeling him inside his head. Sometimes he lies in bed and concentrates on the small sliver of metal around Charles’s neck just to feel him close again, to feel him breathing gently, and pretend it’s his hand resting on his chest instead of the necklace.
School work gets in the way of winning Charles’s friendship back though, and before he knows it Charles is having his own birthday. Raven is actually allowed to plan his party this time but only because Charles doesn’t know she’s planning it. His birthday falls on a Tuesday and since none of their friends can make it to the party on a weekday she stalls it until the Friday after, leaving Erik to beg Raven to plan something private for the big day.
The summer is approaching and Erik can’t leave things between himself and Charles like the way they are before he leaves for Germany. Erik has planned a birthday dinner consisting all of Charles’s favorite foods, favorite movie, and even purchased a candle of Charles’s favorite scent. The last item he hides in his closet thinking Charles would imagine he’s trying to seduce him where he’s only trying to show Charles he’s still the same old Erik and the fact that he’s gay doesn’t change anything. If Erik fails then hopefully the distance between them will help, but he can’t help the panic that surges his body whenever he thinks of Charles pulling away from him. Raven thought it would be a good idea to be absent during the dinner as a belated birthday present to Erik who never got what he wanted which was his best friend being there on his special day.
Charles wakes up on his birthday by Raven jumping on his bed, throwing confetti in his eyes. Erik’s standing in the doorway with his party blowout irritating Charles’s headache.
“Happy Birthday, Charles!” Charles groans and pushes Raven off with a thump before curling up on his side to get back to sleep.
However, the confetti keeps him from sleeping longer and eventually he makes his way to the kitchen. Raven had hung up brightly colored balloons and an obnoxious looking banner while Erik made confetti pancakes and spiked his tea with rum.
“Oh god, Erik!” Charles coughs as he pats him roughly on the back.
“You’re a man now, Charles.” Erik laughs as he fetches him a bottle of water. “I’ve a surprise for you if you don’t mind coming home after your last class?” Erik asks while he has his back to Charles, keeping his nervousness hidden.
“It doesn’t involve more hidden alcohol or confetti to the eyes then I’ll be here.”
“He won’t be jumping out of any cakes, either!” Raven added as she sprayed a huge amount of whipped cream on top of the confetti pancakes. Charles smacked her hand when she reached for chocolate sprinkles and dug in before she could put anymore sugar on the poor soggy cakes.
“Pity, because everybody should see me naked,” Erik said as he licked syrup from his fingers causing Charles to choke once more with a mouthful of food.
Charles tries to spend the rest of his day uninterrupted at the library, trying to fit in as much studying as possible. However, Sean and Alex have their own ideas and continue to text spam him all day, the phone vibrating loudly against the shiny wood table.
Later that day while Erik is furiously cooking and trying not to burn down the apartment, he is unaware that Charles is having his own panic attack outside the library. It had been a lovely day so far except for the rude morning confetti wake-up, but he enjoyed a nice birthday lunch at his favorite café with Raven behaving herself. He went back to the library afterwards and was on his way home with his phone rings once more, but this time it’s from Moira. It conversation starts out harmless with birthday wishes and asking about his day until the subject abruptly changes as he’s walking down the huge steps on his way home.
“You’d love California, Charles. If you moved out here I could take you to this restaurant which looks like a library and has named all their food after literary characters and their drinks after authors,” Moira doesn’t mean to cause alarm with her comment, but Charles stills his movement as he listens.
“Wouldn’t you rather move to New York again? I just can’t imagine leaving my whole life here.” He wants to say specifically Erik, but saying his whole life is close enough to explaining why he can’t leave. They haven’t been very close lately, but he’s still part of his family and their lives will always be entwined somehow. “I know you don’t like him, but I want Erik to be there for every big moment in my life. I can’t picture them without him.”
“I need to tell you something, but I want to let you know how important you are to me.” Moira sounds nervous and more quiet than usual. She’s been thinking about Erik and Charles a lot lately and has finally made up her mind regardless of how Charles would answer her big question. “I wasn’t planning on doing this on her birthday, but I’ve met someone and I think we should breakup.” The words come out in a rush leaving Charles stunned; this was not what he was expecting.
