blah blah entry
So the summer is almost over. It seems I hardly update anymore. I used to write in this thing all the time. Well hopefully that means I'm doing something more productive with my life now. wait, what am I saying...
WELL I have one more godforsaken day of calculus to go. Tomorrow she gives us the take-home final which, as it is a take-home, shouldn't be too bad.. ah hell I'll find out tomorrow, won't I? And after I turn in the test I'll be done with my summer school Pima east adventure. It's really a lovely campus, complete with bright red-and-orange bird of paradise, bright purple-blooming bushes, and foot bridges over a small wash that filled up with mmuddy water and caused damage to buildings when it flooded.
Also I must say I've greatly appreciated the commute time as time for some good reading. Reading Lolita in Tehran was a good book, Life of Pi was a very good book, and I'm about a third of the way into my third summer book Memorias de una Geisha. Deseo terminarlo antes de que empiecen clases en la U.
Last night was pretty fun. I had pizza with some people from salpointe at Frog & Furkin(very disapointed No Anchovies is still closed), and then I got to see the house of 3 of my friends and also the house of my brother.
Today.. well part of today was good. I got to see my friend and meet her boyfriend who she met one month after I left the country and who is a major part of her life, which I really feel bad for having missed out on. Being gone and all. It's just another example of how people's lives didn't stop while I was gone. Of course they didn't. Everyone's moved on, been through a year of college and all the experiences of that first year, found boyfriends, girlfriends, jobs, internships, ...I feel I've missed out on all of it and I'm hopelessly lost now.
And I feel like a broken record, saying "In Ecuador I did this, In Ecuador it was like this, In Ecuador they say this, eat this, drink this, listen to this, dance this way."
I don't want people to get sick of me. But even I get sick of hearing myself say the same answers to the same questions. I don't know what other questions anyone should ask me. I don't know what to say or how to say it. It'd be nice to just snap my fingers and have everyone understand everything about my time in Ecuador. I wish I could stop feeling like nobody understands. It's such a self-centered way to feel.
But most of my friends won't/can't just jump right in and start speaking Spanglish with me, or "remember that time when"...we were in Carlos' appartment and were learning to dance in a rueda de casino. That is one of the best memories I posess. I even heard that song in my head today, "concepcion, eleva la vista al cielo," as I was walking to class. What an excellent memory. And the boys messed up our hair, and kissed us on the cheek and then all jumped to the middle and stayed on one foot for a second, all in this dance where you trade partners every 8 beats or so. This salsa dance. Oh and I remember dancing and watching others dance, doing these intricate moves with arms twisting every which way, and being used to transport their bodies to another space, and I remember thinking, "wow, now I know why we humans have arms. This is what they're meant for."
............This is a long tangent. I didn't start this lj entry intending to talk about Ecuador, it just happened. I was going to summarize my week and what is left of the rest of my summer.
And I was going to say how I felt about Calculus and my teacher today. I already said I hate feeling stupid ALL THE TIME.
Today class was horrible. I don't think I take it very well when people who don't know me make fun of me. I don't like that I come accross to people as a ditz. That is so far from what I want to be. The teacher was explaining something that made no sense to me, and I don't know why I bothered asking questions (I never understand anything during class. Only later do I get things), but she kept encouraging us to ask questions if we didn't understand, and I didn't. And as I was trying to do something she'd made me do on the whiteboard in front of everyone, she did a high-pitched-voice impression of some past student asking her something very silly and obvious, and the class laughed at her imitation. And I could hear myself asking the very same question in my mind, and I felt very hurt. I felt sure that the questions I'd asked her during class would be repeated in a mocking way to future classrooms full of laughing students. What a bad feeling.
So I had kind of a bad day.
And then when I was hanging out with my friend she asked if I'd spoken with my ex boyfriend, and we talked lightheartedly about him for a short time, and she remarked that she'd never liked him. And I.. pretty much knew that at the time, but it made me sad to be reminded of it. Like another "You're wrong" thrown in my face.
So I had kind of a bad day. But I got a lot of reading done.
