alone
I don't know where to begin. I feel so alone, more alone than I've ever felt. All I want is to cuddle up in his arms and let him take all the pain away. But he's never really ever done that.
How did last night get to where it did? Can he not see in my eyes that he frightens me? How can I let him? I felt like I did the right thing... here he is threatening to kill my cat, has me pinned up in a corner and screaming at me. And I was screaming back too. But I never hit him like he said I did. I wasn't drunk (also like he says), I remember exactly how every second went. I put my arms in front of me to put some space between us and he says that I pushed him, and then proceeds to push me, and then I pushed him back. His eyes were so mean, so uncaring, unloving. And all because the cat had an accident on his work bag. I was cleaning it off, you think he'd thank me.
I don't even feel like I'm breathing. I don't really have anyone to talk to. Definately don't have anyone I can run to that could make me feel better. Kristen, Adam, Kyle are all too far away. And I'm so embarressed to tell my parents. My dad will just tell me that he was right and I wanted so much to prove him wrong. How do you think you're going to marry someone and all of a sudden it's just over.
I guess lately, if I had been looking, I could have seen it coming. Him always trying to accuse me of stuff that I haven't done. Hell, he's even threatened to kill me if he ever found me cheating on him. I'm not, but what if one night I say something wrong (like I always do) and he takes it the wrong way. He's drunk and he does really hurt me. It scares me, all the time. And yet, he can say, "I'd never hurt you, you should know that." HOW CAN I KNOW THAT? He has hurt me. He's cut off my air supply. He could have killed me that night over a year ago. Why didn't I do something then?
He says that I'm a different person than I was when I met him. And, I really don't think I've changed much. Because I got a tattoo, and I will smoke on occasion, and drink more than I ever have (well.. .gee... I just turned 21). I've always wanted a tattoo, and I have fun parting. He's had his chance, I never have. I want to meet new people and party and get drunk and smoke on occasion. That doesn't make me a different person.
He calls that "wanting to be single," but I don't see how that is. I'm not wanting to go out and date a whole bunch of people. I just want to be with him. But I do want to make friends. I have one friend out here. One. Lucky me. And besides, I have tried to include him in when I make new friends and party, but it never works. He gets shit-faced and told to never come back to the party, or makes my friends uncomfortable by touching them sexually, or flat out refusses to join me. You think he could make an effort. All I've ever wanted was for us to have some mutual friends and we can all go out together and party. I wont ever happen....
I wish I could just curl up in a ball and the next year is already gone. Hell, make that the next two years.
I feel like I always try so hard and it's never good enough. He's always getting mad at me for the house not being clean enough. But I am doing all that I can and he just doesn't see it. I don't feel like I ever have any alone time, me time. Between 35 hours weeks at work, school, homework, the dog, the cat, grocery shopping, a little bit of friend time, laundry, etc. where is the time to sparkle clean the house? I look at myself in the mirror and I see a tired, worn out, no light in my eyes, person. Where did I go? I feel like I'm just a ghost walking blind around an empty world.
How did last night get to where it did? Can he not see in my eyes that he frightens me? How can I let him? I felt like I did the right thing... here he is threatening to kill my cat, has me pinned up in a corner and screaming at me. And I was screaming back too. But I never hit him like he said I did. I wasn't drunk (also like he says), I remember exactly how every second went. I put my arms in front of me to put some space between us and he says that I pushed him, and then proceeds to push me, and then I pushed him back. His eyes were so mean, so uncaring, unloving. And all because the cat had an accident on his work bag. I was cleaning it off, you think he'd thank me.
I don't even feel like I'm breathing. I don't really have anyone to talk to. Definately don't have anyone I can run to that could make me feel better. Kristen, Adam, Kyle are all too far away. And I'm so embarressed to tell my parents. My dad will just tell me that he was right and I wanted so much to prove him wrong. How do you think you're going to marry someone and all of a sudden it's just over.
I guess lately, if I had been looking, I could have seen it coming. Him always trying to accuse me of stuff that I haven't done. Hell, he's even threatened to kill me if he ever found me cheating on him. I'm not, but what if one night I say something wrong (like I always do) and he takes it the wrong way. He's drunk and he does really hurt me. It scares me, all the time. And yet, he can say, "I'd never hurt you, you should know that." HOW CAN I KNOW THAT? He has hurt me. He's cut off my air supply. He could have killed me that night over a year ago. Why didn't I do something then?
He says that I'm a different person than I was when I met him. And, I really don't think I've changed much. Because I got a tattoo, and I will smoke on occasion, and drink more than I ever have (well.. .gee... I just turned 21). I've always wanted a tattoo, and I have fun parting. He's had his chance, I never have. I want to meet new people and party and get drunk and smoke on occasion. That doesn't make me a different person.
He calls that "wanting to be single," but I don't see how that is. I'm not wanting to go out and date a whole bunch of people. I just want to be with him. But I do want to make friends. I have one friend out here. One. Lucky me. And besides, I have tried to include him in when I make new friends and party, but it never works. He gets shit-faced and told to never come back to the party, or makes my friends uncomfortable by touching them sexually, or flat out refusses to join me. You think he could make an effort. All I've ever wanted was for us to have some mutual friends and we can all go out together and party. I wont ever happen....
I wish I could just curl up in a ball and the next year is already gone. Hell, make that the next two years.
I feel like I always try so hard and it's never good enough. He's always getting mad at me for the house not being clean enough. But I am doing all that I can and he just doesn't see it. I don't feel like I ever have any alone time, me time. Between 35 hours weeks at work, school, homework, the dog, the cat, grocery shopping, a little bit of friend time, laundry, etc. where is the time to sparkle clean the house? I look at myself in the mirror and I see a tired, worn out, no light in my eyes, person. Where did I go? I feel like I'm just a ghost walking blind around an empty world.