He was expecting Moira to always be there pulling him in one direction away from Erik and having to fight against her, but now he feels strangely free and terrified at the same time.
“His name is Steve and he’s really sweet, and honestly you could never love me like I need you to.” She can hear Charles about to deny her claim, but she interrupts before he can, “You already love Erik and I can’t get in between you two any longer.”
“What?” Charles sits down on the stone steps heavily feeling exhausted and bone weary. Students have to walk around him since his bag has fallen open with his books scattered around him. He feels lightheaded and there’s a sinking feeling deep down in his stomach.
“I want you to be happy,” Moira sounds like she’s crying quietly now and Charles digs the phone into his ear.
“I can’t or I’ll end up like my mother,” he chokes out feeling the tears wanting to fall and not allowing them to. “I can’t love him.” He drops the phone not able to stand it any longer and it clattered nosily to the concrete, snapping in half. Charles doesn’t know how long he sits there on the steps with his face in his hands. He thinks about his mother at home probably drunk and trying to destroy the house. He pictures himself in that empty mansion with alcohol as he’s only company with Erik off somewhere with mysterious men wearing strange cologne yelling at him to stay out of his head.
Charles then remembers a time when Kurt actually catered to his mother’s needs and tried making her happy even though his heart wasn’t behind it right before and right after they got married. He imagines having those short few months with Erik and wonders if that would be enough for the rest of his life, if he could carry on with only having such a short time with him. He’s honestly tired of fighting what he wants for so long. He decides right then and there that when love breaks him he’ll gladly jump into the fuzzy void of alcohol knowing he at least tried. The bright side is he won’t be able to have any kids to pass the genes along.
Charles heads straight for the local bar to kick off his destruction.
Part Two Will Be Posted Tomorrow
Author: dizzycalm beta'd by the lovely Madneto
Rating: NC-17 (R this chapter)
Warnings: alcoholism, violence, sexual situations
Author's Note: This is a WIP and the first time I've written such a long fic. Hopefully each new chapter will be posted on either Wednesday or Thursdays each week.
Summary: Based on this prompt which I wrote and decided to take on myself.
AU set in modern time. Charles and Erik meet as kids. They grow up, discover their powers together, and eventually fall in love... though one is more opposed to the idea than the other. Erik wants what he can't have and Charles is terrified of being like his mother.
Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven, Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Part One
Every day for the next three years, whenever Erik or Charles leaves their apartment they encounter the sign Nina had painted herself reminding them why they always come back. It’s a cheesy saying of “Home Is Where the Heart Is,” with tiny figures of Charles and Erik on either side and rattles whenever the door is slammed in haste. The sign was the first item to enter the house and the last thing they see before leaving. Erik treasures it the most, even more than their beyond comfortable couch or stove that he’s allowed to use. Once in Freshmen year, Charles was in such a hurry to get to class he slammed the door shut roughly causing the corner to crack off. Erik forced him to the hardware store when he came back exhausted to buy wood glue and fixed it immediately or Erik swore he would badger Charles to death.
Charles sometimes worries he’s become too comfortable living with Erik for the past couple years and how easily it was to forget all his problems at home. He misses being at home when he’s sitting in class surrounded by strange thoughts in odd voices banging against his skull. He’d rather listen to Erik’s voice talking softly in his head all day and night or Erik’s louder thoughts whenever he’s upset or excited.
Erik and Charles have settled into living together nicely with their own comfortable routine within the first few days of moving in. Erik is almost used to seeing Charles walking around in his too big pajamas that hang off his frame, almost calling for Erik to just pull off and kiss and bite and caress every inch of his pale skin. Charles in return has figured out how to school his expression into a neutral calmness whenever Erik comes back from his workout shirtless and sweaty, followed by strutting around in a towel still wet from the shower with his is hair hand brushed back off his forehead.