Calculus is almost over, I move into my res hall on Sunday, then I have HI Team activities and my friend's bday, and my choir audition, then school starts, and God help me.
-eM-
WELL I have one more godforsaken day of calculus to go. Tomorrow she gives us the take-home final which, as it is a take-home, shouldn't be too bad.. ah hell I'll find out tomorrow, won't I? And after I turn in the test I'll be done with my summer school Pima east adventure. It's really a lovely campus, complete with bright red-and-orange bird of paradise, bright purple-blooming bushes, and foot bridges over a small wash that filled up with mmuddy water and caused damage to buildings when it flooded.
Also I must say I've greatly appreciated the commute time as time for some good reading. Reading Lolita in Tehran was a good book, Life of Pi was a very good book, and I'm about a third of the way into my third summer book Memorias de una Geisha. Deseo terminarlo antes de que empiecen clases en la U.
Last night was pretty fun. I had pizza with some people from salpointe at Frog & Furkin(very disapointed No Anchovies is still closed), and then I got to see the house of 3 of my friends and also the house of my brother.
Today.. well part of today was good. I got to see my friend and meet her boyfriend who she met one month after I left the country and who is a major part of her life, which I really feel bad for having missed out on. Being gone and all. It's just another example of how people's lives didn't stop while I was gone. Of course they didn't. Everyone's moved on, been through a year of college and all the experiences of that first year, found boyfriends, girlfriends, jobs, internships, ...I feel I've missed out on all of it and I'm hopelessly lost now.
And I feel like a broken record, saying "In Ecuador I did this, In Ecuador it was like this, In Ecuador they say this, eat this, drink this, listen to this, dance this way."
I don't want people to get sick of me. But even I get sick of hearing myself say the same answers to the same questions. I don't know what other questions anyone should ask me. I don't know what to say or how to say it. It'd be nice to just snap my fingers and have everyone understand everything about my time in Ecuador. I wish I could stop feeling like nobody understands. It's such a self-centered way to feel.
But most of my friends won't/can't just jump right in and start speaking Spanglish with me, or "remember that time when"...we were in Carlos' appartment and were learning to dance in a rueda de casino. That is one of the best memories I posess. I even heard that song in my head today, "concepcion, eleva la vista al cielo," as I was walking to class. What an excellent memory. And the boys messed up our hair, and kissed us on the cheek and then all jumped to the middle and stayed on one foot for a second, all in this dance where you trade partners every 8 beats or so. This salsa dance. Oh and I remember dancing and watching others dance, doing these intricate moves with arms twisting every which way, and being used to transport their bodies to another space, and I remember thinking, "wow, now I know why we humans have arms. This is what they're meant for."
............This is a long tangent. I didn't start this lj entry intending to talk about Ecuador, it just happened. I was going to summarize my week and what is left of the rest of my summer.
And I was going to say how I felt about Calculus and my teacher today. I already said I hate feeling stupid ALL THE TIME.
Today class was horrible. I don't think I take it very well when people who don't know me make fun of me. I don't like that I come accross to people as a ditz. That is so far from what I want to be. The teacher was explaining something that made no sense to me, and I don't know why I bothered asking questions (I never understand anything during class. Only later do I get things), but she kept encouraging us to ask questions if we didn't understand, and I didn't. And as I was trying to do something she'd made me do on the whiteboard in front of everyone, she did a high-pitched-voice impression of some past student asking her something very silly and obvious, and the class laughed at her imitation. And I could hear myself asking the very same question in my mind, and I felt very hurt. I felt sure that the questions I'd asked her during class would be repeated in a mocking way to future classrooms full of laughing students. What a bad feeling.
So I had kind of a bad day.
And then when I was hanging out with my friend she asked if I'd spoken with my ex boyfriend, and we talked lightheartedly about him for a short time, and she remarked that she'd never liked him. And I.. pretty much knew that at the time, but it made me sad to be reminded of it. Like another "You're wrong" thrown in my face.
So I had kind of a bad day. But I got a lot of reading done.
Calculus is almost over, I move into my res hall on Sunday, then I have HI Team activities and my friend's bday, and my choir audition, then school starts, and God help me.
-eM-