All My Fault
It feels kind of weird to be writing in here again. I've been relying on Dave to tell my emotions to, and, I like it that way better. I feel released in a way... free.
I keep messing up, though, as much as I've been trying. And I'm so angry at myself, because I realize the whatever happens, I brought on.
I use have this moto, "Never regret anything you do because mistakes are how you learn and grow." But my opinion has changed.
I keep regretting things. And, I don't know if that is good or bad, but it sure feels bad. I think the worse part is, too, that it makes me want to hate myself. At least in never regretting anything I didn't have to let my actions affect me as much. Now, as I'm taking full responsibility for them, it hurts alot.
... I know that I've lied. And, I've been working hard to fix that problem. My whole inspiration for changing is Dave. I didn't even ever really realize how negative of a thing it is until him. I want to change for him, and for me... but mostly for us, because all I want is to marry him and love him unconditionally for as long as I live.
But... I'm wondering, is there really such as thing as unconditional?? Because, I would never let him cheat on me over and over again. I couldn't... and then, it would stop being unconditional. And... lying to him is what cheating is to me. And, this isn't the first time I've lied to him. So... what now?? Can he love me unconditionally? He says he does, but I don't understand completely.
I'm very tired and worn down. I just wish I hadn't done that. I may lose my most favorite thing, ever. I may lose everything I want so badly. And, it would be all my fault.
I keep messing up, though, as much as I've been trying. And I'm so angry at myself, because I realize the whatever happens, I brought on.
I use have this moto, "Never regret anything you do because mistakes are how you learn and grow." But my opinion has changed.
I keep regretting things. And, I don't know if that is good or bad, but it sure feels bad. I think the worse part is, too, that it makes me want to hate myself. At least in never regretting anything I didn't have to let my actions affect me as much. Now, as I'm taking full responsibility for them, it hurts alot.
... I know that I've lied. And, I've been working hard to fix that problem. My whole inspiration for changing is Dave. I didn't even ever really realize how negative of a thing it is until him. I want to change for him, and for me... but mostly for us, because all I want is to marry him and love him unconditionally for as long as I live.
But... I'm wondering, is there really such as thing as unconditional?? Because, I would never let him cheat on me over and over again. I couldn't... and then, it would stop being unconditional. And... lying to him is what cheating is to me. And, this isn't the first time I've lied to him. So... what now?? Can he love me unconditionally? He says he does, but I don't understand completely.
I'm very tired and worn down. I just wish I hadn't done that. I may lose my most favorite thing, ever. I may lose everything I want so badly. And, it would be all my fault.