The routine for their Freshmen year starts on Saturday mornings (it was Erik’s horrible idea to have class on Saturday morning) when Charles barges into Erik’s room to wake him up. After missing his first class since even his loud alarm clock couldn't wake the slumbering student, Charles had begun to physically pull Erik by the ankle out of his twin bed and onto the floor. Thankfully the coffee is already brewing and toast ready to be inhaled to soften the blow of an early class. Erik doesn’t understand how Charles is always up and ready for the day at ungodly hours even with no class that day. Thankfully Erik learns from his mistakes and next year all his classes are during the week and aren’t at the crack of dawn.
They grocery shop together in the middle of the week which is a first for Charles who was raised with food magically appearing in the cabinets thanks to his cook. The first trip is spent with Charles filled with giddy excitement at pushing the shop cart all by himself while throwing in anything that might look good even if they don’t need it.
“This looks good it has a cute little cow on it! Look Erik, there’s a little cow on the package.”
Eventually Erik decides to play with him by using his abilities to ram the metal cart into shelves, causing all the employees and other customers to grimace at Charles as he runs after it before the display of Campbell soups go crashing to the floor.
Most week nights are spent with the two of them making dinner together, settling at their small table over burnt bread and crunchy pasta. Neither of them is familiar with a stove and their apartment didn’t come with a microwave so it takes both Charles and Erik to create something edible. They don’t complain since they always have a laugh throwing spaghetti at the ceiling and trying to get the strand to fall on the other’s head. Charles has completely banned anything remotely spicy from their apartment after an incident they both agreed to never speak about again.
Movie night is Thursday where they gather around the coffee table, which is usually stacked with homework and coffee cups (empty and full). They chat and watch movies as they work their way through their piles of assignments until early the next morning when Charles is always the first to fall asleep, slumped against Erik’s shoulder.
Friday nights is when Moira calls Charles and they talk on the phone for hours. It seems the distance between them have caused them to grow closer as friends instead of having that awkward physical contact that causes Charles to clam up. Erik always goes out on those nights. He spends them with some stranger that flushes so prettily, ramming themselves down on his cock, with thoughts of Charles dancing in his head. When he comes home smelling like sex and strange cologne Charles never fails to be splayed out on the couch waiting for him to return with the chess board set up. They never talk about where Erik goes and why.
One late night Charles can’t sleep knowing Erik isn’t home yet so he decides to try and make himself so tea only to find no milk.
“Erik, we’re out of milk.” He gets an interesting thought in his head that he hasn’t tried to do since they were kids and decides it would be a good idea to see how far he can broadcast his thoughts to wherever Erik happens to be. Charles brings a hand up to his temple and concentrates to open the mental connection to Erik’s unique mind that is usually simple when they’re in the same room. It takes a few moments to wade through all the other minds trying to get his attention before he locks on and feels the familiar murmur of Erik’s voice.
“Ah, fuck! Oh god yes.” Erik’s thoughts are frantic and slick with a frenzied pleasure, gushing in waves through Charles’s own mind causing him to fall back against the island in their kitchen.
“Erik?” Charles gasps out as he feels himself grow harder and harder listening to Erik’s orgasm rapidly build as he suddenly feels Charles’s presence inside his head.
“Ch-Arles, get out of my mind!” Erik half groans and half gasps out. Charles is surprised when he throws up a wall, pushing him out of his mind right when an image of himself naked and sweating flashes through him, leaving him breathless and slumped on the floor.
Charles doesn’t wait in the living room for Erik to get home that night. He sits on his bed with his door closed as he listens to Erik in the shower, an uneasy feeling coiled in his gut. When he wakes up in the morning there’s a gallon of milk in the refrigerator and a note attached telling Charles to just text him next time.
The holidays are usually the times when they feel the closest to each other. They either travel to visit Nina and Raven (Shaw is usually there in the background) or decorate their house and spend hours upon hours cleaning for company. Erik likes to pretend Charles is his as they clean the dishes together or as he listens to all the worries Charles has about impressing Nina. He wishes he could shush all his fears away with a kiss, but settles for a squeeze of the shoulder while tapping their foreheads together.
Their very first Hanukkah and Christmas together are spent at their apartment. Charles watches Erik light the menorah, his voice roughly saying the blessing as Charles quietly listens. They exchange tiny yet meaningful gifts afterwards each night and Erik tries his best to recreate latkes that Charles proclaims to be the best thing he’s ever eaten. Christmas arrives with Raven sleeping in Charles’s bed while he sleeps on the couch, Erik on the floor (he insisted to keep Charles company even though the floor was uncomfortable and cold).
