No Charity!
Past:
I never was one to truly care about my grades growing up. I had numerous conversations with my parents where they bribed me, the yelled at me, then talked with me, and tried whatever they could to make me want to get better grades.
The thing has always been though, if I like the subject, I do well, if I dislike it, I plain don't care.
So - - it didn't matter to me if I was going to be making money for an "A." My logic was, an hour every day for the next semester plus and hour of homework when I get home, or 15 bucks. When it came down to it, the 15 bucks meant nothing to me.
The best way I succeed at, anything, is to want to do it.
My parents want me to do good, but it's always felt to me more like "they want." It's just always been a personality trait I suppose, but I don't like doing something for someone else, esspecially if they ask. It just seems fake somehow.
I need to want it for myself.
Recently:
My parents decided they would pay for my school AFTER my grades came. That pissed me off. Why after?? Don't they think that hey, maybe she will succeed because it's college and she's actually doing it for herself.
So, I decided that I would let them pay me, but it could just go to my car payment. With me paying for school, it's only about me, like it should be.
Present:
My dad has like $600 in checks I wrote him for phone bills before I got my cell phone. Anyway, so, then he starts asking me all these personal questions about how much I've overdrawn my account and making me feel like I don't do things well enough, which pissed me off. So, I wouldn't tell him. Wanted to know when he was cashing the checks so I could make sure they didn't bounce. (Now, if he had deposited them when I gave them to him, life would be so much easier).
He got all mad at me!! He said he was getting disgusted looking at me. Well, I guess he was just going to void the checks and call it even for school, but I want the money to go to my car!! I don't want his charity! I don't need his help.
I realize all he wants to do is help, but if he wanted to pay for my school, fuck, do it up front and show your support. Those checks were payments that I too was making a point with. Cash them! Use them!! I don't need help!
I don't know why he got so mad at me. And I don't know why I'm so mad at him. It seems like such a simple thing, but it's not.
I was talking to Madison about moving out today. It'll cost me about $400 a month, minumum. I can do it, but I'll be constant broke.
I really feel I need to do it on my own, though. It would feel good being broke knowing, hey, I'm out here doing this all on my own!
I think it would be extremely good to go far away, like down to LA. But, it also takes a lot of courage. I want to go with Dave... but, with him nothing is certain. Forinstance, what if he got called back up here, and there I was alone in LA.
I could do it, no doubt about it, but... it's a little scary.
I never was one to truly care about my grades growing up. I had numerous conversations with my parents where they bribed me, the yelled at me, then talked with me, and tried whatever they could to make me want to get better grades.
The thing has always been though, if I like the subject, I do well, if I dislike it, I plain don't care.
So - - it didn't matter to me if I was going to be making money for an "A." My logic was, an hour every day for the next semester plus and hour of homework when I get home, or 15 bucks. When it came down to it, the 15 bucks meant nothing to me.
The best way I succeed at, anything, is to want to do it.
My parents want me to do good, but it's always felt to me more like "they want." It's just always been a personality trait I suppose, but I don't like doing something for someone else, esspecially if they ask. It just seems fake somehow.
I need to want it for myself.
Recently:
My parents decided they would pay for my school AFTER my grades came. That pissed me off. Why after?? Don't they think that hey, maybe she will succeed because it's college and she's actually doing it for herself.
So, I decided that I would let them pay me, but it could just go to my car payment. With me paying for school, it's only about me, like it should be.
Present:
My dad has like $600 in checks I wrote him for phone bills before I got my cell phone. Anyway, so, then he starts asking me all these personal questions about how much I've overdrawn my account and making me feel like I don't do things well enough, which pissed me off. So, I wouldn't tell him. Wanted to know when he was cashing the checks so I could make sure they didn't bounce. (Now, if he had deposited them when I gave them to him, life would be so much easier).
He got all mad at me!! He said he was getting disgusted looking at me. Well, I guess he was just going to void the checks and call it even for school, but I want the money to go to my car!! I don't want his charity! I don't need his help.
I realize all he wants to do is help, but if he wanted to pay for my school, fuck, do it up front and show your support. Those checks were payments that I too was making a point with. Cash them! Use them!! I don't need help!
I don't know why he got so mad at me. And I don't know why I'm so mad at him. It seems like such a simple thing, but it's not.
I was talking to Madison about moving out today. It'll cost me about $400 a month, minumum. I can do it, but I'll be constant broke.
I really feel I need to do it on my own, though. It would feel good being broke knowing, hey, I'm out here doing this all on my own!
I think it would be extremely good to go far away, like down to LA. But, it also takes a lot of courage. I want to go with Dave... but, with him nothing is certain. Forinstance, what if he got called back up here, and there I was alone in LA.
I could do it, no doubt about it, but... it's a little scary.