Nina and Shaw arrive later that day to find Erik dressed up as Santa, Raven wearing the stolen white beard, and Charles wearing a Mrs. Clause apron trying to bake cookies. Charles feels sick thinking about winters in the future without Erik by his side, taste testing his cookies, making sure Charles’s scarf is wrapped tight, and always carrying an extra pair of gloves since Charles constantly forgets his own. He’s rather be driving around alone with Erik looking at the Christmas lights than at some fancy social event his parents used to get invited to, chattering about his father’s many accomplishments.
Sophomore Year
Things between Erik and Charles start to get rocky one Thursday during their second year of college. It was once again Charles’s turn to pick out a film for their weekly movie night so he was out browsing the comedy section at the movie rental. His phone starts vibrating in his pocket causing him to jump and shake a little shocked dance due to the phone and its closeness to his groin before pulling it out and seeing a text from Erik.
“Be home really late. Can’t tonite.” Charles frowns down at the phone, displeased. He had his heart set on watching Erik laugh so hard he cried which one of his favorite sights since nobody else has seen him in such a state. It’s almost a secret between them that Erik can actually laugh until tears fell and his face hurt.
“Cant wat? Evrytin k?” Charles isn’t adept at texting with only one hand while holding onto a number of DVDs in the other. He’s rented the movies along with buying a few sugary snacks before his phone vibrates again.
“Have plans. Mail on counter.” Charles is close to just calling Erik or trying to hone onto his mind and getting the real reason, but he’s still nursing a migraine from class and he’s promised Erik to never do that again without permission first. Neither of them have missed a movie night since they became a ritual and he gets worried wondering what’s really wrong with Erik.
Erik is long gone by the time Charles gets home and he sees a huge box from Moira with cutesy stickers and hearts all over the cardboard. The box contains little gifts and items she’s collected around California. Sand in a little vial, candies from her favorite sweetshop, and a copy of the short story she wrote featuring a blue eyed boy facing a harsh family life that makes Charles wonder how much Moira really knew about his mother.
Erik can’t stand any reminders of Charles preferring somebody else so when the mail lady dropped off the box he had to leave before Charles got the chance to riffle through and share his gifts with Erik. He couldn’t sit there another night of feeling so close to Charles and then realizing as they parted ways for the night how much distance really separates them. Erik doesn’t want there to be anything keeping them apart including significant others, bedrooms, or clothing. He does the only thing he can whenever those thoughts get too much for him and finds a random stranger to work his pent up desires out on. Afterwards he only feels guilt and shame.
“Where have you been?” Charles asks when Erik finally comes home at two in the morning, clothes messed and hair displaced. He doesn’t mean for it to come off sounding jealous and upset, but he is a little of both.
“Why don’t you read my mind and find out?” Erik is oozing discomfort and disgust at himself; he’s filled with shame and hurt feelings. Charles doesn’t dive inside his mind any further than reading the surface thoughts. He follows Erik throughout the apartment as he takes off his jacket and washes his face in the kitchen sink.
“Sex? That’s what this was all about?” Charles laugh sounds brittle and fake to his own ears. “Oh mighty Erik, your sex is like the angry fist of a god!” He pokes fun trying to get Erik to lighten up his mood.
“At least that’s what the fellas say,” Erik grumbles back half-heartedly, gurgling water to get the horrid taste out of his mouth. He hadn’t meant for Charles to see him like this and feels oddly like he’s committed adultery.
“What?” Charles looks at him strangely as he realizing something important about his closest and dearest friend. “You’re gay?” He sounds shocked which shocks Erik. Erik had thought the two times Charles had popped into his head while he was in a rather intimate moment was enough so the moment of coming out wouldn’t be necessary.
“And?” Erik shrugs his shoulder getting upset that Charles hadn’t even noticed his sexuality after all these years. Erik didn’t flaunt his sex life, but he was always going off with guys and even had his tongue down Charles’s throat at one point. “Too wrapped up in your own self to notice my love for cock?” Erik sends his thoughts over to Charles, something that doesn’t happen so often anymore.
“I thought you wanted a family!” Charles yells out like an accusation making Erik wince. “Remember? You were going to name them after your parents.” He’s crowding Erik at the sink making him feel trapped.
“You are my family, Charles. You, Nina, and Raven,” Erik says softly with his eyes darting away and shoulders slumped. His anger has left him feeling defeated.
“You don’t find women attractive at all?” Charles had always visualized Erik getting married to some woman who adored him and her having child after dark haired child. He can’t even process Erik having a boyfriend and settling down with a man, the image leaving a sour taste in his mouth.
Charles thought and had hoped it was simply (or not so simply) high school hormones when he saw Erik with that stranger in the park. Erik’s only reply to his question was a small shrug before leaving the kitchen and shutting his bedroom door softly, leaving Charles confused and upset, the apartment feeling unusually quiet. Erik wasn’t following the plan Charles had envisioned for him.
The next day when Moira calls Charles doesn’t start the conversation with a greeting, but with immediately going straight into what happened the previous night with Erik. He had trouble that night going to sleep with thoughts of Erik going on dates with men and kissing them and then things got awkward when he felt himself getting hard. Of course Charles doesn’t tell all the details to Moira.
“I just want him to have a family of his own and be happy. I don’t want him to be alone, but I don’t want him having a relationship with a man either.” Charles knows he’s ranting and sounding confusing, but he has to explain his feelings and doing that to Erik just doesn’t feel possible right now. He wouldn’t understand and Charles doesn’t want anymore hurt feeling in their apartment.
“Charles, gay men can have families too. My professor and his partner of fifteen years adopted three kids!” Her voice sounds reassuring, but the words aren’t helping calm Charles down. He doesn’t want Erik to adopt with some random guy he meets on the street. Charles wants him to fall in love with somebody that knows him inside and out. He feels jealous and confused and hates himself for even asking Erik’s sexual orientation. “Erik is a strong person and he’ll find happiness. It’s okay to be gay, Charles.” Moira laughs softly and Charles’s jaw tenses.
He doesn’t know it at the time, but on the other end of the phone the wheels in Moira’s mind starts turning and she starts remembering how protective and territorial not only Erik was but Charles too. She remembers how proud Charles looked whenever Erik threw his arm lazily about his shoulders or how Charles could never really pry his eyes away from Erik on the soccer field. He never actually seemed interested in the sport when Erik wasn’t playing.
“Charles?” Moira suddenly has a brilliant idea to find out what really is going on in New York between her “boyfriend” and Erik. “Do you know the rules of soccer?” She tries to sound nonchalant.
“Soccer? Moira, honestly? I can’t think straight let alone try and remember what rules that stupid sport has. I never cared for it, myself.” He sighed deeply as Moira almost groaned feeling stupid and blind. “Erik, though,” he trails off as if remembering some fond moment in the past. “He was so fast with that ball and fierce whenever on the field. It was like watching a dancer or an artist.”
“Charles, who do you see yourself with in the future?” She suddenly asks ripping the band-aid off and Charles from his daydreaming about the past.
“What? What is with all these changes in subject? Are you feeling alright?”
“Do you see yourself moving to California? There are some very lovely houses out here Charles, enough room for you and Raven. She’d love the ocean.” Moira softens her voice before adding, “Do you see yourself marrying me?”
“Moira,” Charles doesn’t know what to say without sounding selfish and hurting her feelings.
“I’m not actually asking you to marry me, Charles.” Moira laughs, trying to ease the tension. “But can you see yourself doing that?”
“I- I just don’t know.” Charles can’t imagine marrying anybody or moving away from New York. He’s sure there is a lot of opportunity out there for him and Raven would love surfing, but Erik isn’t there and it wouldn’t feel like home.
“That isn’t good enough for me, Charles.” Moira sighs heavily into the phone. “I feel like a fool.”
“I do care for you Moira an awful lot, but I don’t see myself being tied down before I’ve accomplished all the goals I’ve set for myself. I see a lot of working like a crazed person and going bald from all these stupid finals!” Charles feels frazzled from worrying about his relationship with Erik to worrying about letting Moira down.
“I could wait, but I need to know if you’d want to eventually marry me.” Moira waits for a reply from Charles who remains quiet. “I won’t demand an answer now since I’m sure your schoolwork is frying your brain, but I need one before we finish college.”
Charles agrees to give her question some thought and either let her go or make a serious commitment before college ends. He feels sick at already knowing what his answer is really going to be.
In the meantime the atmosphere in the apartment between Charles and Erik becomes tense or at least on Charles’s side. When Charles isn’t buried in a book at their school’s massive library he’s built up a fort in the living room, head down even after Erik comes home unusually early. Charles tries his best to completely wall off Erik’s mind and it feels like a stabbing pain whenever he’s reminded of the absent thoughts he’s used to hearing in his head.
Erik throws his messenger bag filled with heavy texts and notebooks on the coffee table, while falling down on the couch jostling Charles over. He looks over at Erik’s wet hair from the rain and tries his hardest not to reach out and brush it back. Lately whenever Erik is home at the same time Charles’s body is hyperaware of Erik’s the whole time, his skin itching to be touched by Erik’s fingers. He refuses to give in, because he prides himself on his restraint.
“Alright there, darling?” Erik asks him with a cheeky grin while taking out his books to settle in to study. Charles’s reply sounds a lot like an angry cub would make when poked so Erik bumps his shoulder with his own. Charles’s adorable scowl only brightens Erik’s smile which causes Charles to collect his schoolwork and leave the room, headed towards his bedroom. Erik had thought school was creating the distance between him and Charles, but now he isn’t so sure. He stops making an effort to spend alone time with Charles and feels like a knife has jabbed him in the ribs when Charles doesn’t say anything.
Two months later and their sophomore year ends with lonely nights, no friendly conversation, no giggling Charles, no movie nights, and no home cooked meals. Erik is close to driving them both insane so he decides to take the weekend to visit with Nina without telling Charles and when he enters his old home he finds Shaw sitting on a new sofa in the living room. He goes home Sunday night with plans to occupy Shaw and Nina to Germany next summer and visit his childhood town. It will be the first summer Charles and Erik spends apart since meeting. He hasn’t told Charles yet.
Erik spends most of his days talking to Nina and Raven instead of his own roommate and alleged best friend. His phone calls with Raven usually start out cheery with her asking about how many keg stands he’s done and the total number of professors he’s blown to achieve better grades (“Too many,” is Erik’s usual reply), but ends with them talking about Charles.
“How am I supposed to make him love me?” is the question Erik is constantly asking her and himself at night. He wants their easy relationship back and more, he wants so much more than Charles wants to give.
“He does love you; he just doesn’t want to love you.” Raven always sounds years beyond her actual age which she accounts to being in a long distance relationship as the cause.
“That’s worse.”
Junior Year
Raven starts college in the spring with Angel who Charles has helped get an apartment a few doors down from their own. Erik and Charles spend their whole summer helping them move in and dancing around each other with silted conversations and grunted greetings.
It’s around that time Erik turns twenty-one and instead of Raven’s insistence at having a huge drunken party (“You wouldn’t be allowed to go!” Charles had exclaimed as she told them her plans) he decides to have a nice and quiet dinner at Nina’s house. The day starts out okay with Charles actually making him breakfast that doesn’t consist of frozen waffles or pop-tarts and having small talk around the table. It’s continues to go well for Erik, but Charles isn’t so lucky.
His phone rings with the ID saying, “the mansion.” Charles doesn’t think anything of it as it’s probably the groundskeeper asking for permission or the cleaning service wanting instructions. Instead he hears the husky voice of his mother who currently in a sober state.
“Darling, the house is so empty today.” Charles can hear glasses clinking on granite and knows she is working on curing her sobriety. “You’ve left Mama all alone in this big house.”
“I’ve been gone for going on three years now, Mother.” He was in the middle of wrapping a beautifully crafted white gold watch for Erik which now lies forgotten on his bedspread.
“That long? It feels like just yesterday,” she pauses to take a sip from her crystal glass. “Why haven’t you visited?”
“I was there last week, but you were drunk.” He leans back against his headboard, closing his eyes to keep the room from spinning. He’s had conversations with his mother since starting college, but never when she was sober or aware of what was going on around her. He tried hiring a nurse to keep her company once a week, but Sharon had driven the woman out by throwing filled glasses of alcohol at her.
“I drink, because I’m alone,” her voice is quiet and sad. However she quickly cheers herself up with another gulp of brandy. “I’m going to die alone, you know.” She says cheerfully causing Charles to cover his mouth instead of allowing his mother to hear his shuddering breath.
“Don’t say that,” he tries to keep the pleading from his voice.
“I’ve known it since I married Kurt. The ones you love the most will always leave you, Charles. We all die alone in the end.”
Charles doesn’t make it to the birthday dinner.
Raven drives the slightly inebriated Erik home late that night, still clutching the half drunk wine bottle Shaw had insisted he wait a few years to open, given to him as an expensive birthday gift. Shaw stared with his mouth hanging open as the birthday boy downed half the thousand dollar bottle in one go, wine spilling onto his chin and dress shirt.
He burped before declaring, “The bottle’s pretty.” Erik had just received the message explaining Charles had plans and couldn’t be there that night. He had hoped their relationship was starting to repair itself.
“Happy Birthday to me!” He sings loudly as he walks down the small hallway to stand outside Charles’s door. “Char-les! Are you decent?” Erik goes to open his door, but finds it locked. Charles doesn’t make a move to get up and unlock it, he stays covered up in his bed with all the lights off pretending to sleep. “Charles?” Erik’s voice is quieter now. “Charles. I’d never do that to you on your own birthday.”
Charles shuts his eyes and keeps them shut, unwilling to let tears out as he feels Erik’s presence still outside his door, silently praying for Charles to open the door. He doesn’t and Erik goes to his own room to drink the rest of the bottle.
Charles leaves the present outside Erik’s door with the note, “If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over? - John Wooden. I have a big test this morning and needed the study time. Hope you had a blast. X Charles.”
He tries after that awful night to be friendly and open to Erik, but withholding himself at the same time. Erik immediately notices what he’s doing and yet plays along, enjoying the little part of Charles he’s now allowed to have. Eventually time wears Erik down to the point where he’s tired of walking on eggshells, of Charles never staying around him too long, and he misses feeling him inside his head. Sometimes he lies in bed and concentrates on the small sliver of metal around Charles’s neck just to feel him close again, to feel him breathing gently, and pretend it’s his hand resting on his chest instead of the necklace.
School work gets in the way of winning Charles’s friendship back though, and before he knows it Charles is having his own birthday. Raven is actually allowed to plan his party this time but only because Charles doesn’t know she’s planning it. His birthday falls on a Tuesday and since none of their friends can make it to the party on a weekday she stalls it until the Friday after, leaving Erik to beg Raven to plan something private for the big day.
The summer is approaching and Erik can’t leave things between himself and Charles like the way they are before he leaves for Germany. Erik has planned a birthday dinner consisting all of Charles’s favorite foods, favorite movie, and even purchased a candle of Charles’s favorite scent. The last item he hides in his closet thinking Charles would imagine he’s trying to seduce him where he’s only trying to show Charles he’s still the same old Erik and the fact that he’s gay doesn’t change anything. If Erik fails then hopefully the distance between them will help, but he can’t help the panic that surges his body whenever he thinks of Charles pulling away from him. Raven thought it would be a good idea to be absent during the dinner as a belated birthday present to Erik who never got what he wanted which was his best friend being there on his special day.
Charles wakes up on his birthday by Raven jumping on his bed, throwing confetti in his eyes. Erik’s standing in the doorway with his party blowout irritating Charles’s headache.
“Happy Birthday, Charles!” Charles groans and pushes Raven off with a thump before curling up on his side to get back to sleep.
However, the confetti keeps him from sleeping longer and eventually he makes his way to the kitchen. Raven had hung up brightly colored balloons and an obnoxious looking banner while Erik made confetti pancakes and spiked his tea with rum.
“Oh god, Erik!” Charles coughs as he pats him roughly on the back.
“You’re a man now, Charles.” Erik laughs as he fetches him a bottle of water. “I’ve a surprise for you if you don’t mind coming home after your last class?” Erik asks while he has his back to Charles, keeping his nervousness hidden.
“It doesn’t involve more hidden alcohol or confetti to the eyes then I’ll be here.”
“He won’t be jumping out of any cakes, either!” Raven added as she sprayed a huge amount of whipped cream on top of the confetti pancakes. Charles smacked her hand when she reached for chocolate sprinkles and dug in before she could put anymore sugar on the poor soggy cakes.
“Pity, because everybody should see me naked,” Erik said as he licked syrup from his fingers causing Charles to choke once more with a mouthful of food.
Charles tries to spend the rest of his day uninterrupted at the library, trying to fit in as much studying as possible. However, Sean and Alex have their own ideas and continue to text spam him all day, the phone vibrating loudly against the shiny wood table.
Later that day while Erik is furiously cooking and trying not to burn down the apartment, he is unaware that Charles is having his own panic attack outside the library. It had been a lovely day so far except for the rude morning confetti wake-up, but he enjoyed a nice birthday lunch at his favorite café with Raven behaving herself. He went back to the library afterwards and was on his way home with his phone rings once more, but this time it’s from Moira. It conversation starts out harmless with birthday wishes and asking about his day until the subject abruptly changes as he’s walking down the huge steps on his way home.
“You’d love California, Charles. If you moved out here I could take you to this restaurant which looks like a library and has named all their food after literary characters and their drinks after authors,” Moira doesn’t mean to cause alarm with her comment, but Charles stills his movement as he listens.
“Wouldn’t you rather move to New York again? I just can’t imagine leaving my whole life here.” He wants to say specifically Erik, but saying his whole life is close enough to explaining why he can’t leave. They haven’t been very close lately, but he’s still part of his family and their lives will always be entwined somehow. “I know you don’t like him, but I want Erik to be there for every big moment in my life. I can’t picture them without him.”
“I need to tell you something, but I want to let you know how important you are to me.” Moira sounds nervous and more quiet than usual. She’s been thinking about Erik and Charles a lot lately and has finally made up her mind regardless of how Charles would answer her big question. “I wasn’t planning on doing this on her birthday, but I’ve met someone and I think we should breakup.” The words come out in a rush leaving Charles stunned; this was not what he was expecting.
He was expecting Moira to always be there pulling him in one direction away from Erik and having to fight against her, but now he feels strangely free and terrified at the same time.
“His name is Steve and he’s really sweet, and honestly you could never love me like I need you to.” She can hear Charles about to deny her claim, but she interrupts before he can, “You already love Erik and I can’t get in between you two any longer.”
“What?” Charles sits down on the stone steps heavily feeling exhausted and bone weary. Students have to walk around him since his bag has fallen open with his books scattered around him. He feels lightheaded and there’s a sinking feeling deep down in his stomach.
“I want you to be happy,” Moira sounds like she’s crying quietly now and Charles digs the phone into his ear.
“I can’t or I’ll end up like my mother,” he chokes out feeling the tears wanting to fall and not allowing them to. “I can’t love him.” He drops the phone not able to stand it any longer and it clattered nosily to the concrete, snapping in half. Charles doesn’t know how long he sits there on the steps with his face in his hands. He thinks about his mother at home probably drunk and trying to destroy the house. He pictures himself in that empty mansion with alcohol as he’s only company with Erik off somewhere with mysterious men wearing strange cologne yelling at him to stay out of his head.
Charles then remembers a time when Kurt actually catered to his mother’s needs and tried making her happy even though his heart wasn’t behind it right before and right after they got married. He imagines having those short few months with Erik and wonders if that would be enough for the rest of his life, if he could carry on with only having such a short time with him. He’s honestly tired of fighting what he wants for so long. He decides right then and there that when love breaks him he’ll gladly jump into the fuzzy void of alcohol knowing he at least tried. The bright side is he won’t be able to have any kids to pass the genes along.
Charles heads straight for the local bar to kick off his destruction.
Part Two Will Be Posted Tomorrow